Disclaimer: We do not own- The "Mona Lisa", Toucan Sam and Fruit Loops, The DaVinci Code, Pirates of the Caribbean, mythology, The "Last Supper", James Bond, romance novels, Rocky, the Wizard of Oz, the Red Sea, Egyptians, Devo, "Whip It", Queen, the ACT, Transformers, and BMWs.
We do own: Our freedom!! ....and Hypothetical Pirates
Its back up! They can take our stories but they can't take our freedom!!!
Alas, enjoy.
To Refresh…..
Hom Tanks: …which can only mean that the Last Supper had a girl in it, and therefore the password is the Elvish word for friend. Oh, and Gandalf is the teacher.
Gandalf: Hey now...
Frodo: Uh, Gandalf? Are you gonna say the password?
Gandalf: Oh right, Peaches.
Now back to the story, er, movie thing…
With the magical tones of Ian McGandalf, the doors to the pits of hell opened rather easily.
Merry: Le gasp
Pippin: Le shock
Apparently everyone is in a state of shock. This proves unfortunate when the giant Kraken-like squid thing comes busting out of the creepy ass lake right behind them. Too bad.
Frodo: Who ever though that the fact that the Mona Lisa was actually a painting meant that the password was peaches.
Boramir: Oh please. That is clearly the only logical answer. Come on now. Get with it Frodo.
Ian McGandalf lights the end of his staffy thingy so that everyone can see. How thoughtful.
Gimli: Welcome to Moria! Feast, drink and make general sounds of merriment!
Legolas: It's dirty.
Gimli: Your face is dirty.
Legolas: And there are like, dead things all over the place. I really don't think that that is all that sanitary.
Boramir: It's a tomb!
Everyone: (freaks out)
Legolas: Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Germs!
Gimli: Oh don't worry, it'll be fine further in. Besides, they're not dead, they're just sleeping.
Right. The axes and arrows in their heads are just there for decoration. It's a new line of sleepwear, by Kary Mate and Gashley.
Gimli: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! OOOOOOOOOO! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME? WHO COLUD HAVE DONE THIS? HOW? WHY? THEY'RE ALL DEAD! I CAN'T GO ON! I'LL NEVER LET GO! THEY'RE DEAD! DEAD, DEAD,DEAD,DEAD,DEAD,DEAD! WHA—
Cean Sonnery: (slap)
Gimli: gasp.
Cean Sonnery: PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN!
Gimli: (blink)
Cean Sonnery: ….It's Bond, James Bond.
-Insert appropriate theme song-
The world: ……….
Boramir: Cean Sonnery is here!? Run away!
Everyone runs back out of the mine, only to meet the giant Kraken-like squid thing. Clearly Boramir is someone to listen to for advice on where to go so you are the most likely to be maimed.
Kraken: Hi. I'm a giant squid thing. I like to eat people. Especially pirates. But nasty Hobbit feet were in my water! Ew. Feel my wrath Hobbits!
Hobbits: (feel the wrath)
Aragorn: Kar-a-tae chop!
Kraken: (feels the pain)
Gandalf: Ok, nevermind. Back into the mine!
The roof falls in. This may or may not be bad. I feel that it is bad.
Gandalf: Well, I guess we have to go this way. Sigh. Oh well, let's just hope that Pippin isn't loud or anything and almost gets us all killed. And I really hope that I don't have to fight a fire monster thing and have a dance off with him, leading to my untimely state of being temporarily displaced from a state of being. Because that would suck.
Aragorn: Fabulous! Let's go.
Everyone looks creeped put. And they're off through the deep and dark tunnels of Moria! Woot!
Alas! Three doors! Be amazed.
Gandalf: Ummm……
Time: (passes)
Gandalf: …ummm……. Where the hell am I?
Pippin: Are we lost?
Merry: No.
Pippin: I think we're lost.
Merry: No, Gandalf knows…he's just, thinking.
Pippin: About what?
