The Fairy Cakes and Fiction Awards 2009!!! Wiiiii~ Go fierce socks! You guys are awesome for coming up with this contest.
Title: Marriage is a sentence
Author: Me! Just kidding. Lafeedeslilas.
POV: EVERYONE
Category: More humor than romance
Summary: Why is marriage a sentence?
…………………….
Parents
"Flowers?"
"Check."
"Invitation cards?"
"Check."
"Smart looking biscuits?"
"Check."
"Papa tied up by chains from head to toe, shut up in one of the dimensional locks which our good friend Free, kindly made for us?"
Soul looked at his teary father-in-law who had his lips sealed with masking tape, and was bouncing around the room giving out muffled screams and scribbled on the last item of his check list.
"Check."
Maka clasped her hands together happily.
"Alright, let's marry!"
…………………………….
Spotlight
"B-Black star, are you sure about this?" She whispered behind the door that separated the couple from the holy ground.
"Never been more sure in my life, Tsubaki!"
"But this…."
"Why does the bride get to have all the attention? Why not the groom? I'm sure this is the key! I'll make everyone's jaws drop with my awesomeness!"
"W-Well, if you say so…" She cocked her head to a side in defeat and signaled the door openers that they were ready. "Here we go…"
The doors flung open simultaneously and the wedding music began playing. Tsubaki entered gracefully, with a side pony tied up by her own camellia flower and a beautiful flower patterned dress adorned with lace. All the guests, pleasantly surprised by her beauty, rose from their seats to begin with their round of applause. They soon stopped.
The groom walked down the aisle next giggling madly, wearing a white, dreamy, and not to mention extremely fluffy, wedding dress. Tsubaki simply slapped her forehead in agony.
Everyone's jaws did drop, as Black star had said.
……………………………
Children
"Stein, dear, do you remember our wedding?"
"…."
A 2 year old girl with wavy blond hair snuggled herself next to her daddy's leg.
"Compared to our student's it was very… original. Wasn't it..?"
"…."
A pair of blond female twins of 4 year olds tugged the professor's scientist robe from the sides threatening him with plastic scalpels for some money to buy candies.
"You bastard! Ours was a damn shot gun wedding! You made me a whale before I could wear my dress properly, you…you.. evil mad scientist! You enemy of all brides! You, who shatters an innocent and fragile girl's dream!"
"…."
A 5 year old girl with straight, short blond hair dropped from Stein's head. The toddler almost smashed herself with the ground if it wasn't for her father, who barely prevented her fall by holding her up with her skirt, showing a pair of pumpkin panties given by Spirit in baby shower.
"Marie… let's try for a boy…."
………………
Monthly brides
"Why a June bride? I mean why not an August bride, or a December bride or a July bride or even a May bride? Why does girls mess so much just to be a June Bride?! I just don't get it!"
"Wasn't because of the roman goddess Juno or something, who was the goddess of marriage?" Kilik answered as he typed some letters on the library's computer.
" That's not even a decent reason!" Ox answered back, straightening his two hair towers repeatedly as if it were a type of nervous tick.
"Hey, check it out, I just googled her and… man! she is hot!"
"Really?" He peeked at the screen. "Nope, not my type. She looks like a man with breasts…"
"A man with huge breasts, Ox… Huge breasts…! Makes all the difference in the world."
"I don't know… look…" He scowled and fingered the screen. "Is it me or are they kind of deflated?"
"Dude, what are you talking about? They are perfect! These old century guys have good taste!"
"She still looks like a ma-"
"YOU MALE BOVINE! I TOLD YOU TO GET THE PLAZA FOR JUNE! AND YOU DARE TO GET IT FOR JULY 2ND!?" A raging female's voice resounded the old shibusen's hall and both boys paled simultaneously.
"male… bovine?" Kilik asked and before Ox could answer back, there was the sickening sound of a bone crack and the door slammed open showing a half beaten Harvar on the verge of knocking death's door, held by the neck by a very, very pissed Kim.
