Not really sure how this one turned out. It was a special request from a mate of mine. Tell me what you think.

Dedicated to Kara who wanted a fic involving a banana, an iron bar shaped into a heart, a guy angsting over his love life and War & Peace by Tolstoy. Enjoy everyone XD

Disclaimer: Do not own Naruto. Get over it.

Lee & Neji & Sasuke – The Banana Incident

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...Lee"

"Hai, Neji-san?"

"Why do I have an iron bar shaped into a heart around my neck?"

"I am unsure. However, it looks most YOUTHFUL on you" Lee did the nice guy pose complete with crazy tooth flash after he said this. The birds flying around the field were all blinded and killed themselves running into trees.

".................................................I hate you"

"..."

"Grr... stupid bar!" 'Why does my ass hurt?'

"..."

"GET OVER MY FUCKING HEAD!"

"...Neji-san"

"What is it now Lee?"

"Why are we in the middle of a field?"

"I don't know Lee"

"..."

"..."

"...Neji-san?"

"WHAT!?"

"It's nothing really..."

"Lee" The eyebrow tick began to emerge on Neji's exposed brow

"Not really important at all..."

"Lee" The tick evolved into a full out throbbing anime vein

"I just figured you might want to know..."

"LEE! JUST HURRY UP AND FUCKING SAY IT!"

Everyone, Mt Neji has just erupted.

"Neji-san, there is a strange yellow object poking out the back of your pants"

"..." 'That explains a lot'

"Neji-san, you should probably also know that Uchiha Sasuke-san is sitting a few feet away with a similarly shaped yellow object by his side"

Neji's blood ran cold.

"I fucking hate you Hyuuga" Sasuke growled, "You guys were supposed to be helping me ask out Sakura! Not get drunk and fucking screw everything up"

'Screw being the operative word' Thought Neji carefully keeping his face neutral even as Lee scrambled in front of the Uchiha and began apologising profusely

Sasuke continued with his rant, seemingly unaware of the green-spandex clad boy grovelling for forgiveness in front of him. "What kind of men are you anyway? Who the hell gets drunk off one cup of sake and destroys the bar!" It was obvious that he hadn't heard of Lee's history with alcohol. Neji just drunk a hell of a lot faster so that by the time Lee was drunk enough to destroy things, Neji was drunk enough not to remember and could accuse the emptiness of his wallet of being from drinking too much instead of paying off damages from Lee's latest drunken escapades.

"I had to pay fucking damages to six different bars! SIX FUCKING BARS! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH CASH THAT IS!?"

"I have some idea" 'I still need to finish paying off that place in Wind Country'

Leaving Sasuke to angst over his now empty wallet and extremely large debt Neji quickly set about freeing the strange yellow object from his ass. Needless to say realising you've had a banana stuck up your ass is not a pleasant realisation.

"Just how drunk did we get last night" He vaguely remembered getting into a fight with Lee about some of the finer points of War & Peace by Tolstoy. He remembered Sasuke waving a banana about and angsting to said piece of fruit about how he had no idea how to ask out Sakura and how she was sure to reject him (Sasuke had been trying to kill both her and Naruto not two months ago, which might have something to do with that train of thought). Lee had then declared that he would be the one to get the "Most beautiful and glorious youthful lotus blossom Haruno Sakura-san's heart!" (direct quote there) Then he remembered Lee challenging Sasuke, and then pain, a lot of pain.

Sighing and glancing over to where Sasuke was still angsting over his bills and Lee was still begging for forgiveness for whatever it was that he had done Neji decided that he was mast definitely better off not remembering what had happened that night.

Of course when three weeks later his girlfriend still couldn't look him right in the face without laughing he had to ask her why.

"Neji-kun" she said giggling "War and Peace should not be re-enacted by a drunken idiot in spandex wielding a pipe and ranting about his love for Sakura-chan. And you, Neji-kun...you should never be allowed near fruit ever, ever again" With that she walked away, still giggling to herself.

Yes, it was definitely best he didn't remember.

I hope this was funny. Remember suggestions are very welcome. I will do my best to accommodate anyone who makes one. Next week I will be posting Hinata – Snapped as requested by dragonluv13.