;breaking queens;
try as i may, it doesn't last.
..and will we ever end up together?
You're not a weak girl.
(Because your heart was ripped out when he lay there, not even recognizable, unable to find his pinky finger,
where you'd make a dozen promises and save a dozen of dreams.)
...And you're not a pretty girl.
(And you bite your lip and look away because C.C. is pretty. The kind of pretty that could bring out the shades of his skin and the lilacs and violets of his eyes and the raven-black of his hair.)
...but you're a strong girl.
(Because somehow you manage to walk away. Twice.)
Why is he looking at you like that? That look like he doesn't even know who you are. That fake smile, and what is he wearing? Is that white? He's Zero, your mind chants frantically; your heart pounding like the tink bullet shells make when they hit the target and your mouth is dry. Your hands are clammy and your heart doesn't get it.
If you're strong, why are you so weak now?
(You think of the little girl you met a few years ago. She clung to her brother like second-skin and by the look of the two of them together, they were one and the same, one with more muscle and body, the other with soft honey eyelashes and pink lips that smiled. )
You waved goodbye to the girl as the smoke choked her lungs and the scent of his burning hair suffocated her throat, like some hungry animal that never had enough.
You thought you were strong then.
(But are you strong now?)
"Nice to meet you."
And your heart drops, once, twice, three times, and you just know, that without a shadow of a doubt, that somehow you're not following for answers.
You're following to say goodbye.
-
"Why'd you want me to come back to Ashford?"
(Does that mean you want me with you?)
It's a cold and empty place and it scares you because it's like
the way that little girl's brother looked when they put him in the coffin.
You walk up the stairs and your back breaks with every step he makes. If you turned around and looked at him, you know he'd have been beautiful to you. He'd have broken your heart into tiny little pieces and you would have just smiled helpfully and stepped on what was left. And you hate yourself because you know that.
And it's true.
The steps are too long and the distance between the two of you is too close. His feet drag across the velvet like they belong there and the scent of his hair sends tiny fissures to the pathetic thing between your ribcage. You count to three.
One.
(And think of the little things because you'll only break harder when it ends--you think about his laugh, and the way it made shivers inside of the inside of you's and how it felt like every echo of it was him trying to bury himself beneath your skin.)
Two
(And try not to think about his smile too much because if you do you'll scream, because there were so many of them and don't let the violet eyes drink you in because there's nothing there anymore. )
Three.
(But don't let yourself forget his voice, because more than anything you just need to hear it right now.)
"What am I to you, Lelouch?"
..
..
..
...And don't cry because he isn't saying anything.
..
..
Because it isn't over. Because maybe it doesn't matter that you don't matter. Maybe you just want to see him fly on those terrible wings of his again. Maybe you want to ride behind him. Maybe you just want to thank him for being the idiot that he is. And the hero that he isn't.
Maybe all that matters is that your heart is big enough for the both of you, and maybe that will be enough. So you'll pay him back this time and maybe he'll come to life within the sea of masks and lies and you'll both make it out together.
(You kiss him and the little girl dies and dies and dies.)
You count the seconds you grapple his mouth like you're hanging off a ship that's doomed to sink. And you keep fighting.
And you know his eyes are closing because they're so long and soft against your skin and that makes you full of strength and maybe if you pour a bit more of yourself out he can find himself in it because all that's left of you is him.
And all you'll ever need is him.
And the only one you'll ever love, is him.
But he's a stone-cold body now.
And you get tired.
And you stop fighting.
Your lungs collapse on the breath you didn't take before the plunge, and your heart hurts with the words you wanted but never got to hear. And you're not strong anymore because you can feel the creak of a door somewhere going shut, leaving whatever was left out to lie alone. And whatever you bound yourself to keep kissing him is torn from your body as you pull away and wait.
And wait.
Wait for the violets to bloom again and the smirk/smile that you didn't realize till now that you loved to come back and see that gleam he got when he was with you.
And your heart trembles pitifully, sickingly, longingly. Thrashes like a mangled thing, the sound of it beating making your lungs give air that is weak enough to not come out and strong enough to leave a ragged tear in your ribs.
And you're breathless.
And he's frozen cold.
And you smile feebly, closing your eyes as you try to hide it. But your breathing is a sickening whimper escaping your mouth as you look at him.
(And deep down you're screaming.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you!! )
"S-Sayonara, Lelouch." You choke in a strangled, broken voice.
You loved him more than you should have. And he's taken more of you than you have left to hold.
And all you can think about is if he'll call your name as you open the door.
..
..
And you wonder how you're still walking, when everything inside of you is gone.
..
..
..
"..Sayonara, Kallen."
...This can't be the end of them, can it? I mean, they're trolling us right?
Review please. I'll update The Exchange Student soon. ;)