So I know I completely told you that I was going to wait till I got 5 reviews till I posted this, but I pinky promised my Partner in crime that I would update. So this is for Steph my partner in crime 'cause she's uber cool and a brilliant writer. Also this is for Lauren, who is so cool and always reads my stories. She doesn't have an account so can't comment but she still tells me loads of nice things about it. Lovess to them two...
So this is chapter 2: Confessions&Breakdowns, the next chapter will be when the story really kicks in and gets out of the depression.
So please,please,please,...... REVIEW!!!!
I will love you forever..3, anyway, enjoy.!
-DefinatelyMaybe.x
I wanted to say something but my tounge suddenly felt swollen and useless in my mouth. Just looking at him made the guilt come crashing over me in tremendous waves.I looked into his eyes and the thing that upset me the most was that there was still...hope there.I swallowed the lump in my throught and tried to keep myself composed.
"Jacob.., what are you doing h-here?" My voice cracked on the last word. Damn it! I may have been able to keep my composure but how did I not know that my voice would give me away? He gave me a bright smile and the hope was still there , which was crushing me more than this conversation ever could. I had known Jacob so long that I could read him just as well as Rose and Alice could read me, it was times like this that I wished I didn't know what his expressions were.
"Hi, Bells ermm, I just thought I would pay you a visit, I haven't seen you since Saturday. How have you been?" He churped in a bright, unaffected tone. I knew he was going to bring the subject up soon, he just didn't know what I would be saying. Damn my stupid life!
"Holding up, you?" I answered shakily with a small smile, being careful not to be over friendly. This was already going to be so hard without him thinking I liked him back. At least now he was only hopeful.
"Perfect." He aswered simply with an ever wider smile, if that was possible. Not for long I added in my head and I sighed at the fact knowing this was going to hurt him a hell of a lot more than me.
"So...." he continued. Crap, I knew where this was going."About what happened, we can't just not talk about it." He said softly but still his voice told me it was not something he was willing to nagoshiate with. I was kind of banking on the situation where we just forgot about what he said and just carried on as normal. Obviously he thought differently.
"Fine, what you wanna talk about?" I asked casually, well that's what I aimed for. He slumped back onto the door and he sighed. I could tell by his eyes that he was having trouble putting how he felt into words. If only he knew he wasn't alone in that dilemma.
"Come on, Bells, don't play dumb with me please." He pleaded. I decided I'd opt for my best plan I had prepared. Tell him an honest answer while sparing his feelings. Well at least thats what I had aimed for.
"I-I don't know what you want me to say," I stuttered, cutting myself off because of the evident dissapointment in Jacob's eyes. He hadn't even heard that I didn't like him back yet.
"Just," he started then stood there for a second thinking over what he was about to say, "tell me what you feel about it,me,us." He finished and I took a sharp intake of breath that caused him to give me a reassuring smile. This was the question I was desprately hoping to avoid. I was about to shatter his hopes and there he was reassuring me?! I gulped and tried to bite back the tears that were threatening to spill over. He looked at me expectedly still trying to tell me it was ok, that I could continue. No! I wanted to scream, it's not at all ok, I don't want to hurt you Jacob. It's now or never I told myself, or giving myself a pep talk more like.
"I d-don't...I-I" I struggled, I took a deep breath. This is it, "Idon'tlikeyouJacob" I rushed so fast that I don't know if he heard. I lifted my gaze and my question was answered by the look plastered on his face. He looked like someone had just punched him in the face. The guilt over rode my self control as a thought back over what I had just said. It sounded arrogant and disgusted rather than desperate and rushed. He opened his mouth then shut it again, obviously rethinking what he was about to say. He opened it again and I braced myself, well this didn't go as planned. Then again nothing in my life ever does.
"You really are a piece of work ,you know that?" he questioned incredulously, I could almost feel the sadness and dissapointment roll off him.
"I-I, Jacob.. you hear-" I reasoned, trying to get him to understand that the way it was said was misinterprated. I was trying my hardest, when he cut me off.
"Don't even bother, Bella. I don't even know why I liked you, guess it's because I didn't know you were so heartless," He spat angrily before turning around to leave, I couldn't blame him but I had to try something, anything.
"Jacob,wait" I pleaded desprately. This can't be the end of our friendship, not now, not over this.
"Just," he took a deep breath before continuing,this was going to be bad. "Don't talk to me, leave me alone." He finished before climbing in to his rabbit and speeding out of the lot. I stood there speechless and unable to move. The rain was coming down harder now, pelting off the cars and stinging my face with it's harsh blows, but I didn't care. I just stood there thinking over was just happened, all the years of friendship. Over. All the secrets all the good times together, none of that mattered now he was gone.
Now Jacob was gone.
Those four words threw my self control over the edge causing the brimming tears to flow freely down my face. I stood there allowing my tears to take over for a while until I felt I could control myself enough to go home. To break down again there no doubt. A quick scan of the lot confirmed that most students had already gone and I was propably abit late. I climbed into my truck, not bothering to turn the heater on in an attempt to dry my soaking clothes. I sat there for a while taking deep breaths, trying to keep calm. After what seemed like a while I kicked my truck to into gear and it came roaring to life. I pulled out of the parking lot and sped down the road pushing my battered truck to it's limits. I didn't care I needed to get home, I needed to finish processing the situation. I needed time.
