Alexander/Hephaistion Alphabet Challenge: "C is for Confession"
Title: Confession
Fandom(s): Alexander/Hephaistion
Pairing(s): Hephaistion/Alexander, Alexander/Bagaos, Hephaistion/OMC (sort of)
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Own nothing and nothing is true. All events are purely fictitious.
Warning(s): M/m slash, angst, fluff,
Word-count: 4,460
Note: Written for bi-weekly Alexander Alphabet Challenge. Please understand that my writing falls more to the emotional side than the historical and it is not my intention to offend anybody with that fact.
I had seen the man many times when I'd walked in to the market in town. He owned a blacksmith shop and I had spoken to him about having something special made for my beloved. The man told me his name was Zarek and that I was free to speak in Greek to him since he was very familiar with the language.
Zarek brought up a lot of feelings in me that I had not had in a long time. It's entirely possible that I had not ever had those feeling for anyone other than Alexander. Zarek was tall and broad and strong. He was intelligent and could carry a conversation ranging from what the best metal to use in a sword was to where to buy the best spices in the market.
When I visited his shop, Zarek did most of the talking. He liked to talk and he talked excessively about women. No matter what we were discussing, it always seemed to come back to women. He talked of how they dressed and how they wore their hair and which ones in his life would make him the best wife or would breed him the strongest and finest children. I knew right from the start that it was all just an act, a falsity to hide his real preference which was for men and, more precisely, it appeared was for me.
I have always been pursued. I have been pursued by men and women, by young and old, by soldier and merchant. But I believe the only one I have ever pursued is Alexander. My beloved is the only one who took hold of my heart and my soul and made them one with his and I had never let that falter - until that day.
***
The history between Alexander and I had always been tumultuous, being that we were both stubborn and arrogant in our own way, but also loving. It had been heart-warming but lonely. And lately, I had been finding myself alone more often than not. I had certainly never blamed my beloved for my loneliness for I knew he had the world upon his shoulders. He was King and it was something I had always accepted. I always knew he loved me and that our hearts would never be torn apart but suddenly my feelings had begun to change. I began to blame him for my loneliness, for my despair, for my yearning heart. I began to see more clearly how possessive he was of me while I was forced to stand quietly by and watch him do as he pleased.
Babylon was the worst. It was in Babylon that my Alexander became obsessed with the eunuch. The eunuch that he unabashedly dragged around the palace with him, rubbing him in the noses of all around us but most especially, rubbing him in my open wounds. The eunuch was present for meals, sitting either beside his master or on the floor at his feet or in some circumstances where Alexander had completely lost his bearings, on his lap. I was made to sit at the same table with the mere child who I knew had taken my place in my lover's bed and I was expected to remain silent about it and allow my King to do as he pleased, as usual. And I did, until I met Zarek.
The Babylonian raised something inside me that I thought had long been dormant or more precisely, feelings that I had only ever felt for Alexander. He brought lust into my heart. He made me notice how other men looked and smelled and wanted me. He was never forthcoming in his pursuit. He never openly admitted that he wanted me in his bed, that he wanted to kiss me, that he wanted to be inside my body. It was mostly in his actions. He would touch my shoulder to show me something or brush his thigh against mine while we were sitting, indulging in a cup of wine. But the real pursuit was in his eyes. I had never met another man or woman, who could make me blush with a single look. Who could take my breath away with the simple wink of an eye. I had only ever felt and reacted in that way with Alexander.
And though this man was not Alexander, in many ways he was. He was strong and arrogant and successful. He was intelligent and thoughtful and loyal to those around him. What Zarek was not though, was demanding and easily bored. He was not hurried or complicated or in need of constant stimulation. And most importantly, Zarek was not the King with the weight of the world on his shoulders.
***
I opened my eyes to a beautiful day in Babylon. The sun was shining as usual but the whole world just seemed brighter and hopeful. Alexander had promised to spend the entire day with me and no one else. He had planned a horse trip for only the two of us, and a couple of guards, of course. We were to enjoy nature and each other, something we had not done at all since the eunuch came into our lives.
