Oh. Wow. It's been a while. Oh noes! Writer's block kind of makes it hard to have free writing time. But I'm back, and hopefully that doesn't make you hide into your little customary corners. Once again, thanks a BUNCH for the reviews you reviewers, they make me happy and roll on the floor and laugh! YOU ROCK!
Chapter Eight: Ozian Overture (I just can't help myself with the alliteration!)
Disclaimer: The day I own Wicked is the day I hate Wicked.
Note: This is me, the authoress, making fun of the poor, not-so-innocent characters. Seriously, have you READ the book?
We join our little friends at the Shizian train station, where millions of pedestrians walk, talk, and roll like sushis every day. Throughout all the hustle and bustle, on Platform Five and Five Fifths. were the three witches-to-be of Oz.
"Yeah seriously, they constantly forget all about me," complained Nessarose as she was being rolled in. "I'm special too, you know."
I'm sorry, what was that?
Meanwhile, the short blonde one was busy lecturing her green friend on the highlights of The Highlights on How To Talk To The Wonderfullest Wizard of Oz 101.
"Elphie, make sure you write this down: always keep eye contact, but not too much to make him scared and become mentally unstable. Also don't forget to tell him how wonderful he is, he might be a Wizard, but he's also an egotistical man. And mostliest, be yourself." She paused. "Well, within reason. Did you get all that?"
Elphaba looked up from her notebook. "All I wrote was 'Surrender individuality and be stupid.' How's that?"
Galinda rolled her eyes. "Honestly, must you be so vague? Try this: 'Surrender individuality and be a Galinda.'" The blonde rolled her eyes…again. "And you think I'm stupid…"
"Have you guys forgotten about me again?" demanded Nessa.
"Of course not, Vanessa," Galinda said.
"I am NOT the Hudgens!"
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiight…."
The girl confined to a wheelchair huffed (not on cigarettes, of course) and crossed her arms. "Where is Boq? I told him to meet me here for our daily mani/pedi. It's our special TIME together. If that boy's not here in two seconds, I swear I'll…"
But a truck drove by loudly, drowning her out, even though they were in a train station.
2.10532 seconds later…
Boq came running in from the right, huffing and puffing. On cigarettes, of course. (That naughty boy. Hugs, not drugs, kids.)
"Sorry I'm late, it's really hard to run with two broken legs. I-"
But he was cut off by a sudden slap to the face.
"Boq, you are late, mister. I am NOT happy," Nessarose affirmed. "And you know what happens when I'm not happy."
Elphaba and Galinda whistled and slowly took five steps back, leaving Boq alone with the ice witch.
"Don't leave me here with her!" he pleaded. But no one helped him. Because no one cared.
Ignoring his forlorn cries, Nessa took out some Pink Me Pretty nail polish and started pinkafying Boq's nails.
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" cried Boq, trying to run away, but seeing as how his nails were being more pinked by the second, he was failing. FAILING.
"That ain't right," said a ghetto fabulous Ozian. But he was stupidly stating the obvious AGAIN so the authoress zapped him with a bolt of lightning.
Heh.
Five minutes later…
Boq was sitting on the bench, crying his little Munchkin eyes out. Nessa was now painting his toenails. Galinda was trying to comfort him. Elphaba and the rest of the Ozians were taking notes and silently laughing at the scene unfolding. The authoress was chugging down some hot chocolate from her Ozzy Princess cup to try to stay awake.
And there were marshmellows.
MARSHMELLOWS.
"It's okay, Biq. Pink is my favorite color," the pink-loving girl stated.
"It's Boq!" Boq wailed.
"Oh, I'm sorry. But look at it this way: tough guys wear pink." She fluttered her eyelashes. "And tough guys are the new pink."
The Ozians gasped as they rolled off their Segways. What was this? Galoq behavior? On Galinda's part? What?
In response to the emerging Galoq-ness, Nessarose threw the pink nail polish at Galinda, but all this did was pinkafy her more, which made her very happy.
"Yay! More pinky!"
Nessa snarled and took out her black nail polish and aimed it towards Galinda again, but the blonde pushed Boq in front of her before she could be de-pinkafied.
