Disclaimer: I actually do own Dylan. Not the Ducks though. That's all Disney.
– The New Standard of Masculine Perfection –
– I. Allegro non molto –
Wednesday, June 6th, 2007
I'm writing in a god damn diary.
It's not even real leather.
I hate Julie. And myself.
But Julie a little bit more.
Thursday, June 7th, 2007
10:43 AM
Woke up.
Bored.
Again.
Craving chocolate chip pancakes. Where's mini-Duck when you need her?
1:32 PM
Tried to do laundry.
Failed miserably.
Socks are now pink.
Furious.
2:08 PM
Tried to cook.
Set fire alarms off.
Tina yelled at me. Blah blah blah.
Still hungry.
3:17 PM
Turned everything in the fridge upside down.
Then went into Tina's bathroom and did it to her medicine cabinet.
Took three shoes from her closet on the way out.
All are from different pairs. Drives girls crazy.
Extremely satisfied.
5:54 PM
Wondering what everyone else is doing.
Bored.
11:29 PM
Watched High School Musical for the seventh time.
Vanessa Hudgens annoying.
Zac Efron pansy ass bitch.
Whole movie aggravating.
Why do I like it so much?
1:01 AM
Can't fall asleep.
What the hell is Maggot doing that she can't call once in awhile?
Pissed.
Friday, June 8th, 2007
12:06 AM
Look at yesterday's entry.
And repeat.
Disney Channel is oddly addicting.
Hannah Montana is hot.
Wonder how old she is…and if she likes blonds.
Curious.
Saturday, June 9th, 2007
1:24 PM
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm calling Riley.
1:34 PM
House party tonight. Starts at nine and features sex, drugs, and rock and roll.
And booze. Lots and lots of booze.
Haven't seen these people since I started rooming with the Ducks.
Apprehensive.
9:01 PM
Going stir-crazy.
I might as well go, right?
Right.
I'll be fashionably late.
Sunday, June 10th, 2007
10:58 AM
I'm in a bed.
I don't think this is my bed.
Actually…I don't really know where I am.
I think I need to go back to sleep.
Hung over.
11:02 AM
Forgot to mention it before…but there seems to be a girl in my bed.
And she's topless.
Intrigued.
1:28 PM
Her name's Jenna.
And she's very nice.
Happy.
7:46 PM
Came home for dinner.
Parents asked where I was.
Said I was bonding with Jake because I miss him so so much.
Mommy got all misty-eyed.
Awkward.
7:51 PM
Tina told me to cover up my hickeys.
Jenna apparently thinks she's a vampire.
10:03 PM
Meeting Riley & Co. again.
Those people aren't so bad.
Even Allie was nice to me last night.
But then again…she's probably just missing her cowboy.
Slut.
Monday, June 11th, 2007
3:41 PM
Got an email from Maddie.
She's good.
Tired but good.
She misses me.
Naturally.
11:11 PM
I wish for that lovely little brunette standing near the keg.
The one in the coral colored dress.
11:19 PM
Damn, you are fast.
Impressed.
p.s. Her name is Naomi.
11:47 PM
And she's got very nice tits.
Gratified.
Tuesday, June 12th, 2007
2:18 PM
Daddy booked me a plane ticket to Russia.
Then he told me I was wasting my life away.
I have no clue what he's talking about.
9:09 PM
Dean Buckley sent me and Carmen an email.
He wants to instate uniforms.
I think I'll let Carmen handle this. Uniforms aren't necessarily such a bad idea, you know.
After all, those slacks would make my ass look unbelievable.
Wednesday, June 13th, 2007
9:31 AM
Woke up to phone at ungodly hour.
It's Rivera.
She's mad.
Guess she's read the email about uniforms.
9:46 AM
Rivera's yelling woke Bethany.
She hung up on her.
Bethany hung up on Carmen.
I'm so dead.
9:52 AM
Bethany doesn't understand why I'm contemplating suicide.
She probably doesn't understand a lot of things.
Asked her to leave.
Rivera hasn't called me back.
Not that I care or anything.
10:43 PM
Doesn't Tricia Manning live in Vegas?
