Captain Bernadette was coming very close to collapsing at this point. Due to the fact that he was sick, he constantly felt cold and stiff. So, he bundled up in thick clothing to keep heat from escaping his body. But, in reality, the normal temperature outside was well over 70 degrees Fahrenheit… And Mr. Bernadette had a high fever.
In conclusion, Pip's brain told him he was cold by giving him the shivers, and his body told him he was hot by sweating. Not to mention that that annoying, persistent itch kept prickling through his nose, forcing him to rub it often.

His fleet had noticed that their Captain was sick, but no one would dare mention it, fearing for their jobs. They knew better, all except for the new recruit.

"Hey! Captain! You're looking a little pale. Are you okay?" Charlie asked.
Pip spun around so quickly he came close to losing his balance.

"I-.. I do not know what you are talking about!" Pip yelled, his voice scratchy.

"Sure you do, Captain. I mean, c'mon.. You're tired, pale, sweaty- OW!"

Charlie rubbed his ribcage where an older soldier had elbowed him.

Captain Bernadette wiped sweat from his forehead. This was torture, pure torture. He was hot, he was cold, his stomach hurt, his head throbbed, his chest was heavy, he was tired, yet he couldn't sleep and he couldn't get rid of this infernal tickle! The Captain scrubbed at his nose again, wincing at how dry it felt. He sniffed, realizing he needed to blow his nose again. Reaching into one pocket, then the other, he came up empty handed. He cursed in French at his bad luck. He really didn't want to go inside to find another. And at this point, he didn't care if the Wild Geese watched him blow out his snot or not.

"Hey," Pip said. "Does anyone have a tissue?"

Pip watched as every one of his soldiers dug into their pockets… And found nothing. Pip cursed again and looked as though he was about to say something, when he felt that insistent tickle come to it's destination.

As it verged on him, an involuntary shudder ran through his body, then he-

- - -

Sears watched curiously from a barrack window as Pip sneezed again. The young vampire smiled as he struggled to regain his rugged composure. She couldn't help but find it charming the way he sneezed.

Seras sighed, wishing she could be out there to help him. She was worried he would get over-heated… Of course, when she had asked to help, he had reminded her of their agreement and told her to do something else. So, she had. Spying on him was something else, right? As she kept an eye on him, she noticed that Pip was walking toward the barracks.

What for? Seras thought.

Then, on closer inspection, she noticed that he had covered his nose with his hand.

He must need a tissue…

- - -

Pip walked in to find Seras offering him a box of tissues right on the other side of the door. He jumped and gave a small yelp of astonishment.

"Zeras! Don't zneak up on me like zat!"
"Tissues?" Seras offered, holding out the box.

Pip rolled his eyes and took the entire box gruffly. He was too miserable to care if Seras saw him blow his nose. As he took two tissues out of the box, he noticed Seras just standing there, staring. Well, now he was starting to care. He couldn't blow his nose with her hovering there and watching his every move. It was making him uncomfortable.

"Don't you have zomezing to do?" he asked, putting the tissues to his nose.
"No," Seras replied.

"Well, can't you go find zomezing?"
"…. Why? Am I bothering you?"
"A little, yez."

"And how is that, exactly?"
Seras was getting a little annoyed. She wasn't doing anything! Why did he want her to go? Was he embarrassed?… AGAIN?..

Pip sighed and gave up on making Seras leave. But, he thought he should at least warn her first.

"I really don't zink you want to hear me blow my noze."

Seras shrugged. "I don't mind."
"All right, then.."
Pip took a deep breath and blew as hard as he could. Seras winced at the wet sound.

"Told you," he grumbled, his voice muffled.

He wiped his nose and repeated the procedure several times. The young fledgling frowned at how he flinched when he blew. It seemed painful.

"Does that hurt you?" she asked worriedly.
Pip sniffed loudly as he threw the dirty tissues away. Then, beginning to yank more from the box and shove them into his pockets, he answered her.

