AGONY

I own nothing. Except Mikayla, the plot, and the title.

A/N: It's not gonna stay a oneshot…

I fought with myself all weekend. Mikayla had a boyfriend. Mikayla had a boyfriend. Mikayla had a BOYFRIEND. I just couldn't face it. I had grown close to her, too close, only to discover that I was not as close as I thought. It was like the good wolf bad wolf legend, where the boy asks his grandfather which wolf will win and the grandfather says whichever wolf he fed. Gee, that was only a little ironic.

I didn't know which wolf to feed. I didn't even know which wolf was which. Would it be bad to distance myself from Mikayla or to get closer, knowing she'll never get as close to me as I want?

This is insane, I told myself. I'm acting like a child. Have I really fallen in love with her in just a few days? It hurt to think that Bella and Edward had fallen in love so quickly, so I didn't let my thoughts stray in that direction. I didn't want to phase. What if some of the others were running? They would know what was going on, and Quil and Embry would not be happy. They would feel more betrayed than ever.

My heart was wrought with misery. I was so frustrated with my whole position in the world that I almost wanted to cry. Cry like a small child. Or a girl. I wanted to cry because of Mikayla, for Billy, for the pack. I knew how much my unanimated existence hurt them, but I couldn't change. This was me now, and they would all accept it later. But what about Mikayla? I wasn't this way when I was with her. She made me feel like Jacob. The old Jacob. Bella's Jacob. Was I just doomed to love but never be loved? I punched the wall in anguish, but nothing I did could relieve the gaping, burning hole in my heart, the hole left by Bella, caused by Edward, the hole Mikayla didn't realize she could fill if only she knew.

My thoughts were in complete disarray, my heart torn, and my soul knotted and chaotic. It was then that I realized I could never stand to see anyone else feeling this way, and I made a vow to protect those I loved from heartbreak. Those I loved. If I loved them, why was I letting them see me this way? If I never wanted to see them in pain, I was sure they didn't enjoy seeing me like this. I decided then that I would make an effort to return to normal, for Billy, for the pack, who had to hear my thoughts, feel my pain, every time I phased.

A strange calm came over me now, as I sat in my room watching the sun rise. My brain fell silent, and my soul found its way out of the knots. The hole was still there, still gaping, but only smoldering now. I remained that way for quite a time, surveying the landscape as it changed from navy to purple to pink to gold and finally to blue. Billy called me for breakfast, and, true to the promise I had made myself, forced a smile and bounded energetically down to meet him.

As I went, my brain suddenly went into overdrive. I wasn't, would never again be, Bella's Jacob. He was gone because Bella was gone. And I could never be the same Jacob I was before I knew Bella, before I was wolf-Jacob. And I had promised not to be empty-Jacob. But I could be a new Jacob…

When I arrived in the kitchen, it was the start of my newest stage in life as Mikayla's Jacob.