Chapter One
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She looked up as her hero came running to her, his red cap bright in the dark dungeon. "Mario!"
"It'sa me, Mario!" called Mario.
Peach felt kind of let down, watching him run towards her. His mustache flapped ridiculously, his cap was bouncing around on his head like a sugar high koopa, and his flabby belly was jiggling. Not to mention what he was wearing. Those darned overalls. Those darned color-contrasting overalls.
"Mario! Thank goodness! Bowser just left for caramel frappachinos, so let's go!"
Peach looked down at him. Gosh, he was short.
"Princess, don'ta worry your pretty little head, Tulipana. It'sa me! Mario!"
Peach smiled politely. "Yes, it'sa you. Now we should go."
"NOT SO FAST!" A big, mutant (yet not teenaged) ninja turtle fell from the rafters in the ceiling. He handed Peach a frappachino, then turned to Mario.
"Mario, I thought you'd come. I will not hand my Princess Peach to you so easily!"
Mario's eyebrows bristled. "Ooooh, you make-a me so mad!"
"Let's fight, you mustachioed hero! Only not here, there's not enough head room for me. Let's fight on top of this shoddy bridge that hangs over a lava pit!"
"Okey-dokey!"
Mario and Bowser began their fight. Bowser spat a long string of flame, which Mario dodged. Mario pulled a red spotted mushroom from his pocket and popped it into his mouth. His eyes became glazed, and he giggled stupidly as he grew to a larger size. Mario jumped on Bower's shell, launching into the air. Mario took a bite out of a tulip in midair, which strangely gave him the power to spit flaming loogies. Mario quickly spat a flaming loogie at Bowser's head. Bowser staggered, exposing the soft underside of his shell. Mario kicked a conveniently placed koopa shell at Bowser's belly and Bowser fell to the ground. Mario butt-slid past Boswer and stepped on a prominent switch, and the bridge collapsed. Bowser fell into the red-hot lava. All in all, it was over very quickly.
"Mario!! Curses!" Bowser bubbled from the lava.
Peach peared over the edge of the pit and wondered, "Why is lava even here? And whoever thought to put the switch for the bridge right there? What unintelligent design."
Mario sipped one of the frappachinos Boswer had left behind. "Who cares?" He slurped down the rest of his coffee, belching rudely and throwing the paper cup over his shoulder. "Now, Bambolina... Reward your hero!" He puckered his lips and stuck his face as high as he could into the air, reaching towards Peach. She winced at his chapped lips and the coffee's froth on his mustache.
"Listen, Mario..."
"Pescalina, I worked-a so hard to get-a here! Koopa, spikes, Goombas, flames! Everything! Just-a to save you! Mi bacia! Kiss-a me!"
"Mario..."
Mario whined, "Kiss-a me! Kiss-a meeeeee!"
That did it. Peach had had enough.
"No! I will not kiss you. You didn't do any real work to get here! Let's see, you jumped on some turtles, you hit some switches, you kicked some koopa shells. Oooh, sounds SO hard!"
"I beat-a Bowser!"
Peach flung her arms into the air. "You stepped on a switch. The bridge beat Bowser, not you, you idiot plumber."
"What-a you say!?!"
"You. Idiot. Plumber! You're not a real hero! You're a plumber! You don't actually fight! Where's your sword? Where's your magical staff? Where's your muscles!"
Mario crossed his arms. "I do too fight-a!"
"Yeah, you jump around, you slide on your butt, you spit flaming phlegm like some kind of barbarian, and you kick a few shells. Where's your dignity! You hit your head on bricks all day long! Other video game heros kick real butt! Have you seen some of them? Look how you are compared to them!"
"Principessa! You do not-a see my power-ups?!"
"You eat tulips!! You eat a tulip and change color! That's not even natural! And don't even get me started on your mushroom addiction!"
"I-I am not addicted! I can stop at any time I want-a!"
"That's what you said the LAST time Bowser kidnapped me! And the time before that, and the time before that! But no, every time you need to be stronger, you just whiff some spores, and all of a sudden you think you're Superman. That's how it's been every single time Bowser's kidnapped me, and nothing's changed. Come to think of it, how many times have I been kidnapped by him! How many times!?"
Mario counted on his gloved fingers. "Un, due, tre, quattro..."
"Well?" Peach demanded.
Mario looked up sheepishly. "...I don't-a have enough fingers."
"Exactly. You're the worst hero ever. I'm tired of being captured by a freak turtle, sitting in a disgusting dungeon, then having to wait for you, of all people, to come save me. No more!"
Peach dumped her iced coffee over Mario's head and stormed away. Mario stood still, in shock, with coffee dripping off him.
As Peach walked through the dungeon, skeleton Koopas tried to bar her way, but her fiery glare made them tremble in terror. Later, they would swear they saw flames in her eyes comparable to Bowser's breath when he was angry. Peach stomped up the stairs, the sound of her high heels echoing loudly in Mario's stunned ears.
"....Oh no, she didn't!" he exclaimed.