AN: This is the one shot that was supposed to be wonderful Jamius fluff but turned into another heartbreak for my poor Sirius. Aw. Why do the plot bunnies never do what you tell them? I mean I had a beach and a sunset and all this nice romance set out and then this...THIS came out instead. While it's no trashy romance novel I still managed to like it somehow. Hope you do too!
Disclaimer: Er..Gay marriage is legal in the state of Texas . It's not? See, lies coming out of my mouth all the time. Therefore, I wouldn't put too much stock in my claim of Sirius Black ownership.
oooOooo
I remember our first kiss. I remember it, and for that we should both praise the gods because everyone knows that I can't remember to wear pants half the time, much less a simple kiss.
But it wasn't. Simple, I mean. To label something as awkward as that simple would be blasphemy in the highest form of the word. Don't you remember? No? I guess you wouldn't then, would you.
I'd been making a go at you all night you know. I kept trying and trying to find the perfect moment and it just never came. Finally giving up, feeling near invincible because you had your hand in mine, I leaned over to do it. I, Sirius Black, leaned over to kiss James Potter.
As you know I wussed out and merely skimmed your cheek. It still sent shock waves down my spine.
When I brought it up a few minutes later you acted as if you hadn't even noticed. That was your first foray into breaking my heart, Prongs. Since then you've become a master at it, the art of dismantling me.
oooOooo
You made me feel so much James: anger, jealousy, love. You know, I'm not sure if I had ever really loved anyone before you. My parents couldn't love me, therefore I couldn't completely love them. Remus was magnificent, but in his own silent, Remmy-ish way. I couldn't love him because he wasn't me. Then there was Peter. Little blond ringlet-ed Pete who worshipped the ground we all walked on. I don't think there's a person I love less in this school. Well, maybe Snape.
The point is that I had to love you.. At first you were my brother, my only equal. Then you morphed into a separate being when you met Lily Evans. That was the first time I ever become possessive of anything you know. I had always thought that you belonged to me only and then you went off and sold yourself to that she-devil.
I hated you and it scared me.
oooOooo
Hate became a pretty commonplace emotion. You did so much to make me hate you over the years. Some of your crimes were petty (I never have found my green and purple toe socks) and others were more severe. Lily would forever remain a problem for us. You and your damn stubbornness. You thought you could have the world, didn't you Prongs? You thought you could have us both.
oooOooo
Remus worried about me. Peter laughed at me. You ignored me, and I nearly died that month. My wrists were permanently bloody, permanently bruised. I could feel the fever in them. I didn't go down to the Great Hall for a week and McGonagall came stomping up to the dorm room in one of her furies. She took one look at me, wane and half dead, and ordered my immediate removal to the Hospital Wing. As if medicine could do anything for me. I didn't say a word the three days Madam Pomfrey tried in vain to cure me.
Remus visited, along with Pete. They flickered in and out as I silently picked at my scabs. I was already aching for more blood. It had been three days and my body was healing. It just wouldn't do.
Remus had the sense not to bring up your name. Pete, being Pete, casually let it drop that you and Lily were finally back from the trip you'd stolen her away on. How convenient, you wouldn't miss any classes. Winter break was just about to end. Good timing Jamie.
When Madam Pomfrey finally decided that I was hopeless she let me leave with a long hug and an even longer talk. It was sweet really, that she thought I could be swayed from self destruction by her. At least she cared enough to look at me. I shuffled back to the dormitory absentmindedly fingering my raised skin. I know Remus would have come to walk with me, but I hadn't told him for a reason. I couldn't deal with anymore people. They kept giving me, their fallen hero, such strange looks. Sirius Black is an actual person? Gods' Blood, how did we miss that?
The main reason I kept mum about my release was the fact that Peter couldn't stay quiet about anything. He would unthinkingly let it be known to Prongs that I was coming back to the room. I know you James, you'd have roomed with Snape if you had to.
The second I got into the room I made my way to my four poster and lay down, not even bothering to close the hangings. I saw Peter open his mouth to say something and I saw Remus cuff him over the head to keep him silent. Why didn't I have the good sense to fall in love with Remus?
Curled into the strangest position I finally managed to get some sleep. I hadn't truly slept since you'd left with Lily, and it surprised me that I could do it now. Then again you were home. I must have subconsciously realized that.
oooOooo
When I first saw you I grinned. My face had forgotten what you'd gone off and done. Then I promptly turned to Moony, said goodbye, and walked away. I could feel your eyes on my back and I smiled a harsh smile, thanking the gods for whatever power I still had over you. She could hold you for a time, but she would never know what it felt like to posses you.
You would never love her as you loved me. Strangely this knowledge did nothing to comfort me. In fact, it made it worse knowing that you should have been mine. You should have but because you were bloody James Potter you just couldn't make anyone happy could you?
Because guess what: you were ruining her chances, your chances, my chances. None of us would ever be happy would we? Thanks James.
oooOooo
I watched. I, Sirius Black, man in constant motion, stood back and let the world fall apart. The air was thick and sometimes it felt like I could lose myself somewhere if I would only try. You have no idea how frightened this feeling made me. This was when I took out my pocket knife, just to make sure I was still me. But really, now that I think about it, I was never me was I? The Sirius that you loved, the Sirius that Remus worried about, the Sirius that Pete revered...he would never have watched in fascination as his own blood swelled and poured.
He would have fought. He would have had you back within the week. Where is he when I need him?
oooOooo
I forget sometimes, just a momentary lapse, and I let myself look at you. I notice the blank edges around your eyes and I feel almost guilty. I really shouldn't be avoiding you like this. It isn't good for either of us and nothing can be resolved by it.
Did you really think everything would be the same? That I would just wait around forever, that I would wait for you to tell her...that I would still be there when you didn't tell her. No one knew James. They thought I was the jealous best friend and that you were the golden boy who finally got the girl.. What they didn't know was that you had the man the whole time.
You thought you'd always have him didn't you?
oooOooo
My heart still pounds when you walk into a room.
My wrists still bleed.
I guess things don't ever really change, do they James?