The End of the World

as we know it. When everything turns upside down, the boys are hard-pressed to stop it. Kenny's rich, Kyle's failing, Stan is gay, and Cartman's - nice???
Rated M for language and later drama

Chapter One - A Lotto' Bad Puns

Kenny POV

I think I nearly crapped myself when I saw that lady walk out on stage -
She was just that hot!

HUGE tits falling out of a barely there dress which sparkled like the rays of heaven, curly windswept blonde hair which added little to conceal said breasts, and these beautiful, bright blue eyes which were big, luscious, and round, and only drew more attention to her face and to what was below it, making it impossible for any sane-straight man not to scream at the top of his lungs,

"WOW those breasts are huge!"

Of course, the one person I happened to be watching with was by no means a sane-straight man. He was a crazy, though platonically lovable gay guy, with the same interest in breasts that I have in monogamy.

"Kenny!" he whispers loudly. "Shut up - she's about to announce the numbers!" His blue puff-ball hat is askew, and his hair is disheveled, as is his demeanor.

I snort and smile jokingly. "Geez - PMSy much, Stan?"

I silently wonder, "Maybe he is," as he glares at me and turns back to the t.v. From the corner of his mouth he mumbles angrily, "Dude... you know we need this money."

He sounds so serious, almost like he's upset, which is really bad cause I'm about to laugh. I bite down hard on my lower lip and just barely hold it in, but honestly, what a "duh" sort of thing to say - when haven't I needed money? And, better yet, since when does Stan need the money? Sports pretty much paid in full to give him a scholarship here to crappy South Park U. No, it's not him that needs the money, and in a greater sense it's not even me. And he knows it. And I know it. And he knows I know it, and I know he knows it, and -

Eh, whatever. That's too confusing - I'm gonna go back to watching some breasts!

Yeah, I know that we're not going to win, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy the free porn which comes before the downfall. I've been doing the lotto all of my life, and the most I've ever won is another ticket. But might as well let Stan retain his fantasy of keeping his "boyfriend" safely saddled in school. If he wants to play the hero then that's fine with me, so long as he doesn't pull another "Mysterion."

Suddenly, something pulls on my shoulder. "Kenny - get your ticket!" it shouts.

I arise from my stupor feeling dazed and confused, and inaudibly mumble, "Huh?"

Turning my gaze upward, I focus in on what the talking boobs are saying and realize that the first number has already been announced. Knowing it's pointless but that Stan will kill me if I don't, I pull out my ticket and look at the first number - An 8. Like a figure 8. Like an hourglass figure. Like a -

Wait.

I tune in again and am in for a shock - I'm pretty sure that the talking boobs just said 8! "Well," I think. "There's a strange coincidence. I never gets any of these numbers..."

The second number is announced, and sure enough, it's a bright red 5. 5, as in 5 fingers. As in 5 finger-licking good french-

"F*cks!"

Stan stares at me in surprise as I stare at my card in even greater surprise. "Kenny? What is i-" I shush him. My eyes do not leave my card as the third number comes - It's a 0.

0, as in the number of dollars I expected to win from this card. As in the third number on said card. Stan scoots over and I hear him gasp lightly; his own card lies long forgotten on the floor as we hold our breathes.

"...6." My blonde goddess calls sweetly. 6 as in... oh hell I don't even know anymore! But it's on my card, and so's the next number - a 9. A bright and unexpected glowing nine. ... Well there's plenty of things I can say about that, but I don't even bother saying a one. I don't think I can speak. Stan's looking all vomity - there's one number left, and we both cross our fingers. He looks over towards me and I look towards the screen; neither of us notices the door slowly creak open nor the sound of footsteps walking towards us. It's all about the screen, all about the prize. I'm barely even paying attention to the woman anymore.

Someone calls something in from the doorway, and for all I know at that moment, we're being robbed. But it doesn't matter, because my soon-to-be-bride is speaking. She's saying a number.

She's saying my number.

It's a 4. A glorious 4. As in... as in... aww holy crap we just won! Stan yelps in joy, and says something oddly like "Bingo!" before being drowned out by my own

"Woohoo!"

We both jump to our feet and then jump up and down. My ticket just won us more money than I knew existed! "Guys..." a voice timidly starts. But I don't hear the rest as I run for the phone.

I seriously feel like a coked-up Charlie, like I've just found my golden ticket to the moon and beyond. "Eh!" Someone calls behind me.

"Up yours you beautiful fat ass!"

I've never been this happy before, never knew that some random woman could bring me such joy!... Actually scratch that. But still, this is amazing! Who knew this crap actually happened?!

I hear Stan wistfully telling the others what just happened, followed by Cartman's "...Seriously?" and Kyle's "No way, Stan... no way..."

I smile at them from the kitchen as I dial the number my dad made me memorize all those years ago. "Just in case, Kenny," he had said.

"Just in case you hit it big one day."

"It's true guys!" I call out grinning, giddy with joy like some horny schoolgirl. I lift the phone to my ear and prepare to speak - but no one answers. There is no sound.

"What the f*ck?" I say aloud, making sure that I haven't gone deaf or died- that would make sense, to gain one thing and lose another. But my hearing is working - the phones just not.

The others are talking ecstatically in the room beside me, and I can hear Kyle shout in shock of something, "What the hell?!" Yep - I'm definitely not deaf. But I'm screwed if this phone won't work!

And then I remember; it hits me suddenly - they cut off our phone over two weeks ago. Back when we used our extra money to help pay Kyle's newest bills. Meaning that I can't call in to claim my money from this one. I could use a payphone, but I have no money. Irony, no money to get money. And all the other apartments are empty - we were the only ones stupid enough to stay over break. Meaning I'm not getting this money without using someone's cell phone, but...

"Aw shit." I think, as I realize the obvious. "Karma, you really suck."

Out of the four of us, only one has a cell phone, and he's laughing obnoxiously loud as if he know what I'm about to ask. And knowing him, he's not just gonna hand it over.

He always wants something first.