Author Notes: Chapter 18 is one of my favourite chapters of Crimson Door. Well, that's probably like saying a lot of people like to drink coffee :D

Needless to say, writing an AU scene for such a perfectly perfect chapter is impossible. Hence, I've done a 'missing dialog' scene for Chapter 19 instead that basically recaps what happened in Chapters 16, 17 & 18, instead of a pure 'What If'. It contains mostly Zero's thoughts and a little of Kaname's too at the end.

I don't even consider it really original since it's a recap but I'm just obsessed about Chapter 18 :D Anyway, I hope you like it. I definitely enjoyed writing it and having a valid chance to read these chapters again for the umpteenth time.

Oh, and that's why I had to change the rating to 'M' even though nothing new happens :D

-- Excerpt from Chapter 19:

"Kaname..." Zero said quietly and Kaname froze, shoulders tensing slightly. Zero sighed. "That wasn't what I meant. Look, it never crossed my mind that you'd, um, you know." The last few words came out very quick and somewhat run together. Kaname may have used him, but he hadn't forced him. "So just... forget about it." Zero studiously studied the clothes in his arms.

He would never understand himself. A few minutes ago he'd been angry enough to gut the pureblood, but now... He slowly looked back up. Kaname was still standing uncertainly a few feet away. The pureblood was usually all power, grace and self assurance. Yet Zero couldn't help but sense that he had invisible scars running underneath the surface of that cool façade. Scars that ran deep enough to cripple lesser men. It was a feeling Zero understood all too well.

It was funny... Kaname could elicit quite a range of emotions from him, it seemed. Normally, it was near homicidal irritation. When Kaname was all over him, demanding and intense like he had been a minute ago, it made Zero crazy, made him burn for the pureblood like nothing else in the world. But it was rare moments like in the woods, or now, when Kaname got out of his comfort zone and seemed unsure, almost vulnerable... it was these moments made Zero feel drawn towards the other vampire, it was these moments that made a strange, deep ache tug inexplicably in his chest.

-- Start --

Kaname hesitated. Then he took a step towards Zero, making the ex-human freeze again. Watching him closely, Kaname took another step, then another, and another, until he was standing directly in front of the ex-human.

Zero couldn't move. The pureblood's gaze froze him to the spot, as did the heartbreakingly uncertain look in his eyes. They told Zero Kaname still wasn't sure if he'd actually meant what he said, or was just saying it to make him feel better. They said that what they'd done in the warehouse was just as new to Kaname as it had been for Zero.

"It – happened so fast… but I think – I'm quite sure actually, that I – I wasn't exactly… gentle" murmured Kaname, still looking rather lost. It was such a stark difference from the demanding, compelling person he'd been the night before, and Zero was speechless. But he flushed bright pink yet again - Kaname's words instantly made him recall and with acute and painstaking clarity, that fevered, intense, passionate time back in the warehouse. In particular, it made him remember those heart stopping moments in time, when the pureblood had first claimed him.

The whole episode in that warehouse had been completely unexpected for Zero. He'd gone along with Kaname to Ichijo Enterprise as he'd initially assumed, to be useful for his knowledge of hunter weapons. He definitely had no inkling that Kaname had wanted him to be there for another reason altogether – that after intentionally killing his first blood bond, Asato Ichijo, the pureblood would need to be… close… to his remaining blood bond in order to survive.

When the two young vampires managed to make it the warehouse to avoid the police who'd arrived at the building, Kaname had been rather distracted but Zero still had no idea of why that was, and what would happen. Even after he'd finally understood the hurriedly whispered explanations by a surprisingly desperate and shaken pureblood, he'd thought only to help out with what he could, just to ensure Kaname did not break down in the warehouse itself and hamper their escape.

So Zero had touched the pureblood's neck with his lips and tongue, all the while pretending that he didn't want the pureblood to bite him. Just like he was pretending he wasn't in the least bit tempted to bite that smooth pale neck again. Even if he really, really wanted to.

