Disclaimer: Gundam Seed, or any other trademarks mentioned, I do not own. And that's that.

a/n: Uh-oh. Another hiatus. Well, what can I say? College takes away precious and much-needed fiction-contemplating time. Do not ask me where I was during my three-week semestral break. XD Aaaanyway...

Chapter 5 Crippling Grief

"What do you think of... whenever you're out here on the beach?"

The question was one Fllay had wanted to ask her brown-haired, amethyst-eyed companion for as long as she could remember. Yet only at that moment were the words able to find their way out of her mouth.

Fourteen year-old Kira, folding his arms and lying face up on the sand, fumbled in his mind for a suitable answer.

"Me? I think about... stuff."

And the above statement was far from being suitable.

"Oh," Fllay said, choosing not to pry further. Apparently even the boy's contemplations were under lock and key to anyone but himself.

But as the red-haired girl shifted her position, so she was sitting up and hugging her knees, Kira made to elaborate.

"Every day I try and imagine what became of my family in Orb. Who's been using my room? Did my favorite ice cream store close down while I was gone? Do my friends from daycare still remember me? Has my father ever gotten around to telling my sister to write me a letter?"

Fllay's head tilted to the side in wonder at the word 'sister'. This she had never heard Kira mention, not even once, to her in the last nine years. "You have a sister? What does she look like?"

The boy squeezed his eyes shut and tried to pull an image of Cagalli from one of the many memories he kept in his head. "Her hair's short and blonde and she almost never combs it herself. She's thin for her age, mostly 'cause she never eats much. And her eyes, well... You know how toast looks like when it's golden-brown? They aren't like that at all. But I think golden-brown is the right color."

"Does she... not like you, or something? Seeing as she never wrote to you?"

A sigh escaped through Kira's lips. "I don't know, Fllay. I used to think she loved me as much, if not more, than a twin sister would his brother. It seemed that way, it really did. But ever since I was exiled here... I don't know anymore."

The girl could not help but frown at Kira's last statement. "Is that what you really think of this?" she motioned, with a quick wave of her hand, to the log house and to the vast expanse of sea they were facing. "An exile? A life sentence?"

"It's not a life sentence, of course," Kira said pointedly.

"Well, you make it seem as if it were."

Without warning, Kira stood up, both his hands curled into fists at his sides. "What do you expect of me, then?" he said stiffly. And without waiting for a response, he broke into a run, leaving Fllay alone on the patch of sand where, before her last remark, two people had sat on.

"Father!" five-year-old Cagalli called, repeating the word with her voice an octave higher as she trotted to Uzumi Nara Attha's study. "Father!"

She flung open the heavy, wooden double doors with her little hands as soon as she caught sight of them.

"Yes... Cagalli?"

It was not her father who had spoken, but one of his many muscle-bound bodyguards, who, at the moment, was standing as tall as bamboo and seemed to do nothing else.

"Kisaka! Where's my father?" Cagalli demanded, manipulating (or at least, attempting to) her voice so it sounded older.

Kisaka was, of course, trained to fare well in battles with assailants much more capable than himself in order to protect his principal; much less to manage his principal's headstrong daughter.

"He'll be back some time after dinner," he answered shortly. "He just has an important matter to attend to."

"Is my brother included in that 'important matter'? Why don't I get to be in on it?" A pout appeared on the child's lips. "Besides, isn't it already after dinner?"

She was, however, a little less anxious than a few moments ago, after Kira - with a rueful look in his eyes - had given her what felt like a goodbye hug. She shuddered at the word "goodbye". What had that been for, anyway?

The bodyguard blinked once. "Oh. Yes, right. It is, isn't it?"

Cagalli could not suppress a giggle at the thought of her father's bodyguard being food-deprived. "You haven't eaten, have you?"

"Well, no," he admitted, a sheepish grin breaking the straight face he always put on.

"Wait here, I'll get you something to eat," Cagalli told him, temporarily shoving the uneasiness at the back of her mind for the meantime, wanting to do a good deed for a member of Uzumi's trusted staff. She actually felt a twinge of momentary happiness as she skipped out of the room to the kitchen.

The skipping stopped short at the front door as it opened, her father on the other side of it. (A flash of lightning and a clap of thunder followed, as if on cue. The sight was not much of a surprise, though; it had been raining torrents for almost an hour already.)

He looked as though he had been crying; he even seemed on the verge of shedding more tears, as his shoulders trembled visibly enough for Cagalli to see.

The girl opened her mouth to ask Uzumi what the problem was, and failed to upon making one glaring observation.

Her twin brother was not with him.