"My noze is juzt zore from all zee blowing and ztuff. It happenz when you are zick."

"Oh," Seras replied. She didn't like the idea of Pip hurting himself by blowing his nose.

Pip saw the troubled look on her face.

"Well, it doesn't hurt ZAT bad. It iz juzt a little dry," he reassured her, sniffling and rubbing his overly-sensitive nose. It was beginning to act up again. Something was bothering it, and whatever the irritation was, his nose wanted it out. But Pip really didn't want to sneeze. He knew it was going to hurt because of how tender his nose was. Nevertheless, it was coming.

Seras observed how weak Pip's features became when he had to sneeze. Watching him slowly bring his hands to his face, she waited for the expected…

But it never came.

Pip stopped his hands about three inches from his face and froze.. Just froze.

"Ztuck," Pip growled under his breath. He huffed a sharp breath through his nose and flinched as the ticklish sensation flitted through his sinuses and came to rest at the bridge of his nose and itched. He twitched and wrinkled his nose, trying to coax it out. Pip found things like this bothersome. Seras, however, found it adorable.

"Aww! That was so CUTE!" she squealed.

"Huh?.." Pip really wasn't paying attention. Despite the fact that the sneeze of course wasn't moving, it felt like it was growing. At this rate, it was going to be huge..

"The way you twitched your nose! I-It was cute."
Pip managed a shaky smile and nodded.

She thought that was cute? he wondered.

Seras cocked her head and beamed as Pip took another wavering breath, then cursed in French.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

Pip shook his head and sniffed. "Ztuck," was all he could get out.

"What do you mean?"
"A zneeze…. iz ztuck…. in my noze," he explained between sniffles.

Seras seemed very interested in the concept of a stuck sneeze. She had hardly ever gotten sick as a child, and when she did, her colds were usually full of sore throats and coughs, not sneezes. She could vaguely remember having to sneeze once, but couldn't. She wondered if that was what he was talking about.

"You mean you can't sneeze?"
"Well, it iz rather difficult…… right now.. yez," Pip mumbled, twitching his nose again.

As Seras stared at him, a wonderful idea popped into her strawberry-blonde head. She started towards him.

"Maybe I can help."

- - -

Pip felt his pulse involuntarily quicken. What did she think she was doing? Why was she looking at him like that?

"H-How do you plan to do zaaa….aahhh.."
Pip paused and sniffed a few times… Nope, still stuck.

"How do I plan to do that?" she asked. "Oh. I don't know. I've got something in mind."

Pip started backing up as she continued towards him. He stopped when he hit the wall.

Seras giggled. He looked like a fuzzy animal cornered by its predator… But why? You'd think he wouldn't mind a little flirting. Was he embarrassed? No, not embarrassed. More along the lines of scared…. Now, THAT was weird. He always wanted her attention. Now he was finally getting it.

Pip was trying not to look frightened of her. But, he had gone from "perverted Frenchman" to "cute" so fast, he was at a loss of what to do.. He was supposed to be enjoying this! It was what he had always wanted, right?.. Maybe not… Now that he was finally confronted with this wonderful situation, he was beginning to wonder if it was really what he wanted.

He pressed himself against the wall as Seras came to a stop roughly a foot from him.

"Why so scared, Captain? Isn't this what you always wanted?"

Pip averted his dull, tired gaze to the floor. The sneeze was still building… It was starting to feel more like a mild explosion than a bodily function.

Seras took a step toward him, her deep, red eyes flashing.

"I only wish to help."

Seras was thoroughly getting pleasure from this spectacle. Pip displaying this sort of weakness was rare. Apparently, he wasn't as smooth with the ladies as everyone was lead to believe. Still, Seras did feel a slight attraction regarding him. His new fluffy, short hair, fused together with his recent demonstration of shyness near her really brought out his youthful appearance and true character. She liked it.

