When I grow up…
Disclaimer: I do not own, nor ever will, Fullmetal Alchemist or the characters within.
Cry
"I didn't ask you to save me!" Alfons shouted at Edward. "You didn't have to do that!"
"So I should have just left you there?" Edward snapped back.
"Yes!"
"I wasn't going to leave you to die in that place, you fucking idiot! No-one deserves that! You were my friend, Alfons! We were in it together!"
"I was dying anyway, Ed!" Blue eyes glared. "You knew that! Why did you ruin everything by dragging me here?"
"You didn't get to be a martyr? Is that what this is about?"
"Your brother died because of me!" Alfons stopped, a cold wave washing through him. He'd never come right out and said those words before. He'd thought them often enough. Every night the guilt followed him through nightmares and dreams that usually left him exhausted every morning.
"He is not dead. He's on the other side of the Gate." Ed's reply left no room for doubt. Alfons could hear the complete conviction in the words but he couldn't believe it. It was denial, he was sure of it. It had to be. He knew exactly how much Edward had missed his brother when they'd been separated. He knew Edward would never want to believe his brother was dead.
"You don't know that for sure. You said it had been a life for a life. Except I didn't have a life left!" Alfons found it hard to breathe. His chest seemed tight. He didn't understand how it had suddenly escalated to this and he couldn't stop the words pouring out of him even as he felt himself shrivelling inside. "You dragged me through with you. You didn't have to do that! I wasn't worth it. I wasn't worth any of it! If I wasn't here, then he'd…"
"No! Stop it Alfons!" Edward's hands were gripping at Alfons' shoulders and he was almost shaking the thin blond. "Listen to me! It's got nothing to do with you! Al is fine! He's over there like I was."
"You don't know that! He's gone and it's all because of me!" Alfons felt his ribs ease suddenly but froze as soon as he saw the furious look in the golden eyes.
"I see what it is now. It's guilt that's making you say these things. It was my decision, my choice so it's my fault not yours." Ed's voice was low and bitter. "Don't presume so much, Alfons."
Alfons stared at his friend for a moment, his inner turmoil suddenly pushed aside by a moment of absolute clarity.
"Me? You're the one doing that. You're the only one who wants to be a martyr here. Taking all the blame and denying anyone else the right to feel the same." Alfons shook his head, feeling his eyes begin to sting. "Do you know that just adds to my guilt? I don't want to blame you but you make it very hard not to. We are both at fault and you won't acknowledge that. You won't share anything."
"I have no idea what you're talking about," and Alfons heard the denial loud and clear this time. "It was my decision and you have no right to claim otherwise."
"You want something to feel guilty over?" Alfons felt uncharacteristically irritated by Edward's stubbornness and by the sharp prickling in his eyes. "You brought me here and for what? There's nothing for me here. You gave up your brother and got nothing in return. Take the blame for that."
Alfons had never seen Edward's eyes blaze as they did now and he didn't see the fist that connected with his jaw. He didn't even realise he'd been hit until he found himself sitting on the floor, a hand pressed over his mouth, tears beginning to slip from his eyes and something like a sob caught in his throat. He could see Edward's legs to the knees and he wasn't going to look up further. He didn't want to see the expression on that face.
There was a long moment of silence and then Edward turned left the room. Alfons lowered his head into his hands and the sob broke free before he could stop it. He muffled the next ones against his hands. He was not prepared when the door creaked open and he turned away to hide as much as he could.
"'fons?" The small, worried voice had him shaking his head as he clamped his mouth tight against the fullness of his throat. "Are you crying too?"
He couldn't speak and he didn't quite understand her question. Who else was crying? Thin arms went around him and he felt her kneeling beside him. Her face pressed against his arm.
"When I grow up, I don't want to cry."
Alfons couldn't tell her that you should never get too old to cry.
Author's Note: I am at work and should not be doing this right now...lol... but at home I keep getting sidetracked by the research I'm doing for vonH... research is a bad thing, I keep getting sucked into other pages and more ideas and all these bunnies are appearing for the cat and dragon from it as well...
Hopefully this chapter is a relief after all of the earlier sugar...lol
silken :)