A/N: Just a little warning, Jacob is going to come to a few bad resolutions concerning Mikayla that he feels are necessary, so just bear with me and don't hate Jacob yet. There will be plenty of time for that when you read OTHER Jacob fics.
CREDITS: Lose You by Pete Yorn.
LOSE YOU
I own nothing. Except Mikayla, the plot, and the title.
My way of dealing with things wasn't the same as the average person's. When most people were sad, they either tried to hide it or made it painstakingly obvious in order to obtain sympathy. I was entirely honest with my feelings. I just went about my own business no matter how I was feeling. And no one noticed. I didn't know if it was because nobody knew me well enough to notice small changes in my behavior that would tell them I was upset, but I was still hurt a little when no one asked if I was okay. It made me feel like I wasn't really pushing people away. It made me feel like they actually didn't want me.
So when I returned to school on Monday – without my happy face – and Mikayla didn't say a word, I was hurt a lot. I knew it wasn't her fault I was so stupidly blank, but I had an idea of how I wanted her to respond to the unhappy face I always had under my happy mask, and when she didn't respond that way, I was disappointed.
But I was selfish. As soon as I looked at her, I saw that something was troubling her. Boyfriend problems? I wondered. I bet now she knows she'd be better off with me. I looked more closely, and I knew it wasn't boyfriend problems. Worried, I tried to hear what she was saying to the two other boys who sat nearest her.
"…moving… because… well, maybe…"
I looked sharply at her, and I knew she could sense that I had heard because she looked up at me.
"I might be moving," she said sadly.
I didn't know what to say. She might have known I liked her, but the people she was talking to didn't.
"So will you miss me?" she asked.
"Of course," one of the boys said. The other nodded, but I could tell he did mean it. Mikayla didn't turn to me for an answer. I frowned. Things were going to get weird after all.
When I got home that day, I retreated to my room.
"Jacob!" Billy called when he got home. "I'm going to head over to the library. Wanna come?"
"Yeah!" I shouted back down the stairs, "I'll be right down."
I was planning to take a look at the CD collection. To get my mind off of possibly losing Mikayla, I needed some good music to listen to, and I was tired of all my own CDs.
When we arrived, I immediately left Billy to whatever book he was looking for and headed to the music section. As I was browsing, something caught my eye. I glanced over at the sparkle that had distracted me and saw that it was some woman's necklace catching a glare off the sun shining through the window. I squinted my eyes to see the details of the necklace.
It was a little black plate, much like a dog tag, with the word lost inscribed on it. I almost gasped. Soon, Mikayla would be lost. I snatched the closest CD and dashed to find Billy.
"Done already?" Billy asked, probably surprised. I usually took forever to make a decision. I nodded, feeling a wave of uneasiness wash over me. Billy shrugged and took my CD and his book to the librarian.
I wanted to get home quickly, away from the woman and her necklace, and I needed to lie down. I was getting dizzy, and I hoped the CD I had "chosen" had some good music on it, at least a song or two that would distract me from Mikayla.
As soon as we arrived back at my house, I put the CD in my CD player and pressed play. The first sounds I heard seemed to be meaningless chatter in the background of a song that had not started. After fifteen seconds, a single note rang through the room, followed slowly by two more, and then after a pause, continuous piano music began. Soft snare drums joined the piano after about ten more seconds, and the first lyrics followed.
I'm taking a ride
Off to one side
It is a personal thing
Where
When I can't stand
Up in this cage I'm not regretting.
I don't need a better thing
I'd settle for less
It's another thing for me
I just have to wander through this world
Alone.
Stop
Before you fall
Into the hole that I have dug here
Rest
Even as you
Are starting to feel the way I used to.
I don't need a better thing
Just to sound confused
Don't talk about everyone
I am not amused by you
'Cause I'm gonna lose you
Yes, I'm gonna lose you
If I'm gonna lose you…
'Cause I'm gonna lose you
Yes, I'm gonna lose you
If I'm gonna lose you
I'll lose you now for good.
I sat there, on my bed, hugging my knees for almost a half hour. I couldn't think. I could just hear those words in my head, over and over though I had stopped the CD. Had I looked at the back of the case – the song list – in the library, I would have seen that the song was called Lose You. I turned the case over in my hands. The album was called Musicforthemorningafter, and the singer was Pete Yorn. Until now, I had never heard of him. But as I heard the words over and over in my head, I wondered what he had been through, who he had lost and why had he known beforehand that they were going away? The track in my head ended and started again. As my brain functions returned to normal, I was able to make certain connections between this song and my situation with Mikayla.
I'm taking a ride
Off to one side
It is a personal thing
I needed to separate myself from Mikayla for a while, to sort out my feelings and make a decision.
Where
When I can't stand
Up in this cage I'm not regretting.
I needed to return to the truth, to Empty-Jacob, who had chosen to seclude himself from the world and who seemed appealing to me now that so much was going on; I was not sorry that I had retreated from human contact, and I had to go back to that so I could avoid doing something I would regret.
I don't need a better thing
I'd settle for less
I needed to stop chasing after people who didn't love me, no matter how good they were; I would simply have to find someone who I didn't hate.
It's another thing for me
I just have to wander through this world
Alone.
I needed to search for this someone, not because it was best for me but because it was best for the people I loved, the people who would be better off without me, even if I had to suffer.
Stop
Before you fall
Into the hole that I have dug here
I needed to look out for the people I loved instead of expecting them to look out for me all the time; I had messed up my own life, but that didn't mean I couldn't stop Mikayla from messing up hers.
Rest
Even as you
Are starting to feel the way I used to.
I needed to leave Mikayla alone, give her time to sort out her own feelings, especially because she needed time to keep herself from the dark, empty place I had once fallen into and would probably soon be returning to.
I don't need a better thing
Just to sound confused
Don't talk about everyone
I am not amused by you
I needed to convince myself that I didn't need love – that I would be able to survive on simple like – and that Mikayla didn't make me happy.
'Cause I'm gonna lose you
Yes, I'm gonna lose you
If I'm gonna lose you…
I needed to accept that Mikayla might be moving, that she might have really fallen in love this time, and that things might have gotten weird between us.
'Cause I'm gonna lose you
Yes, I'm gonna lose you
I needed to convince myself that whether Mikayla moved or not, she was gone.
If I'm gonna lose you
I'll lose you now for good.
I needed to lose her on my own terms; it would be my descision, not hers.
A/N: No, Mikayla is not in love with Jacob. She really does have a new boyfriend; sorry if that was unclear. And you probably don't know what's going to happen after this chapter, so, like I said, don't hate Jacob yet!