MENDED

I own nothing. Except Mikayla, the plot, and the title.

I sighed. I was sitting on my windowsill, feeling more trapped than ever. I had run circles around my house so that, just in case any of the others phased, I would be able to phase back and have only a short distance to walk. Of course, none of the others did phase, but I had had to deal with stupid Sam rooting around in my head. Jerk.

I looked out and noticed that my sigh had condensed on the window. It wasn't dark out, but it wasn't light either. The sun hadn't risen yet; the moon hadn't set. The stars, though, were invisible behind the clouds that were starting to roll in. I sighed again, and soon, the sounds of my father cooking eggs reached my ears. Not much later, the smell assailed my nose, but I wasn't hungry. I wanted to get to school, to see Mikayla, to make sure nothing had actually changed.

When I finally reached math class later that day, the room was, as always, empty. I plopped down into my seat, put my chin in my hand, and tried not to look any sadder than usual. Mikayla came in, but I didn't wave. She sat down across from me as usual and looked at me in the way an adult might look at a crying child. I knew I had looked at her like that before we had our argument. I wondered what had become of her boyfriend and why she seemed so much less heartbroken than usual. I blinked back tears and had to look away.

"Jake? Are you okay?"

"Define okay," I replied miserably.

"You know what it means."

I shook my head, not trusting myself to speak.

She looked at me silently, her eyes full of that stupid thing called compassion. I just don't like it when people feel bad for me. It tells me that they don't think I'm capable of doing things for myself and makes me feel useless.

"Jake? How long have you liked me? And why didn't you tell me?"

I guess now that she had had time to cool down, she was pitying me instead of hating me. Suddenly, I became angry. I didn't want her pity. I wanted her love, and we both knew I would never get that.

"I didn't want things to get weird between us," I replied, my voice as devoid of emotion as I could make it. You were the first person I let in after a long time of pushing people away. I just didn't think I should ruin the only friendship I have. Because I can't deal with awkward relationships. I knew that if I told you, everything would either get weird or nothing would change. So… weird?" I asked finally, cringing inwardly. I desperately wanted the answer to be no.

"I'm not going to be a jerk," she said, a little slower than usual. "And I'm not going to ignore you. So don't worry. At least you told me."

I sighed, thinking that maybe, telling her how I felt about her wasn't actually in my best interests.

The bell rang and Mr. Aza called for quiet. I shrank down in my seat as much as was possible for me. As I sat through class, not bothering to pay attention to a subject I already understood fairly well, I thought about what Mikayla had said.

For the rest of the week, math class was spent wondering how Mikayla was handling the information that I had revealed. Before the end of the week, I was exceptionally frustrated with her. She was impossible. She knew how I felt. She talked to me every day the same way she used to. Didn't her knowing I liked her change anything? The way she looked at me, the way she talked to me, the way she thought about me? Did she even remember? Had I dreamt that I'd told her? Every time I talked to her, I felt like I was bothering her, like I was just some annoying little boy who had a crush on her and wouldn't leave her alone but who she was too kind to turn away. And it drove me absolutely CRAZY. I wanted her to look at me, talk to me, think about me differently. I wanted things to change. As much as I hated change, I wanted it. I wanted it more than I had ever wanted anything. But I couldn't have it. Because Mikayla was too nice and too worried about everyone else and didn't want to make me uncomfortable. Because she was just so impossibly perfect. Bella was this way too; always helping people, always looking out for them when she should be worried about herself. But I knew not all girls were like this. Leah, for one, was nowhere close to Bella or Mikayla on the kindness scale. And that blond bloodsucker. I suppose I'm just attracted to nice people. I guess its because they're everything I'm not and everything I wish I could be. Because they weren't hypocrites and I was. Because nice is an alien concept to me most of the time. Because I'm always drawn to the impossible.

I knew I should just be happy with what I was getting from Mikayla. I shouldn't be complaining that she was still my friend, but I didn't know what I actually wanted from her now. All I knew was that I wanted something else. Something I wasn't getting. I didn't want her to ignore the fact that I liked her. But that's exactly what she was doing.

When Friday finally rolled around, I was relieved that I would soon have two days where there would be no need to interact with Mikayla. When I sat down it math, it was the first time since I had met Mikayla that I wanted it to go by quickly. Of course, when I want a class to go by fast, something always has to happen to make it drag.

It had been so long since I had seen Mikayla happy. She came into the room, and right away, I could see the change. Even her eyes were smiling. I didn't know why she was so happy. I didn't really want to know. In fact, I wanted not to know.

But she didn't give me a choice.

"Jake, I think I'm in love," she said. I don't think she knew how much it hurt me to hear her say that. Great, I thought, Thanks for breaking my heart even more. But she didn't even notice. I smiled, but it wasn't my usual, genuine Mikayla smile. It was just the smile I gave everyone else when I didn't care or didn't want to hear what they were saying. Apparently, Mikayla was over her old boyfriend because she had a new one.

Math took forever that day, and I was ready to jump out of my seat as soon as the bell rang. I wanted to get away; away from Mikayla, away from her boyfriends, away from the school and everything there that made me think of Mikayla, away from myself.

Maybe Mikayla's heart was mended, but mine was more broken than ever.