A different, almost automatic question replaced her unasked one. "Where's Kira?"

"Kira... Funny you should... ask that, Cagalli," Uzumi said, deflecting it. His bottom lip was quivering then, and he had to chew on it to make it stop.

"Where is he, Father? Where is he?"

He exhaled sharply. "I... I had to... send him to an orphanage."

And then Cagalli's uneasiness had all too quickly resurfaced, but in a more extreme form: sudden, unexplainable grief.

"You... what?"

Uzumi stood, waiting for the information to sink in his daughter's brain. When it did, he anticipated the flare of anger she was about to direct at him.

The stream of tears spilled down her face as she yelled. "Why did you do that?! Kira doesn't have to be in an orphanage! He didn't do anything wrong! And you know it!"

"I know he didn't, Cagalli," the representative answered calmly - or at least as calm as he could without having to cry right along with the child. "I had to do it. For the sake of our country, it has to be done. If I could, you know I wouldn't... But you wouldn't understand it yet, if I told you now."

As it turned out, Uzumi was right to not tell the girl about the underlying reasons for Kira's exile. Everything he had said was gibberish to Cagalli at the moment, as far as she was concerned.

Her mind, clouded as it was with too much emotion for a five-year-old, was coherent enough for just three words. Three little words that, when put together, could very easily deal a huge blow to any parent's heart.

"I hate you."

And with that, she bolted out of the open door, out into the rain, her father still rooted to the spot, unable to stop her.

Cagalli ran, her sense of direction - or lack thereof - leading her to wherever it wanted her to go. The rainwater blended in effortlessly with her tears, so it was impossible to tell which was which anymore. As if she cared. The sound of rain pounding on the ground was deafening enough to take in as it was.

She ran, until her little feet could not take it any longer. She closed her eyes. The rain was getting to be annoying, making her eyes sting. Or maybe it was the tears. But did it really matter to her then?

Just as she found the thought of lying on the ground tempting, she heard her name being called.

"Cagalli! Cagalli, there you are! I've been looking all over for you," Athrun's familiar - older? - voice made itself heard over the downpour. "Why'd you run off this time?"

Cagalli opened her eyes, and to her surprise, found that it was fourteen-year-old Athrun looking down at her, an umbrella over him, and of course at her then, too. She bit her lip. "I... Kira... I miss Kira."

She blinked. She sounded not five, but fourteen as well. And it seemed that she was indeed of that age, as the boy did not stare as low as he would have at her five-year-old height.

"Of course you do. I mean, I would, if I had a sister. Actually, I do have one. You. And do you know how worried I get when you suddenly get lost? Like now, for instance." Athrun gave her a stern look as he said this, but the relief on his features at seeing the girl safe was evident. "I know it's pointless to tell you not to do it again, but don't do it again. Seriously."

"Okay, okay, I get it. Brother," she muttered under her breath. He couldn't seriously think she could still see him as a brother after that accidental... predicament a few days ago.

Athrun laughed at his best friend's childish-ness, which triggered the warmth to travel to the said best friend's cheeks.

She looked up, not realizing the lack of distance between the two of them. "W-What?" she stammered as she saw, too late, how close those darned lips were to her own.

Apparently Athrun had noticed this as well, since he looked as surprised as she felt. With the shock still not quite gone from his face, he whispered, "Oh, nothing," and leaned ever closer...

*****

"Cagalli? Cagalli, wake up."

The girl groaned, hiding under herself under her thick blanket, ignoring Athrun's efforts to wake her from her dream - which he had managed successfully, as Cagalli had not a chance to get to the wonderful, wonderful part of kissing her best friend...

Wait a minute!

She kicked away the covers in much less time than a minute, and sat up on her bed.

Athrun Zala was sitting at the foot of it, looking at her with a raised eyebrow.

"Athrun? What exactly are you doing in my room?" Cagalli demanded, with a voice so groggy it was as though she had not gotten much sleep at all.

"Well, no one told me I couldn't," he said with a shrug. A smirk crossed his lips. "What, it's not like I'm gonna try and do anything. Not to you, anyway."

"Ha ha. You're cracking inside jokes now, Zala?" she said, with a roll of the eyes. "Anyway, what are you doing here at," her eyes darted to her alarm clock on her bedside table, "seven in the morning? On a Sunday?"

For Cagalli, and probably a good number of teenagers would agree, seven was an ungodly hour to wake up on a weekend. And Athrun - the one who supposedly was not a morning person - doing the waking was much, much more ungodly.

"I don't know, I think I have a case of sleep-onset insomnia."

She blinked once, uncomprehending exactly what she had heard. "Could you please spare me the geek speak?"

