Akatsuki: The Family Project
We may need to come up with another title
That's short
Simple
And to the point.
…
Yo momma
Chapter 2 (finally): Babysitting… Sort of.
AS MY FIRST ACT AS A BRAVE LEADER, I DECLARE WAR ON EVERYTHING!!
Everything?
EVERYTHING!
Everything?
-shooting noises-
EVERYTHING!! God, am I speaking French here!?
"That was the new declaration made by our new supreme Leader: Shniz, only two weeks after he was shot by an unknown individual. In other news, Itachi Uchiha's character in Naruto has officially been 'pwned' in the manga. Or at least, that's what it appears to be. Those of you who have read this far without thinking, you have now been spoiled the fuck out of. I'm News Tobi Unit Number 46, currently the longest lasting News Tobi Unit in existence. And this is Akatsuki News." NTU46 got shot right before the camera turned off.
Itachi turned off the computer. "My career is officially down the toilet…" he rubbed his temples and sighed stressfully. "Hey guys, we've just been declared enemies of everything." He called throughout the base. "Everything?" Hidan asked. "Everything." Itachi confirmed. "EVERYTHING!?" Kisame shouted as he was flung through the air from a chandelier and into a nearby support beam (which crashed down, bringing the entire west wing with it. -.-).
"Oh… Man…" Kisame stood up slowly, clutching his sore head. "What happened to you?" Itachi asked. "Claire wanted to play and…" Itachi held up a hand. "Stop right there. Claire was all I needed to hear."
"So, where is Claire?" Hidan asked. "Oh, she was just in the west wing-" massive crashing noises was heard in the direction of the west wing. When everybody looked, the entire west wing was destroyed, leaving nothing but dead interns and Tobi clones. "My god…" Kakuzu said dramatically. "Even Hidan can't do that much damage in less than an hour…"
Tobi slowly walked over to a dead Tobi clone's body. "So many wasted lives…" he sobbed.
Claire hopped over big pieces of debris and towards the horrified Akatsukis. "Whose turn is it next?" she asked, walking over to a still intact machine called 'The Wheel of (the word 'torture' is crossed out) Fun and Happy Ponies'. Everyone stared in horror as the wheel turned and turned. Kisame and Tobi began whimpering because their name slots were the largest. The smallest slots included 'Claire Plays Alone' and 'Spin Again'. Surprisingly, it landed on 'Spin Again', only raising the tension in the room.
Eventually, it landed on Itachi. He kicked it in a vain attempt to switch to someone else. But it only slightly twitched. "Damn." Immediately, Claire clamped onto Itachi's face, making him fall backwards… down the stairs… into the basement… uh-oh…
Once they made sure he was gone (which should've been made clear when Claire clamped onto his face), Kisame took out a beer bottle and opened it, raising it in the air. "Victory is ours!" he exclaimed happily.
One second after all the bottles of beer were opened, Claire burst through the basement door, holding a teddy bear. "Who's next?" she asked happily. Nothing could have compared to the horrified faces of the Akatsukis after that. Kisame and Tobi burst out crying, chugging the beer down their throats.
"I'll spin this time!" Claire cheered, spinning the wheel so hard it fell off its hinges and began chasing the Akatsukis to who-knows-where.
-:-
"GOD DAMMIT! WE'RE IN THE SLOWEST LANE! HEY! HEY YOU!" Pein honked the horn of his car many times to get the person's attention. "YOU! THE BITCH IN THE FRONT! GET OFF YOUR CELL PHONE, YOU'RE DRIVING!!" he shouted maniacally. "Pein, we're all in traffic. No one's driving." Konan said calmly. "AARRGH!!-bangs head on the wheel so hard that it makes a dent- What's causing this anyway!?" he asked angrily. Konan took out a pair of binoculars and looked ahead. "Looks like there's been a landslide. It's gonna be a while." She said. "GAAAAAAAHHH!! –continues to bang head on wheel until it breaks-
"Pein… People are watching." Konan whispered to him. "GOOD! They can learn!" he did the finger and pointed everywhere around him, spotting a small kid in one of the other cars. "YOU!" He made a loud roar as he flipped the kid off, making him cry.