And Zero found himself doing just that… quite by accident actually. But it was utter bliss, sinking his fangs into that incredibly tempting neck and tasting again that incredible, powerful blood. Then Kaname had bitten him in turn and the second blood exchange had taken place. It made their desire for each other skyrocket, and it turned Kaname's simple need to survive a broken bond into intense, sexual lust for both of them.

It was true the pureblood had taken the initiative in almost every action after that - touching and caressing Zero, stripping him of his clothes… even initiating their first kiss. But Zero hadn't stopped him either. And he didn't even think of stopping Kaname when the pureblood's hand had undid his trousers and slipped inside to clasp him in his hand. Perhaps his brain was working too slowly. But the fact of the matter was, he hadn't stopped Kaname at all. Period.

That first time..

Kaname had prepared him for his possession, moving with instinctive knowledge and unexpected skill, until Zero had found himself rocking helplessly against the pureblood, driven crazy by those clever, probing fingers in his most intimate parts. But the initial penetration had still hurt like hell. During that time, Zero still hadn't quite fully and consciously realised what was actually happening. Oh, a part of his brain did know it, but mostly, he was just too consumed with feelings of arousal, pain and fear all trying to impress themselves on his senses at the same time.

There had been a dreadful, fearful moment for Zero when he felt Kaname had just lost himself in the moment. The pureblood was pushing into him, hard, relentless, and it felt to Zero like Kaname was just going to thrust into him completely, hurt him and perhaps even tear him painfully. It wasn't that he want Kaname, but the whole thing was unknown territory; he'd never done it before – he didn't know if Kaname had. Hell, Zero had never even thought of doing it with a guy, any guy; he wasn't gay! And for that guy to be Kaname… well, if he had thought about it (and he hadn't), then hell freezing over would've been a much likelier occurrence.

Only… it hadn't quite ended that way. Zero's frantic words, the way he was squirming on the edge of the stack of carpet runners, the desperate way his hands were gripping the pureblood's shoulders had finally gotten through to Kaname. And the pureblood had stopped immediately.

It was Zero's turn to be lost now, as he looked up into that face of perfection, glistening with perspiration and alight with passion, heat and lust. It was a peek into who Kaname Kuran was. It was a glimpse into seeing another facet of the complex character that made up the utterly compelling pureblood. And those burning, passionate eyes had held a hint of gentle tenderness Zero couldn't quite believe. But it had been there.

Zero read the silent entreaty Trust Me in those dark eyes as clearly as he heard the whispered words "Look at me". Both silent and spoken words combined to melt whatever resistance the ex-human had, whatever arguments he could've thought of, if he still had enough of his mind left coherent enough to think. They made him believe in Kaname, and in what they were doing.

So Zero had relaxed. And with the relaxation of his muscles, the sharp pain decreased. He put his trust in the silent promise he saw in the pureblood's eyes. He couldn't say the words Kaname could, he couldn't even imagine trying to at that time. But he definitely wanted it as much as Kaname did, and he couldn't deny that. So Zero had shown Kaname how he felt, pulling him close with his hands and his hips. He didn't want to think right at that moment. He just wanted to feel. He wanted to feel the pureblood possessing him, taking him deep, assuaging and quenching the burning ache in him.

And Kaname did possess Zero. But slowly. So slowly. So gently. Reassuring him the whole time with his steady gaze. Stroking his hard length the whole time with his skilled fingers. And slowly, as their ragged and shaking breaths mingled in the air between them, two bodies joined deeply and innocence turned to knowledge. For both of them.

It must have been torture for Kaname, forcing himself to hold back like that, in the desperate state he was in, over his severed blood bond with Ichijo. Zero knew it even at that time and he'd mutely conveyed his appreciation to the pureblood, holding him close and kissing him softly. At that time, he hadn't felt used at all. He'd felt wanted… needed… even desired… And after that, Kaname hadn't been gentle, but Zero hadn't wanted him to. The pain was still there, but it was now masked by the mind rending bliss of Kaname moving urgently against him and within him, making him burn with passion.