I dressed carefully, partially braiding my hair in the manner I knew my beloved preferred. I had shined my boots and put on a clean chiton and I was ready for my day with my love. Rounding the corner to the dining hall I could hear laughing and I judged that it was a good day for many and not just for myself. I could not have been more wrong.
The dining hall was empty except for two people. The laughter I had heard was not the laughter of joy or the laughter of companionship. It was the laughter of a very drunk King with a eunuch knelt at his feet using his mouth for things unbecoming to a dining area. Alexander's head was thrown back, his hands gripping the eunuch's head and he was laughing. He was laughing in a way that only those that are drunk out of their minds can laugh.
I sucked in my breath and squared my shoulders as I turned and prepared to walk back out the way I came but I was too late. "Phai!" the man yelled using the name he only used when we were alone. "Phai! Come. Have some wine." I turned back and looked him in his very unfocused eyes. "Now come on, Phai. Don't give me that look. Bagoas is just performing his duties to his King, surely you can talk to me while he finishes up."
I had never before been so humiliated. I lived daily with whispers behind my back of how I was the king's boy and the king's whore but none of those words ever cut me to the quick and mutilated my soul like the words and actions of the man I loved at that very moment.
"I have come to tell you that I shall be away for most of the day, my King. So what we had planned will have to wait until another time," I said bravely, my blues eyes not faltering from the hazy ones I glared into. I was trying hard to not notice the head bobbing between Alexander's thighs or the moans that were starting to emerge from his throat but I knew I had to get out quickly. "Good day, my King. I trust you will try to get some sleep once your activities are over."
I turned on my heel just as Alexander opened his mouth and a loud groan of passion escaped as the eunuch finished his performance. The tears that ran down my face were quickly forgotten as I hurried through the palace and out the door.
***
"If you want me, you can have me" were the only words I spoke to a startled Zarek as I entered his shop. "I know you have lust in your heart for me and I have come to tell you that you can fulfill that lust if you so wish it."
I had no time to reconsider as the man grabbed my head and pressed his lips firmly to mine, and I returned the pressure full force. I did not think of Alexander then, I did not think of the consequences of my actions, I only thought of how good it felt to be wanted and needed and kissed.
Zarek broke the contact of our lips and stroked the scar across my left cheek, his eyes never leaving mine - his eyes focused on only me. He released me and turned to the front of the shop, shutting and locking the door then ushering me into the back where he made his home. I had been back there a few times for a cup of wine but had never been tempted to explore further.
The man put an arm about my waist and pulled me roughly to him. "What has brought this change, my dear Hephaistion? What has brought you to me on this fine, magical morning?" I dipped my head to avoid his eyes and knew he understood. He knew I had a lover that I never talked about and he had always just let it remain that way. "It matters not, Hephaistion, for all that matters right now is that you are willing to share yourself with me and there is nothing in this world that I want more than that."
He took my hand then and led me through a curtain where a bed took up most of the room. A plain bed with no shimmery linens or bedposts that reached the ceiling, a bed not surrounded by intricate art work on the walls and expensive rugs upon the floor. It was lovely.
Zarek took me in his arms and kissed me again, allowing his tongue to ravage my mouth this time and I was inclined to do the same. All thoughts of Alexander had escaped my usually thought-strewn head and all I wanted at that moment was to feel this strong, unyielding man's naked skin next to mine. His fingers twined in my hair as he severed the connection between our lips and began to roughly kiss my neck.
He slowly began to remove my clothing, kissing his way down my body as he did so. He stopped only to remove his own clothing and it was then that I got to see the exquisite manliness of the man before me. As I looked at Zarek's body, all muscle and sinew, all wanton and ready, I found myself searching for the scars I thought should be there. The scars that littered Alexander's lean body, the scars that in most cases I had been there to witness. I forced my eyes away from Zarek's body but not before he noticed.
