Allo! THANKS A BUNCH to you peeps who reviewed! Your reviews made me really happy! Yay!

Oh Oz…the 'Popular' chapter. I've made it relatively longer (and weirder!) than the actual scene because I'm easily amused and absolutely bursting with ideas. Hopefully you can read to the end without banging your head against the keyboard or going "WTF IS THIS CHICK THINKING?" Thanks.

Chapter Six: Where's The Pink Remover?

Disclaimer: I do not own Wicked or popularity.

Note: Words like this is me, the authoress, poking fun again.

It was tomorrow. The sun was NOT shining brightly and the sky was NOT blue. The two girls were in their room. Galinda was bouncing of the walls, literally not metaphorically, and Elphaba…was just sitting there.

"Wait, so this was your first party?!?!?!"

"Do funerals count?"

Galinda let out a little giggle. "That's not a party unless it was someone you hated." She paused and squealed…again. "I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WAS YOUR FIRST PARTY!!!!!"

"Why don't you just alert the media?" Elphaba snapped.

"I already did!" Before Galinda could open the door, fifty or so Ozians barged in, knocking the door down.

"Hey, you're paying for that!" the blonde demanded. "I paid the guy a million Ozbucks to have it pinkafied with very cherry lining!"

"We don't care," the Ozians said bluntly.

"You should care."

"But we don't."

"Can you guys shut up?"

Everyone looked at the green girl. "Um…please?" said green girl, uh, said.

Galinda applauded. "That's more like it. Remember, the only way to make a friend is to be a friend."

"Look who's talking," Elphaba muttered.

Galinda ignored her and flopped on her bed. "I guess I'm starting my hangover early," she said, rubbing her head. She turned to Elphaba and smiled. "Hey, I have an idea! Let's be best friends!"

A roll of thunder shook the sky.

"Even WE weren't prepared for that one," declared the slightly-less-than-well prepared Ozians.

"You…want to be friends…with me?" Elphaba asked, surprised.

"Sure! I'm wasted and have absolutely no idea what I'm doing! Plus I'm prettier than you and I won't have to worry about you stealing my boyfriend right from under my perfect little nose!"

Uhhh……

"First, names." Galinda cleared her throat. "I'm too lazy and drunk to call you by your full name. So I'll call you…Elphie!"

"Uh, it's a little perky," said Elphaba, I mean, Elphie.

Galinda giggled. "And you can call me…" She gave her poofy skirt one last poof. "…Galinda."

"What's the diff-"

"Now, secrets. Ooo! I love this part!" She smiled wickedly at her new BFF. "Spill!"

"I don't really-"

"All right, Miss Timid. I'll go first." She paused dramatically. "Fiyero and I…" She paused…again. "are going to be married!"

"He's asked you already?"

"Oh, no. He doesn't know yet." She swished her hair and smiled. "But some on, I'm me. Now, tell me."

"Tell you what?" Elphaba asked innocently.

"Your phone number. What do you think?" Galinda rolled her eyes. "Your deepest darkest secret."

"No."

"Tell me."

"No."

"TELLLLLL ME!"

"No."

"Tell me or I'll…I'll…damn it, I don't have any dirt on you yet!"

"Hah hah. Give it up. I have no secret."

"Everybody has a secret. Like…" She leapt for Elphaba's pillow. "…why you keep this green bottle under your pillow! Hey, wait a minute, what's this?"

She pulled out a large black rifle labeled Blonde Remover.

The green girl shifted her eyes. "Now how did THAT get in there?"

The blonde girl looked at the Blonde Remover. "It says here 'Do you have an annoying squeaky roommate that is just too…blonde? Then spray this at her five times. Not four, not six. Five. Blonde no more. Guaranteed results.'"

Elphaba snatched it from her. "All right, I was going to wait until your birthday, but…this is a bubble blower. It will turn any blonde into a bubble in two seconds flat and make her fly away."

"So…it's a bubble maker?"

Elphaba shifted her eyes. "Uh….sure, let's go with that!"

For a moment, Galinda just sat there in silence. Then, she started to cry.

"Galinda! I'm sorry, it was before I knew you…See, I'll throw it out." Elphaba threw it out the window, breaking the glass into a thousand little pieces.

"Hey, you're paying for that!" said the Ozians.

Outside, twenty stories below…

Boq was chained to Nessa's wheelchair and was painting her toenails. "Nessa, can you please unchain me? My butt's getting numb!"

"Don't worry, I bet it'll still be cute…"

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing, nothing," came Nessa's nonchalant reply. "If I unchain you, you might try to run away again."

