Disclaimer: What we do not own includes, but is not limited to: The Matrix, Hitler, World War II, the g-hetto, pimps, ho's, alka seltzer, Harry Potter, Oprah, Mexicans, H. Lo, bananas, No Doubt, Wonder Woman, Rainbow Bright, My Little Pony, The east coast, Moses, the west coast, Tupac, Moses movies, Biggie, Ian McGandalf, and much more.
Here is the story. Back up, with revisions afer it was so graciously taken down. Hopefully you all still like it.
Alas, again, read.
Enjoy.
Lord of the Rings: The Never Ending Story
Voiceover: -You don't know who she is or what the hell she's talking about, but it sure as hell sounds cool-
Lord of the Rings.
So, there are a bunch of rings and some short people.
In the magical land of Mordor, Hitler takes over all the rings.
Hitler: DAMMIT! I AM CRAZY MAN! FEEL MY CRAZY!!
Caitlin: Orcs are ugly.
Mr. Anderson. He never dies. Ever. I mean, Neo had to pretty much disrupt the entire concept of reality to kill him in the Matrix.
They broke the pretty sword.
Kelsey: Don't break the pretty ring! Oh wait…I guess that would probably save us a lot of problems. But then there would be no movie. And then where would pretty elf boy be?
So back story is boring. Basically there is a ring and it's evil. And one screwed up family.
Gollum! A little crazy, but all in all, a pretty good guy. He's an old man, still rockin it old school.
A shadow in the east. A SHADOW in the east. Oh the horror.
The ring is apparently capable of human thought. This may or may not suck for a lot of people.
Bilbo finds the ring. Which totally makes no sense at all. Because seriously, if Gollum's entire life had revolved around that one thing for 500 years, you'd think he'd keep a better eye on it.
The Fellowship of the Bling.
The shire.
Gandalf!! Woot.
Frodo: Bitch, you late. Where my money? Don't play with me, man, don't play!
Gandalf: Wizards are never late.
Harry Potter: Word.
They're in a cart now. Just so you know.
Hobbits are happy and hairy and short. And they live in hills.
Gandalf is the Oprah of Middle Earth. He has his own show with a billion viewers in 23423 countries and he gives away free carts and owns Fladnag productions.
Woo, fireworks.
Caitlin: Sparkle Sparkle!!
Gandalf and Bilbo are gay lovers.
All old men like whisky.
Dumbledore: Hell yes we do!
Gandalf equals Moses.
Bilbo: (Is talking funny)
He wants to see the mountains and he would like some butter.
Party time.
Smokin the dope.
Gandalf: Dude, eggs come from animals. How freakin sweet is that?
Caitlin: Hey! That's my line!
Bilbo: Yeah, it's like that one time when there was the guy and he all like 'Sweet' and it was just like, whoa.
Gandalf: Whoa, that's metaphorical dude.
Frodo: Damn bitch, I run these streets like a Mexican crossin the border!
Pippin: Hey man! Chu don' be talking me like you know me. Me and Hennifer we's be workin back at home in Mehico.
Frodo: Hell no, man! Don't make calls them immigration popos on your ass.
Pippin: Hey man! I'm jus lookin' for a yob.
Frodo: Homie say whaaat?
Pippin: A yob! You whities ain't know nothin about a yob! You know like H. Lo's yob is to "sing" and date men and divorce men and shake her bodonkadonk
Frodo: Oh…damn straight man.
Anyways, there some singing and stuff. Oh and cake. And Frodo's breaking it down like he was Alka-Seltzer.
Hey, it's the supreme master of the universe, otherwise known as Sam.
Pippin: Hey man, let's go steal some fireworks.
Merry: Lots of high explosive material….LET'S GO!!
Pippin: Sweet.
Merry: For shizzle my nizzle.
Pippin: Hey man! Look at how big this one is! It's like H. Lo's booty except it catches on fire and explodes.
Harajuku Girls: Gandalf! Save us from the giant burning dragon!
That One Blonde Chick That Was in That One Band About Having No Doubts: No! Return to me my little bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S! Why will you not come when I call you? This shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!
Gandalf: Haha! I have smote you at last, you evil peroxide woman! Return to your state of not doubting while I frolic about the countryside with your delectable Asian treats!
Merry and Pippin get caught by the popo, otherwise known as Gandalf.
Speech!
Bilbo: Hey! Hey! Wh—Hey! Bitches!
Bitches: YEAH!
Bilbo: Yeah! Ha…Ho's!
Ho's: YEAH!
Bilbo: Haha…ho's…Pimps!
Frodo: Whattup foo? You been messin on my block? Don't be messin on my block!
Bilbo: It's my hundredth and my hundred…and eleventy…eleven…I'm old! Hey look! I have feet! And they're hairy!
Everybody: (awkward silence)
Bilbo: Alas, I am drunk. Look at my ring! It's shiny! Haha…watch me disappear. (disappears) Haha, isn't that funny! Look! Ha! You can't look because you can't see me! (THUD) Haha! There's a tree! A TREE! I'm gonna go…you coming Mr. Tree? No? Okay, you just chill right here. I'm gonna go now! See me go! You can't see me! Hahaha…
Frodo: Damn, nows I gots to find me another hustler to work da corner. Dat damn Merry
gonna be steppin on my street. I can'ts have no's My Little Ponies steppin round the Rainbow Bright Gang. I ain't bouts to have no drama go down on my block.