"Does my body disgust you, Hephaistion? I assumed when you talked about a lover that it was a man."
I hesitated for a moment, wanting to carefully choose my words before I spoke. "Yes, Zarek, my lover is a man. And I do not find your body disgusting in any way. I am sorry if I made it appear so." I found as much courage as I had left within myself and removed the rest of my clothing and as much as standing naked before this fine specimen of a man excited me, I also felt something else.
Zarek approached me slowly. He ran one hand firmly down my naked body, from neck to groin and I could feel myself shiver under his fingertips. His hand stopped just before it reached my manhood and he pressed his lips to mine again, crushing me in his arms as I felt his nakedness encompass me and take me over.
Suddenly my hands were clenching in his hair and my lips moved fast and furious over his as our members clashed together and I felt the heat of his entire body against mine. But then I stopped. I just suddenly stopped. I felt my heart rate increase and my stomach retch and I pulled away sharply from the surprised man.
I ran to the inner chamber and emptied the contents of my roiling stomach into the pot, my breath coming in short, hard pants as I struggled to get myself under control. What was I doing? What was I thinking? This was not who I was. This was not who I wanted to be.
Zarek stood naked in the doorway, his arms folded across his broad chest, the look on his face one of confusion. "Hephaistion, have I done something wrong?"
I shook my head as I wiped the vomit from my mouth. "No Zarek. Please forgive me. I have been unfair to you and for that I am truly sorry. I believed I could mend my heart by being with another but in fact my heart is not mine to mend. I believe you could have been the man to bring hope back into my life should we have met in another time but my life belongs to another and that shall always be the case." I stepped forward and kissed him gently on the lips before dressing and leaving his shop.
***
Once I reached the palace, I rushed to my room and instructed my page that I was not to be disturbed by anyone, making a special effort to include the king in my order. I threw myself on my bed and allowed the sobs that were clogging my chest to overcome me. My thoughts were jumbled and my body distraught and should the opportunity have arisen at that moment, I could have surely taken my life to end the guilt that encompassed me.
I lay there all day; not moving, not caring, not feeling. I told myself I was being irrational. I told myself that the guilty thoughts I was having were unfounded, that I was not Alexander's chattel or wife, I was not his property, I was not legally constrained to be only with him, to wait only for him. But in my heart I knew I wanted to be all those things.
He was the only man I wanted, the only man who I had ever wanted and as our lives progressed and he became less available to be with me, to be mine, I had adjusted and I had waited. I had waited for those special moments that were rare but still appeared. Those moments when I had him all to myself and he would whisper, "I love you, my Phai", in my ear as he held my hair back and kissed my neck. I lived only for those moments and for him. I would do anything for him. And now I had deceived and crucified my love for him. I had thrown away all those years of trust and waiting and for what … a kiss from a local man. I had become a pursuer of all that is taudry and cheap and meaningless. I had become a man that I did not want to be, a man that I did not recognize, a man not fit to love a King.
***
I heard the sound of my beloved's voice outside my door that evening, his voice big and boisterous as he asked my whereabouts and was told I was not seeing anyone. I knew that would not stop him. I knew he would simply push past my page and show himself in. He was the King after all. I heard him ask if I was ill and though I did not hear the answer, it was obviously one he did not want to hear.
I closed my eyes and buried my head further into my bed as I heard him enter my room. I felt his hand stroke my hair as the bed dipped beside me and he leaned in. "Phai? Are you ill? I have not seen you all day, my love." I remained silent and kept my eyes closed as my heart bled in my chest. "I'll let you rest but will return later to check on you, my love. Be well." Then with a simple kiss to my forehead, he was gone and I was leaping from my bed and emptying what was left of my stomach into my pot, the acid and bile burning my throat as I heaved and sobbed.