It was Athrun's turn to roll his eyes. "I fell asleep for a few hours, woke up at five in the morning, and couldn't go back to sleep anymore. How's that?"

"Better. I actually get it."

"But I doubt you've tried it lately. I mean, judging from that big, satisfied smile on your face while you were sleeping, you must have had a pretty good dream, huh?"

Cagalli blinked again, rapidly and repeatedly this time. "I was smiling?" Of course I was, at the thought of kissing you again. The heat immediately rose to her cheeks.

"Uh, yeah, it was great. I dreamt I was locked up in Disneyland for a night," she lied.

Athrun snorted. "More like a hot supermodel guy kissed..." He stopped short. "Oops. Forbidden word. Forgot."

"Really, Athrun, it wasn't a big deal at all. You don't have to resort to not saying the word in front of me. It's unnecessary." Yeah, 'cause I just happen to like it when you mention "kissing", her mind taunted.

"Alright, then. But let's not talk about it already. I'm guilty enough already."

"It's not your fault."

"Moving on," the boy said, dropping the topic completely, "I want to go somewhere today. Thing is, I want you to come with me."

"Like, right now?"

"Yeah, like, right now."

"Where?" Cagalli asked, suspicious of where all of this was headed. Athrun was being more secretive than he usually was.

As if his 'usual' wasn't mysterious enough. Even for his best friend.

"You'll see. We'll leave after you get some breakfast."

"No need," the girl said calmly. "I want to see where you're taking me, and breakfast is a delaying tactic. Now get out."

Athrun's brow shot up for the second time that morning. "Why?"

"You don't seriously think I'm gonna let you stay here while I shower and change clothes, do you?"

He chuckled. "You could."

Cagalli stuck out her tongue. "But I won't. So, out."

"Sure," Athrun answered, standing up and walking to the door. He twisted the doorknob and stepped out, pausing to say, "I'm really sorry about the k... the incident.", and closed the door without waiting for an answer.

He walked down the hall, his head down and his hands deep in his pockets.

Of course he was guilty as hell for what had happened, no matter how Cagalli tried to convince him it meant nothing at all to her. That he did not believe in the least bit. He noticed a new expression on his best friend's face since the ki...

The accident, he scolded himself. I have no idea what that look on her means, but I know it isn't anything good. She must want to kill me, and she's just not doing it to keep the friendship.

Well, the fact that he was still alive was something to be thankful for, wasn't it? And the other fact that Cagalli had kept his closely-guarded secret... closely guarded. That was another thing he owed her. Big time.

Because if his father Patrick Zala, ever found out, the beating he had suffered when he was five would pass off as a trip to the carnival compared to whatever his parent would surely put him through.

Not to mention the societal rejection he would surely face when the news would leak out. He imagined everyone he passed by the hallways at school giving him disgusted looks. He shuddered.

"Don't think about that right now, Athrun. Worry about it when it happens. Just not right now," he mumbled to himself, unable to continue a mental run-through of the possibilities his imagination was coming up with.

"I leave you for fifteen minutes and already you've lost a few screws?"

Athrun could almost make out the smirk in Cagalli's voice then, if at all possible. He looked up at the grand Attha staircase.

"Well, you can't blame me for being paranoid..." He trailed off, unable to stop staring at his best friend in shock.

It was not that she didn't look pretty... beautiful... in a little yellow sundress; it was that Athrun had never thought he would see the day Cagalli would actually choose, of her own free will, to wear a dress.

"What, you don't like it? You don't like it, do you?" Cagalli said, the familiar pout on her lips. She muttered something about having no more jeans to wear, followed by a string of profanities for not having more denim.

"Oh, it's not that. You look... pretty."

"Humor me," she answered, rolling her eyes again. She walked down the stairs with a grace Athrun had not noticed her capable of before then. Or maybe it was the dress, refusing to release him from the state of shock he was under.

"You might want to bring some flowers," the boy said, picking up a bouquet from the living room table, where he had placed it earlier that morning when he came in. "Alright, let's go."

"We're walking?"

"Yes, we are walking. It's not far."

"Okaaaaay then," Cagalli said, still puzzled about the whole thing. She was not big at analyzing Athrun, since he did not need analyzing most of the time.

That day was definitely not most of the time.

They both walked out of the front doors, which were open for the day to let the morning air in. Cagalli thought of the possible places that were "not far", according to Athrun. There was school, but what in the world would they be there for on a Sunday? There was also the ice cream parlor, but they had flowers - definitely not there.

Which left the many neighbors' houses and the cemetery. Oh, that narrowed it down.

Then it dawned on her. The cemetery.

