A.N I know, I've done it again- this ISN'T the last chapter like I said it was gunna be like two chapters ago but I havent posted in a while and the main reason is school has started agaon and so has dance no I have no spare time and most of this chapter was written in health and science classes so sorry again for slow updates but hopefully this will keep you satisfied until I can get the final chapter (and I'm fairly sure that the next chapter WILL be the final chapter) out so I hope you enjoy this chapter and I would like to say thanks to my friends who constantly helped me when I'd scream at them I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO NEXT and putting up with my craziness. Also this chapter wouldn't be out without the song, Another Door Closes by Jont. so after this MASSIVE authors note- heres the chapter- read and review :D
Disclaimer- I only own Kiara but if you REALLY want her you can borrow her.
"Ziva, you need to tell me what's wrong."
Ziva didn't break down. Mossad agents were taught not to break down. If you break down you die. If you love you die, if you feel emotions you die. Everyone thought she was so strong but she wasn't. Sure she could kill someone with a paperclip, kill someone and leave absolutely no trace but inside she was a wreck. At Mossad they teach you to follow orders, not to think. If you think you realise how wrong the things they do are. Ziva didn't think anymore, she just did. But since coming to America, since working at NCIS there was something else she did. She felt.
If she felt something was right she did it, if she felt angry she voiced it, if she felt lost…
So she wasn't perfect at saying what she was feeling yet, at least she was feeling; which was more than she did all those years as Mossad. She was learning to feel and it was bittersweet. She liked the feeling of Abby's hugs, of Gibbs's head slaps, of Ducky's long talks, of McGee smile and Tony's care. She wanted to be cared by Tony, she just didn't know how. She liked all of that but there were downsides to these feelings. Her thing for Tony, no matter how hard she tried to she couldn't stop it and the feeling went around and around her head every time she was around him. And the feelings made the nightmares come back. The terrifying almost real nightmares except now, instead of just watching her mother and sister die, she had to endure everyone she loved. And the person who did it was Ari. But it wasn't Ari, it was her. It was at these moments, when she tried to make sense of the dreams that she would throw her emotions at a wall, knowing she'd crawl back to them later but not wanting anything to do with them at that moment.
"I can't." And that was the truth. She didn't know if she could tell Tony, or anyone for that matter her haunting nightmares without completely breaking down. And that would make her weak.
"I'm sorry Tony."
Tony didn't look away, he kept on staring into her eyes, knowing there was no way in hell he'd be able to break her-she was Mossad, but trying anyway. Maybe she wouldn't break, but just tell him. As a friend. He was her friend. So they hadn't had a proper movie night for a long time, they had grown apart since Jeanne, the Directors death and then his time on that stupid ship. They had grown apart and Tony didn't like it, so he made a plan. Tonight he would bring a movie over to her place, tonight he would find out what was haunting her and tonight he would fix it.
The elevator doors opened, Ziva and Tony keeping the stony, angst filled silence that had taken up most of the ride.
"Ziva, I need to talk to you. My office now." Gibbs said, not grumpily like he usually did but with a sadness in his eyes she couldn't place.
Once they were both in, the emergency stop firmly in place. One of these days that elevator was going to crack a hissy fit and stop working and then Gibbs would be in trouble from the Director. Maybe she would film it and put it on YouTube she thought with a grin. At least Tony would get a kick out of it.
"What are you going to do when she has to go?" He asked. His expression serious but caring.
No. She didn't want to deal with this right now. She didn't want to deal with it ever. Sur she had finally come to terms with letting Kiara go but she didn't want to think about what she'd become with Kiara. How could someone change her life so much in only two days?
"Ziva?" He asked again sternly, and then he gave her the look. Not the 'Gibbs stare' that they often got when they were in trouble but the one that seemed to say 'I know what's going on inside your head, I know how your feeling.' It was that look that nearly made her break down. But she didn't. Only one tear slipped past her barriers and down her face, falling to her cheek then landing on the collar of her shirt.
"Don't do this to me Gibbs." She warned, bringing her gaze back up to his steel blue eyes.
They searched hers.
Caring like Tony's, but she knew Tony could see more. It wasn't because he was a better reader of people, it was the opposite actually. But Tony was her partner. He knew her better than anyone else. He was the only one who could climb her tall brick walls but he could only see the beautiful crumbling mansion inside never enter it. Maybe no one ever would. Except Kiara. Her light had let her skip right through Ziva's strong walls but she and her light had to go. The mansion would be empty again.
"You will never forget her." Gibbs said, a tinge of sadness lacing his words before flicking the emergency switch, making the elevator move again.
He put a comforting hand on Ziva's shoulder, giving it a squeeze but she remained staring straight ahead. She would survive, she didn't need his help. She would survive.
When they left the elevator Gibbs turned towards the interrogation rooms.
"I thought he confessed on scene?" Ziva asked.
"He did." Gibbs was never one for words. "And now we're making sure."
"Can I interrogate him?" Ziva asked enthusiastically. She didn't know who she wanted to hurt more, Kiara's mother who put the girl on the streets in the first place or the killer who left Kiara there alone to die. Her mother was dead so this guy would have to do.
"No, I want him alive."
Ziva was still fuming when she walked into the observation room but when she saw who was in there she nearly walked out again. God, couldn't she go anywhere without Tony standing right next to her. Why couldn't McGee be here, he'd be too scared to ask how she was and that's what she wanted right now. She didn't want people asking what was wrong, trying to fix her life. Like Tony was.
"So Zeevah." He said annoyingly, his voice grating against Ziva's ears, sometimes she just wished he knew how to shut up. "Gibbs wouldn't let you interrogate the guy?"
"Shecket Bevakesha!"
"Uh oh, I'm trouble now!" He joked again. She was starting to get really pissed off with him. When she wanted him to be stupid, he was serious and when she wanted him to be serious he was stupid!
"Just leave me alone Tony." She whispered, showing more emotion in her words than she wanted to. She didn't want Tony to think she was weak. She wasn't weak, so why couldn't she stop herself from breaking apart?
The two stood in stony silence for the whole interrogation. Ziva was so confused. She wanted Tony to shut up so much before but now he was silent she desperately wanted him to talk. She wanted him to crack a joke and break the awkward, tension filled silence that consumed so many of their meetings, she wanted noise but at the same time she wanted that enveloping silence that had filled her when they were dancing to Innocence. She wanted silence but noise. She wanted distance but closeness. Boy was she stuffed up at the moment.
"Look, I didn't now she had a daughter!" The guy yelled, cracking at Gibbs silent, angry stare.
"We didn't tell you that she had a daughter, Mr. Milton." She said, looking up the guys name on his profile and even from the observation room Tony and Ziva could feel the anger radiating from their boss.
"Fine! I heard her crying after…after I killed Marie. I had a look. Look I didn't know the slut had a daughter! She had ripped me off too many times, I didn't care what happened to the kid." She said, yelling as loud as he could, every word cutting into Ziva like a knife. She only had one thought running through her head, I want to kill him.
"KIARA!" Gibbs yelled back. "The little girl you left to die! A four year old girl you left to take care of herself on the streets!"
"She's dead?" Milton asked, a brief wave of sadness passing over his face. The nerve, Ziva thought. He leaves her there to die then feels sorry for her? Now she really wanted to kill him.
Gibbs didn't answer him, juts looked at him. Let him feel guilty. Let the guilt eat at him while he spends the rest of his life in prison. Let it stay with him until he dies.
Gibbs walked out, nodding his head for Ziva and Tony to follow him.
Jules.