I felt this before
Now I feel it again
No matter how hard I try
This feeling won't end
He listened to the words of the song as he drove slowly through the darkness to his next location. Las Vegas, Nevada. He wasn't exactly thrilled to be heading down a deserted highway. By himself, nonetheless, but this is how he had been traveling and living for that past few months ever since he received the divorce papers. Alone and deserted. He had been listening to the song religiously ever since the nasty break-up which ripped through all the WWE fan sites, forcing them to make it more public than it needed to be.
Of course, it hadn't seemed to bother her in the least. She continued working closely with the asshole that he blamed for the split. He had been on injury leave since right before he had returned to the ring. He was beginning to think instead of being a wrestler, Adam's job was sleeping with the taken and married females within the company. First, it was Amy and Matt and now him and Stephanie.
He exhausted a heavy sigh, as he recalled a fonder memory of he and Steph. Actually, many would assume it was the beginning of their long relationship. The night his character was to drug her and drive her to a drive-in in Vegas where they conveniently did marriages. Hence, the beginning of the McMahon-Helmsley era. In reality, it was the beginning of the off-screen duo of Stephanie and Paul, he was just scared and confused at the time to admit it. She wasn't though. She bypassed all the talent and took it straight to the head honcho, her father, Vincent K. McMahon.
Of course, Vince would have liked to have blown a gasket, but realizing this was more than business, he soon gave his blessing of the possibly of a relationship between the two, only to rip his approval from underneath the pair, forcing them to call it quits. They did as they were asked, not liking the outcome one bit. Vince must have realized the mistake, because weeks later, he granted the permission for his little princess and allowed her to continuing seeing Paul.
He looked over at the passenger seat and smiled slightly. He ran his hand up and down the cool leather seat, wanting so bad for it the be her arm, her leg, just any familiar body part of his soon to be ex-wife. Knowing that wasn't the case, he quickly returned his hand on the wheel and continued on his journey.
He knew he had to get over this nagging feeling. He wanted to shake it so hard, but every time he thought he was alright, he would turn a corner and there she was. Smiling her perfect smile, dressed to perfection and showing her affection to another man. Namely, Adam Copeland. She was nursing him back to health, the same way she had helped him since the beginning of the year with his quad injury.
This was getting to be too much for him and the sooner he faced the facts, the sooner he could return to his normal life. As much as the thought scared him, it was the reality of the situation. He had to remember how to be the bachelor, Paul Levesque.
So I pretend you're here by my side
Tonight on this lonely ride
I keep telling myself that
He knew once he truly was able to forget about his former wife, the better. He had drowned his sorrow many nights with alcohol from whatever hotel he was at. He had talked to Shawn, his best buddy, and while his advice was normally right on target, this time, he was left feeling the same way he entered. Shawn had tried and continued on trying to help him live again from city to city. He even tried setting him up on a couple dates. Paul threw it aside as being too soon for him to move on.
God love the man, he was trying. But, I need her!
He sighed again, noting the highway sigh that he has just passed. 25 miles until his head would be on a pillow and he could try getting some sleep. That was an easier job being said. He had tried the sleeping game for months now, but he only seemed to think of Stephanie. The way her hair smelled, the way her lips felt on his own, the way she whispered his name or said the three words that melted his heart every time.
He didn't know where she was tonight and that's what hurt him more than anything. That's when all the feelings came flooding back into his already boggled mind. She was supposed to be here with him, planning the rest of their future together, not off with Adam, doing God knows what in a random hotel room. He hated not being with her. He loathed the fact that she wanted to be with Adam more than him. But, the thing that killed him time after time, was the last words she had spoken to him that night almost 3 months ago. The words he never dreamed she would even say to him. The words that still cut him deep inside, like a sharp knife and shook him to the very core.
"I don't love you anymore, Paul. I never really did love you."
Life goes on while you're miles away
And I need you
Time goes on as night steals the day
There's nothing I can do
Flashback
He returned to his locker room after the match, dripping with sweat and blinded from the crimson mask adorning his face. He had been hit by a chair and before he knew it, was busted wide open, displaying the red substance as he bleed even more for the form of art he loved the most.
As soon as he had opened the door, Stephanie was there, waiting anxiously as she bit her nails. She jumped up as soon as he appeared and gasped at the site of the bloody and broken man before her.
"Paul, you have to go get that checked. It's awful!"
"I'm fine. I just wanted to see you." he said, his breath becoming more ragged.
"Lie down. I'll bring the medics back to clean and stitch you up." She had turned to leave, but snapping her head back around she noticed he hadn't listened to her and was now leaning against the wall.
"Paul, I mean it. Lay down. I'll be right back."