"Hey, you can't talk to my son that way!" The father said. "Oh yeah? You wanna start something!? Let's take this outside!" Pein challenged, cracking his knuckles. "Okay!" As the father walked outside, he revealed that he was in a wheelchair. "Oh…" Pein was speechless.
"Wha's the matter!? Chicken!?" the father taunted. "…I am very sorry sir." Pein apologized, rolling up the window of the car and turning away.
"You see what you do?" Konan scolded, leaning on her arm. "I bet the others are having a great time…" Pein muttered, ignoring the curses from the parent outside.
-:-
"WE'RE NOT HAVING A GOOD TIME!!" Kisame yelled, running down the halls of the Akatsuki base, running over numerous interns in the process. Claire was riding the Akatsuki 'Wheel of Fun and Happy Ponies (with Torture slashed out in red paint)' and chasing Kisame and the other Akatsukis around the base.
"Split up!" Sasori called. Everyone ran into each other. "Split up again!" Everyone ran into each other again. "What's wrong with us today!?" he yelled.
"She's coming!" Hidan shouted. Claire laughed as she knocked everyone away like bowling pins. Hidan crashed through the window and fell from the 47th floor. "HELP MEEEEEEE!!" and he was gone. "OH GOD, HIDAN! SHE GOT HIDAN!!" Kakuzu yelled. "He owed me five bucks." He muttered. "KAKUZU! BEHIND YOU!!" Deidara shouted. Kakuzu got crushed by the spinning wheel (of fun and happy ponies with torture slashed out in red paint) making a small 'blech' sound as he was squished into the ground.
"Three down, Five to go!" Claire cheered. Immediately black tentacle shadows began to appear behind her. "She's a demon!" Kisame yelled.
-:-
Pein sighed in his seat. "I'm really jealous of those guys right now. Them being alone with a cute innocent child with no evil intentions whatsoever… must be heaven." He said.
-:-
"THIS IS HELL!!" Deidara shouted, ducking for cover behind a piece of broken ceiling. Kisame was taken out the second we switched to the scene with Pein. Up there. That small paragraph with Pein's name in it. Yeah. Anyway…
"Where did those tentacles come from!?" Deidara asked. "From the deepest depths of her black heart…" Sasori hissed dramatically. They watched in horror as Zetsu was taken from his hiding place by another piece of debris. He was ripped in half longways by the tentacles. "Wow. This is the most agonizing thing I've ever had to endure. Ever. It's so painful that I can't express how it feels with my face." Zetsu said as his two halves fell to the floor.
Suddenly, a door slammed open and a pile of blue hair walked over to a surprisingly-still-intact refrigerator and took out a beer. It walked back to where it came from, waving at Deidara and Sasori as the door closed. "Wh…Who is that guy?" Deidara asked.
He saw Sasori being picked up by one of the tentacles. "WAAAAAAAAAHHH!!" he screamed. The tentacle threw him around, spun him around and played jump rope with the wires in his stomach for Claire. When the job was done she tossed him into another room filled with giant spiders.
"Hi sempai!" Tobi said. "WHAT THE- Where have you been!?" Deidara asked. "Underneath the floorboards. It's very dusty." He coughed. "I guess it's just you and me!" Tobi said happily as Deidara curled into a ball.
-:- With Pein -:-
"Ugh…" Pein saw a car moving forward in the corner of his eye. "Hey…" It wasn't a fast pace, but traffic was moving. "TRAFFIC'S MOVING! We're moving! Konan, look we're-!" The engine suddenly burst as Pein started the car. Konan rolled up the window as Pein began screaming his head off in anger. She slowly moved the camera to look at something else as Pein exploded. Literally.
