"She said she was a person before they brought her down

She was better than this dark relentless town

She had another lover who kept her in a cage

She had sold her future and buried who she was

And I said

I can make you feel it."

~Home Video "I Can Make You Feel It"

Blair sat across from Chuck on the floor, holding the letter loosely in her hands. She was shaking from her strangled sobs. Chuck couldn't even move to comfort her: he was too worried about comforting himself at the sight of her. This was the first time Chuck had actually looked at Blair since he had seen her throw up in her bathroom.

Now, Chuck saw how much of a mess she looked. Her hair was dirty in a loose bun, pulled back haphazardly from her face with no thought. The makeup that still remained on her face was smudged and her mascara was running. She looked not as if she hadn't put any effort into her appearance; that would have been uncharacteristic of a Waldorf and Chuck knew her better than that. Rather she looked like an outcast who was making a failed attempt at trying to imitate what a person was supposed to look like. Chuck could just imagine Blair's failed attempts at putting on makeup and choosing an outfit that matched. This saddened him for Blair was the most coordinated person he knew. Even her headbands matched her outfits and her mood. Chuck looked at her hair, searching for the headband he knew would be there, even now. What he saw disturbed the already raging state of his mind. Blair was wearing a thin black headband that barely showed up on her already-dark hair. The black reminded him of his father's funeral. He shuddered and knew that Blair was now in mourning. It was as if her crown had shrunk down to the measly size of this thin, sad headband with Blair's downfall.

Chuck stared at her, wondering what was going on. He faintly remembered his last encounter with her and the words he had so viciously spit at her. She and Nate had once again betrayed him. He had known it from the moment that he found Nate's jacket in Blair's entrance hall. He knew it now, but it didn't change how he felt. He wanted Blair to be his and only his. He knew this now, and he couldn't stand the thought of losing Blair again. Why had she had to spiral down so quickly? Why couldn't he have helped her? What reasons were there for choosing Nate over himself? But Chuck knew the answer. It was in the words she had spit at him while cavorting with Carter Baizen. He had not been there for her when she needed him. He had been investigating with Elle. Her life had crashed and burned and he had been too busy in himself to notice or care. None of this would have happened if she had accepted his apology after that brunch. And that would have happened if Chuck hadn't snorted coke and yelled at her for helping him. And that wouldn't have happened if he hadn't listened to his completely untrustworthy uncle, who was only there because of Bart's death. So, like most things, Chuck blamed this on his father.

Nate had been there to help her. He had been there to care for her after he had broken up with Vanessa. He had changed, but so had Chuck. And now Chuck knew that he was in love with this girl. He had changed for her. Change was an impossibility for Chuck. He was set in his ways and no one could tell him what to do. But she had broken through his barriers, destroyed the walls that surrounded him, and had brought him to her without even knowing it.

Her face was so different now, she seemed to be pleading for herself not for him. She handed him the letter and he put it down in front of him, worried about her.

"It's not his," Blair choked out with a strangled sob. Chuck continued to stare at her.

"Who then?" he asked, but he knew the answer. She had only been taken by two people, one of them being his dear Nathaniel, and the other being, of course, himself.

He understood her distress. Blair had not planned this and neither had he. This was not a part of her perfect life. And even if it was, it wasn't with him. He could never make her happy and it killed him every second of every day.

"Do you…" Chuck started, but he stopped and started again in a strangled voice. Of course she would want to get rid of it. It was his. She had made it clear that she didn't want to be with him by getting back together with Nate. Even though Chuck knew that she didn't want his help, he was going to be there for her. Chuck knew only one option. "Right. We'll get it out of you as soon as we can. I can send you to this hospital in France that I kno-"

"NO!" Blair yelled at him suddenly. She tossed the letter at him carelessly, putting her head in her hands. "I WON'T be Lily. I'm not going to… to… do THAT to our child!"

Chuck stared at her, wondering why she was acting like this. Her words took him off guard. Why did she call it our child? Chuck knew he had hurt her badly over and over again. How could she possibly want him back? He didn't even know why he had come here tonight. To apologize or hurt her more? It seemed that he was always hurting her. How could she want to keep any remnant of him after what he'd done to her?

Chuck picked up the letter, read it through ascertaining that he had been correct. He crumpled up the letter and tossed it into her garbage where he noticed there were similar-looking pieces of paper.

God, she must have worked hard at this, he thought. He would have too, if he had had to choose between what he wanted and what was easy.

Blair stared at the wall, her eyes tearing. The easy choice was to stay with Nate, have the child, and pretend it was theirs. But what she really wanted was Chuck to be there for her. She knew she had hurt him by getting back with Nate. Their games had only hurt them both for as long as they could remember. He had kissed Vanessa and it had hurt her right back. That's all they seemed to do. They couldn't admit how they felt. All they did was hurt each other. Without planning and plotting a way to get back at each other, they couldn't last. The only way they could is if they admitted to their true feelings right then and there.

"You don't want this," he stated blankly. "Even if you want a child, it's not me you want it with. It's him. That fact seems pretty apparent by the letter you wrote…" He looked down at the floor in self-loathing. He would always be second best. Second best to his father. Second best to Nate. Second best to Blair. He couldn't blame them. He was nothing that was worth anything. He was nothing to anybody and he was nothing to himself.

Blair's silence caused him to look up. She was staring at him with a look of wonder and curiosity on her face. She just looked and looked at him until he couldn't stand it any longer. "What?" he snarled, breaking the silence. "Just…SAY WHAT YOU'RE THINKING! FOR ONCE." Goddammit, he needed a drink. This night was just getting longer and longer.

She didn't say anything. She just sat there, trying to communicate through her eyes. Finally he broke. He didn't run, he didn't scream, he didn't break anything tangible. Nothing but his own heart. He just got up, stared at her, then walked over to her desk and took out a piece of paper. He wrote slowly with the same cursive he had used that night he had left a note on her pillow and abandoned her. He took deep breaths to calm himself and his hand didn't shake once. He folded the heavy parchment and placed it at her feet, his eyes connecting with hers. Then he closed his eyes, stood up and left. He knew he would be back. He just didn't know when. That all depended on Blair's choice.

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