He glanced at her, as the dizziness overwhelmed his senses. He decided to listen to her and made his way slowly over to the couch as she left and returned moments later with the in house doctor.
The doctor went straight to work, as Stephanie clinched his large hand in her own. She continued to bite her nails, even after the doctor had done his work. He had handed her a cream to keep on the wound and instructed her to have them taken out in 2 weeks. Nodding her head as he left, she turned to face Paul, who had his eyes closed.
"You know, that's my worst fear." she spoke softly, hugging him close, not caring about the amount of blood in his hair or his sweat drenched body. He pulled her closer, as his hand draped lazily across her back. The tears slipped aimlessly down her cheek, as they fell on his chest. He pulled her away for a moment to wipe them away, only to bring her closer to him again.
"What is, darling?" he asked, breathlessly.
"You being hurt in the ring and me not being able to fix it. It's something out of my hands and I have to succumb to someone else fixing it. I'm not used to that."
"Baby, I'm fine. It's alright."
"I know, Paul. Or at least, I know that now. It's just weird me not being able to control something like this."
"Steph, you know this is how this business is. You've grown up around it. You should be used to it."
"I know. I've seen Dad and Shane and so many other guys in this same position, but it's different knowing it's you."
He released his grip and looked into her crisp, blue eyes, smiling. She scanned his face for a reason for the smile, but ended up being more confused.
"Stephanie, as long as you here with me and promise to love me and no one else for our lifetime, I'm fine. I'm healed. I'll continue living. If I don't have you, I'm nothing, baby. I love you."
It was her that smiled this time, as she brought her lips to his and kissed him gently. He embraced her again, holding her close to him to savor the moment in his memory. He wanted to capture this memory and hold on to it forever. He loved feeling her in his arms, smelling her scent and loving her more than anything.
"I promise." she whispered in his ear.
End Flashback
You heal up my wounds
I tasted your tears
You spilled out your heart
So I let out my fears
He flipped the radio off, not being able to take any more of the heart-shattering love song playing throughout the car. He pounded his hand against the steering wheel, as the lights from the city illuminated the highway, bringing him closer to his destination.
He hated traveling alone, especially if it meant being without her, knowing she wouldn't be coming back to him. She should be with him tonight, traveling at 3 in the morning to their hotel room. He still couldn't wrap his mind around why she was with Adam and not him.
What does he have that I don't? She said she loved me. No one else!
The thought angered him more so than every other thought that had raced through his head. He was pissed at Stephanie, but more so at Adam than anyone else. While they never were the closest of friends, he never thought he would take the one thing that meant the world to him. He had managed to do that and although he didn't know every last detail, it became more angered thinking about the two of them together at some hotel room, wrapped in each other's arms and professing their love for one another.
He didn't know what his intentions were and why he wanted to be with Stephanie. He couldn't really love her, could he? Is he trying to further his career the way everyone assumed he had been by marrying her?
But one fear that I kept to myself
Was how I prayed that you'd love no one else
Like you're saying you love me
He tossed the thought aside as the first feeling of revenge set it. If he was in fact using her, it would serve her right. How dare she leave him to face the unbearable feeling of life without his partner, his best friend, his soul mate beside him. He didn't want no harm coming to her, but at the same time, if Adam was using her, he only thought of the slogan he had heard many times before.
Paybacks is a bitch!
He smiled, as he pulled his rental into the partially empty parking lot and came to a stop. He grabbed his duffel back as he headed for the entrance as the loneliness settled in once more. He wished she was there so he could reach out and hold her hand as they walked towards the hotel together. He knew it would never happen again. The pangs of jealousy, rage and hurt only got worse as he entered the artificial air of the hotel lobby and asked the receptionist for his room key. She handed them over with a small smile, as he headed for the elevator, feeling the warm tears stinging his eyes.
He had cried over her almost every night when she left and although he hadn't cried for some time now, he couldn't hold them back as the large, steel doors enclosed him in the tiny elevator and ascended to his room. He cried heavily in his hands, knowing full well he wouldn't get any sleep tonight. He would tally it up on his long list of sleepless nights.
The doors opened up then as he drug himself from the lift and walked slowly to his room. As he opened the door, the cool air conditioned room sent chills up his arms. He shuttered at the feeling, as his eyes burned even more, forcing the tears to spill out and down his face. He hated being alone without her in these hotel rooms. They had bonded quickly on their road trips, and although their sex life was fantastic, the late night talks in the many hotel rooms is what he missed the most. They would talk for hours on end about nothing in particular. The news, the weather, sports, dreams, fears, goals, achievements, love. They talked about everything together and it only made him miss her more. It only made him need and crave her more. But, she was with Adam now, and as much as he wished she was here with him now, it was simply that. Wishes and dreams. Something that would never happen.
