Hellooooo my fellow Ozians! Wow it's certainly been a while! Hope you review anyway! Once again, I am absolutely STUNNED by you people's wondrous comments. As always, they make me happy! Thanks a million times over!!!
Chapter Seven: Drowning In Sap
Disclaimer: I'm not that owner…
Note: Once again, this is the sleep deprived authoress poking fun/making a statement/being easily amused. Try not to mind her too much. (wink)
It was today. Not tomorrow. Today. The hung-over students of Doctor Dillamond's first period History class were sluggishly trying to get to their seats but were unable to because…they were hung-over.
L'duh.
A certain little Munchkin boy with two black eyes and two broken legs and nine broken toes stumbled into class on crutches.
"Where the hell am I?" he said not particularly to anyone.
A newly-Galindafied Elphaba strode over to him. "You're in Doctor Dillamond's first per-"
"No need to answer. That was rhetorical," Boq said.
Somewhere above their heads, a hung-over Galinda was going, Hey, MY line.
"Did Nessarose beat you up?" Elphaba asked.
"No, I decided to put myself in a near coma because I'm panic nauseous and suicidal," Boq declared.
"Hey, only I can use sarcasm," the sarcastic green girl stated.
Was that meant to be sarcastic?
Boq ignored the authoress and somehow managed to roll his blackened eyes in a mocking fashion. "Whatever."
"What did you say, punk?" Elphaba snapped, choking the poor little Munchkin.
"I said nothing! Nothing!"
"That's what I thought." She dropped him to the ground.
"Man, wickedness really runs in the family," the Ozians said, pointing out the obvious.
At that exact moment, Fiyero decided to stroll over to point and laugh at the unconscious Boq. "You got beat up by a girl!" he observed, laughing. "And she's in a wheelchair!"
Elphaba glared at him. "Do you want to get beat up by a green girl?"
Fiyero shrank back in fear. "No thank you."
"Good." She then proceeded to try toss tossing in a high soprano. "Toss toss!" She was suddenly aware of Fiyero staring at her.
"What?" she snapped.
"I've never met anyone more bipolar in my entire life," he said.
"Shut up."
The most swankified hunk in Oz ignored this and pointed to her boots. "Uggs?"
"Fuggs."
"Right."
Meanwhile, a nearly dead Boq was trying to get back on his feet, but Nessarose rolled right over him via wheelchair, so he was back to where he started. But no one got up to help him. Because no one cared.
"You've been Galinda-fied," said Fiyero rather stupidly, not letting it go.
Elphaba rolled her eyes. "I'm glad the loss of your brain has heightened your other senses."
Fiyero ignored this, primarily because it was true. "You don't have to do that, you know."
"Do what?"
"Be a Galinda."
The sound of crickets filled the room, even though it was daytime and they were inside.
Did Fiyero just say something…smart?
"It's the end of the wooooooooorld!" the Ozians shrieked. "Nooooooooooooooooo!"
At that precise moment, Doctor Dillamond, AKA the Goat, skipped in, beating his hooves against the chalkboard, as well as his head.
Not at the same time, of course. At separate times.
"All you hormonally imbalanced adolescents, listen up," the Goat announced. "We were supposed to start learning about something insufficient, but today I'm going to teach you something actually worth knowing." He cleared his throat.
"My head hurts and I've got the runs. Plus, I'm hung-over. Who can tell me what this means?"
Elphaba raised her hand. "It means you're drunk."
"No. It means I was drunk yesterday. Now, who can tell me why I decided to be under the influence?"
"You're an alcoholic!" a Shizian shouted.
"Your Goat wife left you!" suggested another.
"You're gay!" piped up a third.
"No, yes, and maybe." The Goat paused. "It's because-"
"Your girlfriend-on-wheels keeps running you over?" Boq suggested from his place on the ground.
"That's my cue!" Nessarose yelped as she put her wheelchair into gear and ran him over again, crushing his tenth toe.
"Ow," is all the Munchkin boy could muster. He then proceeded to curl up in a little ball.
"WILL YOU STUPID KIDS PLEASE SHUT UP?!?!"
Everyone stared at the pissed off Goat in silence.
"Thank you. Now, I'm leaving because-"
Suddenly, two Men In Green waltzed into the room.
Yes, you heard correctly. Men In Green.
"Come on, Goat," one of them said.