Merry: Shhh.
Pippin: About chicken?
Merry: SHHH!
Pippin: I want chicken…
Frodo is once again having a moment. You think he'd get tired of them at some point, but he just keeps going. Like the Energizer bunny. He keeps going and going and going and going…
Frodo: Dude! Ian McGandalf, something's following us.
Gandalf: No shit.
Frodo: Oh…who is he?
Gandalf: It's Gollum. The bling has brought him. He has a love-hate relationship with the damn thing. Oh and he's a skitzo.
Frodo: Wonderful.
Gandalf: He's crazy, fool.
Frodo: Why didn't Bilbo-hizzle kill him?
Gandalf: Pity.
Frodo: Oh.
Gandalf: Besides, Gollum still has to lead you and Sam to Mordor after you ditch us all, where you become a whiny ass and tell Sam-who-is-so-much-better-than-you to leave and you almost get eaten by a giant radioactive spider but then Sam-the-amazing comes back and saves your ass and you go to the mountain of doom and Gollum bites your finger off.
Frodo: Oh…. I don't want the ring anymore! Wish the ring had ever come to me. Bitch, whine, bitch, bitch, cry.
Gandalf: Oh come on. Stop being such a pessimist. You just have to go though the very pits of hell. How bad can that be? Deal with it.
Frodo: (is bitter)
Gandalf: Oh, we go that way.
Merry: See, I knew he knew.
Gandalf: No, this way just smells prettier. Like my good friend Toucan Sam always says, "Follow your nose wherever it goes!"
-Insert appropriate Fruit Loops commercial-
Gandalf: Alas. A city.
Pippin: It doesn't look like a city.
Gandalf: It is damn it!
Everyone is once again is shock. They all look happy too. Really people. Enjoy it while you can.
Pippin: Look! A door! Perhaps there are more dead people in there.
Gimli: NOOOOOOO! WHY CRUEL WORLD? WHY? THIS IS SO HORRIBLE! THEY'RE ALL DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEA-
Aragorn: (slap)
Gimli: Ow.
Gandalf: Oh! Lookie! A book! Let's read shall we, "Antonio then brushed his big, tan hands across her soft, pale…" Whoa.... Wrong book. Here we go, "I have fallen and I can't get up. We are trapped in a room and we can't get out. Oh damn, we are screwed…" Wow. Hooked on Phonics really does work!
Pippin: Ooooh! A cobweb covered dead person sitting very close to the edge of this well. Hmm. I bet if I tough this, the head will fall off and create lots of noise leading to all of us almost getting killed and creates a situation where Gandalf is temporarily displaced from a state of being… or it could just be gas. Touchy!
Dead Guy's Body: (falls down the well)
Gandalf: Quoi?
Noise: (is loud)
Gandalf: You fool! What the hell?! I mean really! Now you've made the noise and we are soon almost going to be killed, followed closely by me being temporarily displaced from a state of being!
Pippin: (is salty)
Has anyone ever noticed that it's always Pippin who screws everyone over? The whole body falling down the well thing in this movie and then the thing with the glass orb thing in the third movie. I did.
Drum: (beat, beat)
Everyone: Le damn.
Frodo: Hey, um, my sword is blue. Is that bad?
Legolas: Orcs!
Boramir gets shot by arrows….no, not really…........yet.
Everybody is getting ready to fight. It's so quaint.
Gimli: You gotta fight, for the right, to par-tay!
If you pause the movie at this exact moment, Gimli looks like a crazy person. Like really. Do it. Now.
Legolas and Aragorn kick the Orcs asses.
Orcs: We are ugly. Feel our wrath!
Boramir: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!
Apparently Boramir is auditioning for the role of crazy pirate man #43 in Hypothetical Pirates of the Caribbean. He doesn't get it.
Legolas: You orcs are ugly and you smell bad so therefore you must die.
Troll enters, stage left.
Everyone: Shit.