Taking a few more steps toward him, she found herself within ten centimeters of his body. Due to her enhanced senses, she could feel the fever radiating off his skin.

- - -

Pip shivered. There were many reasons being this close to her bothered him.

1) She was in direct sneezing range. If he suddenly was overwhelmed by the tickle, she was doomed.

2) Alucard might not be very happy to see him so close to her.

3) (MOST IMPORTANTLY) It was making him really uncomfortable. Why? He wish he knew..

Seras smiled as Pip twitched his nose again. Then, she took one more step.. She was now five centimeters from Pip's face.
"S…Seras.. What are you-.."
Seras's smile widened as she put a finger over his lips.. After that, without hesitation, she began to lean forward… And, she rubbed noses with him.

Pip immediately felt the maddening itch grow substantially larger and catapult backward to the most sensitive portion of his nose.

Seras managed to catch the wave of surprise that passed over Pip's face before his nose began to spasm into tiny twitches… She thought it was the cutest thing she ever seen..

Then, the Captain relinquished a vicious, but satisfying, "HEHACTCHTISSHH!"

Luckily, he had made sure he had turned the other way, as to not spray her.

Seras giggled again and was about to approach him when he broke out into a violent fit.

"HEHTISSHH!! HEHEETISH!! HA..HAHTTISSHHHH!!!"

.. It went on for several minutes. And Seras saw how exhausted and fatigued he became with each one. What had she done?
When Pip finally finished, his eyes were bleary and red as well as his hands being over his mouth and nose.

"Bless," Seras mumbled, a bit shocked.
Pip nodded, and quickly headed towards the barrack showers.

He must need a tissue again.. Seras thought.

She listened to him blow for a second or two, then turned when she heard the thunder of feet coming from outside. The troops were coming in.

"Hello, Police Girl."

Seras jumped as Alucard phased through the ceiling.

"Master!.. You startled me. Wh-What are you doing here?"

"I came to find Frenchy. Master wants him in her office," he replied, surveying the area. He could vaguely hear someone sneezing in the Men's room over the stampede outside. "Is he in the bathroom?"
"Yes," she said just as fifteen dozen soldiers busted through the doors.

Alucard nodded, and vanished.

- - -

"Frenchy.. Frenchman.. Frenchman?"

When Alucard had materialized inside the bathroom, he was unprepared to find Pip on the floor against the wall, hugging his knees, with his head down.

"Frenchman?…."

Alucard discreetly speculated that he was dead before he noticed that the Captain was breathing. He was asleep. Just sleeping.. On the floor of a filthy bathroom..

The fool must really be tired… Alucard thought.

He kicked him lightly.

"Wake up, Frenchman," he commanded.

Then, he kicked a bit harder.

"C'mon already, fool. Up."

Alucard glared down at him and sighed. Even though Alucard was insane and cruel, he wasn't heartless.. So, he sort of regretted doing this, but-

"FRENCHMAN!!!!!"

Pip's head snapped up so fast that it hit the wall. He groaned with pain.

"Get up. Master wants you upstairs in her office."

Pip was too beat and worn-out to talk, let alone argue. So, struggling to get up, he made his way slowly to the door.

Alucard didn't bother helping him. He may have a heart, but it was a very small one.. Besides, he was Dracula, not some demented Boy Scout. He couldn't bother helping old ladies across the street.. Or Pip across the bathroom.

"Captain Bernadette. You are a very good soldier, and a.. fairly.. honorable man. Therefore, I want you to always to look and feel your best during battles, training, and the day in general."

Integra was giving him a lecture, and rather shocked that he was actually listening to her.. Or at least being good and pretending to anyway.

"You are ill, fatigued, and in NO state to fight nor conduct training. I admit, it probably wasn't my best idea to send you and the other troops out in the rain at 2:00 am.. But it was YOUR responsibility to wear the proper apparel, not mine."

Pip nodded and twitched his nose, subsequently rubbing it.