Cagalli wanted to smack herself on the head. Of course. Athrun wanted her to visit her mother. That day was the day her mother died. And Athrun would remember it himself, because it was also the day his father...

"Athrun, thanks for reminding me," she muttered, her head down. "I can't believe I'd forgotten. Again."

He smiled. "Don't mention it. I'm pretty much used to your short-term memory, anyway."

"And I'm pretty much used to you, period."

"Good point."

"Hey, Athrun? Can I... ask you something?" Cagalli asked, on a whim, not even thinking it through.

"Sure, anything," Athrun replied with a nonchalant shrug.

"How did the... the... the kiss... feel?"

His brisk walk stopped abruptly. Cagalli had to retrace a few steps. She waited patiently for an answer.

"Um... odd," Athrun said.

"Odd?"

"Yeah."

"Was it the good kind of odd? Or the bad kind?" 'Cause it was definitely a good odd, in my opinion.

Athrun thought it through. "Well. It was a nice kind of odd."

"And you're saying that as a guy, or as a girl?"

"Oh, you know I was looking at it as a... guy... would."

Cagalli forced a smile. "Sorry. I just have to make sure. Just in case I meet a guy I'd like to kiss someday."

"You are not gonna go and kiss some random guy unless I know for sure he's safe," Athrun said sternly, his voice similar to the one conjured up by Cagalli's dream.

"Sure, sure, oh great and mighty substitute brother of mine." This was said as sarcastic as possible.

He couldn't suppress a laugh. "Now, come on, we're almost there."

They continued walking to the memorial park, bringing up topics that were as random as they could get. Anything to avoid that particular conversation from doing an encore.

Cagalli's eyes strayed to the spot she was sure her mother's grave was as they entered through the gates. Her memories of the funeral flashed before her. She made to take her eyes off the area to avoid remembering any more; at that instant of hesitation, a sight of an all-too-familiar shade of brown caught her attention.

A boy, tall and a bit lanky, with chocolate-brown hair was laying down a bouquet of daisies at the foot of the grave stone. His head hung low as he knelt over the flowers. The shaking of his shoulders gave him away; he was crying for Cagalli's mother.

No, he was crying for his own mother.

Cagalli continued to stare, not certain whether to conclude that the boy was who she thought he was.

Another moment of hesitation. This time, it came from the teenage boy. In the midst of his grief he looked up, amethyst eyes meeting amber, for the first time in almost a decade.

Different emotions were evident in his eyes, there and gone in such short spans of time. Shock, followed by a painful longing... and then a careful blankness.

He abruptly looked away from Cagalli, turned, and ran away, passing by the other exit across the entrance she and Athrun had passed through, no doubt.

"Cagalli?" Athrun called. Preoccupied with his own thoughts, he had not seen the girl stop walking until a few seconds ago. "Cagalli, are you all right?"

His best friend blinked. "Athrun."

"Yeah?"

"I... saw someone... crying over Mother's grave."

Athrun's head tilted to the side in interest. "Really? Do you know who he was? Or she?"

"Yeah. It was a 'he'," Cagalli said, her voice flat and seemingly emotionless.

"Cagalli, something wrong? Is there something about the guy who went to your mom's grave?"

The girl looked up at him. To his shock, Cagalli was holding back tears. Athrun could only look back, questioning her with his eyes.

"Athrun."

"What is it? Who did you see?"

Cagalli no longer made any effort to keep her tears in check. "It was... It was Kira, Athrun. It was my brother."

a/n: Oh. Nice cliffie. LOL. No matter how long I say my chapters get, it will always be too short. I noticed that much. Anyway, this is pretty much a chapter made on a whim, since I'm procrastinating because I only have, what, twenty-four hours left till the end of sem. break, I think.

Well, to answer the anonymous reviews, then I'm off to hit the sack. :D

animelover - Well... umm... That would depend on my mood, really. But I'll try and set my mood right so I can make this story progress faster. Can't promise, though, since I'm not having the time of my life in College. XD And yeah, is my plot really that predictable? The part about Athrun and Cagalli, I mean. LOL.

adrienne - Yeah, Pinoy, that I am. But I have trouble speaking - or typing - the language. XD And yeah, I based the title off a song by Parokya. I'm glad you like my fics. :D

M.S Arashi Sumeragi - Haha, yes, Lacus is evil here. Sort of. Although it pains me for her to be the antagonist. It just seemed fun, though. Unfortunately she won't be bad for long. She just ends up bring... misunderstood. Or something. You'll see. But as for the hiatus... well... I'm not sure. But yeah I WILL try. :D

Again, my bad for the typos, if (m)any. XD