Guess she's visiting.
Wonder if she's still mad at me.
11:56 PM
She's not mad at me.
At all.
She's made that very clear.
Thursday, June 14th, 2007
1:14 PM
Oh fuck me.
I did it with Tricia Manning.
Twice.
I hate myself.
2:06 PM
My exit wasn't as graceful as I would have liked.
Grabbing my pants and sneaking out through the back door is hardly what I'd consider suave.
The tire screeching of my departure was kind of cool, though.
2:12 PM
I crashed.
Dylan's car go vroom vroom…and then boom! Right into tree.
I'm unhurt and alive.
That's all that matters, right?
4:28 PM
Apparently not.
Daddy's angry.
Really angry.
He said he's going to hurt me himself if I don't stop saying that I'm unhurt.
4:41 PM
Spit flies out of his mouth when he yells.
Mommy's going to have to wipe the table all over again.
Disgusted.
4:56 PM
I obviously share Mommy's genes in the anger department.
Daddy looks deranged and rabid.
How uncouth.
5:11 PM
Asked when my car is going to be fixed.
Daddy looked like he was about to have an aneurysm so I ran away.
7:01 PM
Wasn't allowed to have dinner with the family.
Tina brought me soup in my room.
I hate soup.
Poured it out the window.
8:13 PM
Soup hit Daddy's newly washed car.
The Mercedes-Benz now looks like an advertisement for Mercedes-Beans.
Self-preservation starting to kick in.
I'm sleeping over at Riley's tonight.
9:29 PM
Riley wanted to know why he had to come pick me up.
Told him Daddy wanted to kill me.
Not good enough for him. The nosy bastard.
Told him I might have totaled my car.
Asshole won't stop laughing.
10:57 PM
Somehow everyone knows about my accident.
I think I'm just going to find solace in alcohol.
11:32 PM
Girls want to know if I'm okay.
I am now.
Extremely self-satisfied.
Friday, June 15th, 2007
10:38 AM
Ventured back home.
Tina's laughing for some reason.
Suspicious.
11:43 AM
Daddy's smiling.
Says he has a present in the garage for me.
My car?
Giddy.
11:44 AM
I hate him.
This is an outrage.
I refuse to be party to this abject humiliation.
It's a shiny, hot pink bicycle.
12:07 PM
I'm sulking.
Don't interrupt me.
3:22 PM
Charlie called me.
He needs help baby-sitting.
Sounds like the house is being burned down.
Cautious.
4:01 PM
Rebecca Conway-Harding shares her brother's gene pool.
Loud, messy, and prone to tantrums.
Fulton's doing this stupid dance to shut her up.
I hate to tell the guy that it's not working.
Mainly because I'm videotaping.
This shit is so going on Youtube.
4:28 PM
I got her to shut up.
Charlie wants to know how.
Well, obviously, she's hot for my bod.
That, and she wanted her bottle.
But mainly the first one.
Self-congratulatory.
8:37 PM
Emily Parker's holding a thing tonight.
I can still go.
But do I want to?
8:43 PM
Christina walked in with Banksie Sr. in tow.
T-minus five seconds before clothes come off.
Emily Parker or sister doing the dirty?
Parker seems the lesser of two evils.
I'll need a ride.
10:24 PM
Some kids showed up at Parker's place.
They weren't invited.
Started macking it to Emily & Co.
The boys got mad.
There's going to be a fight.
10:32 PM
Riley's asking if I'm coming or not.
Forgotten how much this crew starts shit.
Riley slaps me in the face.
"You coming or you going to walk out that door?"
Again.
The unspoken word.
You going to walk out that door…again?
He wants to know if I'm going to ditch him and the old crew again…like I did for the Ducks.
I'm coming.
Saturday, June 16th, 2007
10:07 AM
The knuckles on my right hand are bruised and bloody.
And I have a cut on my left cheek.
10:13 AM
I have a black eye too.
The other guy looked worse.
Satisfied.
1:38 PM
Larson called.
Larson hasn't called since I was fourteen.
Guess last night's events have re-solidified my presence into that group.