Translation: -has nothing to do with the movie-
So going back to the movie that we been so effectively ignoring…
Bilbo is invisible. This means you can't see him. Although Wonder Woman can.
Wonder Woman: I am amazing.
Gandalf owns the world. And Sam owns Gandalf. Sam was the burning bush. That's how they met.
Bilbo: You will keep an eye on Frodo, won't you?
Gandalf: Two eyes…because I have two.
Bilbo is addicted to shiny gold rings. And now he's pissing off Moses. Oh damn, don't be pissing off Moses. That's what the Egyptians did and look what happened to them.
-- Insert Moses movie here --
So Bilbo decides to leave the evil ring of doom to Frodo. Because if there's anything a working pimp needs, it's a ring to rule the world with…and a fuzzy purple hat.
So apparently, gay people love this movie (HI GAY PEOPLE!! WE HEART YOU!!). I guess a movie about a bunch of guys frolicking all over the place and fighting over jewelry would make sense for gay people.
Frodo: Bilbo!! Bil- Oh! Damn! Look at that bling! That shit is off the chain! Yo, hand that over old man.
Translation: Bilbo oh Bilbo where art thou? Oh my good golly gosh! That ring is simply splendid! Would you please hand me that beautiful ring dear elderly man?
Gandalf mails Frodo the ring from two feet away.
Frodo: Don't be breakin balls to get up out of this joint. Just rock wit me and let's go meet up with a couple playas from down the block.
Translation: Well thank you my good fellow. Would you like to join me and some of our good friends in a lovely evening of cocktails?
So Gandalf leaves Frodo all by his lonesome with a ring that could destroy the world.
Gollum is hurt. This sucks for everyone.
So, just for a little geography lesson, the shire is the east coast, represented by Frodo and his gang of bitches (the Rainbow Bright Gang), and the Biggie to his Tupac is Merry and his My Little Pony Gang. Pippin is a Mexican. He was brought to the My Little Pony Gang through the widely popular Adopt-A-Mexican Program. It's much like the Adopt-A-Highway Program except you don't have to pick up garbage on the weekends. And Mordor is the west coast, rocking the likes of N.W.A. (Nasty Wicked Apples). They comin at you straight of Mordor, bitches!!
Gandalf took a field trip. He's in Big City With Rock In Middle (BCWRIM). We don't know why. Basically he's just repeating the voiceover that we ignored at the beginning of the movie. So, in an effort to uphold this record, we will continue to ignore any and all important information from this point on.
It's the dementors from Harry Potter.
Harry Potter: Expecto Patronum!
Gandalf: Wrong movie, dude.
Harry Potter: EXPECTO PATRONUM!
Ron: Um, Harry…
Harry: I SAW MY DADDY!
Ron: Dude, just stop. Let's go, I'm losing valuable sexual tension moments with Hermione.
Gandalf throws the burning ring at Frodo.
Frodo: Yo, there be shiznit up on this ring! I ain't want no bad shit!
Gandalf: The ring is evil! All men get addicted to its power!
Frodo: Addicted? Can I sell it? How much is it worth?
More back story. You'd think they were trying to make us pay attention or something. Damn them and their infinite amount of knowledge. DAMN THEM!
The Dark Lord…Voldemort…total Harry Potter rip off.
Apparently Gandalf has an in with the torture master over at Mordor. They go way back. They went to wizard school together with Dumbledore.
Frodo: Bitch, take this ring up off of me!
Gandalf: I will do no such thing!
Frodo: Damn! It's hard out here for a pimp! (Insert appropriate theme song) Are you's telling me I gots to take that shit all the way to Mordor?
Gandalf: Basically…yeah.
Frodo: Le damn…bitch.
Frodo grabs the ring….and some cheese. Now he is completely prepared to save all of Middle Earth from certain doom.
Frodo: Yo, Sam! Since you's be like the Master of the Universe, you wanna roll wit me over to Mordor and burn this damn ring?
Sam: I will do so, young Frodo Baggins. The universe has agreed that such an alliance would be prosperous in the very near future.
Frodo: Come on, beotch! I ain't gots all day!
Gandalf: So pretty much, this ring is the reincarnation of evil and everybody wants to take it and kill you. Have fun!
Frodo: I wants to ride on back to my block!
Gandalf: No.
Frodo: But-
Gandalf: No.
Frodo: Pleeeease...
Gandalf: No.
Frodo: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, man.
A/N: So there it is again. It was taken down, as in our hypothetical pirate parodies, but it's back up (with revisions, as in pirates) and we hope you all still like it. The rest of the chapters will be up again soon. Not to worry. So reviewing would be the greatest thing of ever. I'll post what we had, but new ones just make us happy. And that's the ultimate goal right? So REVIEW! S'il vous plait et merci!
They can (once again) take our parodies but they can't take our FREEDOM!!