"No!!" Boq shouted as he jumped from his seat. "I will not stand for this! I was voted most confident in my low self-esteem group. Nessa, I didn't object to the shopping sprees and Roll-A-Thons, but the pink nail polish and the constant physical abuse…I can't do it anymore!"
To illustrate his point, (and to display his manly boyishness), the angry Boq boy threw his head back and staggered away from the scene speedy quick, evoking feelings of surprise from the Ozian audience on how a three point three foot Munchkin with two broken legs could get away from the iron clutches of one very pissed off Nessarose, but amazingly he was able to do so in a very provocative manner.
That was so NOT a run-on sentence.
"Boq, wait!" Suddenly, Nessa became very sad and she sunk in her seat.
"Oh nooooo…" whimpered the Bessa fans, wiping their eyes.
"Oh yessss…." hissed the Galoq fans, NOT wiping their eyes.
"Is it so wrong to forcibly paint your boyfriend's nails?" Nessa questioned.
"Yes," said Elphaba.
"No," said Galinda. She glanced at her friend, who was looking at her strangely. "What?"
"Galinda, help Nessa," Elphaba said. "I'm bad at this."
"All right." The blonde turned to the wheel-chaired girl and cleared her throat. "Nessa, as your friend and fellow Ozian, I will offer you advice and guidance that will not only comfort you, but will make you feel better as well." She paused for dramatic effect.
"Maybe he's just not the right one for you."
"Yeah, that sure helped," said Elphaba, rolling her eyes.
Nessarose glared at the blonde. "Ex-CUSE me, but the last time I checked, you're the one who set me up with him. That little pathetic Munchkin boy is MINE."
"I am not little!" shouted Boq from 3,452,514.73 centimeters away.
Galinda gasped, realizing what Nessa was implying at. "I wasn't…"
By now the Ozians had divided themselves into rival factions, Bessa fans on one side and Gloq fans on the other. Both sides were leaning in close to listen and scribbling down notes furiously, trying to keep up with the love triangle DRAMA.
Galinda narrowed her eyezzzz. (No, that was not a typo). "Nessa, I am a very peaceful pacifist, so DON'T MAKE ME ANGRY. I'm not the type to get into a fight over a guy."
"Um…" said the Ozians, flipping ahead in the script.
"Oh, Galinda, don't blame yourself. I just have no female instincts," Nessa said sadly, her bipolar tendencies kicking in. "And it's me who's not right." Defeated, she rolled herself over to where Boq had gone.
"Nessa, wait!" Elphaba was about to run after her but Galinda held her back.
"She'll be fine, Elphie, don't worry about it," Galinda ordered. "She'll have to learn how to survive on her own." She sighed. "We all will."
"Um….that's nice and all, but can you let go of my arm?"
"Oh, sorry." She let go of her green friend's arm (which surprisingly was green as well) and frowned. "But who's going to make me smarterer while you're away? If I hang out just with my boyfriend, I might grow dumb again!"
"You have the Elphie-double to keep you company," Elphaba pointed out.
Galinda looked at the silent cactus next to her and wailed. "It's just not the same!"
"Oh, relax. You won't even notice I'm gone. Besides, you have Fiyero. Speaking of which, where is he?" She saw the odd look Galinda was giving her and quickly added, "NotthatI'dexpecthimtosaybyetomewebarelyknoweachother."
Out of a desperate need for attention, Galinda dramatically slapped the back of her hand on her pink forehead. "Oh, I don't know him either! He's distant, moodified, angerfied, annoyified, grumpified, sadified…"
Meanwhile…
The most swankified hunk in Oz was frolicking through a field of flowers while trying to stick roses and daisies and orchids-oh my!-in Sanjaya's head.
Um...
"THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH FROLICKING THROUGH A FIELD OF FLOWERS WITH A GAY LION!"
I never said there was.
"Oh. Well, then pretend I didn't say anything." Fiyero stopped frolicking and sat down on a conveniently placed rock, silently stroking the Cub.
Stop stroking Sanjaya.
"Why?"
He doesn't need anymore stupid rubbed on him.
"Was that supposed to offend me?"
I rest my case.
"Why are you so mean?"
Why are you so stupid?
"YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUB IT IN MY FACE YOU KNOW!"
And menstrual?
"I AM NOT A WOMAN!"
But you're practically on the brink of-
"LEAVE ME ALONE!!"
No. I like making you look more stupid than you are.
Wait, you can do that yourself.
"Shut up."
You flunked first grade.
"It was only in Math and English!"
You were on that show 'Are You Smarter Than A Piece of Paper?'
"So?"
…You lost.
"How did you-"
I know everything. Plus, you're not deep enough to figure out.
"Oh yeah? What's my favorite color?"
Four.
"Are you a psychic?"
Yes.
"Wow…"
Now I'm bored. Pick up those flowers and follow me.
"Why?"
Because I said so.
"Why?"
JUST DO IT.
"OKAY OKAY!"
Good.
"What are these flowers for, yo?"
The authoress then zapped him for stepping out of bounds and calling her 'yo.' And for displaying his stupidity.
"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" said idiot cried.
Idiots aren't allowed to ask questions. They follow orders.
"I AM NOT AN IDIOT!" He paused, trying to manage the real world of making his own decisions.
0.0000032657 seconds later...
"Okay, now what should I do?"
Bring the Cub.
"The Cub?"
The Cub.
"Fine."
This conversation was pretty pointless.
"Yeah it was."
Like you.
"HEY!"
You're only good for one thing.
"WHAT?!"
Just shut up.
"All right."
9.8 Newtons, I mean, minutes later…darn you physics homework!
"…and he's been thinking, which really worries me." Galinda took out her pink hanky and daintily honked her nose into it. "Honestly, I didn't even know he cared about that stupid old goat."
"You mean Goat."
"Isn't that what I said?"
Silence followed soon after because there was nothing remotely interesting to talk about.
"I'm special!" shouted an Ozian.
Yes, yes you are.
Galinda continued to dab her eyes with the pink hanky…panky. "I mean, the constant alooftation, the remorsement, the distancification, it leads me to believe one thing…" she paused for dramatic effect and to let her green friend contemplate her abuse of the Ozianese. "…FIYERO IS CHEATING ON ME!"
The Ozians collectively gasped…collectively.
Elphaba shifted her eyes. "Um…what makes you think that, Galinda?" she asked as innocently as she could. But she failed, because she wasn't that innocent at all.
Galinda's eyes widened as she widened them. "Weren't you just listening?!" she screeched, bursting out into a fresh set of tears.
"Oh Galinda, please don't cry. You'll ruin your makeup."
Galinda immediately stopped crying. "You're right, Elphie. Thank you." She plastered a fake smile on her face and tried to regain her posture. "I need to make myself presentful even if my boyfriend is cheating on me with-" She paused…again, this time to glare at her friend.
Elphaba got a deer-in-the-headlights look. But before she could say anything, Galinda screeched, permanently damaging the green girl's eardrums.
"THERE HE IS ELPHIE! AND LOOK, HE'S CARRYING A BOUQUETIE OF FLOWERS!" Galinda jumped up and down excitedly and exponentially. "He does love me! He does he does he does!" She lifted her arm to the swankified hunk sauntering towards them. "Yoo-hoo my darli-"
"Elphaba!" he said, cutting off his blonde girlfriend. He handed the mountain of pink and yellow flowers to the green girl. "Congratulations. I'm happy for you," he said shyly.
The green girl blushed and looked at the flowers. The rejected blonde linked her arm through Fiyero's. "Yes, we are all so happy."
There was that silence again.
Fiyero tried to break the ice. "So…uh…I didn't get you red flowers…you know, so you wouldn't, like, clash or whatever…" The authoress zapped him again.
"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?"
You idiot, that wasn't romantic at all! REDEAM YOURSELF.
"Uh…what's going on?" asked a very confused Elphaba.
"I'm sorry…I'm not used to talking to girls who hate me," said Fiyero.
"Oh, I don't hate you," said Elphaba. "That much…."
"YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" screamed the Fiyeraba fans.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried the Gelphie fans, and the one Glindyero fan. But he was shunned mercilessly for his stupidity and disillusionment.
