A/N

I'm really sorry! I haven't written for months... I promise I'll finish this story. I've always hated reading stories when an author had no intention of finishing it. And I do plan on finishing this! Now, on a more important note, this chapter is from Hitsu's point of view. It's a bit short, however I think the next chapter will be longer. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Heart of Ice

Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are, and what they ought to be ...

I envied them.

It was always simply amazing to me that the people beside me led such a carefree life. I always thought that the smile on my face was genuine, that the freedom I felt was real. But really, looking back on it, I know that's not how I felt at all. I think that smile that I showed to everyone was just a mask I placed on my face from the very beginning and over time I simply forgot it's true nature. I wanted to believe that being in a place where everyone was always laughing would change who I was, but even from the very beginning, I knew it wasn't true. That freedom I felt was just a trick I was trying to play on myself. And it worked ... for a little while. But soon even that feeling faded away and left me feeling cold. It left me feeling lonely even when I was with the others and even the person who always stayed beside me couldn't make it go away. From the moment when even Hinamori's light couldn't make the numbness go away, that was when I lost hope. That was when I knew I would be lost forever.

Being an orphan is rather strange really. Everyone I lived with was an orphan and yet, they were bound by a common link that I didn't have. They could understand each other's feelings and emotions because they were truly the same. They all had similar stories ... the one you always hear about in Soul Society. You see, it's very rare to find a child with a story other than that one. So, it wouldn't make any sense to assume otherwise. But, I didn't arrive in Soul Society in the same fashion that they did. I didn't live the same life that they did. And I sure as heck didn't come here in the same way that they did. I had a past. A very desperate past where I'd do anything to survive. The kind of life I lived was something that no kid in safe sectors of Soul Society can imagine. So I couldn't understand them and they couldn't understand me. Even if I was normal, we'd never understand each other. What really frustrates me is that if I was normal, even though I had that kind of background, even though I had done things that no child should ever have done, Hinamori and I could have continued living our happy life. From the moment our eyes met in that rainy back alley, it was like magic. There was no fear in those eyes, no distrust, no hesitation at all. There was an instant connection between us, an invisible link that I have yet to discover that held us captive to it. Captive to the feeling that we couldn't let go of, spellbound to the way we were instantly bonded together. This was the day my life exploded. Sometimes we are given an opportunity, a chance, an opening-call it what you want-to walk a different path. That was mine-I would have thrown away my left leg to spend only the next day with her. But I was lucky enough to have years with her. When I was with her, I was safe. Her presence surrounded me: all her love and trust and emotions: they were protecting me, creating a barrier to anything bad-and he couldn't touch me.

Maybe I thought that it had gone away. Whatever I thought, I continued on with life. I experienced a real childhood, I met and played with other kids on a regular basis-it was so normal that one might call it dull. But it wasn't dull to me, I took in the life surrounding me believing that I had a second chance at things. I always ignored it-that little voice in the depths of my soul that told me to run away, to protect them-that it wasn't over. But I ignored it, fascinated by my new life, thinking and believing that whatever darkness possessed me before had vanished, only to understand later that it just grew silent, lying dormant within me until it spawned back to life, tearing my life apart. I knew then … and yet I did nothing. I wanted to believe! I wanted to believe that it was gone, that I was as good as the girl next to me who was always facing forward. I wanted to believe that I was strong enough to protect her-to protect all of them. I wanted so many things for them, none of which I could give. I could never repay the kindness they all showed me-and never in a million years can I take back what I did to them. I can't take back that moment. I can't forgive myself for not walking away from them-for putting them in harm's way due to my own selfishness. I knew that it would happen-I knew that something would happen that I couldn't take back. I thought I had control... but my control lessened over time. And by the time I realized that I didn't have control-it was already too late. Too late for me, too late for her, too late for them. I couldn't control my own body anymore. The more I resisted what was inside of me, the less control I had. His consciousness-his thoughts-they dominated control over me. I couldn't control him and therefore I couldn't control myself. Anything could set me off-and when Hinamori looked at me with eyes full of dread, I just lost it. I couldn't even begin to understand what the consequences of my actions that day would be.

It wasn't until I had woken up 3 days later that I understood what had come to pass. It wasn't until after that moment that I had violently thrown Hinamori out of that room, after the moment that I had frozen half of the house in thick sheets of ice, it wasn't until then that balance of power within me shifted. It wasn't until then that I came back into a sane state of mind. It was then that I realized what I had done. And it was also then when I realized that the person that I loved most, the person who would never let me fade alone into darkness was lying just outside the door... seemingly lifeless.

It was the first time I had drowned in such an overwhelming emotion. It was the first moment I ever truly wanted to die. If the pain I felt before then was agony, then the pain I felt at that moment was the deepest amount of suffering ever imaginable. From the heart of ice, I howled in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Even now, I find it very difficult to find the words to describe it. I was drowning, falling into hatred of myself. I never understood love until that moment. I knew then, that the feelings we felt really were genuine. She loved me and I love her: that never changed. That love just couldn't get through anymore. It was the only way for her to reach me, the only way to feel my pain, the only way she had left to show me that she really did love me. That even if the sky was falling, the two of us wouldn't fall along with it. We'd always stay together, whether in death or in life. That was what she showed me that day... and what I still remember as vividly as if it happened yesterday. The pain is still fresh in my heart-the memory of how close I was that day to losing her.

Little did I know that my powerful psychic blast was felt sectors away in Seireitei-that help was on its way. Little did I know that Hinamori was far from gone-that we were more alike than I ever thought possible. Little did I know that this was only the start of something much larger than myself. I never knew it back then, but my trials and tribulations up to that point was just the tip of the iceberg of what was going to happen-that it was only the beginning of a much larger emotional struggle. It would also be the beginning of our separation-and that when Hinamori and I saw each other next, everything would be different.