Disclaimer: Once again, the things that we do not own: everything previously mentioned in previous chapters, "V for Vendetta", Romeo and Juliet, Wonder Woman, Monty Python, legal documents, Gene Simmons, peaches, secret brotherhoods, the Louvre, "National Treasure", the Mona Lisa, Mt. Vesuvius, "The Birds", Alfred Hitchcock, the Last Supper, rainbows (owned by peace and gay people, we heart you!), the Declaration of Independence, the Great Wall of China, "Sweatin' to the Oldies", the Vatican, sunshine, and dawg, with a g.
And now, here is more of the long awaited story...
Read.
So Rivendell seems like a nice place. It's pretty.
Yay! Everybody is happy and rejoycing and being glad. Enjoy it while you can Fellowship, enjoy it while you can.
Frodo: Bilbo-hizzle!!
Bilbo: Look! I wrote a book!
Frodo: "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp": The Trials and Tribulations of Being a Pimp by Bilbo-hizzle. How exquisite!
Bilbo: Alas, I am old, for you stole my damn ring.
Frodo: I am incompetent.
Bilbo: (is bitter...except not)
Somewhere else in Riveldell...
Gandalf: Frodo can't handle the pretty-ness of the ring.
Elrond: But he has shown such strength.
Gandalf: orly?
--Flashback--
Frodo: The. ring. So. pretty. Must. wear. it.
--End Flashback--
Elrond:...The Matrix has you!! (pose)
Gandalf: ...wtf?
Elrond: The eye thing is looking at me. The ring needs to leave. Now.
Gandalf: So...
Elrond: We're screwed.
Gandalf: Agreed.
More plot. And as said earlier, to keep up with our record, we are skillfully ignoring any and all major important plot points.
Gandalf: We need to put our faith in men.
Elrond: Ok, now we're really screwed. Like for serious.
--Flashback--
Elrond: Destroy the damn ring!
King Guy: Hello no! It's mine!
Elrond: NOW!
King Guy: YOUR FACE!!
--End Flashback--
Gandalf: Shit.
Later...much later...
Boramir: Woot! Shiny pretty broken sword. Touchy!
Caitlin: You whore! You are a douche. And you die, which causes lots of problems in the future movies because your dad is bitter. (death rays)
Aragorn: I am bitter!
Arwen: Seriously, chill. Just accept the fact that you're the heir and get on with life. These movies are already long as it is.
Aragorn: Never!
Arwen/Aragorn love vows are being proclaimed on a bridge. It's sort of like Romeo and Juliet except no one dies. So really it's nothing like Romeo and Juliet. But whatever.
Arwen: I want to give up my immortality to be with you. Even though that means that I will grow old and wrinkly and sag in places that shouldn't sag only to die, I still heart you!
Aragorn: No! I cannot let you do that.
Arwen: I'll give you my necklace.
Aragorn: Ooooh! SHINY!!
Has anyone ever noticed that Arwen and Aragorn are two very similar names. It's like when someone is telling a story about brothers or something and they're like "This is Tim and his twin brother Jim-bob." Ok, maybe I'm the only one who thinks that it's weird.
Pow wow time!!
Elrond: Mr. Anderson, you have been called to this here pow wow to decide what to do with the bling. For it is shiny. YOU CANNOT ESCAPE THE MATRIX! Show me the money!...er, ring, yeah ring... Frodo!
Everyone: Oooooh! Ahhhhhh!
Boramir: Can't. resist. the. shiny-ness.
Caitlin: Hey, he was in National Treasure.
Kelsey: Why do you know this?
Boramir: This here ring needs to go to me. Uh. Just because...
Aragorn: No, you whore.
Boramir: Biotch, don't even start...
Legolas: Ohmygosh! Do you know who this is? This is (drum roll) Aragorn! Bow to him!
Boramir: Why?
Legolas: Because I said so. And I'm pretty-er than you.
Boramir: Well at least its not because he's the heir of that one guy who defeated Sauron and he'd here to get that one broken sword so he can fight two huge ass battles, one of which is caused by my dad's bitterness over the fact that I die here soon. And at least he's not going to help defeat all evil and then become king of Big City with Rock in Middle. That would be ridiculous.
-Insert the next two movies-
Boramir: Damn.
Elrond: There is only one thing to do with the ring, Mr. Anderson. It much be destroyed. And the journey must take as long as humanly possible, so the people that take the ring have to be interesting ot at least screw up a lot so that it takes longer.
Gimli: I am Rabi Gimli! I will destroy the ring!