A corner of Integra's mouth went upward slightly. She had to admit, it was somewhat cute.

"Furthermore, trying to continue training was a RIDICULES thought! You only succeeded in making yourself sicker! So, I am sentencing you to a whole week in bed. You will not come out in uniform at any time during that period. The most action YOU will get in a day is a seven-step stroll to the restroom. Is that understood?"

Pip massaged his forehead and nodded again.

"Good… Now, off to bed with you."

Walter hummed the tune to an old song as he cooked. This was always the most relaxing portion of the day.. The time of day when he could-

He jumped as the door 'KA-BLANGED' against the wall.

"I just want to know where he went, Master!"

"Since when do I have to answer to you, Police Girl?"

".. Since I REALLY wanted you to!"

"Why do you suddenly care so much about the stupid French pervert anyway?"

"……"

"There we go. That wasn't so hard, now wa-"

"THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!"
Walter cringed at her shrill screech.

"May I inquire what all the fuss is about?"
"Police Girl has a crush on the Frenchman."

"NO I DON'T! I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHERE HE WENT!!"

"QUIT YOUR INFURIATING SHRIEK AND I'LL TELL YOU!!!"

Walter sighed and began to tend to his cooking again. There was no happy-medium with those two..

"Good. Integra wanted to speak with him about something. Don't ask me what, because I don't know," Alucard told her.

Seras looked downward. "Oh."

Alucard tried to read her mind to know what she was thinking, but he couldn't seem to get through.. It was almost like he was getting static. Some new and complex emotion was clouding her mind.

"Was he all right?"

"What?"

"Was he all right when you found him on the bathroom floor?"

Alucard shrugged.

"Sleeping when I found him.. So, he's not hurt physically. Mentally, I'm a little worried," he grinned.
"Why is that?" she asked.

"He was on the FLOOR of a public, BARRACK bathroom. Goodness knows what's on the ground in there.."

Seras sighed exasperatedly.. But, he did have a point.

Pip felt the warm water wash over him. It felt good. Real good. It was loosening his congestion and relieving any aches and pains he felt. This was exactly what he needed..

He leaned against the edge of the wall of the shower and closed his eyes as the hot water ran across his chest. He was tempted to fall asleep right then and there, and probably would have if-
"Pip!"
Pip jumped and almost slipped. Seras could be SO loud sometimes..

"What?"

"Is that you?"
"Yez, Zeras.. It'z me. What do you need?"
"I was checking on you. Do you need anything?"

"No, Zeras. I juzt want to have a shower. Okay?"

"Oh.. Okay.. Yell if you need something!
Pip heard the sound of soft footsteps dying off in the distance. It wasn't that he didn't like Seras's company, it was just that he was not dressed, tired, in the shower and her voice was a little loud…..

Pip could have stayed in the shower forever, but he was sleepy and he wanted his bed more. So, he turned off the water, wrapped a towel around his waist and opened the door.

- - -

Seras came face to face with Pip's bare chest.. Which was slightly awkward.

Pip jumped and let out a soft yelp.

"Zeras! Wha-?.. What are you-"

"OH! Pip! I'm SORRY!" Seras screamed. She was creeped-out that she found him somewhat more attractive without a shirt on.

Pip edged his way around her.

"Zat iz all right… Uh, why were you standing right outside ze door anyway?"

Seras laughed nervously and rubbed the back of her neck. "Oh.. No reason. I-.. Master wanted me to refill the toilet paper roll again! Hehehe…"

Pip raised an eyebrow at her, and smiled crookedly.

"Well, I'm going to bed. I'll zee you later."

"Bye, Captain," Seras said as he walked away. And she smiled when he turned back and grinned.

Alucard watched uninterestingly as Seras threw various condiments into a big boiling pot. She had convinced Walter that Integra had wanted him to swab down the dungeons, so she could get to the stove.

"Police Girl. What are you doing?" the vampire asked.

"Cooking soup," she replied proudly.

