Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or any of its characters

In all the years I spent in the military, no one ever bothered to ask me why I joined. To be honest, I never thought about it as well; not until now, while I'm sitting idly on a hospital bed, puffing on my fifth cigarette stick.

The military is exactly like the world; so full of assholes, so full of shit. But then again, it comes naturally. After all, the military is part of this world so it shouldn't surprise me if the military has shit loads of assholes. Sometimes I wonder if I'm better off doing something else aside from this stupid job but then I am reminded that in a weird and twisted way, I am actually getting what I've bargained for.

I remember it clearly now. I never dreamt of being a soldier back when I was a kid. In fact, my dream was to become an accountant. Why? 'Coz back when I was a kid, I thought that the only problem in this world is the taxes. At least, that's what I believed because that's all I ever hear from my mother's mouth.

I tried to do well in school, especially in Math but I felt myself falling behind the subject when we started studying the Roman numerals. It dawned on me; I'm not meant to be an accountant. When I gave up this dream, I was left confused. I don't know what I wanted to be. While all my friends were talking about how they would help Amestris when they grow up, I was thinking about what I should do someday. Like I said before, I don't have a shot with accountancy. Alchemy is not a possibility either. I never got the transmutation thing. A doctor, maybe; but I suck at Science too. Yes, I suck at school unless the subject is recess or gym class.

So I grew up without a dream. No… not exactly. I grew up thinking of ways to fulfill my dream which is to help people in my own ways. Unfortunately, even in my teen years, I got nothin'. All I know is if I were to have a job, it should have something to do with my physical skills. After all, it's all I have.

Along with the questions of what I wanted to be and how am I gonna help the people around me, I also saw a few more problems aside from the taxes. I saw just how inconsiderate people could be. It's like that time when my neighbor's house got burnt down to ashes 'coz he couldn't afford to pay the rent. That got me thinking more. It made me want to help the likes of him. But still, I don't know how.

I thought about becoming a fireman but what can I do? All I can do is put out the fire. I cannot help the oppressed with that. Then I thought about being a policeman. It's possible but I don't like them. Sometimes, they hurt civilians too. They also catch innocent people. I don't know if those people actually help the oppressed. Then, I thought about being a lawyer or a judge but I remembered that I'm no good in academics. Because none of those ideas seem to match my standards, or lack thereof, I still don't know what I'm gonna do to contribute to the world.

Everyday, I see oppressors, everyday, I encounter victims. It is a very depressing sight. What am I gonna do about it? How am I gonna help get rid of all the mother fuckers who bring pain and suffering to mankind? Should I hit them with a bat? Should I start driving one of those ten-wheeler trucks and kill them all with it? Nah, I don't think it would be right. It wouldn't make sense. If I did such things, I'll be a mother fucker just like them. I was frustrated because I can't think of anything to help the people around me. Am I really a useless piece of trash in this society? Those thoughts never left my head. And I got more confused.

Then, one day, although I can't remember when, I saw a bunch of guys in blue uniforms. They are the soldiers of Amestris. Aren't soldiers brave men who risk their lives for the country's sake? Aren't they one of the people who promote justice? I realized that I want to be one of them. I thought that I could help the people when I become a soldier so I decided to become one. My mother was against it but I didn't understand why so I didn't listen to her and studied to become a soldier anyway. My intentions are pure, after all.

In the academy, I strived hard to become a soldier. I wasn't the best. I didn't have an expertise but despite that, I am perfectly capable of becoming one. I still didn't know what's ahead of me once I get out of the academy but I thought that it has something to do with war. I had no problems with that. I always thought that going to war means protecting the country but I was mistaken.

Like some of the people I know, I experienced Ishbal. That's when I saw just how shitty the military is. They kill everyone including women and children. They don't give a fuckin' crap about them. And the Ishbalans are helpless. It wasn't a war, it was a god damned massacre and I hated every second of it.

I saw that most military men are mother fuckers… oppressors. I also saw that the military is full of connivances. It's not to my liking. There, I finally understood why my mother didn't want me to become a soldier; because it's like selling my soul to the devil himself.

Despite those horrible truths, I continued following every order they throw at me. I was like a dog who obeys his evil master. I don't know why I still bother. I could simply quit but for some random reason, I chose to stay. But unlike before, I didn't dream of helping anyone through this job anymore seeing that soldiers are not much help to the society either.

After the war, I got assigned under the command of chief. The guy wants to be the führer so that he could change the way the country runs somehow. He wants to make things better. He established hope for every one of us and I figured that helping this guy would also mean helping the people indirectly so I followed him like everyone else in our sector. I do what he says knowing that it would lead him one step closer unto victory. And even now that I am incapable, I still support my boss wit' whatever it is he is doing.

I, despite my retirement, am still a military man. And I always will be. Why? Because I know that even though the world will never run out of shit, guys who give a shit still exist. That's enough to keep me going.