Gimli's axe is smote (smited?) by the ring.
Ring: Take that bi-yotch.
Gimli: le damn.
Elrond: The ring was made in the fires of Mt. Veseuvius over the Great Wall of China and through various radioactive spider infested labyrinths. And it can only be destroyed in those fires, Mr. Anderson. One of you must accept this swashbuckling adventure.
Boramir: Dude, that sucks. Whoever choses to do this will be beaten, tarred and feathered, eaten alive by ants, starved, have they're elbows broken, they're legs branded, be beaten over the head with a 2 x 4, run over with a steam roller, be forced to play minesweeper for hours upon hours, and will have to breathe toxic fumes, walk through a nuclear waste zone, and pass through the very pits of hell.
Leoglas: Sounds fabulous!
Rabbi Gimli: Nuh uh! No elf-pretty-boy will do this. I'm going!
Boramir: Oh hell naw! I wan do dis shit.
Harry Potter: Oooh! Ooooh! Pick me! Pick me!
Gimli: Elves suck.
Legolas: Your mom.
Everyone: Bitch, bitch, yell, bicker, and other various angry and frustrated exclamations.
Gandalf: We are so screwed.
Frodo has a moment with the ring.
Everyone: (Continuing exclamations of anger in raised tones...otherwise known as yelling)
Frodo: I'll take the ring.
No one: (hears him)
Frodo: BITCHES AND HOS! I'M TAKING THE DAMN RING!
Everyone: ...
Gandalf: Alas, le damn.
Frodo: But it's hard out there for a pimp, so I'll need help from my hommies.
Gandalf: Well sing how as I got you in to this, I guess I'll go.
Aragorn: And I have to go to save you girls from the giant kick-ass computer animated armies.
Legolas: The ring is pretty, therefore I shall go.
Gimli: If pretty-boy goes, I'm going.
Legolas: Damn.
Excessively Feminine Male Plan gang: Looks like somebody needs a makeover! We're coming too!
Boramir: Well I guess I have to go.
Elrond: Why? You're an ass.
Boramir: So I can screw everyone over and then die, which in turn creates more problems.
Elrond: I see.
Sam: Thou shall not depart without me!
Elrond: ...wtf?
Sam: I need to go so I can save Frodo's ass countless times throughout the next two movies, even though he becomes a bitch and then carry his lazy ass up Mt. Vesuvius.
Elrond: Well in that case...
Merry and Pippin: There's no way in the history of the world that you would get us to go.
Elrond: Here is your endless supply of beer.
Merry: I am SO there!
Pippin: Oooh! Oooh! Me too! Besides... I'm the smart one.
--Insert the scene where Pippin is loud and almost gets everyone killed--
Everyone: ...
Gandalf: Oh we are SO screwed.
Elrond: Whatever. Go, have fun...
Sam: Is that it?
Elrond: Remember, remember, the 5th of November.
Sam: What?
Elrond: ... The Matrix has you!! (runs away)
SO ANYWAY...back to the movie...
Awww. They're all so cute and ready to go on a quest of doom.
Elrond: Nine of you then? That's an odd number, but I guess its necessary so that you can break into 3 separate groups at the end of this movie and go in completely opposite directions after Gandalf is temporarily displaced from a state of being, Boramir dies and Merry and Pippin get carted off by Orcs, waisting copious amounts of time and effort and causing the need for a 3rd movie. Alas! You shall go! You will be faced with almost certain peril!
Boramir: What?
Elrond: Nothing. (eye shift)
Frodo: Uh, I think I changed my mind. I don't wanna go.
Elrond: No! Did I say almost certain peril? By that I mean... uh... after you go through the fields of sunshine... you, uh, get to the land of rainbows and butterflies...and everyone lives happily ever after... (eye shift)...yeah, that's it.
Gandalf: The land of rainbows? My home!!
Everyone: ...wtf?
Frodo: Well if there are butterflies...
Elrond: Alright. That statement was legally binding. If you'd all just sign these forms so in case one of you coughBoramircough dies, I can't be held liable.
Frodo: ...wait...
Elrond: ALRIGHTY THEN! There you go. There are nine of you. You are the Fellowship of the Bling and whatnot. Alright, have a good time. kthanxbye.
Pippin: When do we get that beer?
In a bedroom...
Bilbo: Here's a sword Frodo.
Frodo: Oooh! Shiny!
Bilbo: It turns into a lava lamp when Orcs are around.