"Oh, I promise I won't!" Boq said, crossing his fingers.

"All right." She unchained him and looked at her feet. "Come on, Boqqy Woqqy. Less stroke, more brush."

"How about less heart, more slap?"

Irony is my best friend.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing, nothing."

"Oh, Boq, isn't this the best date you've ever been on in your entire life?!" Nessa cried, her eyes becoming animated hearts, although they were not as animated as Galinda's.

"No," Boq said bluntly.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, nothing," he nonchalantly said…nonchalantly.

You guys have a very NONCHALANT relationship.

All of a sudden, something flying from the sky hit Boq on the head, knocking him unconscious. Nessarose screamed.

"Boq, get up! You haven't finished my toes yet!"

Back upstairs…

Galinda was making her way through her tenth box of tissues. Elphaba was sitting next to her, trying to make her feel better. But she was failing. FAILING.

"Galinda, for the hundredth time, I'm sorry!"

"No, that's not it…I'm just so happy!"

"You what?"

"I'm happy!" the crying girl, uh, cried. "It's always been a dream of mine to be a bubble. That, and be named Oz's Next Top Model."

The sound of crickets filled the room.

The Ozians coughed. "Can we move on with this already?"

"Right. So Elphie, what's with the green bottle?"

Elphaba rolled her eyes. "Fine. I'll tell you." She sighed. "My father hates me."

"Oh, Elphie, that's not a secret!"

"Thanks. He hates me because my mother is dead. She's dead because of Nessarose. She's in a wheelchair because-"

"Elphie, classes start in five hours," Galinda declared. "I'm going to have to figure this out, and we don't have that much time."

"You're right. Basically, because I was green, my father made my mother overdose on milkweeds, which caused Nessa to come early, which made her paralyzed and killed my mother."

After the explanation, Galinda's eyes were Xs and her tongue was sticking out. "I don't get it," she said.

"IT'S MY FAULT MY FATHER IS SINGLE!"

Galinda recovered from her post-traumatic stress disorder and gasped. "Oh no, that's terrible!"

"At least now you get it," Elphaba said, rolling her eyes.

Galinda seemed to think about it for a while. "As a good Ozian and your best and only friend, I will say something so utterly cheesy, it will make sap ooze from the walls."

"Good luck," muttered the Ozians.

"Just give me time to think!" Galinda snapped.

Five minutes later…

"You got it?" Elphaba asked.

"No," Galinda said. "Not yet."

Ten minutes later…

"Galinda…?"

"Still thinking!"

"I didn't know you could think for this long."

"Funny."

Forty-four and a half minutes later…

"Galinda, History starts in three hours."

"I don't care, I'm going to sit here and think of something sappy to say until it kills me!"

Sixty minutes later…

"Um, Galinda, are you dead?"

"Uhhhh…."

Uhhhh….

"I GOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Elphaba awoke from her sleepy slumber. "You do?"

"She does?" the Ozians asked, doubtful.

Galinda ignored their doubtingness and held up a piece of paper to the sky. "Elphie, that may be your secret, but it doesn't mean it's true."

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww," the sensitive Ozians cried as pink sap oozed from the walls.

"That's it?" screeched the insensitive Ozians, AKA the males of the group.

Relatively pleased with herself, Galinda hopped down from the bed and stood in the middle of the room. She turned to her new green friend. "Elphie, now that we're friends, I've decided to make you my new project."

Elphaba looked at her in horror. "You REALLY don't have to do that. Please, please don't…" she added silently.

Unfortunately, Galinda seemed to miss this and merely laughed. You could say she had trouble reading between the lines. "I know I don't have to. That's what makes me so nice! LIGHTS!!!"

The room suddenly became dark. "Ahem?" A pink spotlight landed on the pink girl, adding more pinkness than necessary.

Ding!

Whenever I see someone less fortunate than I

"And let's face it-who isn't?"

"Who isn't what?"

"Less fortunate than IIIII!"

My tender heart tends to start to bleeeeed

And when someone needs a makeover

I simply HAVE to take over

I know, I know

Exactly what they neeeeeeed

And even in your case

She looked at the sullen green girl and paused.

Though it's the toughest case I've yet to face

Don't worry , I'm determined to succeeeeeeed

Follow my leeeeeeeeead!

And yes, indeed

You. Will. Beeeee…

"Dumb?"

"No! Even better!"

Popular!

I'll help you be pop-uuu-lar!

I'll teach you the proper ploys

When you talk to boys

Little ways to flirt and flounce

Ooo!

