#2: Sabina
When you are introduced to her, smile warmly, shake her hand and say: 'Ah, you must be the girl who was with Alex through so much! I understand the pressure grew too great…'
Engage her in a long-winded conversation about 'The Lord of the Rings'. Discuss obscure characters at great length, and refer constantly to the appendices. Talk about the 'emotional impact' of the story, and relate it to the bible. Terrify her and bore her to death, basically.
When she pulls out suncream, whisper :'It's just a sex toy really' (see Eagle Strike)
If you are feeling especially cruel, run your finger along the blade of a pair of scissors. Not your finger tip, below the second knuckle is best.
For the female:
Act completely random and uncool. Wear red lipstick, green eyeshadow and steel-capped boots. Dye your hair pink and listen to ABBA on a CD player. On no account should you pluck your eyebrows.
Thus clad, take her to a coffee shop. If she orders green tea, have a large hot-chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows, and smile sweetly when she starts to mutter about GDA's and the danger of carbs after 5 pm.
Tell her a few facts about the health risks of green tea. For every food myth she tells you, make up an even more mythical one, disguising it with medical language.
When she applies her makeup, copy her motions, with exaggerated arm movements. Peer in a hand mirror, sigh and tut. Then say to her: 'Do you think this lipstick suits my complexion?' (see 4)
Suggest that there is something between Alex and Yassen: 'And when they leaned towards each other it was just like this electricity flashed between them, you know? OMG they would make such a sweet couple! We should so get them together! Wouldn't that be brilliant, Sab?'
Behave like you are best friends.
For the male:
Say: 'So, you...you and Alex, huh?' Speak as though grappling with some great emotion.
Discuss football
Then stare at her intensely, pause, and cry: 'Oh, it's a thousand pities the God's didn't make you a man!' (Till We Have Faces, by CS Lewis)
A/N: As you can see, I now have a 'terrify everyone with my weirdness' policy going for the New Year. Most of these will work on almost any normal teenage girl.