"I'm…sorry… Ox… I tr..tried… to stop.. stop her… but…" The pink haired witch shoved a last gut punch to the dying weapon, threw the corpse out of her way and began making her way towards her two other targets.
"So… Why a June bride again?"
………………
Blind dates & Blind marriages
"Are you ready to marry Mr. who?" Kami chirped while she closed the door behind her and rapidly helped Nygus put on her veil.
"Yes, I got the sleeping darts under my tight if the priest is a jerk and speaks slow." She lifted her dress slightly to show the attached weapons. "The rope, if he's a hunk and dares to run away from me," She then took out from her cleavage a small object which looked similar to a rocket. "And a missile in case of someone trying to oppose our marriage or if he or she don't stop it when I want to."
The proud helper smiled in satisfaction.
"And don't forget to wear you converses under your dress to run away, dear, use them only if the soon-to-be is blue."
……………
Soul Mates
"So let me get this straight, Asura.. After tormenting the world with threats of destruction, sending one of your minions to lock up my fiancé in a man devouring book and almost killing us all, who opposed you and your evil making-the-world-go-insane plan…. You want me to give you my blessings and accept your marriage?! And with Patty?!"
"Yes" The ex-kishin put his arm around his sweetheart's waist who was doodling an imaginary tank with her finger on the air.
"Why her?!" Liz and the awestruck bunch of shibusen ex-students cried. Except for Black star, who claimed to have known this from the beginning.
"Because!" All of them stretched their necks nearer to hear better. "I don't have any idea of what's going through that head of hers and plus," He watched her lovingly as she stuck a lollipop on his hair. "she is more insane than me."
"…Touché…. Now, second question:" Liz lifted her finger accusingly towards the demon god. "Why the hell are you wearing a giraffe costume?!"
……………….
Dislikes
"Since the 12th century… No, today, we are gathered here together in the presence of technicians and weapons to celebrate one of life's greatest relationships: the union between death god and woman, which we call marriage."
Kid's golden eyes tried to look everywhere but straight ahead.
"My legend… No… Love between death god and woman, like any other love, is a love generous in offering and generous in receiving. To love is not to win or lose, but to help and to be helped."
The death god bit his upper lip but could not prevent some of his veins popping on various locations on his forehead.
"Elizabeth Thompson, will you repeat after me: I, Elizabeth Thompson take you, Kid to be my wedded husband. To love, give up my power of the remote, comfort, to treat you as humanly as possible, and bear your obsessions, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, to grow with you in love and patience, and not rob your fortune as long as we both shall live."
He tried to shut down his mental system for at least five seconds but only managed to form an extremely annoyed grimace.
"Elizabeth, do you promise to do this now and forever more?"
Liz took a peek at the crazed Kid and replied hastily at the unsuspecting civil officer who still stood solemnly, holding his cane.
"I do.."
Kid clenched his fists.
"Now death the Kid, will you repeat after me: I, Death the Kid take you, Elizabeth to be my wedded wife. To love, cuddle, to treat you as humanly as possib- M&hgw%ghr#!--"
"DISGUSTING!" After making sure he had the creature squeezed in between his hands he called forth his weapon "PATTY!" The woman flew straight away from her seat right to the hand of her meister.
"Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!"
As Kid kept shooting Patty on Excalibur, apparently the only civil officer in death city, Liz sighed and faced the audience dejectedly.
"I'm sorry for the inconvenience but we will suspend this matrimony for the umpteenth time. Your time will be refunded with money, and if there are any more complaints, please contribute to our suggestion box in the right. Thank you."
……………….
Evil Step-mothers
"What's the meaning of this? Papa? Why does she have mama's ring?"
" 'Cause Maka chan! I'm going to marry your papa! Now say it, say 'mama' to Blair~" The cat witch said with a cute voice and threw her arms hyperactively to the air with obvious happiness.
