There's always a reason

(Last Christmas songfic)

I stared at my watch, watching it ticking, Christmas Eve. How magical, isn't that what I'm supposed to be thinking? I had given Beck's Christmas party a miss this year, I just couldn't face it. This meant I was sitting alone in the park as my parents weren't home and I didn't want to be in the big house all alone. But it was worth it as Tori told me he'd set it up like last year.

Bored, I turned on the radio on my phone and almost laughed at the irony of the song choice. Last Christmas.

Last year, at exactly this time, I was having the time of my life underneath the mistletoe. It was my absolute favourite holiday and I'd just been kissed by the boy I had liked ever since I remembered. Jade's feelings hadn't even been hurt; she had broken up with him.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

But the very next day, you gave it away.

It was two hours later that hurt the most. Jade and Beck, laughing, and kissing under the mistletoe. It was all a stupid mistake he had told me. I didn't mean anything; at least it didn't to him. What a great way to spend Christmas Day.

This year to save me some tears

I'll give it to someone special.

I slowly started to sing along, tears slowly falling down my cheek, not being able to save them. Where was I supposed to find someone special? If I had someone special I wouldn't be sitting here all alone.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

But the very next day, you gave it away

This year, to save me from tears

I'll give it to someone special.

It repeated slowly. I would give anything to never have to repeat last year again. But I had to, every time I saw him. Every time I saw Jade. Every time they kissed. Every time she screamed, "So you wanna break up with me?" I felt hope in my heart and then guilt way me down.

Once bitten and twice shy

I keep my distance but you still catch my eye

Tell me baby do you recognise me?

Well it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me

That's why I avoided them now. Didn't speak to them when I could help it. Changed my look to help me get a fresh new attitude. Dyed my hair bright red, befriended the new girl and Andre and even Robbie. I wasn't the same girl now as I was last year. Not by a long shot. In fact I was surprised to even be invited to Beck's this year.

I wrapped it up and sent it

With a note saying "I Love You" I meant it

Now I know what a fool I've been

But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again

How could I have belittled myself to beg for him back? Why was I angry at myself? Why was this my fault? Why did I say "I love you" to a man I knew didn't love me back? But I know if it happened again I would do the exact same thing for a chance at Beck. So I had to stop myself making an even bigger fool of myself.

The chorus came back on and I sang my heart out to it. Pouring my sorrows into the song, hoping that it would hold them for me. Knowing that I would always think of this song as the night I was sitting alone, shivering on Christmas Eve. I would probably never listen to it again.

A crowded room, friends with tired eyes
I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice
My God I thought you were someone to rely on
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on
A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man undercover but you tore me apart
Oooh Oooh
Now I've found a real love you'll never fool me again

How could I be his rebound girl? Was I going to spend the rest of my life hung over Beck? Why had I spent so much time hiding from him in the corner? Why did I keep asking myself rhetorical questions I would never be able to answer? I mean, I'm sitting alone in the dark on the 'happiest day of the year'. I'm obviously not a very together girl. And what did real love even mean? Someone who I could take and say to Beck, "I'm over you!" Or someone I could actually love, and make me honestly completely forget about Beck?

I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special

who'll give me something in return

I'll give it to someone

hold my heart and watch it burn

I sang those lines my voice quivering, as I heard footstep come towards me. Scared I got up and began to run.

But a voice stopped me in my tracks, "Cat!"

I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special

Robbie was running towards me. "Shit Cat! Why the hell are you out here at this time of night? I've been locking all over!"

I've got you here to stay

He cared enough to come looking for me. And it hit me.

I can love you for a day

I didn't need a man to help me get over Beck.

I thought you were someone special

Because my heart didn't belong to Beck anymore.

gave you my heart

I walked slowly towards Robbie.

I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone

Looked him in the eyes.

last christmas I gave you my heart

And it was like Beck had never existed.

you gave it away

And he had never broken my heart. It was completely whole. And now I was going to give it away.

I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone

"I've finally found someone special." I whispered in his ear.

And then I kissed the man I had been waiting for, as my watch beeped Christmas Day.

And it turns out I was wrong, I didn't remember this song as the night I was sitting all alone in the park. I remembered it forever as the day I kissed the love of my life. And I listen to it every day. Whether it's December or July.