Frodo: Sweet! But why a lava lamp? Why not a bean bag chair? Or a hemp necklace? And what is an Orc? How far is too far? Where are we going? Why is fire hot? What's your name? What's my name? Whats up my hizzle nizzle to the motha whaaaaa? What...
Bilbo: AND here is a shiny shirt.
Frodo: Ooooh... Why is it so shiny? What's it made out of? What is the meaning to life? Why is the sky blue? What if God was one of us? Who is Gene Simmons and what is Sweatin' to the Oldies? Why are you looking at me funny? Who...
Bilbo: My ring! So. pretty. Can I touch it?
Frodo: No.
Bilbo: (goes crazy)
Frodo: Damn! Back up off my shit dawg. With a g!
Apparently the Fellowship is too good for horses so they decide to walk all the way to hell and back. Good move.
Gandalf: We must go west for 40 days!
Gandalf really IS Moses!!
On some rocks... somewhere...
Gimli: Alas, I am lazy. Why can't we go through Moria so Pippin can be loud and almost gets us all killed? And so that Gandalf can be temporarily displaced from a state of being until the 2nd movie.
Gandalf: Not yet. I have to make this as difficult as possible.
HA! Boramir is being owned by people half his size.
Legolas is having a moment.
Frodo: Hey, there's a big black blob moving toward us really fast. Is that bad?
Legolas: It's the birds!
Aragorn: OMG! No! Hide!
Look at all the evil birds. Alfred Hitchcock would be proud.
Gandalf: To the Mountains!
Since Gandalf decided to be difficult, the Fellowship is being owned by the snow. Except for Legolas, because even the snow is deflected by his pretty, and Sam, because he is the supreme ruler of the universe.
Saruman and Gandalf still haven't resolved their issues. And now apparently Saruman controls the weather.
Gandalf: Ok fine... To the mines!!
At the mines...
Gandalf: Ok, we need to find a door that's invisible.
Merry: OK...
Wonder Woman: Found it!
Pippin: How?
Wonder Woman: The same way I find my invisible Wondership. I can see anything that's invisible.
Everyone: ...
Wonder Woman: For example, Harry Potter is over there under his cloak of invisibleness.
Harry Potter: Damn it!
Gandalf: Now how do we get in?
Hom Tanks: Well you see here, it's a riddle. A code.
Aragorn: And?
Hom Tanks: Well, according to this naked body lying hers, covered in Pegan symbols, there is an ancient brotherhood/society thing that holds the key. All we need is a cryptex, some documents stolen from the Vatican, the Louvre, and a pretty girl and were in business. Now, we will have to travel across Europe searching for clues, but not to worry. We'll have it all done within the next 24 hours.
Gandalf: (talking quietly into a cell phone in Italian) Yes, you have served the teacher well, Salais.
Sam: Uh, Gandalf?
Gandalf: What? (snaps the phone shut and glances around) ... I wasn't talking to my hired albino killer monk...Jeasus had a kid!
The church: (is pissy)
Frodo: What's this oddly shaped log with symbols singed into it?
Hom Tanks: Alas! According to my research, that brand was made by a secret organization and was stolen by the Templars. This means that Newton had an apple and that the Pope was murdered. This told me that the password to the cryptex was mustard and in the cryptex I found a grocery list written by DaVinci himself, pointing to a bunch of churches spread throughout Rome that contain magical beans that spelled out the next clue. With a mathematical equation, I discerned that Newton had his ears pierced and that Solomon liked to eat pie. I then followed the Angels pointing to the Demons and saw that the back of the Declaration of Independence had a map on it. With the help of Cicholas Nage , I found that Ben Franklin had sole glasses that could read a hidden message on a cereal box and it lead to a National hunt for a Treasure. The treasure led me to the Vatican where I flew in a helicopter, which means that the Mona Lisa was in fact, a painting, and that DaVinci did have a Code. With that information I opened another cryptex with the password tuna and found a map to the holy grail, but Monty Python already took it, which can only mean that the Last Supper had a girl in it, and therefore the password is the Elvish word for friend. Oh, and Gandalf is the teacher.
Gandalf: Hey now...
Frodo: Uh, Gandalf? Are you gonna say the password?
Gandalf: Oh right, Peaches.
A/N: So this is it. Hopefully you like it. If not, too bad. But we think you should. And reviewing would be amazing. Because that would make our day. And that is the single most important thing...eye shift... there may be baked goods involved...maybe... So, it would be great if you reviewed because this took like 4 hours to write and we're still not half way through the movie. So...REVIEW. Please and thank you. We heart you all.
Ciao.