Alucard scowled and held back a growl. "May I ask who for?"

"Pip."

That made him stand up and strode over to her.

"Just what exactly what are you putting in there?"

"Yummy things!"

Alucard looked visibly disappointed at her comment. But then, his pout turned into an evil grin. He began to rummage through his coat.

Seras looked back at him. "What are you doing?"

"Looking for something.. Just keep tending to your lovely.. whatever you are making.."

Seras glared at him suspiciously, but did what she was told. What did she care about what he was doing? And that's what she thought, until he started trying to pour something out of a vial into the pot. She pushed him away before anything dropped in.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"Attempting to poison Bernadette. Why?"

"MASTER!! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!"

"Aw.. Why not? I'm not HURTING anyone."

"You'd KILL someone!"
Alucard sneered and dropped the vial back into his coat pocket.

"Fine then. It will be a treat for when I'm bored."

Seras glared at him again. "I'm not letting you poison him."

"Police Girl!" Alucard groaned, getting irritated. "This isn't even POISON!! I'd be worse than dead if I killed Bernadette!"

"Oh.. Then what is it?"

"This," he said, dangling the vial in front of her face. "is a liquefied sleeping drug."

"Why, may I ask, are you carrying one of THOSE around?"

"I have my reasons.."

"Master, you are very creepy."

"Yes, I know Police Girl."

"…. You understand, Master, that I-.." Seras was abruptly cut off mid-sentence by the noisy, consistent beep of the smoke alarm.. Her food was burning.

She quickly rushed over and turned off the stove. Then, without any oven-mitts, lifted the soup over to the counter.

"Ouch!.. Hot!" she squeaked as she sat the pot down.

Alucard towered over her to inspect it. "You burnt SOUP, Police Girl.. Who burns SOUP?… Is it even possible for a sane person to actually BURN soup?"

"Leave me alone, Master! You were the one who was distracting me!"

"Me? I did nothing."
"Did too!"
"Did not."

"Did too!"

"Did not."

"Did too!"

"Did not."

"Oh! You are SO stubborn!"

At this point in the conversation, Alucard let loose a baritone chuckle that echoed in the depths of the kitchen.

"Me? Stubborn?.. Please, Police Girl! YOU are the one who is stubborn!"

Walter came back in and let out a loud, exasperated sigh. He had had enough.

"Please! Might you continue your lovely banter somewhere else?"

Alucard and Seras both stopped arguing and looked up, mutually about to say something when a harsh sneeze was heard from the entrance. They all looked up to find Pip groggily stumbling toward the fridge. He was wearing only boxers, but was shivering and had a large, thick blanket draped over his soldiers.

Alucard laughed, eager for some entertainment. "Well, well, well… Look who the cat drug in!"

Pip's body tensed, but he didn't answer. He moved from the fridge to the cabinets.

"Pip! There you are! I was wondering when you'd be dressed and ready for dinner," Seras said sweetly.

"Do you need help finding something, Captain?" Walter asked.

Pip shook his head quickly, then wincing after. It felt like a fire alarm was whanging in his head, growing louder with sudden movements. He wished he was asleep so he wouldn't have to deal with this kind of garbage.

Seras skipped over to him, laying a hand on his forehead. But, he pulled away from her. The last thing he needed right now was more pity.

"Pip! You're temperature's really high.. You need to go lie down."

Pip shook his head again, pulling out a bottle of Tylenol PM. He was SO not in the mood for this. He didn't want pity, he didn't want attention, all he wanted sleep.. And maybe a REALLY strong drink.

"Hey, Frenchy! I'm TALKING to you!" Alucard mocked.

Pip slammed the medication down on the counter and spun around.

"WHAD! WHAD DO YOU WAND!?" he screamed hoarsely, voice full of congestion.

Alucard stared for a moment, then busted out into side-splitting laughter. Hearing Pip's distorted voice was all he had wanted.