How had I done such a thing? How had I so readily detracted from everything I believed in, so unabashedly thrown my good intentions and my years of commitment away. I knew I must never tell Alexander what I had done. I knew it would destroy him and in turn would destroy the army. I was resigned to the fact that I would never share his love again, would never share his bed, would never share his heart. I had to remove myself from his life so he would not be ridiculed by what I'd done, so he would not be humiliated, so he would not be hurt. I resigned myself to the fact that what was once good in my life, what was once everything in my life was now tarnished and black and destroyed.
As I lay back in my bed I prayed I would be visited by Hades quickly to end the suffering I had caused Alexander.
***
I lay in my bed for days with people coming and going. Alexander was a frequent presence at my bedside, begging me to tell him what was wrong. Pleading with me to eat, to drink, to come back to life. He brought doctors and healers but none of them could help because they didn't understand the problem. They didn't understand how guilt could eat away at your soul, at your brain, at your heart, at your very life. They didn't understand that a man has to want to live, has to try to live and I neither wanted nor was trying.
I felt my body become weaker everyday as Alexander sobbed at my side, his rough hands caressing my face, his soft lips brushing over mine. He talked of Macedonia and Pella and love and need but none of his talk made it past my brain and into my heart. I felt my heart had blackened and ceased to exist so Alexander would never get back in no matter how many sweet words he uttered to me. I knew it was for the best as I continued to refuse to eat and drink and even talk. I knew I was saving Alexander by ceasing to exist myself.
***
As my beloved sat by my bedside, his thumb stroking across my palm, words of adventure and love spilling from his mouth, the door opened quietly. Accustomed to having many curious visitors I did not react to the intrusion until Alexander spoke up. "What are you doing here? I told you I will not have you in my sight while I am with him. Get out!"
"But my lord, it has been two days since you have returned to your rooms," the small voice said. "Do you not need me to bathe you and provide you with my services." My eyes flew open when I realized who was speaking, when I realized who had had the audacity to enter my room and speak to Alexander when he was with me. But as soon as the thoughts entered my head, I suddenly understood what the only way to clear myself from Alexander's heart would be.
"Go with him, my love," I whispered through dry, painful lips. "You must go with him and be with him for he is now who I always was and wanted to be." Alexander stared down at me then quickly grabbed a cup of water to press to my lips.
"My Phai, you are delirious. You have been ill, my love. Please calm yourself and tell me what I can do to help you." His voice was so kind, so worried, so beautiful.
"That is what I want, my Alexander," I whispered. "You must resume your life, not stay hidden in the room of a traitor, in the room of a man who wishes to be taken from this world."
"Do not say that, Hephaistion," Alexander seethed as he grabbed my shoulders and pulled me into his arms. "You are not leaving this world, my love, unless you take me with you." As he held me tight, I noticed a small movement by the door.
"He waits for you still, Alexander. He is young and skilled in ways I am not. He is obedient and will die for you if need be. Please, my love, honor this final request from me. If you still love me at all, set me free."
I could feel Alexander sobbing into my shoulder as he shook his head. "Tell me what I've done, Hephaistion. Tell me how I can remedy the pain I have caused you. Tell me you still love me, Phai, for you have to know you are still the only one in my heart and that that place shall never be taken by another. If I lose you, you shall take my heart away from me with yours."
I knew I had no choice but to confess my vile deed, my dishonest intention, my traitorous deception. "Alexander. I must give you my confession before I leave you. I have been with another."
He pulled back from me, his eyes frantically searching mine. "You have been with another, Phai? You have given your heart to another? I do not hold your heart in mine any longer?"
"No Alexander," I whispered again as I lay back down. "I have no heart to give away, my love, for it has always been with you. But I have wanted and yearned for another and I have made good on those yearnings."
Alexander swiped a hand over his forehead, his mouth opening and closing but no words coming forth. "Is that what this is all about, Hephaistion? You let another man lay with you? You let another man take my place in your bed?"
