Dear Father
By J. Ivy
Dear Dad,
These words are being written and spoken because my heart and soul feel broken. I laugh to keep from cryin, but I still haven't healed after all of my years of my goofiness and jokin. You got me open, open and hopin this ill feeling will pass, won't last. I wear a mask. That I keep on and ask for the truth. Truthfully, speakin the truth hurts. But, I mean, I'm beyond hurtin, I'm feelin pain. But, when I a shorty I thought you left me cause I wouldn't behave. Later on in life I found out that it was that as well as other things. And with all the pain and other things. After all of the scars it was hard but I learned to forgive and forgave. I forgave you despite the fights and tears after all these years lost wondering if I was loved. Sometimes all I needed was a call and a hug. I mean, I understand that people break up and don't make up and some relationships don't last forever. But, why weren't we together? Ma could've found a new man but why was I gone find a new Dad? Lookin back I was a beggin and pleadin my case cause I felt like I didn't matter, like I was deleted in race. I used to cry, and still cry, so much I get headaches. I try to control my mind but I can't control my face. I see you every time I see me and I can't do nothing but ask God to bless me because my love is amputated. My life is complicated. My family became dysfunctional. Dad, I remember when you pushed Mom and she broke her ankle. And I was sittin there thinking, "How could you do this to such a beautiful angel?" I remember Mom waking us up in the middle of the night sayin, "Sshhh, Jimmy put some clothes in the Jules bag, we goin to Grandma's and if your father come up to the school, don't tell him where we'll be." I remember spending Christmas playin with my stretch Armstrong thinking, "Man, this ain't my house. How did Santa Claus find me?" But the little boy in me still wants Daddy badly. I feel like a scared little boy afraid to become a man when I think I'm ready. I wonder if you notice your baby boy done showed the air of the millions to see on HBO and that hard ass New York crowd that didn't even know; actually David and Stanley know. I wonder if you know. I know you're proud. Cause I'mma be the best, just like you wanted to be. I want you to see. And just in case you can't, I'mma scream it so loud that I shake the clouds. And move 'em out the way of my sunshine. Cause that's what you are Dad. James Ivy Richards, can you hear me? YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE! That's why I forgave you. And my love for you is still the same. It may have gone through a transformation but it never really changed. So I swear, on my Momma and on my name, I'mma stop this rain, conquer this pain, make sure that you did not die in vain. And when I get to heaven, when I get to heaven, I'mma jump in your arms. We gone kick back like when I was little, and watch the Bears game.
I love you, Dad.