Troll: Hello, I am Troll. I am big. I will break you.
Boramir gets owned by the troll and dies…except not.
Merry and Pippin: Here Frodo, hide in the corner. That will completely and utterly save you.
Ha! Now Legolas is owning the troll. Because that's what Legolas does.
Sam is using kitchenware to beat the trolls. This is because Sam is amazing.
Frodo: Aragorn! Save me for I am a piece of crap and can do nothing to save myself.
The troll owns Aragorn and is now wielding a giant knife.
Frodo: Damn.
Frodo gets stabbed by the knife and everyone freaks out and attacks the troll with a passionate vengeance.
Merry and Pippin: Feel the Hobbit wrath, troll!
Sam: FRODOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MY LOVE!
Aragorn: (raises his eyebrow)
Sam: I mean- MY VERY GOOD AND NOT LOVER FRIEND! NOOOOOO!
Frodo: (doesn't move)
Sam: NOOOOOOOO!
Frodo: (isn't dead)
Everyone: w00t!
Sam: Frodo! You're not dead!
Frodo: really? I hadn't noticed. Honestly people, you all need to chill.
More orcs: (are coming)
Gandalf: Quick! To the bridge of my temporary demise!
The Fellowship becomes encircled by orcs.
Gandalf: Damn.
Caitlin: The Orcs remind be of the flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz.
Kelsey: ….
Caitlin: Da dun da da da da dun. Da dun da da da da. Daaaaaa!
Kelsey: Uhh…..
Caitlin: I'll get you my pretty. And your little dog too! Ahahhahahaah!
Kelsey: Riiiight.
Fire Monster! Woot!
Ew. Everyone is sweaty and gross. Except for Legolas. He is never dirty.
Pippin: What is that coming toward us?
Gandalf: It's a Balrog. It's an ancient demon. Aka, we're screwed.
Pippin: Is that bad?
Gandalf: …it's a demon.
Pippin: Oh that's nice.
Gandalf: Now that I've wasted copious amounts of time, RUN!
Boramir falls off a cliff and dies… not really.
Gandalf: Go ahead. The bridge of my temporary demise is just ahead.
Legolas has kick ass aim.
Ok. If it were me, I would have thrown Frodo, the one they need to keep alive, across the gaping hole before it got bigger and he almost died. But that's just me.
Caitlin: Why is there suddenly fire everywhere?
Kelsey: Um, FIRE monster maybe?
Ok, so everyone gets across the bridge except for Gandalf. He thinks it would be cool to just stand in the middle of the bridge and wait for his temporary demise. Way to go Galdalf.
Gandalf: I think I'm gonna face the giant fire monster all by myself.
Fire monster: Grrrrrrrrrr!
Gandalf: YOU CANNOT PASS!
Fire monster: You shall die by fire now!
Gandalf: Your face is fire.
Monster: Actually…
Gandalf: Bitch…
Monster: Oh no you did not. (gets out fire whip)
Devo: Whip it! Whip it good!
Frodo: Gandalf!! (in a girly voice)
Monster: Arrrrrrrrr!
Gandalf: You are no hypothetical pirate! YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
And the waters of the Red Sea closed in on the fire monster and the Egyptians.
Gandalf: Whelp. That went relatively well. And I didn't even get temporarily displaced from a state of being-
Fire whip: (owns Gandalf)
Gandalf: le damn.
Frodo: Gandalf, NO! (again in a girly voice)
Gandalf: Well I guess I'll see you all in the second movie.
Frodo: I'll never let go Gandalf! I'll never let go!
Gandalf: Sigh.
Gandalf: (falls)
Frodo: Gandalf! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
They are really pretty much screwed. Or so they think. Ok, they really are. For now.
Slo-mo sequence with people crying.
Caitlin: Ok, seriously. How come Legolas comes through all of that with only three smudges on his face?
Aragorn: Gandalf is dead. Let's go.
Boramir: Give us a minute to cry like the girls that we all are.
