And I Wake Up Alone
Summary: Elizabeth longs for Jason from afar. Liason. One-Shot.
A/N: What can I say? I love Liason.
Disclaimer: I do not own any GH characters and the song "Wake Up Alone" is from the "Back to Black" album by Amy Winehouse.
it's okay in the day I'm staying busy
tied up enough so I don't have to wonder where is he
got so sick of crying
so just lately
when i catch myself I do a 180
i stay up; clean the house
at least I'm not drinking
run around just so i don't have to think about thinking
that silent sense of content
that everyone gets
just disappears soon as the sun sets
Liz was admittedly never on good terms with her conscience. That damn thing was always whispering in her ear. No matter how hard she tried, she would find herself elbow deep in tricky predicaments that could blow up at anytime. And almost all these situations were a direct result of her constantly playing the martyr. Liz, the constant Good Samaritan. The do-gooder. The perfectionist.
Still, she was, of course, like everyone else. She was human. And, so, she'd allow herself one small selfish pleasure. When the lights of Port Charles were dimmed and all was quiet in the Spencer house and the boys had finally fallen asleep to the words of Hush Little Baby and Lucky was safe and home and in one piece, Liz gently welcomed him into her dreams.
It was a weird, this bond. Not a fairy tale by any means. But she and Jason just fit together. It was a connection that couldn't be explained no matter how hard she had tried. While the world saw him as heartless, she saw him as beautiful. He was the best listener she had ever met. She would sit next to him on the docks and discuss anything and everything—from those new curtains for the kitchen that were on back-order to Cameron's broken toy truck. He'd sit, hands clasped, and listening as intently as he did when Sonny was barking out orders. She'd return the favor by trying to listen just as hard.
"Well, yesterday, Sam …"
But almost as soon as he would start, her eyes would drift from staring across the water to focusing on his profile. His eyes, his mouth … And her mind would go back to that familiar place. That longing, that yearning for what they shared that hot summer night in his pitch-black penthouse.
he's fierce in my dreams seizes my guts
he floods me with dread
soaked in soul
he swims in my eyes by the bed
pour myself over him
moon spilling in
and i wake up alone
This was nothing new to Liz. And she had decided to stop feeling guilty over it some time ago. Lucky would be aside her, sleeping heavily, sometimes his arms wrapped around her or other times simply clutching the comforter, when Liz would slowly let her mind go, smiling to herself.
A year had passed since that night. The secret was out. The dust had settled. All had been forgiven. And while Lucky had never spoke another word about that summer, Liz often had to force herself to keep her own mouth shut. She never brought it up around Lucky or even Emily.
But little by little, she'd quietly indulge herself.
Jason and Liz had come to an agreement about visitation rights regarding Jake outside of court. Jason could stop by whenever he wanted—though she silently preferred it when Lucky wasn't around. This way she could stare a little longer, put a little more curl in her hair and pull the ribbon around her dress just a smidge tighter.
Yes, she could admit it: a part of her always carried a torch for Jason. But after that night at the penthouse? Her desires had gone into overdrive.
As much as she had tried in the days following the night in the penthouse, she couldn't stop herself from thinking about it. The way his breath felt upon her skin, how his damp body felt against her own, the sensations that arose when he touched her, how he seemed to use his hands against her with expertise. And while she was never the girl to kiss and tell, Jason was clearly the frontrunner.
if I was my heart
i'd rather be restless
the second I stop the sleep catches up and I'm breathless
this ache in my chest
as my day is done now
the dark covers me and I cannot run now
It wasn't that Lucky was a bad husband or anything. In fact, their marriage was probably at its most stable than it had ever been. Lucky had gotten himself clean once and for all, and he was amazing with Cameron. Liz had even noticed how less harsh he had become on the subject of Jake. But Lucky wasn't Jason.
And quite frankly, she didn't want him to be. As strange as it seemed, she liked Jason just the way he was: nothing more than a fantasy; something she could never have but lusted after. And besides, there was just something about the thrill of the untouchable.
This idea also worked to help Lucky's own insecurities. Whenever he'd randomly question Liz about her feelings for Jason, she could look him straight in the eye and reassure him that he was the only man she ever wanted because, well, it was true.
And while she was fully aware that Jason and Sam had finally reconciled, something inside her felt Jason often reflected back to that night in the penthouse as well. During his visits, Jason would scoop Jake up in his arms and talk to him like an adult, something Liz always laughed at. The three of them would sometimes stay inside the house and interact on the couch. Other days they would sit in the backyard or go for walks in the park. Though the point of Jason's visits were to see Jake, and he was wonderful with him, he'd give Liz equal attention, if not more. Their conversations would turn personal and Jason would be with Jake in the sandbox and his eyes would meet with Liz's for just a second longer than they should.
Liz would look away, breaking the stare and then quickly brush a hand over her cheek to hide any hint of blushing. She didn't mind what he did to her. The only difficult part was when Jason would get up to leave and the awkward silence at the door would follow.
Jason would usually shove his hands in his pockets and Liz would smile politely.
"Thanks so much for coming over," was her usual line. "I know Jake's young but I'm sure he appreciates it too. He loves having you around."
If Lucky wasn't home she'd usually give him a quick hug, something that always came as a surprise to Jason. Liz could feel him tense up and then quickly relax, returning the embrace. And though just given off as a friendly gesture, they'd stand there just long enough so that Liz could fully inhale his familiar scent and allow their skin to touch for just a few seconds.
But the yearning would last for just a few minutes as she'd remember that he was most vivid in her dreams at night.
my blood running cold
i stand before him
it's all i can do to assure him
when he comes to me
i drip for him tonight
drowning in me we bathe under blue light
"You know, I'm glad this is all working out," Lucky had said randomly one night.
Liz looked up from the bathwater she was running for herself and walked to the door to face Lucky in their bedroom. "What's working out?" she asked.
Lucky shrugged. "You know… everything with Jason and Jake." He let out a small laugh while picking up a stray toy belonging to Cameron. "It's sort of this weird little family we've made."
Liz laughed as well, crossing her arms. "Really? You're honestly okay with Jason visiting?"
"Yeah, you know I … I think it's really good for Jake. I don't mind him being around. And Cam loves him too. If the situation was reversed, I'd want the same thing."
Liz nodded satisfactorily and turned back to the bathroom. "Well, I appreciate that." She began to pour her usual routine of oils and salts into the tub. "I'm sure Jason appreciates it too," she said before undressing and slipping into the hot water.
"How long you're going to be in there?" Lucky called from the bedroom after nearly half an hour later.
Liz extended a leg from the tub, examining the pale pink polish on her toes. "Mmmm… just a little while longer," she lied. Sighing, she sank into the water deeper and stared out of the window hoping the water would begin to make her drowsy.
Jason lived approximately 17 minutes away and she wondered if he was even home at the moment. Oh well, she thought to herself. It doesn't matter.
Soon, Liz could feel herself going under into that familiar haze. She slowly closed her eyes and smiled to herself. No, Jason wasn't near. Nor could she call him.
But it didn't matter too much. As many other nights had proven, whatever occurred in her dreams were always much better than her reality.
he's fierce in my dreams seizes my guts
he floods me with dread
soaked in soul
he swims in my eyes by the bed
pour myself over him
moon spilling in
and I wake up alone
and I wake up alone
and I wake up alone
and I wake up alone