"Grrh…" As Pein pulled himself together, he asked Konan, "What do we do now?" Konan shrugged. "We can always walk." She said, opening the door to the car. "Are you shittin' me!? Konoha is 27 miles away!" Pein yelled, watching Konan begin to walk away. "You got any better ideas?" Konan asked, waiting for him in front of the car. Lazily and reluctantly, Pein stepped out of the car only to be run over by another one.
"GRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!" he yelled in anger. He started chasing after the car. Using some awesome-ninja-action, he jumped on the roof of the car and started pestering the driver through the open window. "I KILL YOU!! I KILL YOU!!" he shouted, clawing at the driver. The car swerved off the cliff and into a canyon, exploding as it hit the ground.
Konan raised an eyebrow at the sight. Shrugging, she continued walking, expecting Pein to catch up. Eventually, he did, panting heavily as he tried to keep his burned and ripped cloak over his shoulders. "What's up?" Konan asked casually, not even glancing at him as she walked. "WHY DIDN'T YOU WAIT FOR ME!?" Pein asked, annoyed.
-:- With The Akatsuki (Well, what's left of them…) -:-
"Okay, Tobi. Here's what we do. You flank left while I distract her. Knock her out and stuff her in a bowling ball bag and stuff her in the heavy-duty closet." Deidara instructed. He walked across the stage that Claire surprisingly didn't notice. His audience was a large amount of Tobi clones and Interns. "I understand that many of you may not make it back. Actually… all of you might not make it back. But I know that all of you are willing to sacrifice yourselves to-"
"Sacrifice!? That wasn't part of the deal! We don't' wanna die!" A Tobi clone shouted out. "Look, the leader's gone now and I'm the closest thing you've got! Now who's with me!?" Deidara asked dynamically. A dynamic tomato smashed into his face, starting a small revolt with the crowd. Suddenly a safe was thrown at Deidara. "STUFF CLAIRE IN THAT YOURSELF, YOU DOUCHE!!" the person yelled. "Aw come on guys… woah!" Deidara ducked to avoid an anvil being thrown at him. "Okay guys, seriously. I could have died!" he yelled. "THAT'S THE POINT!"
"Who votes Tobi to be the new leader!?" An intern shouted. "WHICH ONE!?" The Tobi crowd asked. "FIGHT TO THE DEATH!!" NOT. AS. PLANNED.
Deidara backed away off the stage only to be flung across the room… right in front of Claire.
"Hello, Deidara-nii-san! Wanna play!?" He could have sworn that the last part was said in an evil man-voice. His eye twitched as a tentacle wrapped around him and flung him into the air. Another tentacle knocked him into the wall.
Claire looked around and frowned. "Aw… No one's left to play…" she pouted. The Tobis had all killed each other and the interns escaped. Except for the original Tobi that we all know and love (to torture). "Oh that was some party…" He said groggily, rubbing a sore spot on his head as he rose from all the rubbish. Just when he looked up, a tentacle smashed him into the ground, pounding him like a hammer. Tobi popped up in another corner of the room. "Hey! That wasn't nice!" he yelled. The tentacle hit him again. He popped up on another part of the room. "Quit it!" he whined as the tentacle tried to smash him again. Thus begins the game, Whack-A-Tobi. You'd all love to play.
-:-With Pein-:-
"Oh God… We're finally at the gates of Konoha!" Pein said happily, crawling on the ground. Konan was sitting on him cross-legged. "Will you please get off!?" Pein shouted. "Fine. You're a horrible taxi. There were bumps everywhere!" Konan complained. Ah, Pein stopped moving.
"Aw man I can't believe you passed out after just that." Konan started kicking Pein all the way to Hinata's house. When he woke up he was kicked in the face. "Ow… why!?" he asked. "It was fun." Konan answered. "Hey! The Hyuga Mansion! We're here!" Pein cheered, standing up.