I'll show you want shoes to wear

How to fix your hair

Everything that really counts to be

Popular!

I'll help you be pop-uuu-lar!

You'll hang with the right cohorts

You'll be good at sports

"Cheerleading isn't a sport."

"It is too!"

"Riiiiight…"

Know the slang you've got to knooooow!

So let's start!

Cause you've got an awfully long way to go…

"Thanks. I feel great about myself now," Elphaba said, rolling her eyes.

Don't be offended by my frank analysis

Think of it as personality dialysis

Now that I've chosen to become a pal, a sis-

Ter and advisor

There's nobody wiser

Not when it comes to

Popular!

I know about pop-uuu-lar!

"You're so conceited," Elphaba whispered.

"What was that?"

"Oh, I said nothing."

And with an assist from me

To be who you'll be

Instead of dreary who you were…

"Well, are," Galinda corrected.

For once, Elphaba did not bother to comment.

There's nothing that can stop you

From becoming populer…

Lar…

She saw the look Elphaba gave her and huffed. "What? I had to rhyme!"

Galinda then proceeded to dance and twirl like a little ballerina in a tutu with a broken leg while yodeling in the highest soprano any Ozian has ever heard.

LAAAA LAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAA!!!!

Correction, make that two broken legs.

I'm gonna make you Pop. U. Lar.

When I see depressing creatures

With unprepossessing features

"Hey!"

"Oh, sorry," Galinda said, not sounding sorry at all.

I remind them on their own

We have. To. Think. Of-

Celebrated heads of state or specially great communicatORS

Did they have brains or knowledge?

Don't make me laugh!

They were popular!

Please-

It's all about pop-uuu-lar!

"These are the shallowest lyrics I've ever heard."

"Well, what do you expect? I'm not that deep."

It's not about aptitude

It's the way you're viewed

So it's very shrewd to be

Very very popular

Like me!

LAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Hey, you added in four extra 'la's!

Galinda shifted her eyes. "No I didn't."

It's not smart to mess with the songs.

"Oh please, can I do some more?"

"NO!!!!" screamed the Ozians. "OUR EARS ARE ALREADY BLEEDING!"

Fine…I need a good laugh anyway.

LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

"Okay, I'm done." The Ozians clapped as Galinda bowed. "Oh, Elphie, aren't I just a musical genius?"

"No."

Galinda chose to ignore her anti-Galindaism and brought out her massive box of cosmetics. "Come on, Elphie, it's time for the beautification!"

Elphaba backed away from the cosmetics in fear. "No, it's not."

The pink girl pouted. "Do you want me to start singing again?"

"PLEASE DON'T!"

LAAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LAA-

"OKAY OKAY OKAY I'LL LET YOU GALINDAFY ME! JUST STOP WITH THE YODELING! PLEASE!"

"That's what I thought you meant."

Later…MUCH later…

The green girl was beautified. The blonde girl was joyified. The poor Ozians were annoyified. The snappy authoress was sleep deprived.

"Oh, Elphie, you're absolutely glowing!"

Nice pun there, blonde one.

"I am?" Elphaba questioned, incredulous.

"Of course! Would I lie to you?" Galinda demanded, hurt.

"Um…yes."

For the billionth time that day, Galinda ignored her and stood her up. "Now, the outfit." She pulled out her training wand. "I will now transform your simple frock into a positively glorious ball gown. She ruffled her skirts and started waving the wand.

"Ball gown!" she demanded.

Nothing.

"Ball gown!"

Nothing. In the background, an Ozian coughed.

"Ball gown!"

"Do you want me to try?" Elphaba suggested.

"No! No, I'm completely capable of doing it myself!" Galinda hit the training wand against her knee. "Is this thing on?"

"Maybe it's turned off," Elphaba said sarcastically.

"Don't be silly. I think I would know if it-" She looked at the wand. It was set on OFF. "Well, what do you know? Heh heh…" She turned it on and waved it again. "BALL GOWN!"

Suddenly, a flash of pink lightening hit Elphaba, causing everyone else to be thrown back approximately 3.78 feet.

"What the hell just happened?" the Ozians shrieked.

Galinda walked over to wear Elphaba was standing. "Elphie? Did it work?"

"What do you think?"

The blonde girl who was trying to be a sorceress but was failing miserably looked to where the voice was coming from. She screamed.

Elphaba had been turned into a cactus.

"WTF?" screeched the Ozians.

"This is the most messed up spell-gone-wrong I've ever seen in my entire life!" screamed an Ozian who was trying to separate himself from the group. But he was stupidly stating the obvious, so everyone shunned him mercilessly.