"Papa! Tell me it's not true!" Maka begged with her eyes at her father, who was too busy ogling at Blair's bouncing chest.
"I'm sorry Maka, but I am going to marry Blair-chan. And I'm going to live my days in boobies land!!! Blair-chan! Your new name shall be 'boing-chan' from now on!"
"No Papa… No… "
"Maka-chan, repeat it after me, 'Mama'~ Come on, one and two, and two and three, say it: 'Ma~ma'." Maka said nothing and Blair pouted. "Maka-chan, if you keep being a bad girl I'll do boing~ chop to you…"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Maka woke up drenched in sweat. She looked around her room nervously and tugged her mantle nearer to her while trembling nonstop.
"It's ok Maka, it was a dream, it was a bad dream…" she said to herself, teething hard. "Where is Soul…? Soul..?" she called amidst whispering. "Definitely a bad dream… It'll never happen. It'll never happ…. KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Thump.
"What's going on?" Soul entered the room alarmed, only to find a naked Blair holding an unconscious Maka on her arms.
"I don't know… she just fainted when she saw my boobs. Are they that scary?"
As Soul suffered a long painful death on the spot by blood-loss he managed to breathe four words.
"You should move out…"
…………
Pregnancy
"Why are you marrying him all the sudden? Didn't you say you wanted to date him more before you became a hopeless housewife?"
"Well, because I love him…" answered Jaqueline, trying to sound confident.
"You are pregnant?!" exclaimed Kim.
"No! It's because we love each other and… we love each other!"
"You are pregnant." Her partner concluded again.
"No! It's just that we thought it was time for a family and to assume the duty of increasing the birthrate of our nation and.. and…" As sh watched how the ants crawled on the floor, the weapon met her two index fingers various times. "…and…"
"You are so pregnant."
"I'm pregnant."
……………….
Flowers
"Now, the time has come for the bride to throw the bouquet! Get ready girls!" the wedding host announced through the speakers. The girls began taking off their heels and placed them on their hands, ready to use them as mortal weapons.
"One, two and thr-"
"GET HER!"
There was a sickening shriek, lots of loud American-football-style thumps and the meek sound of the victorious crawling from under the pile of female corpses, holding the miraculously undamaged flowers.
While Chrona, the bride, struggled pitifully from the very bottom, Ragnarock just scooted over to get some food.
……………….
Ex-boyfriends
"So your girlfriend dumped you for a mad scientist who's favorite pastime is dissecting his best friend and tormenting underage students?" Masamune asked puzzled.
BJ nodded sadly and burst into quick tears. Soon, as he punched heaven's floor, which was made of cotton candy, he began to whine about his unjust fate.
"I bet he copied my drink… yes… he must have known that Marie likes guys who drink coffee… He is just a freak who stitched his face to show off his needle work… I mean, I have more muscles, I wear leather sandals with shorts, I have lovable squinty eyes and I come from Australia! Australia! What's cooler than that?"
"Erm...Nothing…?" Ghost Masamune answered in an attempt to console the other teary ghost and half jokingly added. "Though a swivel chair may be able to surpass just about anything…."
"WAHHHH!!!!"
BJ's crying increased ten times fold and Masamune never quite understood why.
……………………………
Jealous old maids
"So what's your plan Medusa? Chichichi"
From the darkness, two ominous figures stood together plotting evil for the lives of those who pursued happiness.
"Don't be impatient Mizune," Hissed a more mature woman's voice. "we will wreck her marriage… like hell I would let my sister have a happy marriage with that… what was that tweet's name?"
"Mosquito."
"Ah yes, Mosquito…" Medusa rubbed his hands maliciously, slithering her tongue in a tricky manner. "Doesn't she know that mistress marrying off the butler is so cliché?"
"That's right! Chichcichi. So What are we going to do?" The ratty witch asked with sparkling expectation.