"Alexander. Your place is not in my bed and we have not been in each other's beds for quite some time. Your place is with the boy now. See how he still hovers and waits for you. He is devoted beyond anyone else and I have proven to be unworthy of any devotion I have to give you."
My beloved suddenly stood and flew to the door. He grabbed the eunuch by the hair and forced him to the side of the bed. "This is what you see replacing you in my heart. This is merely a vessel to me, a mere luxury that I have been afforded. This is not worthy to share my bed nor does it share my bed. This is not worthy to live anywhere in my heart and it is certainly not worthy of ever replacing you in any way."
I flinched as the boy tried not to squirm in the harsh grasp of his master. "Let him be, Alexander. Let him go."
"I shall, Phai. I shall let him go for good. He shall no longer be anything to me. He shall no longer be anywhere near me. He shall no longer exist in my world nor in yours." Alexander shoved the eunuch towards the door. "Go back to the harem, boy. You are no longer required and I adhere you to not speak of this nor me to anyone or you shall suffer harsh consequences."
As the eunuch scampered out the door, I tried to rise from my bed but was pushed back down by my beloved's hands. "If you have no heart to give to another, Phai, then tell me what you have done? How can you feel guilt for something that is human nature? If you still love me then being with someone else is not a sin, it is a mere human frailty that we all suffer from."
"I was not with another man in a carnal sense, Alexander. I did not give myself to him but I wanted to. I had lust in my heart and I allowed myself to fall into his arms and to enjoy being kissed by him, to enjoy being held by him."
"Did he force you, Hephaistion? Because I will surely find him and kill him if he laid a hand on you."
"No, Alexander. He did not force me. He was kind and gentle and understanding. He was you back when we were young, back when we had less cares and less restrictions. He was you when you had time to spend with me, when you were less busy and preoccupied with other things and other people." I blushed as I realized how pathetic and whiny I was sounding. "I am not a woman pining for your love and attention Alexander, but sometimes that is exactly how I feel and to think that I threw all those loving years and special moments away for a mere hug and kiss wounds me deep inside and I cannot go on knowing I have disappointed you so."
Alexander's eyes were kind and he let a small smile play on his lips. "You have never disappointed me, my Phai. Never. You are the reason I am still living and breathing. You are the reason for my mere existence and my love, you are all I exist for. I am upset that you found yourself in such a state that you had to seek out the affections of another but I have only myself to blame for that and I intend to rectify the situation immediately and forever."
I felt my eyes well with tears as Alexander stroked my face and pressed his mouth to mine and I sobbed against him as he kissed away my tears. "Alexander, it is not plausible nor expected of you to make this promise to me. I do not expect to be treated as your lover in the presence of others, that is not what I want. I merely want to know that I still hold a place in your heart, a special place that no one else has and at this moment you have proven that I do. I love you, my Alexander, and I know I shall never feel the need to be loved by anyone else as long as I know I have your love."
"You have my love, Phai. You've always been the only one who does. I expect to grow old with you and to travel to the great beyond with you by my side. You are mine in life and in death and I am yours, forever."
We sealed our confessions with a slow, lingering kiss and though I knew things would never be exactly how I wanted, my belief and trust in Alexander had been renewed and I was again at peace in my heart and my soul.
As for Zarek, I did see him once more when Alexander insisted we go to a blacksmith to gift me with a new sword. Zarek was the perfect gentleman and did not give away any secrets that the two of us shared, but even still, I could see Alexander looking him over very carefully. I was positive he sensed some sort of tension or maybe attraction between the two of us since when the sword was ready to be picked up, my beloved told me there was no use both of us having to trudge into town so I may as well stay back at the palace.
He brought me the beautiful new sword and we made passionate love that night and afterwards we lay in each other's arms talking. "Your friend, Zarek, wanted me to give you his best wishes. It appears someone found him a lovely new bride in another town and he was fortunate enough to sell his shop right away. Very pleasant man, your Zarek, and not bad on the eyes either."
My Alexander. The man never fails to amaze me and I trust he never will.