See Chapter 1 for all the usual rigamorole.
"Hey Scully, got any Dramamine?"
Scully stopped in her tracks and turned to look at him.
"Huh?"
"Dramamine. Your pacing is giving me motion sickness."
"Well then... stop watching me."
"Scully, you know how much I like-"
"Shut it, Mulder."
He nodded and turned back to his magazine.
"And stop biting your nails, you just got a manicure," he said without looking up.
She sighed and sat down next to him.
"I'm just worried."
"I know."
"I can't even do anything."
"Scully, Harriett has been a social worker in this county for 23 years. If anyone can get Heidi into a good home, it's her. Just trust the lady."
"Mulder, have you even heard the stories about foster homes lately? Overcrowding, health hazards... and do you know how little research they do on these people? They get drug addicts and child abusers and all sorts of horrible people into the system. How can they be sure that they are placing her somewhere safe?"
"Scully, for every one of those dangerous homes, there's like 10 safe ones. She'll be fine. If it makes you feel better, we'll do a background check on the family first. Okay?"
She sighed and leaned back against the chair.
"Mulder, this sucks."
"I know."
"Why are you so calm?"
"Because you're not and we're supposed to balance each other out."
"And how did you know I got a manicure?"
He just smiled.
She kicked her feet back and forth under the chair for several minutes until he put a hand on her knee.
"Enough. That's not going to help anything."
"Can I go back to pacing? At least that will burn some calories."
He nodded.
"Agents?" Harriett asked, suddenly poking her head out of the office door.
"Yes?"
"I've found a home for Heidi."
She motioned for them to come into her office, and Scully followed quickly. By the time Mulder got there, his partner was already seated, her hands clenched in her lap.
"It's the best home I have, Agent Scully," Harriett was saying as Mulder sat down. "These people have been foster parents for 15 years. They have 2 boys of their own, they live on a farm and have all sorts of animals. I've had a lot of kids refuse to move to another home or even to be adopted. Elise and Dan know what they're doing. They've had kids in situations similar to Heidi's before and I think this would be the best fit for her."
Scully nodded.
"I know it may not be normal procedure, but would it be alright if Agent Scully and I visited the house before Heidi is sent there? I think it would help our peace of mind."
"Agent Mulder-"
"I'm not questioning your judgment. I think we just both need to see where she's going to live. It would make it easier to tell her about it."
Harriett nodded in understanding.
"Okay. I'll give you directions and let them know you're coming."
Mulder smiled in thanks and lead Scully from the office.
"You okay?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"You know why not."
"No, I don't think I do."
"I wanted her, Mulder."
"I thought you just wanted what was best for her."
"I wanted them to be the same thing."
He sighed and reached over for her hand.
"I think you'll feel better once you've met the family."
"I hope so."
He let go of her hand, not sure of what else to say.
7:30 p.m.
Scully crouched down in front of Heidi and tucked a wayward strand of hair behind the girls' ear. Heidi just looked at her, eyes filling with tears.
"Okay, kiddo. I'm going to go now."
"Do you have to?"
"Yeah. You're going to have so much fun here, Heidi. Elise told me that you could ride the horses, and play with the dogs. She said that she also has lots of markers and crayons and paints for you to use. And I saw a ton of books in the bedroom."
"But I'm scared."
"That's okay. Sometimes I get scared too. But you're safe here, Heidi. Okay?"
"Will you ever come to see me?"
"I would love that. Tell you what; I'm going to leave my address with Miss Harriett, and you can write me a letter anytime you want to, okay?"
"Really, I could?"
"Of course."
"Will you find the man that hurt my mommy?"
"I will do everything I can to find him."
Heidi nodded and smiled a little.
"She said I could really ride horses?"
"Yeah."
The small girl giggled and hugged Scully's neck.
"Thank you, Dana. I love you."
"I love you too. Go play."
She released Heidi and stood up. Heidi gave her one last smile before turning and heading for the swing set where a few other kids were playing. They immediately welcomed Heidi into their game and she was laughing within a few seconds.
"Ready to go?" Mulder asked, placing his hand on her shoulder.
"Yeah."
The ride back to the hotel was silent, save for a few sniffles. They came from both sides of the car.
11:52 p.m.
"I thought you were out," Mulder commented as Scully poked her head into his room.
"Nope. Can't sleep."
"Want me to read to you?"
"No," she answered, sitting down next to him. "I don't know."
"Wanna talk about it?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Mulder, we never talk about stuff like this."
