Author's notes: An angsty Valentine's Day one-shot, featuring a young Renae. I can't say I actually care about the day in real life, especially since everyone goes insane (insaner) at school, and there are a lot of embarrassing questions (at least they seem embarrassing to me). This is my shortest story yet, and I'm sort of glad that I am possible of writing something short. Valentine's Day by Linkin Park is the theme song for this fic, and a basket full of inspiration. Read carefully *hinthint*. I salute Linkin Park for giving us such wonderful music. Last, I apologise to those who are waiting for the next chapter of Shadow of Secrets. I got writer's block, and I have thousands of other ideas floating around in my head. But I will get around to finishing the next chapter ASAP.
Valentine's Day
The white-hot, yet numbing pain swirled in me, making me gasp. My eyes closed of their own accord. It was maddening that I was still affected this badly. I shook my head in denial. My tribe was my weakness.
Underneath the hardened exterior, I'm sure every Ashlander is eroding slowly. So many dead. Friends, family. . . loved ones who we will never see again until we join our ancestors. So many had been taken from me. My older sister, my younger brother, my baby sister, my father and the one who held my heart. Every death leaves a scar, every scar hurts until time numbs all feeling except coldness. How my – any Urshilaku's – heart can still beat, still feel emotions is beyond me. And those filthy outlanders wonder why we are so grim? My lip curled in disgust as a single tear slipped from my eye and I jerked up.
No.
Ashlander custom states that we may not grieve what we have lost. Or at least, don't let it show. I opened my eyes, which dilated in response to the shadows. I looked around the tomb, trying to keep my eyes off the coffin in front of me. Unsurprisingly, there was ash everywhere. By Azura, if my ancestors are watching they probably think I'm weak, moping after someone I will never see again.
Sighing, my stinging eyes turned back to the empty grave. It was merely a marker, as his burned remains had been scattered on the wind, like most Ashlanders wished for when they died.
I glanced down at my tribute – a hollowed kwama egg that had been decorated with ancient verses. We used to love making those together. A small, bitter smile graced my features. My head bowed once more, and then I turned and nearly ran out of the tomb.
I opened the plain door, and immediately I was buffeted by a dry, heartless wind. The tear on my cheek evaporated, taking some of my soul with it. Normally I enjoyed the wind whipping around me, throwing my hair around, but not today. It had greedily claimed all the remains of what I held dear. It had continually stolen physical and emotional things from me and soon there would be nothing left.
Looking up, I tried to remember what the sky looked like, how the sun felt on your skin. But the clouds of ash had not dissipated for a long time, and my imagination didn't have much inspiration.
Now those familiar clouds felt caging, pressing down on me, taking away my freedom.
I stared at the desolate Ashlands. Home. There was no sign to guide the way, no path. The shrieking wind had wiped away my footprints. I felt like this landscape. I was here, existing, but I had no path. There wasn't anything to live for. But I was here, trapped by an honour code and my own obstinacy. I was still here.
There was a difference, though. While I knew the land around here like the palm of my hand, my life was a different tale.
I picked up my spear from where I had left it; I trudged aimlessly, knowing that I had to put myself back together before I could enter my tribe's camp.
We used to play on those rocks over there, boldly clambering up them and jumping onto the backs of guars. We were fools, little more than children forced to grow up before our time yet still trying to hold on childish dreams. One time he sprained an ankle and we had to get back, but there was an kagouti coming to investigate. My head shook. I still have no idea how we managed to escape that one. I said he was the hero for distracting it, while he said I was the hero for landing the death-blow.
Slowly I made my way in the camp's general direction. I wouldn't reach it for about an hour at this pace.
We had climbed atop that ridge over there, talking and laughing. Then when darkness descended, we had laid back and watched the stars on one of those rare cloudless nights. It would never happen again, he would never stand beside me again. Never hold me again.
I sighed. A year ago today was the day he asked me to marry him. And the day he lost his life.
Why was he taken from me?! What did we do to deserve this? Desolation swept over me, a cold abyss.
Never in my life have I felt so alone.
~.~.~
My insides all turn to ash, so slow
And blew away as I collapsed, so cold
A black wind took them away, from sight
And held the darkness over day, that night
And the clouds above move closer
Looking so dissatisfied
But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing
I used to be my own protection, but not now
'Cause my path has lost direction, somehow
A black wind took you away, from sight
And held the darkness over day, that night
And the clouds above move closer
Looking so dissatisfied
And the ground below grew colder
As they put you down inside
But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing
So now you're gone
And I was wrong
I never knew what it was like
To be alone
On a Valentine's Day
~.~.~
Author's notes again: So, I decided to put the lyrics at the end for those too lazy to look them up. I don't own any of Linkin Park's songs, nor do I intend any copyright infringement. Also, what's really cruel is that I can imagine an Aedra or a Daedra (either one would work) purposely making Rae's love die so she would later move away to explore more of Morrowind, and thus eventually make it to Cyrodiil.