Life goes on while you're miles away
And I need you
Time goes on as night steals the day
There's nothing I can do
He let the tears fall freely now, as he sat on the end of the bed and buried his face in his hands. With each passing tears, he found himself missing her more and more. He thought he had it all when he was with her, but his life and dreams shattered when he heard the door closing behind her. No amount of talking helped and he was sure that he would never find anyone to replace or take away the pain he felt. He wanted his darling Stephanie back more than anything. Instead, he curled up against the cold, over-stuffed pillow and cried his heart out.
If you only knew how much I miss you
As he cried silently in the night, a small knock on the door came. He sprung up out of bed and flew to the door knowing it was her. He could feel it in his heart. She had returned to him. Maybe all the wishing and praying he had done over the past 3 months had finally worked. Stephanie had returned to him.
The smile quickly disappeared from his face as he threw the door open, coming face to face with Shawn. He was sure he could read his expression as he watched his face fall and reach out to squeeze his shoulder. Paul dropped his head, and stepped back letting him enter the room.
"I won't keep you, because it looks like you could use some sleep. I just wanted to check and make sure you got here safely. How are you feeling, bro?"
"How does it look, Shawn? I'm crying over a chick that I will never have again. I'm suffering from a broken heart and yet, I continue to travel up and down every highway of every city and state for some reason that seems meaningless to me now. I have no happiness, no joy, no nothing."
"Paul, come on now. You know wrestling is everything to you, or at least it used to be. Listen, get some sleep and after our last two shows on this tour, come home with me for a few days. At least to clear your head for a while."
"I don't know, man."
"C'mon. If you return to that house, you're going to be worse than you are now, knowing she isn't there with you. You know it and I know it. Rebecca would love to see you and the kids miss their Uncle Paul. Just for a couple days."
He slowly shook his head, unable to speak at the moment. He loved Shawn's family and had always been close to them. The truth was, he did miss Shawn's kids, even if he did have a seemingly perfect relationship with the perfect woman with their two perfect kids.
"Alright dude. Listen, you get some sleep and I'll catch up with you tomorrow morning. We'll do breakfast or something alright?"
"Yeah, Shawn. Thanks."
"Hey, that's what I'm here for, right? Get some sleep."
He made his way out the door, as Paul watched him leave. His heart had let him down. He really thought she had came back. He thought she was on the opposite side of that door. Yet again, she was able to take another piece of his heart without her even knowing it. It had been perfectly clear to him at that moment that he was deeper in a dark, lonely depression than even he thought was possible. The thought of it scared him. He was actually the most sane guy he knew. He always thought rationally and logically about everything instead of acting on a whim. That's why he hadn't touched Adam as of yet. He sighed as he wiped the few stray tears from his eyes, and made his way back over to the bed.
When my mind plays these tricks on me
It shows me things I don't want to see
That's why I tell myself
I keep telling myself
Just take another piece of me
He closed his eyes, wondering how much more he could take before he went completely insane.
He looked out the window, as he saw the first part of daylight breaking through the horizon. He closed his eyes knowing it was another day he would only manage to get an hour or so of sleep. She was still able to captivate his every last bit of sanity and he had to get it back. Somehow, someway, he had to have some kind of normalcy back in his life.
Why couldn't she see the love he had for her? Why couldn't she still be here with him? Why did he feel so useless and unwanted right now? So many question and none of them he had the answers to.
He rubbed his red, swollen eyes as he rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. The huge bed felt so empty without her beside him, snuggling up to his chest. He hadn't felt her breath on his bare skin in so long, he was beginning to forget what it felt like. He missed her. That was the truth. He still loved her. Another truth. He wasn't sure if he could ever get past this.
Life goes on while you're miles away
And I need you
Time goes on as night steals the day
There's nothing I can do
She wasn't here and she didn't love him. She wasn't here because she didn't want him, she wanted Adam. He was making himself feel this way.
He couldn't take the endless nights, the midnight tears, the heartbreak. He couldn't do it anymore. He wanted his life back, with or without Stephanie McMahon. He missed the life he had with his friends and he missed the passion he once had for his profession. It had to stop and he was the only one that could make it happen.
He decided in that moment, no matter how much it hurt, he would let Stephanie go and start getting his life back. This was the last night he would shed a tear for her, and let her continue controlling his life. He was going to make it through this, if it was the last thing he did. He made up his mind that this was the last midnight cry, the last car ride, the last mile he would sulk over one, Stephanie McMahon.
And this last mile I travel with you