"Maybe we need to. I mean, we never talked about Emily, and I don't think you ever really dealt with that. We never talked about Donnie Pfaster, and you still have nightmares. We never talked about your abduction or your sister or whatever happened on that bridge with Cassandra."
"What are you trying to do; get me to talk to you so you can charge me for therapy?"
"I do have a credit card to pay off."
"Mulder..."
"Look, you don't have to talk to me about it; I just think it would be easier since I already know the situations. At least talk to someone."
"Maybe I do."
"We're together like 18 hours a day, Scully. When would you have time to talk to anyone else?"
"Maybe I'm telepathic."
"I'm being serious."
"I know. I'm not going to spill my personal problems at the feet of someone I don't know, and who just gives me advice I could get out of a fortune cookie then have them bill the insurance. No thanks."
"Scully, you can talk to me. I won't bill your insurance. I won't hold anything against you. I won't think less of you. It won't change us."
"What if it does?"
"How?"
"What if I discover that I resent you?"
"Then I wouldn't be surprised."
"I would."
"Scully, come on. Let me help you. It's what partners are for. It's what friends are for too, so I'm doubly in violation if you don't speak up."
She sighed.
"What do you want me to say?"
"Tell my why you can't sleep."
"Because I keep thinking about Emily. Because I feel like Heidi should be my responsibility and I'm afraid she'll think that I'm abandoning her. Because I don't want you to think I can't handle this. Because I don't think I can handle it. Because I feel like I'm going to snap any second."
He scooted over to her and rubbed her neck softly.
"I'm tired, Mulder. Tired of being hurt and pretending that I'm not. I chose this life, and I continue to choose it every single day when I wake up and go to work. And I don't regret any of it, but I want the pain to be over. I want to know that nothing else is going to happen."
She turned to face him, questions etched into her brow.
"Do you ever feel like that, Mulder?"
"Yeah."
"What do you do?"
"I just look over at you."
"Mulder."
"I do, Scully. I draw most of my strength from you. I wouldn't be in this job without you. You know that."
"I know."
They were quiet.
"Mulder, there's something that I never told you."
"About what?"
"About Emily. Remember the case with the four girls?"
"When you saw her?"
"I saw her more than the one time I told you about. The fourth girl, when she died, she was Emily. She begged me to let her go, and I couldn't do it. She was pleading, Mulder, and I just couldn't bear to do it. It felt like she wanted me to forget about her, but I could never do that. And now I have to figure out how to love her and miss her and still accept the fact that she's gone. I don't know how to do that. I feel like if I'm not in pain about it then I'm betraying her."
"Scully, do you mourn for your father everyday? Do you cry and miss him every time you think about him?"
"No."
"Then why do you feel like you have to do that with Emily?"
"I don't know."
"Scully, how did you move on from the death of your father?"
"It was easy. There weren't questions. He's gone, but his death had nothing to do with the outcome of my future. He had done everything he needed to do in his life. Emily didn't get that chance. She never really had a childhood. Heidi won't have one either. And that's the most unfair part about it."
He wanted to tell her to cry, for she hadn't shed one tear yet.
"I saw Heidi and I felt like I could give her back her childhood. I could build forts under the kitchen table and splash in puddles with her. I could take her camping in the living room and bake cookies and tell stories and have tea parties and play dress up and read to her and sing to her and tell her why the sky is blue and the grass is green and where balloons go when they float away. I could warn her of all the hurts in life before she had to experience them. I could listen to her cry when friends left her and boys were horrible. I could tell her she was a princess. I could make her believe that she truly was. I could let her believe in love and happy endings and I could tell her that messes are okay, and sometimes you have to scream and you have to cry and sometimes you just need to be alone. Mulder, what if no one tells her those things?"
She fell onto his chest, the tears coming before she could reign them in. He wrapped his arms around her and rocked her slowly for a long time. He wasn't sure if she was talking about Heidi or Emily, but maybe she was talking about both of them.
"It's okay," he murmured into her hair. She continued to cry, her breath coming in short gasps as she tried to get control. "Just cry, Scully. Please, just let yourself cry. It's okay."
The encouragement brought on new tears, louder this time. She seemed to crumple into nothing as she held on to him. He pulled the comforter over her and kissed her forehead as he shed a few tears of his own.
"I'm here, Scully," he said, as her tears finally slowed. She lifted her head from his chest and took a deep breath.
"Thank you."
He nodded and kissed the remaining tears from her face.
"Go to sleep, Scully. We can talk more in the morning."
"Will you read to me?"
Smiling, he took the book off of the night stand and opened it to the place they had left off the night before.
"Of course."
She smiled at him and let the rhythm of his voice lull her to sleep.