"I haven't even gotten a chance to announce my retirement!" the Goat protested.
"What?" Elphaba cried. "Why, Doctor Dillamond?"
"It is unfortunate to say that Animals can no longer teach here at Shiz University," Doctor Dillamond declared. "Or any other university for that matter."
"And that's unfortunate…why?" said the Ozians.
Elphaba, ever the activist, jumped up. "They can't do that!" she cried.
"Oh, but we can," replied the Men In Green.
"No you can't."
"Yes we can."
"No you can't."
"Who do you think you are?" the Men In Green said, finally giving up. "The Wizard's daughter?"
Uhhh…
"Class, just remember, they can take away my job, but they can't take away my voice," Doctor Dillamond voiced as he was being escorted out. "Always continue speaking out, they cannot silence-"
He was then silenced by the Men In Green. The last thing anyone heard from him was Hey, watch the goatee and a long line of baaaaaaaaaaaaahs.
"Are we just going to sit here and do nothing?" Elphaba asked the class after a lengthy silence.
"Yes," said the Ozians.
The class said nothing. Finally, Fiyero decided to help.
"I don't know," he said.
"Thanks for the help."
"You're welcome."
All of a sudden, a human teacher walked in holding a cage. "Hello class. I am your new teacher, Mister Nikidik."
"Um…what?" asked the Ozians.
I don't know! That's what it says in the book.
And you NEVER question the book.
"What book?" Fiyero questioned.
So you're deaf now too?
"Where's the Goat guy?" Fiyero asked randomly to anyone, ignoring the authoress.
Elphaba slapped him. "You idiot, where have you been?"
"In Ozapalooza."
"WTF?" shouted the Ozians.
"Why didn't you take me with you?" demanded the Ozian who was trying to separate himself from the group but was continuing to fail. FAIL.
And just in you're wondering, it was the same Ozian who got hit in the eye with Galinda's hair. And the one who fainted in the first chapter.
It will always BE the same Ozian.
Everyone looked at said Ozian with utter disdain and remorse.
"What?"
Once again, he was shunned mercilessly.
"Everyone, gather around now," Mister Nikidik ordered. He then removed the cloth covering the cage with a dramatic flourish. "Ta daaaaaa!"
Everyone gathered around and stared. "What is it?" they asked in unison. UNISON!
"It's a roasted chicken. What do you think it is?" He then held up the cage Lion King style. Except the thing that was not a roasted chicken was in a cage and his name wasn't Simba. It was Sanjaya.
No, I'm not mistaking. He actually has a name.
"It is a Lion Cub!" Mister Nikidik announced proudly.
"A Lion Cub?"
"A Lion Cub. Like all the other Animal babies, instead of teaching him to speak, we're going to try to exterminate him by silencing him at birth." He saw the gaping students gap at him.
"Oops, did that slip out?"
The authoress then proceeded to flip through her Western Civilizations notes frantically.
This seems oddly familiar. Holocaust, anyone?
"Why is he in a cage?" Elphaba demanded.
"It's good for him," Mister Nikidik replied.
"If it's good for him, then why is he trembling?"
"He's just excited to be here, that's all."
"Why are you so bad at lying?"
"Why do you ask so many questions?" Mister Nikidik then whipped the cage with his travel-sized whip, causing the Lion Cub to shrink in horror.
"Stop it! You're scaring him!" Elphaba shouted.
"Look who's talking," Mister Nikidik muttered, rolling his eyes. "Soon, all the Animal babies will be in cages, silencing them, forever keeping humans above the Animal species. Oops, did that slip out again?"
Da da da dun...
"Oh, no! This is terrible!" Elphaba said to Fiyero. "Can you imagine a world where Animals are kept in cages and they don't speak?"
Yes. It's called good ol' planet Earth.
But all Fiyero could say was, "I don't know."
"Can you say anything besides 'I don't know'?"
"I don't know," he answered, sitting there like a pathetic fool.
"Well, I can't just sit here like a pathetic fool!" She saw the look Fiyero gave her and decided to ignore him. "Someone's got to…DO SOMETHING!"
Suddenly, sparks began to fly everywhere and smoke filled the room in a creepy fashion. The Shizians and Mister Nikidik started to dance spastically, like a couple of spastic people on crack.
WHICH NONE OF YOU SHOULD BE USING.