"Guard, I demand that you let me see Hinata Hyuga or I swear to god I'll fuck you up so bad your own mother won't recognize you!" Pein growled at the guard at the gate. "I-I'm sorry sir, but I can't…" The guard answered. "Why… NOOOT!?" Pein grew three times his size and glared at the guard. "SH-She was going to pick up her boyfriend at the Akatsuki base!!" The guard backed away a bit. Pein shrunk down to normal size. "Th-The base?" he started crying. Konan took out a crowbar and knocked Pein out cold.
"Thank you very much, sir. We'll be leaving you alone now. TAXI!" She called. Immediately a car screeched to a stop in front of them and they drove off.
"Who was that?" Hinata asked, poking her head out the door. "No one." The guard sneered. "Well, I'm gonna go visit my boyfriend now." Hinata put on her jacket and left. "See you later!" The guard called, waving to her. "Bye!"
-:- With the Akatsuki -:-
Hinata somehow made it to the Akatsuki base before Pein and Konan did, looking around at the destruction. She saw Deidara embedded on the wall to her right. "Oh my goodness!" She cried, peeling him off the wall. "Oh god… it's terrible… she destroyed everything… all of them… gone!" Deidara said groggily. "Is Konan mad?" Hinata asked. "Blue hair… clear eyes… hey, you look like my girlfriend!" Deidara sounded drunk.
He swayed from side to side. "Are you alright?" Hinata asked, gripping his shoulder to keep him steady. "No I'm not… she killed everything…" Deidara muttered, leaning on what was left of the wall. "Konan?" Hinata inquired. "No… much worse…" Deidara said darkly. "Worse than Konan when she's mad?" Deidara nodded. They heard a crashing sound in the next room. "It's her." He said dramatically.
Hinata followed the noise to someone's bedroom. Right when she opened the door, Claire's tentacle-monster disappeared, letting her fall onto the bed in the room. "Oh my god…" Hinata saw that Tobi's head was smashed into the ground. "Aww…" Hinata smiled at the small child curled into a ball on the bed. "How precious!" She gushed. "Yeah… precious…" Deidara muttered angrily, leaning on the doorframe.
"WHAT THE F—K HAPPENED!?" Pein shouted, falling to his knees in front of what was left of his base. (his beautiful, beautiful base.) "Who did this? The first person I see will be the person I blame –whom of which will be punished mercilessly regardless of whether or not they are the real culprits." Pein growled, getting up. Just then, Hidan, who was just finishing his long fall from the 47th floor landed in front of them. He looked up. "What's up, leader?" he said casually. Pein growled at him, glaring daggers.
-:- The next day -:-
Hinata was teaching Pein and Konan on how to be okay parents. Pein was using Hidan as a vent for anger whenever he got a question wrong. It was really bad, because the questions were mostly answered correctly by Konan. And really, it was pathetic that they had to ask for guidance from a 15 year old. (tsk, tsk.)
Deidara was out cold for the week, along with most of everyone else who was in the infirmary bandaged like mummies. So much so that they looked more like bandaged eggs than humans. And Poor Itachi had to clean everything else, since the most damage done to him was a big bump to the head that knocked him out in the first place.
The Tobi clones, which everyone thought they got rid of in the huge riot, were actually accidentally cloned again when Tobi discovered the not-so-destroyed cloning machine in the basement. As for the interns… (moment of silence for the loss).
-:- End of Chapter 2-:-
Next Time: Akatsuki Goes to the Beach (maybe)!!
Really, it is pathetic…
P.S: Sorry for the terrible inactiveness of this story. We've been working on other things and I've been working on some other things and some other things have kept us busy and my brain hurts from writing all this and… x.x
Alright, so my teacher was spazzing out during class a few days ago. She told us to be quiet so we whispered instead when we talked. Apparently we weren't being quiet enough so she yelled at us. Then
we lowered our voices so that we were barely audible and STILL she yelled at us. "BE QUIET!! I am deeply disturbed about the noise levels in this classroom! Calm down, all of you!" I bet we were all thinking "You calm down, bitch!" haha sorry that was a random story XD