Disclaimer: What we do not own includes: The Bahamas, "I'll Fly Away", Ancient Chinese magic, Over the river and through the woods, China, "It's hard out there for a pimp" Linda Blair, Ka-ra-tae, "Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting", Moses Movies, DDR, The Matrix, Children of the Corn, Pina Coladas, "What's New Pussycat", Singing in the Rain, Gene Kelly, "Do you come from a land down under?", Tupoc, Santa and anything else we mentioned in the previous disclaimer.
What we still own: Our Freeeeeeeeeedom!
Alas, le story.
Enjoy.
And we're back…
Over the river and through the woods and some fields and by mountains and such, to the Mountain of Doom we go!
Sam: This is new land to me, through which I have not yet passed. Thou hast taken me far young Frodo Baggins.
Frodo: Foo. Get ya ass over here… Dats coo. Member what dat ol' Bilbo-hizzle said…
--Insert Flashback—
Bilbo: It's hard out there for a pimp.
--End Flashback—
Frodo: And besides hommie, if chew don come wit me, it messes wit da whole plot of da 3rd movie when chew save my life an all dat shit.
Sam: Oh…well in that case…
In some other part of Middle Earth…
Run, Ian McGandalf! Run! ...or whatever.
Creepy voiceover man talks too much. Again with the whole back story thing. At least his voice sounds cool.
Gandalf: Hmmm…this guy Saruman sure is a great guy. I trust him sooooo much. I mean he could never EVER have joined sides with the big Hitler-like-glowing-creepy-ass-eye-thing-that-sits-on-top-of-a-tower. AND he would never lock me in this here big tower of doom and force me to use my ka-ra-tae skills on him, only to have him beat me senseless so that I have to tell the little butterfly thing that I need the giant eagles to save me. And of COURSE, Saruman would never kill all the trees and build a giant factory of DOOM and create a giant kick ass computer animated army we all have to fight at the end of the 2nd movie. SO, Marry and Pippin would have no reason to have the trees, and the tree huggers, wreak holy havoc on the place and flood it. That would never ever happen in a billion years.
Saruman: I'm evil.
Gandalf: Damn.
Saruman: Listen Ian McGandalf; just tell me everything the big eye needs to know to screw you and Frodo over.
Gandalf: (tells him) …wait…damn.
Saruman: I BEAT YOU!
Gandalf: KA-RA-TAE!!
Everybody was kung fu fighting. HIA-YA!
Saruman: I beat you with my staff-y thing!
Gandalf: Oww…
Saruman: And now…for the dance off…
In a cornfield…somewhere…
Caitlin: Look…corn…
Kelsey: Shut up.
Caitlin: And, aww! The hobbits are small…like children…and they're in the corn…they're like children of the corn.
Kelsey: I'm not listening…not listening… (hums)
Now really…in a cornfield…
Sam: Oh Frodo, oh Frodo! Where for art thou Frodo?
Frodo: Yo hommie, wut up?
Merry and Pippin are running through the corn like small children, but not in any demented-lets-kill-everybody way.
Frodo: Hey, hey. What is you doin in my hood?
Merry: We's just be passin' through lookin' for some bitches and ho's.
Frodo: Bitch! On my block?! Oh hell no.…It's hard out here for a pimp!
Pimps everywhere: Word.
Now the Hobbits are somehow on a road…
The dementors from Harry Potter strike once again!!
Harry Potter: EXPECTO PATRONUM!!
Frodo: Dude…again, wrong movie.
Harry Potter: Damn it!
Frolicking through the dark woods…
Merry: Foo, you gots gangstas from the West Coast after yo ass. Dey want yo bling bling. We need to get to da ferry. For shizzle my nizzle in the hizzle with dat for the motha whaaaaaat!
Everyone: ………
Run Frodo! Run!
Frodo: Run run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me or there wouldn't be two other incredibly long movies following this one!
Merry: You made it!
Frodo: Gee, le gasp.
In the Rain…
Pippin: I'm singing in the rain, just singing in the rain!
Gene Kelly: What a glorious feeling, I'm happy again.
Pippin and Gene: I'm laughing at clouds, so dark up above. The sun's in my heart and I'm ready for love.
--Dance number--
Creepy Man at the gate: …the hell?
Frodo: We need to find the Prancing Pony.
Creepy Man: Oh yeah, the gay bar. Its right up the-
Frodo: NO! The other Prancing Pony. (shudders)
Creepy Man: Oh…that way.
The Prancing Pony is creepy…
Frodo: Where the hell is Gandalf?