Aragorn: …wow. Frodo, come on.
Frodo: Leave me alone! I'm bitter! I need black nail polish of the blacker-than-a-black-hole-in-the-dark kind. (sulk)
Moving on…..In Lothlorian…
Aragorn: Alas, Lothlorian.
Gimli: Scary lady lives here. Be afraid.
Frodo is hearing voices. Oh great, now he's going crazy. Lovely.
Elf Man: The dwarf is loud. We are pretty. You are dirty. You will be judged! Follow me!
Elf places are all really pretty. I suppose that's because they are elf places.
Elves hate dwarves, dwarves hate elves. It's a deep ceded hatred. It started over ketchup. If you have to ask, you'll never know.
Aragorn and Elf Man: (bicker)
Elf Man: Follow me (hair flip)
I think elf man is the guy who brings all the elves to Helm's Deep in the second movie. None of you may know what I am talking about right now for I have the Special Extended edition of this movie and you do not.
Up in a tree…
Celebron: You all fail at life. Where's Gandalf?
Galadriel: He was temporarily displaced from a state of being.
Celebron: Sigh. You are screwed.
Galadriel: Now I shall read your minds! Feel the wrath of my stare Boramir!
Boramir: (feels the wrath)
Galadriel: Go sleep!
By water… somewhere…………..
Aragorn: Dude, Boramir, you look bad. What's up?
Boramir: I felt the wrath of the stare. She told me Gondor will fall, my dad will go crazy because I die and he'll try to kill my brother and Gandalf will have to kick his ass to save Gondor! The apparently, after two huge battles and the fall of Mordor, you are crowned king! She says there is hope left for Gondor but I don't see it!
Aragorn: Dude… I become king? ……Sweet!
Later………..
Aragorn: King, king! I become king!
Much later………..
Aragorn: …Oh I just can't wait to be king! (running around the savannah with various African wildlife)
Ok, way, way later………..
Aragorn: (dreams about being king)
Galadriel: Come with me Frodo.
Frodo: (is sleeping)
Galadriel: Frodo. Come to my secret garden.
Frodo: (is still sleeping)
Galadriel: Frodo. FRODO!
Frodo: Bitch! I am trying to sleep!
Galadriel: FOLLOW ME DAMN IT! Or feel the wrath of my stare.
Frodo: Sigh.
Galadriel: Look into the mirror. You will see stuff.
Frodo: What will I see? Why did you wake me up? Who are you anyway? Where are your shoes? Who wears short shorts? What is Lothlorian? Where is the love? Why is grass green? Is-
Galadriel: Frodo!
Frodo: Seriously, would someone lego my ego? Why does everything taste like chicken? Does beef taste like chicken? How about cheese? Do I taste like chicken? What does chicken taste like? What's your name? What's my name? Wha-
Galadriel: SHUT UP! Just look in the damn mirror.
Frodo: But it's water, not a mirror.
Galadriel: Just look at it!
Frodo: Ooooh Shiny!
Frodo sees some stuff and whatnot.
Frodo: OMG! That's horrible!
Galadriel: I have seen what you saw.
Frodo: Oh great. So now you can read my mind AND see what I see. I don't want the ring anymore! You take it!
Galadriel: Idk, my bff ron? It would make me the pretty-est and most powerful-est queen EVER!
Queen: Watch it.
Frodo: ….
Galadriel: (turns green and metallic)
Frodo: …….
Apparently Galadriel is a Transformer. She can turn into a BMW.
Galadriel: (normal again) I got a 36 on my ACT, I passed the test. I shall go off to the west and such. Le sigh.
Frodo: I've changed my mind. I think I'll keep the ring.
Galadriel: Go sleep! And leave me to my bitterness.
Frodo: She still never told me what chicken tastes like.
Note: So. There. Its been awhile but we're back! ...For the moment at least... so...... REVIEW! S'il vous plait.
Merci!!