IMPOSSIBLE
I own nothing. Except Mikayla, the plot, and the title.
I looked forward to math the next day, no longer because I wanted to be with Mikayla but because I wanted to see how she would react to the indifference I planned on showing her. Would she try to save me again? Would she ignore me like she promised she wouldn't?
I closed my locker, not slamming it shut as I usually did. I just leaned against the door pathetically until I heard it click. Then I walked to homeroom, shuffling my feet and looking down, feeling very much like an insignificant submissive loser when people in the hall shoved their way past me and I allowed myself to be buffeted by their bags and books.
Homeroom seemed quieter than usual. Maybe it was because of my mood. I didn't have the energy to talk to anyone, even to ask for a pen. As I sat trying to figure out how to get through this first day of ignoring Mikayla, I realized that I did not have until math to prepare myself. I often saw her in the halls, and she usually said hi to me, when I wasn't with anyone else. For the most part, I had someone to walk to class with, but nobody in my homeroom was in my first class of the day, and I knew it was one of the times Mikayla and I crossed paths.
My brain went into overdrive as I tried to pull an evasion plan out of my ass. I should have thought of this the night before, when I had made the decision to ignore her, but I was stupid. Too soon, the bell rang and I was forced to leave. No matter which way I went, I knew I would see Mikayla. I would just have to pretend I didn't see her.
When I reached the basement, I took a deep breath and braced myself, and soon enough, I saw Mikayla.
Crap.
She was alone. I was alone. There was no way for me not to notice her. I looked down, angling my eyes away from her, but as we came in line with each other, she said, "Hi Jake," and I panicked.
I looked up, a huge smile spreading instinctively across my face, and waved.
STUPID! But I kept walking, and she kept walking. It was an ordinary encounter. I shouldn't have let it happen that way.
I cannot BELIEVE I just did that. I was supposed to be ignoring her! WHY DID I DO THAT?! I thought, furious with myself. I'll never be able to get over her if I keep doing stupid things like that.
I needed to push her away before she could go away, and I was incapable of ignoring her. Great. Had seeing Mikayla become nothing more than a social experiment?
I saw Mikayla three more times before math that day, but I planned ahead for all of them – I walked with someone and chatted with them, focusing on them more than necessary whenever Mikayla came into view – and I didn't have to say another word to her. To give myself the strength to keep my eyes locked on the person I was talking to instead of looking up at Mikayla, I permitted the last four lines of Lose You to echo in my mind.
'Cause I'm gonna lose you
Yes I'm gonna lose you
If I'm gonna lose you
I'll lose you now for good
The words reminded me that even though it was hard for me to distance myself from Mikayla now, it would be much less painful in the long run. If I didn't at least prepare myself to face the inevitable, things would be worse than they were after Bella left.
When I got to math, I was prepared.
When Mikayla walked in, I smiled and waved, but she didn't see me. Thank God. What was I doing?
I am not amused by you
'Cause I'm gonna love you
I'm gonna LOSE you!!! I corected myself. I closed my eyes, as if in pain, and sighed. No matter how hard I tried, I knew ignoring Mikayla would be impossible.