"Elphie, I'm sorry!"

"Just turn me back!"

"I'm scared to!"

"Just do it!"

"Why don't you just stay like that?"

"Are you kidding me? I don't want to be a cactus!"

"Look at it like this. Cactuses are green anyway. No one will make fun of you now."

"GALINDA!"

"Okay, okay!" She squeezed her eyes shut and waved her wand again. "Freaky green girl!"

The flash of pink lightening landed on the Elphie-cactus, causing everyone to fly back 3.79 feet instead of the typical 3.78.

"Elphie! You all right?"

Elphaba was pulling needles out of her arm and glaring at Galinda. "By the way, it's cacti, not cactuses."

Five hundred sixty-one needles later…

"The next part is very crucial, Elphie, so listen up!" Galinda, clad in a lab coat and fake glasses, pulled down a conveniently-placed overhead and slapped a ruler on it. "Lights!" The lights dimmed again.

"Ahem?"

A spotlight landed on Galinda.

"Thank you. Now, this is a stiletto. It is very painful to wear and may generally result in an amputation of your foot. But it's gorgeous so it's worth it." She clicked on the next slide. "Now this is my personal fave-Elphie, are you writing this down?"

"What? Oh, yeah," Elphaba said, quickly grabbing a notebook and jotting down notes.

"And you call me dumb," Galinda muttered. She slapped her pink ruler against the screen. "The Ugg."

"The Ugg?"

"The Ugg. Fuzzy on the inside, spicy on the outside."

"Um, do you want me to write that down?"

Galinda rolled her eyes. "I'm saying it, aren't I? This will be what you're wearing tomorrow."

"The Ugg?"

"The Ugg."

"I don't want to wear the Ugg."

"You will wear the Ugg. You'll wear it and you'll like it."

"I'm not wearing an Animal."

"Fine. You'll wear Fuggs. All right?"

"All right."

All right…

"Now Elphie, this is how you flip your hair." Galinda swished her hair. "Toss toss!" Her blonde hair slapped an Ozian in the face.

"My eyes! They've been blondified!" he screamed. But everyone ignored him. Poor little blondified Ozian.

"Toss toss?" Elphaba flipped her hair less enthusiastically.

"No, like this." Galinda flipped her hair harder. "Toss toss!" She sent her hair flying at warp speed, whacking the poor Ozian again.

"OUCH!" he cried.

"Okay, I think I got it now." Elphaba tried again. "Toss toss."

"More flip, less toss. TOSS TOSS!"

"CAN YOU STOP HITTING ME!" the nearly-blind Ozian screeched.

"Toss toss," Elphaba said.

Galinda rubbed her aching neck. "You can practice on your own. That's your homework."

"Okay?"

"I don't mean to get all sappy again, but look at yourself! You're a less attractive green brunette version of me!" Galinda wiped a tear from her eye. "I'm so proud!"

Elphaba stood there and looked at herself in the mirror. She smiled. "It didn't break this time!"

Galinda clapped her hands. "Now, the finishing touch." She took the pink flower from her head and put it in Elphaba's hair.

"Well what do you know! Pink goes good with green!"

Sappy friendship music started to fill the room and more pink sap oozed from the walls, covering the floor.

"Uh…I have to go." Elphaba ran out of the room quickly.

"You're welcome?" Galinda called. She caught herself in the mirror and winked. "Hello!"

And though you protest

Your disinterest

I know clandestinely

You're gonna grin and bear it

Your new found popularity

Ah!

"Oh no, we thought you were done!" the Ozians moaned.

LAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

You'll be popular!

Just not quite as popular

Aaas. MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

Halfway during Galinda's belted 'me,' Boq burst into the room.

"Miss Galinda! Someone's trying to kill you!" He held up the Blonde Remover. "Look what hit me!"

Galinda screamed and threw her pink pillows at him. "Get out of here! This is the girls' dormitory!"

Boq ran out quickly so no pink would get on him, just to come face-to-face with a very pissed off Nessarose.

"There you are, Boq!"

"How did you…"

"If this is going to work, you're going to have to forget about Galinda and focus all your attention on me!" The physically disabled girl gave him an icy glare, literally causing icicles to form on the ceiling. "And just so you know, if I could tap my foot in an irritated fashion, I would!"

Nessa then grabbed Boq and chained him to her wheelchair. "You will be punished for this, Boq."

The Munchkin boy gasped. "No, Nessa! I'm sorry, I promise I'll be good!"

"It's too late for that. Now come on!"

"Not the hose! Not the hose!"

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