Fiyero fumbled on what to say next, especially with his GIRLFRIEND standing right next to him. "Uhh…so I've been thinking-"
"Yes, I've heard."
"…about that day…with the Lion Cub…and so I…" He paused. "…think about that day a lot. It feels…like it was yesterday."
"It was yesterday," said an Ozian, but the sensitive people in the crowd that wanted to see the subtle romance taking place shushed him.
"Oh…" the green girl said. "Well…I think about that day too."
"AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
Galinda looked back and forth between her boyfriend and her best friend, trying to figure out what was going on. Instead of confronting them, she decided to go simpler.
"Oh, me too!"
Fiyero and Elphaba broke their glances and looked at the blonde with question marks in their eyes. The Fiyeraba fans threw imaginary daggers at her for interrupting the moment. But being the powerful petite that Galinda was, she could not be stopped.
"I think about him ALL the time!" Galinda declared. "It breaks my heart to see that this wonderful educator and trustworthy friend was treated like that. He deserves to be heard, and he deserves to be recognized as the wonderful Giraffe that he is!"
"He's a Goat," corrected Elphaba.
"Oh, right. Well this wonderful Goat teacher needs to know that we won't stand for this. I have solitarily decided that from now on, by the power invested in me, I will take a stand against this injustice!" Galinda threw her chin up and struck a strong edgy pose. After a moment of silence, she coughed and a red spotlight with some solid pink undertone landed on her, even though they were outside.
"Thank you. Now, to show my dedication to my cause and to display my…" she searched for the right word, "…outrage, I will pay my homage to Doctor Dillimundo-"
"Dillamond."
"-by changing my name!"
Silence…once again. Hey, who wants a cookie?
Fiyero coughed. "Your name?"
"Yes," said Galinda proudly. "Since Doctor Dillamond had his own unique way of pronouncing my name, I will no longer be known as Galinda but simply…Glinda! It's one less syllable for you to pronounce, Fiyero." She beamed proudly as she bowed, her head lowered.
"Wow…that's very admirable of you…Glinda," Fiyero said, rolling his scandalicious eyes. "Elphaba, good luck." He waved to the green girl as he scurried out of there.
"Is he gone?" asked the blonde, her head still low, after five seconds.
"Yes."
Glinda-not-Galinda jumped up, her face streaked with new tears. "You see that? You see?? He didn't even offer to wait for me, OR pick up my pink dry cleaning!"
"Well…maybe he doesn't like pink laundry," Elphaba said, trying to help.
But Glinda-not-Galinda wasn't listening. "I don't think its meant to be anymore! He's not even perfect, and I still want him! How twisted is that?"
Very.
"You're not helping!" she shouted at the sky.
"Galinda-"
"IT'S GLINDA NOW!" She collapsed into Elphaba's arms. "Oh the pain! The pain of not being loved back!" She mourned loudly. "Oh Elphie, how do you bear it?!"
Elphaba patted her friend's back awkwardly. "Well, first I….hey!"
Glinda honked her nose into a hanky for the bajlilionth time that day. "Can you just comfort me?"
"Um…" shifted the Ozians uncomfortably.
"NOT IN THAT WAY!"
"Riiiiight…" said the Gelphie fans.
Meh. What are YOU still doing here?
"We're entitled to our own opinions, too, you know."
Uh…no you're not.
"As a parody writer, you need to stay objective to appeal to a wider audience."
Grrr….fine.
Sappy music started to play-courtesy of Orchestrated Ozians, Inc-as the two friends hugged.
"Do we get to sing??" questioned the Ozians.
No. You get to tap dance.
"REALLY?!"
No.
"Oh."
"Come with me, Glin," said Elphaba.
"Where?"
"To Ugabu. Where do you think?"
One short day
In the Emerald City
Glinda's eyes glazed with giddiness (alliteration is for the astute). "The Emerald City?! Oh, Elphie, is it true? You're inviting me along?"
"They're holding auditions for Oz's Next Top Model after our meeting with the Wizard. You can audition," Elphaba said seriously. "You wanna be on top, don't you?"
"Of course!"
One short day
In the Eh-MER-ald Cityyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy….
"Glinda that is NOT what I meant!"
"Oh. Sorry."