Sam: Maybe we should check the other Prancing Pony.
Frodo: NO! …Innkeeper guy! Where be Gandalf?
Innkeeper: Gandalf…? You mean the old gay guy with the sweater vest?
Frodo: Uh no…
Innkeeper: Oh! You mean the one old guy with the hat?
Frodo: …..sure….
Innkeeper: I haven't seen him.
Frodo: Damn!
Merry: Let's get drunk and tell everyone Frodo is here!
Pippin: OK!
Sam: Young Frodo Baggins. Ye have some guy stalking ye. Not that he'll be of any importance to the plot of the rest of the movies or anything.
Slow motion sequence of really old creepy ugly people commences.
Frodo: Oooo! This ring is shiny! Its sooo pretty! Its round and shiny and pretty and gold and smooth and pretty and perfect and it matches everything I own. I love it sooo much! I think I'll put it on. What's the worst that could happen?
--Insert battles and whatnot from the next two movies—
Frodo: But. its. so. pretty. can't. resist. the. pretty. ring.
Frodo puts the ring on.
All hell breaks loose…ok not really…..yet.
Caitlin: VIGGO!
Aragon: -steals Frodo-
Frodo: Dude…wtf?
Aragon: Are you retarded? Don't wear the damn ring!
Frodo: But its so pretty…
Blah, blah, blah, plot and such. Apparently the dementor things are coming and Aragon saves the Hobbits.
HA! The dementors got owned by Aragon and his plan.
Caitlin: Dementors, you fail at life.
Kelsey: You know they're not dementors, right?
Caitlin: (death rays)
Aragon: Back story!
Everyone: Oooh! Ahhhh!
The next day…maybe…
Frodo: Where are we going? And why are we going? What's going on? Where are we? Who are we? What is tuna? What is the meaning of life? Who are you? Who am I? Is the sky really blue? Where do babies come from? Is Santa real? What makes soda fizzy? Is Tupoc really dead? Did that one president from Arkansas really have sexual relations with that woman? What is the Matrix? Why are some grapes white and others purple? Do you come from the land down under? What's new pussycat? Do you like Pina Coladas? Getting caught in the rain? What's the name…
Aragon: Just shut up and listen to someone for a change!
Frodo: What?! I always listen to people.
--Flash forward--
Sam: Frodo, Gollum is a douche bag. He is evil. E-V-I-L.
Frodo: Bitch! (slap) How dare you insult him! Gollum is a good boy. Isn't that right Gollum?
Gollum: No.
--End--
Merry: How do we know we can trust Aragon…I mean 'Strider'…because we don't know his real name yet…?
Frodo: Oh don't worry. I don't want to follow him or listen to him, so therefore he must be a good person. I only follow the ones who will get me into the most trouble. Right Gollum?
Gollum: Right.
Sam: Where is he taking us?
Aragon: Rivendell.
Sam: How could he know what to answer? Can he read my mind? Is he a psychic? Is it ancient Chinese magic?
Aragon: I'm standing two feet away from you, and you talk loud.
Sam: Wow. He's really good at reading my thoughts.
Aragon: (sigh)
Frodo: What is Rivendell? What is a riven? What is a dell? Why's it called Rivendell? Is it pretty? Does it have trees? Is it old? Who lives there? What's his name? Do you live there? Can we go faster? How long till we're there? Are we there yet? When…
Aragon: Behave yourself young man. Don't think I won't stop this car and turn around. That's it. Time-out.
Oh, by the way, Elves live in Rivendell.
Pippin: I haven't eaten in the last 4 minutes. Can we stop and eat?
Aragon: No.
Pippin: But…
Aragon: No.
Pippin: Pleeeeeeease!!
Aragon: No.
Pippin: But I wanna!
Aragon: Bitch!
Back in land-o-huge-kick-ass-computer-animated-army-factory…
Saruman: Cut down all these trees and build me a huge computer animated army vermin! NOW!
Trees: -die-
Tree Huggers: NOOOOOOOO!!
Back to prettiness…
Aragon: Look! A big rock, go rest. Now I will leave you all alone to defend yourselves if anything happens. Gee, I really hope none of those dementor things come to eat you while I'm away. That would suck…a lot. Suck…haha…literally…dementors suck out your soul…Well, have fun!
Merry: Oh look. Dementor things. Woot.
Frodo: Le damn.
Dementor things: Give us the bling.
Frodo: No, its mine. I think I'll wear it again. It'd look good with this outfit.