As soon as I got home I jumped out of my truck and rushed into the house not bothering to lock my car, I mean who in the world would want to steal it? I shut the the front door quickly, before tip-toeing into the hallway and talking to my dad through the door.
"Bells?" He asked."Where've you been, I've been worried,"He said firmly but didn't shout,he never shouted unless it was serious.
"Oh,hey dad," I started and just as I thought my voice sounded strained and riddled with mixed emotions."Err, I just got caught up in my bio project then got caught in the rain in the lot, so I'm going to get changed. Oh, and dad? Do you think maybe you could order in tonight? It's just I not feeling up to cooking and I have tons of homework, the girls even have to help me with it. They're coming round at six" I finished with my voice on the urge of cracking and impatiently waited for a reply, I needed to get out of these clothes. More importantly I needed to be alone.
"Sure thing, honey." He answered sweetly, "you want anything?" He added as an afterthought.
"Oh, er, no thanks dad. I'm ok, not really hungry." I babbled while proceeding up the stairs not watching my step as I normally would be if I was ascending them at this speed. Thankfully I got up without a stumble and entered my room.
"Dad? When Rose and Alice get here just send them straight up, I'll be busy all night." I called before firmly shutting my door and collapsing heavily onto my bed.
There was no point in holding back my emotions anymore. The tears I had been struggling to contain brimmed over and continued in an endless waterfall. My sobs broke out like cries for help, echoing in my small room as my emotions ran all over the place.
Move on? Leave him alone? I thought saddly How? He was such a great friend and I had to go and screw it up I scolded myself. Way to go, Bella.
I looked down at my watch and realised that Rose and Alice were nearly due to arrive. I decided I would try to clean myself up abit. I mean I didn't want them to think someone had died. Although in all honesty someone had died.
Jacob's Bella had.
The girl who had late night barbaques, rode motorcycles and told her deepest secrets. She had died and left with Jacob when he said those last few words. And yet, the girl who screwed it all up was still here.
I trudged my way to the bathroom and began to wipe my tearstained cheeks with a face cloth. When I had done the best I could at unswelling my eyes I filled a glass with ice cold water and took a long gulp, to soothe my scorching throught.
I shuffled back to my room and took off my soaking clothes that were heavy and clung to my freezing frame. After I put my wet clothes into the laundry basket I pulled on my comfy sweats and old baggy t-shirt. I pulled my hair up into a messy high ponytail to prevent it from soaking my clean outfit. After all my stalling I slumped on my bed and tried to lead my train of thought to anywhere apart from Jacob and the events of today.
5:55pm I told myself. Only five more measly minutes until the girls come and I have a reason to think about it. Just then the doorbell rang and I secretly thanked the girls for coming early. They normally had good tact. I heard my dad greet them cheerily and them greet him just as happily. They then what sounded like skipped up the stairs while gossiping idly. They burst into my room with magnificent smiles. If they were trying their 'Pass on the smiles!' theory, it really wasn't working. As soon as they caught sight of me their smiles quickly faded and they rushed to my bedside.
"Sweetie," Rosalie cooed in a sickly sweet voice "What happened?" She rubbed my arm tenderly, looking me in the eyes with a sympathetic look.
"To d-do w-with what I need t-to tell y-you."I choked between sobs that I didn't realise were coming from me until now. Alice and Rose perched on my bed either side of me, rubbing my arms and back soothingly. I knew I had to calm down, in order to tell them what I was actually having breakdown for.
I staightened up and wiped the falling tears off my face with the shoulder of my baggy shirt. To hell with the dry outfit. I took numrous deep breaths, in an attempt to slow my rapidly beating heart. After about five minutes of deep breaths I looked at each of them, and of course they gave me a warm and reasuring smile. I breathed in slowly through my nose and out through my mouth before beginning what was likely to be, the most hurtful storytelling of my entire life.
I began telling them about the Saturday when Jacob had took me to the beach to get some ice cream and go for a walk. I told them about when Jacob had told me about his feelings and when I had paniced and fled as subtly as I could. I continued then to telling them about avoiding him because knowing I didn't feel the same. I described my feelings to them about the guilt I was feeling then, that I was still feeling to this day. I told them about the numerous texts I had recieved that had been deleted without being read. And all of the voicemails left unheard. Then I paused for a minute, the next thing to tell was the events of today. And....cue the tears.
I told them about walking into the lot and spotting Jacob. I told them about our conversation before the arguement. About how uncomfortable I felt, about the hope in Jacob's eyes. Then I told them about how he brought the subject up and his expressions and my dissapointment that we couldn't just let it lye. Then about the confession I had made, about the misinterpratation. Then the tears starting flowing freely at the rememberence of the hurtful comments he hade made. Even reliving it, they stung like knifes in my skin. I told them about my pleading and about him speeding off. I continued my story of in the lot and coming home till this second, and then broke down in heavy sobs.