One short day...In the Emerald City...
One short day
Full of so much to do
Ev'ry way
That you look in the city
There's something exquisite
You'll want to visit
Before the day's through
Da Da Da DaDaDaaaa…
There are buildings as tall as Quoxwood trees
Dress salons
And libraries
Palaces!
Museums!
A hundred stroooooooooooong
There are wonders like I've never seen
It's all graaaaaand!
And it's all green!
I think we've found the place where we belooong!
I wanna be
In this hoi pollooooooooi
What the FERRET?!
"Oooo I'm going to buy a Ferret! I'll name her…Francisco!"
"Uh…"
"You're right. Frances is so much better." Glinda walked over to the pet store and coughed daintily. "Excuse me, how much is that Ferret in the window?" she asked the pet owner person.
"Excuse us, but we're in the middle of a song here!" cried the overcurious orchestrated Ozians.
Ah, another amazingful adventitious attempt at alliteration.
"Glinda, you can buy your Ferret later."
The blonde huffed, annoyed. "Fine…but I'll be back for good someday!"
"To make my mind and make my way!"
But for today, we'll wander and enjooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooy
One short day
In the Emerald City
One short day
To have a lifetime of fuuuuuun
One short day
And we're warning the city
Now that we're in here
You'll know we've been here
B4 we are doooooooooooone!
In front of the Ozian theatre…
"Oh Elphie, isn't it just grand?!" Glinda gushed, taking in all the green around her. "All the ring-a-ding-dings and shabalabadingdongs, it's all so…Ozmopolitan!" She held up two green tickets. "Elphie-come on-we'll be late for Wizomaniaa!"
"Hold on, Glinda," said the green one. "I want to remember this moment. No one's staring at me, or laughing, or pointing, or throwing sharp inanimate objects-I finally feel like I belong." She looked at her friend. "Does that make sense?"
"No," Glinda said. "But it sounded sappy, so I'll just nod my head and agree with you."
"That's all I ask."
They ran inside to watch the musical inside a musical.
Suddenly, the lights dimmed and three freakishly looking green peanuts on crack ran onstage. The entire audience fainted.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE CREATURES!?" shouted Elphaba.
"I know!" said Glinda. "I didn't think there could be anything scarier than you, but WOOP there it is!"
"Thanks, Glinda, thanks."
"Anytime."
They then decided to jump onstage and join the peanuts on crack to entertain the knocked out audience.
Who's the mage
Whose major itinerary
Is making all Oz merrier?
Who's the sage
Who's sagely sailed in to save our posteriors?
You Ozians seriously need a thesaurus.
Whose enthuse for hot air ballooning
Has all of Oz HONEYMOOning?
Wooooooooooooooo - OOOOOOOOOOOO -oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo
Wizn't he wonderfuuuuuuuul?
No.
"Our wonderful wizard!"
Everyone looked at the forlorn Ozian who was trying to make it big in the music industry by sneaking in solos but was continuously continuing to fail miserably. MISERABLY.
He shifted his eyes around. "Uh…ta da?"
He then got smashed by a peanut on crack and was silenced forever. He was better off dead, so he wouldn't have to listen to the chaos that ensued from then on.
One short dayyyy
Who's the mage
In the Emerald Cityyyyyyyy
Whose major itinerary
One short dayyyyyyyy
Is making all Oz merrier
To have a lifetime
Whose the sage who
Of funnnnnn
Sagely sailed in to save
What a wayyyyyy
Our posteriors
To be seeing the cityyyy!
Oh Oz SO CONFUSING! You're going to make my head explode!
Where so many roam to
Dadada daa daaa….
We'll call it home, too
Dadada daa daaa….
And then, just like now
We can saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay:
"We're just two friends"
Two good friends
Two BEST friends
"Can you stop right there please?" asked Elphaba nervously.
Glinda just looked at her. "We're done already?"
Sharing one wonderful
Ooooooooooooooooooooooone shoooooooooooooooooooooooooort
The Wizard will see you now!
"Hey, you took my line!" cried the pissed off guard.
Deal with it.
"Okay."
Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Please review and tell me what you think! Love it? Hate it? Cheesecake? Anything!