Even later, after Kaname had moved them to the top of the clustered boxes to avoid discovery, Zero hadn't actually wanted him to stop. He'd been fearful that they would be heard and captured… but the aroused pureblood was irresistible. Zero couldn't pull away, he didn't want to… and he damn well wasn't going to let Kaname have all the fun, and at his expense too.

So he'd turned around and bitten the pureblood again, harshly, knowing it would only torment and excite him further. And belatedly realising from the way Kaname's body had tensed up and jerked, how risky that had been – it had almost made Kaname give away their position. The pureblood hadn't been gentle either, holding Zero's hands captive behind his back and thrusting up hard into him while tugging him downwards at the same time, just as hard. His actions seated himself deeply within Zero with each thrust. Satisfyingly deep. And his actions definitely couldn't be classified as gentle in any sense.

Actually, neither of them had been gentle... And their frantic actions built and built, finally resulting in the most incredibly satisfying release Zero had ever experienced. The half muffled sounds of Kaname's passionate sobs against his neck and the feel of the pureblood shuddering against him and deep within him was heady… unexpectedly powerful… it caught Zero completely unawares and tumbled him headlong into his own shattering release, held safe within the circle of Kaname's strong arms…

Zero had also seen the concern in Kaname's eyes after that as the pureblood pulled him back from the edge of the boxes, to rest against his chest. It made ex-human feel the strangest sense of comfort being held by the pureblood like that. Of feeling that against all odds, Kaname actually, possibly… cared.

So… no, it hadn't been rape. Not by a long shot. And Zero didn't want Kaname to think he'd forced him. It wasn't right in his book, and it wasn't fair to either of them.

Zero swallowed hard. "Kaname… you - you didn't force me… at all" he finally whispered.

Kaname's breath caught in his throat as he looked into Zero's silver eyes, soft and vulnerable under the weight of his confession. Kaname was the one who'd taken Zero's innocence and despite his attempts to take things slow, he'd hurt the ex-human. He knew he had.

But hearing those soft words made a strange ache started in Kaname's chest now. Zero didn't have to admit that. He could've masked the emotions warring in his eyes as he thought back to that time of unexpected and passion. Zero could've denied he'd ever wanted the whole damned thing. But he hadn't. The ex-human was as honest as he'd always been…

It was strange - Zero's forthrightness often grated on Kaname's nerves. The ex-human had never been one to mince his words and he was as blunt and often downright rude with the pureblood as he was with anyone else. Perhaps even more, because Kaname was a pureblood. And he couldn't understand it at first. But for once, Zero's honesty was refreshing. Comforting. And inexplicably endearing.

Because it was exactly what Kaname needed to hear. To know that no matter what Zero thought of him now, the pureblood hadn't actually done anything to be truly ashamed of. He hadn't taken the ex-human against his will, he hadn't forced him.

To tell the truth, it had been an incredibly awesome experience for Kaname too. And he wondered if there was ever going to be an opportunity to let Zero know it had been his first time as well… with anybody actually...

Relief shadowed very briefly through Kaname's eyes before they sealed up tight and unreadable again. But Zero had seen it. He was beginning to see a lot about the pureblood that he had never noticed before.

Zero was tired... tired of fighting, weary of the battle he felt like he was constantly engaged in with the rest of the world. The truth was, no matter how he tried to deny it, how intensely his mind and sensibilities revolted, he had never felt more alive than he did since he and Kaname had consummated this bond of theirs. He hadn't remotely come to terms with that yet, but... sometimes it was simply easier not to try.

Zero stepped away from the bathroom door again. "Come on, shower and change. You smell like death and we need to get some sleep," he said quietly as he headed across the room to the far bed.

-- End --