IDENTITIY
I own nothing. Except Mikayla, the plot, and the title.
I went cliff diving with the pack again on Sunday. Sam said nothing more to me about Mikayla, and the others pretty much ignored me. Walking home that night, I felt quite proud of myself. I was becoming a good actor, and my smile was looking more and more genuine as it became faker and faker.
I did everything I could to keep my mind from straying to thoughts of Mikayla, but it was difficult. I needed a better distraction.
That night, as I sat at home in my room (Billy was out at Charlie's place, playing cards; they did that a lot now that Bella was off at college), I began to think about me; about how I had so many personalities, each only a small part of my overall identity. I looked out my window at my backyard, so familiar to me yet so alien. Everything was exactly as it had always been; every tree where it had been planted, every blade of grass as green as ever. Yet something, something, was different about it. A small piece of the backyard, somewhere invisible to the untrained eye, became diffrerent with each passing day. The wind came from a different direction tonight than it did last night; the moon was full tonight, its white light filtering through the trees differently than it did last night. But it was still my backyard. I knew nothing could truly change that, could change any part of my life as a whole.
And I realized that I was like my backyard. Some little part of my existence changed from day to day while my main being, the essence of Jacob, never changed. I was still Jacob. No part of my identity was really so different from any of the others. All parts of me were outcasts. As Jacob – Billy's Jacob, I suppose – I was happy, but there was a part of me that was empty. I was cast out of happiness by a lack of meaningful relationships (outside of my family); Empty-Jacob was always hiding just beneath the surface. As wolf-Jacob, I was constantly torn, part of me angry, part of me confused, empty. I was cast out of Bella's life then; I couldn't see her, risk phasing and hurting her. And as Bella's Jacob I was happiest, but I was an outcast then, too. Sure, I had had my pack, and I wasn't unpopular at school. But I was cast out of the part of Bella's life that made her truly happy. She had Edward; she didn't need me. And anyway, being Bella's Jacob was what caused Empty-Jacob to take over my existence when she left. And because I spent so much time letting Empty-Jacob run my life, I was now an outcast at school and in the pack. The only group I had ever been able to reveal everything to, the only time I could let my thoughts run as free as my four legs did, was gone. I couldn't phase with my secret feelings for Mikayla so strong. The only place I felt strong now, secure and happy, was with Mikayla herself.
I went to sleep that night, impatient for Monday to arrive and for me to become Mikayla's Jacob. The time for distractions was over.