"Uh…." said the Ozians, quickly hiding something in their pockets.
"What the hell did you do?" Fiyero cried.
"I don't know…" Elphaba stammered. "I got mad and…"
"How did you do it?"
"If I knew, don't you think I would have already stopped it by now?" she snapped.
"All right, all right. Just whatever you do, don't get mad at me." He grabbed the Lion Cub caged in a cage. "Well, are you coming?"
No. She's not going to a random conveniently-placed dark forest a couple miles away with the hottest hunk in Oz unsupervised. Right, Elphaba?
In a random conveniently-placed dark forest a couple miles away…
"Careful, don't shake him!" the green girl ordered.
"I'm not," the brainless guy, who was shaking the cage, said. "You must think I'm really stupid, don't you?"
Yes.
"No, not really stupid," Elphaba said, shifting her eyes. "What makes you think that?"
Fiyero pulled out a copy of How To Piss Off Your Bubbly Best Friend's Really Stupid (But Hot) Boyfriend, Volume 1,726,435,342.
"You left this back at the class," he said, annoyed.
Elphaba snatched it from him. "Don't look at that!" She then threw it in the direction of some trees. Fortunately, an Ozian was standing in the way, so the trees were not harmed.
"My eye!" said Ozian, uh, said as the book hit him at 78.4 miles per hour.
"I also found this," Fiyero said, holding up a copy of Find Your Inner Princess.
Elphaba looked at it. "That's not mine."
There was an awkward silence. Fiyero then shifted his eyes and whistled and tucked the book inside his pocket, saying nothing.
"Wooooooooooooooow," wowed the Ozians.
The Lion Cub, desperate for some attention, starting roaring. Elphaba glared at the guy who was trying to find the princess within himself and grabbed the cage from said princess. Uh, I mean, guy.
"Look what you did!" she scolded. "You caused a commotion, and now he's scared."
"Look who's talking," he muttered.
"Excuse me?"
"You're the one always causing some sort of commotion," Fiyero stated, waving his arms around to illustrate his point.
"I don't cause commotions, I am one."
"That's for sure."
You walked right into that one, green one.
Then, Elphaba exploded. Metaphorically AND literally. "Oh! Do you think I want to be this way?"
"Um…"
"Do you think I want to care this much?"
"Um…"
"Don't you think I'd rather want to dance through life like you and the rest of those mindless blonde drones?"
"Um…"
"But you know why I don't?"
"Um…"
"Because I'm too busy taking care of everyone else in their utter laziness!"
"Um…"
"For Oz's sake, Fiyero, if you have something to say just say it."
"But….but…you don't let anyone else speak!"
Elphaba seemed to think this over for a while. "You're right. Sorry." There was a silence. "Can I just say one more thing?"
Fiyero rolled his eyes and she took that as a yes. "You could have walked away back there," she declared. "So no matter how self-absorbed and shallow you pretend to be-"
"Excuse me?" the self-absorbed shallow guy said. "There is no pretense here. I happen to be extremely self-absorbed and deeply…shallow."
"No you're not. Then you wouldn't be so unhappy."
Ouch.
"Damn, Fiyero!" the Ozians said. "You lost!"
"You know what?" the loser guy said, infuriated. "If you don't need my help, then I'll just leave."
"No, don't!" As Fiyero was about to leave, she grabbed his hand.
As if on cue, sappy music started to fill the forest in an extremely sappy fashion.
"Hey, where's that music coming from?" the Ozians asked.
I had the forest wired last night.
"Why?" a very confused Fiyero asked.
Oh, you mindless, idiotic fool.
Then, shiny lights shined in the trees, adding more extreme sap to the scene.
"What was THAT for?" the Ozians questioned.
Seriously, do you guys and Fiyero share one brain?
"Possibly…"
Thanks, that explains a lot.
Elphaba was the only one who understood what was going on. "Can't you just mind your own business?" she demanded.
No.
"Why not?" demanded Fiyero.
Because…
"Because why?"
It's amusing...
"No it's not!"
...for me.
"But I can't stand him!" cried the green girl.
"And I can't stand her!" said the brainless guy.
Oh really? You can't stand each other?
"Yes!" they chorused.
Then why are you still holding hands?
They looked at their entwined hands and let go, blushing. The sappy music started again, and the Ozians were suddenly taking interest, scribbling down notes.