Called me the man of the hour.
Well, duh.
I should be after I saved his skinny ass from being pummeled into oblivion.
That's where I got my black eye hence ruining my gorgeous face.
He invited me to another party tonight. At his place.
Pretentious cuntbag.
I hate Ridgewood kids.
2:12 PM
Riley called.
Don't like him.
He slapped me last night.
Like a bitch.
I'm not his bitch.
He told me to stop whining and come to Larson's tonight.
Come to think of it, Riley's the reason my knuckles are split.
My drunken self had pulled off the guy mauling him and proceeded to introduce my fist to his face. Repeatedly.
Riley is the indirect source of the mutilation of my person.
Really don't like him.
Riley called me a narcissistic prima donna.
And then hung up on me.
I hate him.
3:31 PM
Maggot called.
It's 11:31 at night over there.
She sounds the same.
Happy, bubbly, overeager, sugary goodness.
God, I miss her.
7:03 PM
Dinner was not fun.
Mommy wanted to know why I felt I should engage in a fight.
Daddy wanted to know if I had won.
Christina told me that the purple really brought out my eyes.
Dumped my mashed potatoes onto her hair.
Got sent away from the dinner table.
Hungry.
9:54 PM
Connie called.
I was busy.
Quite literally.
I'll call her tomorrow.
9:57 PM
She left me a voicemail.
She sounds a bit…irritated with me.
Well…what else is new?
Normal.
10:31 PM
Banksie's here.
Didn't know him and Larson were still friends.
But he's here, laughing it up with the kid…and not drinking.
Freak.
What's the point of coming to a booze party if you're not going to drink?
Guarded.
10:42 PM
He's watching me.
With the Angry-Banksie-Fishy eyes.
Unnerved.
Sunday, June 17rd, 2007
2:34 PM
Goldberg called.
Has an empty crib for the next few nights.
Party it up Jew-unit style.
His words, not mine.
8:46 PM
Kind of missed this.
Fulton's fun.
He can drink a lot.
9:12 PM
It's just boys.
No girls. Or Banksie.
Asked where Connie was.
Averman changed the subject.
10:39 PM
Five bottles of Johnny Walker have made an appearance.
This could potentially lead to disaster.
I live for danger.
Rebellious.
11:18 PM
Averman can sing.
He can really sing.
He's like Aretha Franklin…but not black.
Monday, June 18th, 2007
10:34 AM
Woke up on Banks' lawn. Odd.
Can't remember last night. Not surprised.
Charlie and Guy next to me. Creepy.
Realized I'm naked. Indignant.
Realized they're naked. Disgusted.
Sat up to see entire Banks family staring at us.
Yikes.
11:00 AM
I'm wearing Banks' clothes.
Just when I thought I could sink no further.
But it brings me to a good point.
Where are my clothes?
11:11 AM
Banksie ain't happy.
We're in for it.
11:35 AM
He let me go.
He's yelling at Guy and Charlie but he let me go.
I don't get it.
It's not like him.
He's usually all for letting me have it.
Suspicious.
2:01 PM
Connie called again.
And mixed up in the sugary-sweetness that is her voice, is the clear undertone of pure, unadulterated anger.
She's been working as a waitress in a coffeehouse downtown.
She wants me to come over tomorrow.
Now I know why Adam let me off the hook.
I'm fucked.
Tuesday, June 19th, 2007
10:01 AM
Woke up.
Took extreme care in personal appearance so Connie won't have anything to complain about.
Not that anyone ever does.
But Connie's never really normal, you know?
10:33 AM
Just realized I don't have a ride.
I might live to see another day.
10:42 AM
Christina said she'll take me.
I'm going to die and no one cares.
11:19 AM
Maybe her car won't start.
11:24 AM
It starts.
11:36 AM
The coffeehouse is very…quaint.
Flowers everywhere, bright colors, tiled tables.
Connie would work here.
Damn hippie.
11:37 AM
Yes, she's angry.
Has pointed me to a table with a glare and a snarl.
She's nice to the other customers.
Guess that doesn't apply to me at the moment.
11:43 AM
There's four other people that work here.