"That son of a bitch! Who the hell does he think he is? He's gonna get it, I swear to god he is! He's fifteen, what does he think he is, jesus?." Rose ranted angrily, her face going red with effort not to blow her top.
"Rose.." I tried feebily to stop her rants, I knew I couldn't stop her so I slumped back down and she continued ranting. I very nearly had a heart palpitation when Alice sprung from her perch on the bad and marched over to Rose. She cupped Rose's face roughly between her small fingers and then continued her sherade by making out with Rose. I sat there a bit stunned, but not to much, I mean it was Alice and Rose. Although they are the single most popular girls in school, they are the maddest people I've ever met. The continued making out for a few more moments, then Alice pulled back, wearing the triumphant grin.
"What the hell, Alice?" Rose asked curiously, not one bit of diguist on her face. Typical.
"Well, If I hit you to make you shut up, you would of hit me back, right? Well, If I kiss you to shut you up, the worst you can do is kiss me back. Simpless!" She squealed the last word triumphantly. Obviously thinking she was an utter genius.
"Oh, right, I get it. Well done Ali." Rose said sarcastically. I should of probably predicted that Rose would have no problem with Alice kissing her.
"Rosie, darling? What lipgloss have you got on? It tastes like candy, yumm."Alice smiled licking her lips. At this I had to giggle, knowing that infact Alice would want a serious answer to that question.
"Well I don't have any on me Honey poo, but you can have another taste if you'd like." Rosalie joked in a seductive voice. I continued to giggle at there petty game. Alice blew a kiss at Rose and she blew one back.
"Lesbo's.." I said quietly while shaking my head. They were so mad, but they always knew how to cheer me up. They kept this up for a few more minutes , making funny remarks and actions. It was when they stopped that I was shocked back to reality, Jacob was still gone. I slumped back down, I was such an utter idiot.
"You REALLY need to keep off the depression pills ,hun. They're bad for you." Alice teased, while hinting that I was being boring and depressed. Nice.
"Bella, listen. I am going to explain that situation. And thus prove you are not to blame what so ever. So, ears open, mouth shut." Rosalie comfirmed while shaking my shoulders lightly. I sat on my bed and looked up at Rose, with wide eyes, eager to try and get some of the guilt to go away. She cleared her throught before continuing.
"Bella, on Saturday, Jacob told you he liked you, correct?" I nodded and she continued " And so, you avoided him because you had to see if you liked him too?" I nodded again "And when he did ambush you, you tried to rush out your confession to not hurt him, but it came out wrong and her wouldn't listen when you tried to tell him different?" I nodded saddly "He insulted you then left you alone in the rain, Bella it's all his fault, not yours. His loss and mistake, not yours. Do you understand now?" She asked in desperation, I could tell that she was having a hard time expalining something she thought was so obvious. I nodded and realised thats exactly how I told the story, and Jacob was just being an ass.
"You know what? It is his fault, and I won't be brought down by this, his loss, right?" I spat out fast trying to be brave, although it probably didn't sound like it. I looked up at the girls who had smiles plastered on their faces that streched ear to ear.
"Exaclty!" They beamed together. They looked quite funny actually, with massive smiles. They did a little victory dance together, which was hilarious and insane of course.
"Girly celebration!!" Rose declared eagerly, Alice squealed and I grunted my reply. I really didn't feel like dinner, because no matter how many times Rose repeated her theory I would still feel guilty. I still do. And another reason why I am against 'Girly Celebration!' is because Alice and Rose will want to play Bella barbie. Now that is something I am not up to. Hair pulling, leg waxing, make up testing, short dress wearing torture. And I am not going to even start with the heels they try to put me in. For god's sake, you'd think that they had more sense than to put the most accident prone person in Forks in six inch heels. But, Alice will be Alice and Rose will be Rose. Altough I was thinking about all the torture that they were going to put me through tonight I still decided to go along with it. I mean they seem so excited that they got me out of being 'depressed' and who knows it might make me feel better. Damn, I suck big time at being optimistic.
"Sure, where do you guys wanna go?" I asked as casually as I could in the hopes that they would catch my point and go somewhere low key, like the diner.
"Somewhere nice, our treat, time to get you ready negative nelly!" Rosalie beamed. Without protest we proceeded down the stairs and I told my dad that Alice, Rose and I were going out for a bite to eat and we wouldn't be back too late. Then we got outside and sprinted to Alice's yellow Porsche , as the rain was falling so hard that it was bouncing off the ground. Once we had all jumped inside the car Alice turned the radio and heater up and kicked the car into reverse. The soft purr of the engine could barely be heard over the brutal rain. Just then Girls just wanna have fun (Miley Cyrus version) began to play through the high-tec speakers, Alice turned it up and all of us began to sing at the top of our lungs. After a while of singing we burst into a fit of giggles and continued to talk all the way to Alice's place. Let the torture begin.
End Note: Well what about that? enjoy? dislike? Please tell, (: Tell me if you want anything added in, tell me, ideas welcome.
Review,review,review!!!!
Love youss!!!
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, I only own the plot.
-DefinatelyMaybe.x