The atmosphere was too awkward to bear, so Elphaba went over to Sanjaya (AKA the Cub), who was sleeping. "Look, it's trembling…"
"No it isn't," pointed out an Ozian.
"…I didn't mean to scare him…"
"Then what did you mean to do? And why didn't you do it to me?" asked Fiyero, joining her on the ground.
Think about it for a minute, you idiot.
Oh wait, you can't.
She looked at him. "You're bleeding," she stated bluntly.
"Really?" He wasn't really buying it, but he didn't really care.
"It must have scratched you," she said. "Or something…"
"Yeah…or something."
"Wait, how could it have scratched him if it was in a cage the whole time?" and Ozian pointed out after a couple moments of tense silence. But everyone shushed him so they could watch the sap unfolding. Plus, the authoress proceeded to drop a ten ton brick on his head, so he was knocked unconscious.
Meanwhile, those two were getting a little too close for comfort. Elphaba was about to touch a scar on Fiyero's face that wasn't there, and the Ozians were writing so fast, they were writing in fire instead of lead. The couple-to-be were about to kiss, when…
I'm a Ozzy gir!l In the Ozzy world!
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere!
Imagination, life is your creation!
Fiyero whipped out his cell phone, looking extremely embarrassed. "Hello?" he answered. High-pitched squeaking emerged from the other line. "Yes, Galinda, I'll pick up your pink dry cleaning…" He hung up, and Elphaba was looking at him curiously.
"Are you sure you're not gay?" she asked.
"Hey, I was about to kiss you, wasn't I?"
She blushed. "Oh…right."
He got up, picking up the cage. "So…I'd better get to safety. I mean, the Cub…yeah, him, so uh…"
He then ran to the right speedy-quick. A couple minutes later, he came back, running in the opposite direction, leaving Elphaba all alone. Lonely. Forlorn. In her solitude.
"Okay, we get it," she said.
More music started playing, and the Ozians put earplugs in their ears, preparing for another belting number.
Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl
"Hey, where's the beltingness?" asked the male Ozians.
"Shhhhhhh….." silenced the female Ozians. "This is the most sap we've ever seen!"
Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl
"Yeah, you're not."
"Shut up."
"Okay."
Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in
Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
"Well DUH," noted the Ozians.
Gold hair with gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And heaven knows
I'm not that girl.
I beg to differ.
"Um…why?" asked the girl-who-claimed-she-was-not-that-girl.
Because the book doesn't say so.
"Um…what?"
Think about it for a while.
2.3 seconds later…
"EW, NO!"
Hah.
"You're disturbing!"
YOU disturb ME. So I guess we're even now.
"Go away! Please?"
"Just ignore her," said an Ozian. "She'll go away eventually."
No I won't. I have a VERY strong attention span.
Ooo, look! Sushi!
Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl...
"AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW…" awed the sensitive Ozians, dabbing their eyes.
"SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP…" moaned the males, NOT dabbing their eyes.
Suddenly, it started to rain, adding to the sap of it all. As if on cue, Horrible Morrible entered the scene, big butt and hair and all.
"Miss Elphaba! There you are!" she cried, holding an umbrella over them. "I couldn't distinguish you from the rest of these trees! Good news, I finally heard back from the Wizard!"
"You did?"
"And he wants to meet with you!"
"He does?"
"Yes! I know how upset you were the other day with Doctor Dillamond's retirement-"
It was today, you moron.
"-but I can assure you, my dear, when one door closes, another door opens!" She pulled out a green envelope.
Elphaba grabbed it and squealed. "Yay!" She paused, slapping herself. "I really am becoming Galinda-fied," she said.
"You don't have to worry about that blonde bimbo any longer!" Madame Morrible clapped her hands. The rain disappeared and the sun smiled and the angels sung.
"Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!"
"All right, that's enough," said Morrible.
The Ozian Choir hung their heads low and scurried away.
"Now, try to make me proud my dear," ordered Morrible. "We can't have this University looked at as a disgrace."
"I will," assured the green girl. They stood there in silence. "Okay, can you go now?"
Once Morrible left, the Ozian Chorus, combined with the Ozian Orchestra, crawled out from their hiding place to play some music.
And then we'll finally beThe Wizard and I…
"That one little reprise of The Wizard and I was unNECessary," said an Ozian.
"Shut up."
"Okay."
Review please! Pleeeease?