The old married couple seems to own the place. And their mission is to fawn all over Mini-Duck.
The other waitress has curly brown hair and the hots for me. She keeps on looking over. Smug.
The waiter has the hots for Connie and is in desperate need of conditioner. I shall call him Stinkypoo and he shall be mine to taunt and ridicule for all eternity.
I don't like him.
11:49 AM
Guess I'm just supposed to sit here.
Connie hasn't spoken to me.
Or given me a menu.
Maybe she's planning on starving me into submission.
Kinky.
12:01 PM
Getting kinda hungry.
Maybe I'll ask Curly over there to bring me a sandwich.
12:07 PM
The order has been intercepted by Mini-Duck.
How do I know?
She's just slapped a bowl of soup on my table. Splashed it everywhere.
I told her I don't like soup.
Somehow she's mastered the Angry-Banksie-Fishy eyes. So not a turn-on.
I ate the soup.
12:14 PM
Caught Stinkypoo looking at Connie's booty when she bent over.
Told her so.
She smacked me and shoved a muffin into my mouth.
Confused.
12:15 PM
Bet Stinkypoo would love to see Connie's muffins.
I said that out loud. Have been smacked again.
Choked on muffin.
Abused.
1:27 PM
So bored.
Just realized that I don't have a ride home.
Will have to sit here until Connie's shift ends.
I don't know when Connie's shift ends.
Boo, that whore.
1:43 PM
Stinkypoo is ugly.
That is all.
1:57 PM
Wonder how his life would have been different if he had been born good looking.
Curly gave me her number. She just graduated from Blake and is off to UCLA in the fall.
2:02 PM
Have gotten Curly's number confiscated.
Connie's evil.
Stinkypoo's evil germs have probably entered her system by way of osmosis.
He probably gets a secret grope in or two in the storage room.
He's old. Gonna be a junior at UMTC.
Pervert apparently has a thing for jailbait.
2:13 PM
Stinkypoo and Connie sitting in a tree…what are they doing, no one can see!
3:00 PM
HER SHIFT IS OVER! LET THE WORLD REJOICE!
Or judging from her expression…not.
3:04 PM
She's not happy with my behavior.
How do I know?
"Howard, your behavior has been absolutely atrocious and I will not stand for it!"
3:38 PM
Amazing how someone so small can make you feel like the scum of the earth?
Then again, I knew I was scum before she told me.
But still…
3:46 PM
She's dabbing at her eyes with a napkin all the while preaching to me about responsible living. She's saying that she worries about me because of my recklessness and it's tearing her apart.
The tears are a very nice effect.
3:48 PM
Said I was sorry and that I won't do it again and to please stop crying.
Properly abashed.
3:49 PM
She immediately stopped crying.
Oh, she's good. She's really good.
3:50 PM
She's way too conniving to have gone out with Charlie.
"Oh, wonderful! Because I told Mr. Santorelli that you'd be helping us out for the next couple days! Now let me get you home so you can be up bright and early tomorrow!"
I hate her. With a passion.
I hope her and Stinkypoo make horrid children together.
7:10 PM
She told my parents about it.
They were only too happy to agree.
Everyone's out to get me.
Wednesday, June 20th, 2007
6:31 AM
I'm awake.
Connie's outside.
Kill me.
10:07 AM
I'm a Howard.
Howards don't do menial labor.
1:47 PM
Too tired to move.
Connie asked what's wrong.
Stinkypoo is making my eyes hurt.
Yech.
3:00 PM
Finally over.
Over.
Salvation.
3:47 PM
Connie took me to her house and is making me chocolate chip pancakes.
I like her again.
9:32 PM
Riley called.
Told him I'm going to bed.
I have to be up at 6:30 tomorrow, damn right, I'm going to bed.
Exhausted.
Thursday, June 21st, 2007
9:27 PM
I know how to clean tables, balance trays, make espressos and write the daily special on a chalkboard.
Also, if you cripwalk while clearing dishes, it gets you a better tip.
Friday, June 22nd, 2007
10:18 AM
Been here two days and everyone loves me.
Naturally.
After all…it is me.