Frodo disappears, but the dementor things are still there…only, they're not dementors they're like people, but they're all whit and ghost-like so Frodo is still screwed.
HA! Frodo got owned by the blade of a ghost-y thing. Sucker.
Harry Potter: Have no fear! Harry Potter is here! Expecto Patronum!
Expecto Patronum: -doesn't work-
Harry Potter: I fail.
Woot! Aragon saves the day for real!
Pippin: Aww, how thoughtful. Aragon lit that dementor on fire, he must have been cold.
Harry Potter: Why do I fail at everything!?
Sam: Hey! Frodo got owned by a sword.
Aragon: It was a Morgul blade. He's beyond my help. He needs Elvish medicine.
Merry: A what blade?
Aragon: It's thing, made in a place, by some people.
Pippin: It says "Made In China"
Land-o-computer-animated-army…
Trees: -still dying-
Tree Huggers: -still pissed-
Gandalf calls the butterfly of amazing-ness and tells it to get the eagles of wonder. But we don't really know this yet.
Look! It's the pits of hell.
Ok eww. Saruman's giant-computer-animated-army is made in a really disgusting way.
Back to Frodo and Company…
Frodo is possessed.
Priest: Heathen! The devil within you must be exercised!
Sam: Oh please. Go find Linda Blair; she's hacking up pea soup. Oh, by the way, Frodo feels cold. Is that bad?
Pippin: Is he going to die?
Aragon: He will soon join the dementor things. So we must heal him soon. But have no fear! He will be saved. Otherwise this would be the end of the movie and therefore the end of the trilogy-that-never-really-would-have-been, and we would all be out of jobs.
Pippin: Oh…
Arwen makes everything better.
Arwen: Hello, I am the daughter of that guy in that one band that writes the songs. Worship me!
Frodo is dying. Please, Arwen and Aragon waste more time.
Aragon: -plot in Elvish-
Arwen: -more plot in Elvish-
A cross country pony ride! Yay!
Aww, the dementors are following Arwen. It's like polo, only not.
Arwen: Alas, the dementors are coming.
Harry Potter: I'm on my way! Come on broom, go faster!
Ok, a second ago those wraith/dementor things were not that close to Arwen.
River! It's like a Moses movie, only not.
Arwen: If you want him, come and claim him.
Harry Potter: EXPECTO PATRONUM!
Water: -attacks the dementor things-
Harry Potter: FINALLY! SUCCESS!
Frodo: Actually, Arwen told the water to do that, so it did.
Harry Potter: DAMN! I can't do anything! I need to go cut myself…wait…Frodo's supposed to be unconscious.
Frodo: Oh, right.
Frodo: -is unconscious-
Arwen: Frodo! Don't die!
Frodo: People please. I'm in the next two movies. Chill.
Dream like montage featuring the Mr. Anderson guy from the Matrix.
Later…
Frodo: I'm awake! Wait, where am I? Who am I? Am I real? Is this the Matrix? Where…
Gandalf: Chill dude.
Frodo: Ian McGandalf?! I thought you were temporarily displaced from a state of being until the second movie?
Gandalf: That's later.
Frodo: Oh, right….by the way…bitch! Where were you?!
Gandalf: Well…Saruman and I had a slight altercation that led to a dance dance revolution dance off, and…he kicked my ass. So I had to call for an eagle and I flew away on him.
--Insert Flashback--
Gandalf: I'm like a bird!
Harry Potter flying Buckbeak: I'll only fly away!
Gandalf: I'm the king of the world! Whoo hoo!
--End Flashback--
Frodo: Really?
Gandalf: No. I was actually in the Bahamas.
Frodo: Oh.
Sam: Frodo! You're awake! And alive!
Frodo: Well the plot would be kinda screwed if I wasn't.
Gandalf: You were saved by Elrond and his Elf-y magic-ness.
Frodo: Who the hell is Elrond? Why does everyone talk about him? Why's he so special? What has he ever done? What does he do? Why am I here? Who…
Elrond: I am Elrond.
Frodo: I see.
Elrond: Welcome to Rivendell, Mr. Anderson.
Frodo: I still don't know what a riven ar a dell is.
A/N: So that's the second installment. W00t. We are slowly but surely reposting our lovely innocent parody, which was ruthlessly ripped from the interweb. Anyway, thanks to all who have reviewed. You are awesome. But what would be even more awesome would be if you reviewed more. Then you would be the king of awesome or something. ...And you may possibly get a cookie... possibly. Full of chocolate-y goodness.
Merci! Et s'il vous plait.