Pip fumed for a moment, then snatched up his Tylenol and shivered as a hot flash spread throughout his body. Beginning to feel sticky, he let the blanket fall on the floor. Seras let out a soft gasp at Pip's glistening biceps as Integra suddenly walked in.

"PIP!!!"

Pip jumped and cringed at the voice. His head throbbed against his skull.

"Whad?" he asked.

Integra stood, angry at Pip for disobeying her orders. She glared at his face. His sweet, innocent face. Framed perfectly with his new, short hair and the sun in the window behind him. Then, her eyes drifted unintentionally onto his chest. She had to admit, he had a lot more muscle than his uniform allowed others to see. It had been so long since she had actually see a man without a shirt on.. Her eyes began to drift down a bit further, when-

"Whad!? Do you wand sombezing?"

Integra snapped out of it, embarrassed at what she was thinking.

"Um, yes. You should be in bed. Not out half-naked in the kitchen."

"I can'd zleeb."

Integra raised a brow. "Beg pardon?"

"Zleeb. Can'd zleeb!"

"Can't, what?"

"ZLEEB!!"

Seras suddenly understood as her eyes averted to the Tylenol PM. "Oh! SLEEP! He can't SLEEP!"

Pip nodded irritably as he snatched a can of soda from the open fridge, preparing to pop the top, when-

"Oh no, no, no," said Integra's voice. "Orange juice, not soda."

"Bud I don'd WAND ora-"

"Too bad. Orange juice, then bed."

"Bud-"

"NO buts! BED." Integra took the soda from his hand and gave it to Alucard absentmindedly, who scrutinized the can maliciously. Then, Integra got out a pitcher of orange juice and lead Pip over to the counter. She talked as she poured the juice into a glass.

"Must I treat you like a three-year-old, Captain? You are certainly old enough to care for yourself, right? You are a MERCENARY for goodness sakes, and here you are, falling to pieces from a case of the sniffles."

Pip snatched up his blanket and wrapped it around himself again. His hot flash was ebbing and the chilling feeling was sinking back in. Integra handed him the orange juice and grabbed his forearm.

"C'mon, I'll take you back to bed."

"Wait," Seras suddenly blurted out. "You have a lot of work to do. Let ME take him."

"That's quite all right, Seras, I can take a few moments out of my time to-"

"No! It's fine! I would be HAPPY to ta-"

"Really, Seras. I already said I wou-"

"I'LL take him!"

"NO! I WILL!"

"I WILL!"

"NO! I-"

Walter stepped between the two women. "I'm sure Captain Bernadette can find his OWN way to his room. Right, Captain?"

Pip nodded quickly and slipped out of Integra's grip. "Of courze.. Doe problem."

Seras and Integra both looked thoroughly disappointed as Walter looked relieved. Alucard, on the other hand, stared at Pip very suspiciously as he stumbled out of the kitchen and headed down the hall. Something Bernadette was doing was making Police Girl as well as his Master rather interested in him… But what?…

He was pulled out of his thoughts when Seras's voice pierced the air.

"I guess I'll take Pip his soup now."

"No," said Integra. "I'll take it."

"It's MY soup!"

Walter peered over at Seras's "soup" as the two continued to argue. It didn't look very appetizing. "Why don't both of you get back to your duties while I make some, uh, traditional chicken soup."

"What's the matter with mine?" Seras asked.

"Nothing. I just think the traditional would be better for him, is all."

"Oh," was all Seras said. Alucard looked very suspicious now. Seras and Integra (of all people) were fighting over who would be first to serve Bernadette… How odd. What was he doing that was so attractive? Alucard thought back to when the attention Bernadette was receiving first started…….

The No Life King's eyes suddenly lit up with realization as the explanation hit him in the face. Pip got sick. How obvious! Pip went out in the rain without a coat, engaged in battle, and caught a nasty cold. But WHY on earth would that attract positive attention?..

… Females were so confusing.