"When you manage to knock her off for a moment with those laser whiskers of yours…" Mizune's eyes grew bigger, the figure of the revolutionary villain under the bare moonlight, seemed more admirable and wicked than their head witch Mabaa. "I'll take over her body and I. shall. Finally. Marry"
"….."
"What? Don't you look at me like that!"
"You have gone senile Medusa…"
………………………….
Bachelor parties
"So you know the unlucky guy who is going to marry tomorrow?"
Giriko halted his beer near his mouth to peer the man who had bothered to take a seat next to him.
"Justin…" he muttered with disgust as his partner in crime, who had also sneaked into the party uninvited, served himself some punch.
"You shouldn't be wandering around in bachelor parties when our lord is struggling by himself."
"The one who he is marrying is a nut ball! "
"Nut ball indeed. Anyhow, what's the name of the man who is heading off to his funeral willingly?" The chainsaw man frowned.
"Some guy named Wuss or something…"
"You must mean Wes…" Justin corrected as he pointed at a random banner that hung on one of the wooden walls of the classy bar, and commented with slight admiration. "Wow, he owns a bar in his house…"
"Whatever, he didn't call for strippers. What kind of bachelor party is without strippers? Damn, this why I hate rich violinists..." He grumbled, drinking finally his beer in one shot. "What?"
"We could call for pizza…" The monk offered with a wise air.
"And you think that fat ball would make me happy?"
"…Pizza delivery strippers…" As Justin finished his sentence, Giriko sent him a wicked smirk.
"You are a devil aren't you my holiness?" The blond grabbed the phone and shrugged.
"I'm just being human"
----10 minutes after
Ding dong
"Who is it?"
"Pizza delivery…"
"Awesome, I'll get the door." Giriko said gaily as he stood up and directed himself towards the entrance. He returned to his seat straight away after a single glance and slamming the door to the point that the lock almost broke.
"What happened?" Justin asked startled. The chestnut haired weapon scowled as he remembered the unpleasant sight.
"It was that Noah bastard wearing a panty hose…"
………………………………
Elopes
"Everybody freeze! Or I'll freeze you!" Various screams shot through the air and the masked band of men entered rampaging through the church. One of them, apparently the leader of the mob, pointed his own (fake) gun on the groom's forehead. "Now give up the bride!"
The woman promptly hopped from her soon-to-be and threw herself on the unknown intruder. "Honey! You came!"
"Of course babe, I couldn't let you marry off this…" He looked at the groom from head to toes with disgust. He looked smart in that tuxedo. Smart and gay. "…freak. Could I?".
Mifune rolled his eyes. He wasn't the one wearing jail clothes to steal a bride…. So overrated…
"Aw… honey…" the moved Euruka gave Free a frog kiss on his lips which he happily received. "Now let us run before the sun sets and get ourselves a parfait. This is so romantic…"
The man wolf whistled and the rest of the band quickly began simulating their escape. As everyone left, the samurai slumped himself on the floor and admired how finely they had destroyed the place into pieces. Those idiots… he could have finished them off with his blade if…
"You got your girlfriend snatched by that hairy man?" A small girl with round eyes and cute short hair asked innocently. "I feel so sorry for you…"
"Don't be. It was arranged marriage. It's better it turned out this way..."
"No! It's not ok! You liked that froggie! Even Angela could see that! That was a baaaad wolf." Said the girl waving her fist to the direction in which the gang had run off to. Seeing the child getting angry in stead of him made his lips tug onto a small smile.
"Your name is Angela?"
"Yes!"
"Do I really look so pathetic right now?"
"Yes!"
"Oh man… I have been dumped…"
"Here, have a cookie."
"Yeah…Thanks."
………………………
AN: Done! Done!!!! Wow, notice the inspiration? I used all the characters! I mean ALL of them! Or am I missing someone?
This is my second time writing a one-shot of pure fun. The first one was 'Gender crisis'. If you haven't read it yet, do it! I'm pretty proud of that one. :3
Reviews are like marriage, once you are in, it's hard to get out. XP
Conclusion: Give me some..