1:34 PM
Interesting development.
Stinkypoo cornered me in the stock room.
Wanted to know what my relationship to Connie was.
Told him I was her plaything because – as she is a lesbian, of course – she occasionally needs masculine stimulation which she can only achieve through acts of bondage and domination. And lucky for her, I'm into that sort of thing.
Giggles.
6:02 PM
Connie's making dinner for me and Averman.
She's an awfully good cook.
6:47 PM
Averman asked where her dad is.
He's away on business a lot apparently.
7:13 PM
Connie put on Finding Nemo for me while she and Averman talked.
I'm not a baby.
I'm just watching it because I like the movie.
7:49 PM
Passed by a picture of Connie's mom on the way to the bathroom.
Looks just like her.
I didn't say anything.
Saturday, June 23rd, 2007
6:41 AM
I leave for Russia in two days!
10:45 AM
Stinkypoo is totally avoiding me and Connie.
Giggles squared infinity.
1:47 PM
Riley came for brunch.
Connie doesn't like Riley.
Riley doesn't like Connie.
Hyperventilating.
1:52 PM
They've started.
Man, they are vicious.
1:56 PM
Connie punched him.
Straight in the jaw.
Girl can punch.
Impressed.
3:00 PM
Connie quit.
I had to quit too.
She's my ride.
Sunday, June 24th, 2007
3:01 PM
Sitting on my couch, seeing all these random people packing my stuff.
This is the life.
Mommy, Goldberg and Connie are fretting over how much food Maddie will need.
Daddy and Charlie are trying to zip a suitcase closed.
Guy and Tina are packing up my soccer shit to send to Sydney.
Fulton's trying to get everyone to sign a card.
Rotten Willy looks like he's going to keel over with envy.
Banks is sealing an enormous gift bag that I'm supposed to take to Maddie and only Maddie.
I'm starting to wonder about him. And more specifically, him and her…together.
Quite an unsettling concept.
Going to keep an eye on him.
Monday, June 25th, 2007
9:30 AM
On the plane.
Just realized I'm leaving Minneapolis for the summer.
Remind me to call Mommy when I land.
11:18 AM
My stewardess is unbelievably attractive.
2:49 PM
I have no idea what time it is and am incredibly cramped.
Tuesday, June 26th, 2007
Who knows? It's daylight.
We're landing in an hour.
And then Maggot will be mine and all mine for the next three days.
9:46 AM
I see her.
She looks…skinny. Way too skinny.
But happy. So, so, so happy.
This is my best friend.
My beautiful, beautiful, beautiful best friend who loves me completely and unconditionally because I am the only man in her life and – wait…
WHO IS THAT BOY TOUCHING HER?
10:02 AM
He's Dimitri from Moscow. He's tall, blond, good looking and a perfect gentleman.
I absolutely abhor him.
Hey, guys! It's been a while! Sorry, I've been swamped with work. Anyway, I hope you like this format. It's different and might be a little confusing so please let me know!
Have a great…uh, month, guys? Haha, peace outtttt.
Jessiquie: Hey, haha! Thanks for the review, I was like agonizing over the summary but I'm glad it was good!
Truth-behind-your-lies: Aww thanks! I'm so happy someone loves Dylan too. Thanks for reviewing!
Torithy: Lol, I just re-read the summary and wondered what I was smoking when I put that up. But I'm glad you liked it! Thanks for the review!
Joanna: Thanks, darling! You always have such nice things to say about me.
Elmiragirl02: Thank YOU for taking the time to read my stories. I'm so happy that you enjoy them!
Cat: Love. The. Fact. That. You. Love. Them.
Honey: Haha, I'm touched! And Dylan would probably be all over you!
LoudandQuiet: Ack, kind of made you wait for the next installment, didn't I? Sorry! Thanks for the review, it keeps me going!
Flyinghawk: Did you know I actually started tearing up when I read your comments? Thank you so much for your review and I'm so honored by your praise.
Crikee15: Hey, yeah. Maddie's name has been changed, partly due to potential plot devices for the next series. But kudos to you for picking that up! Feel free to message me anytime!