"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."
~James Arthur Baldwin
--
It had been three weeks since Chuck had walked out of Blair's room and subsequently out of her life. She tried to be normal, and act as if nothing was wrong. She went to all of Nate's family functions, went shopping with Serena weekly, and continued to go to school. Spring was approaching, though there was still a chill in the air. Blair didn't show any signs of weakness, even though she threw up almost daily. She wanted to be strong for everyone. She needed to be strong. But she was so weak inside. She was lost.
She couldn't help but cry every time she thought of him. She couldn't help it. She read the folded parchment at least 5 times a day, and had already memorized what Chuck had written there so calmly and collectedly three nights ago, then thrown at her feet. The roles had somehow been reversed. He was calm and collected, and she was a mess. Unfortunately, this note was not something that Blair had wanted to memorize. However, she couldn't forget everything that the note had said.
Dear Blair,
I am sorry. You do not seem to be able to make a choice any more than I am able to tell you what I feel. This has gone on too long, and I know that one of us has to be strong and tell the other everything. So here it goes because this is how I feel. I will only tell you this once, and after that it's all up to you.
When I was a child, my father hated me. I know that it's not in a father's nature to hate their child. However, every time he looked at me, it was a look of cold, icy hate. I killed my mother. Not in the literal sense, but she died giving birth to me. My father never blamed me for it out right, but every time he looked at me, I saw it in his eyes. He expected me to fail at everything I did, and it didn't prove hard to live up to his expectations of me. As you know, I got high, I drank, and I womanized. Being with someone every night made me learn something. I was good at this, and it didn't feel like I was failing anymore. And I wasn't so alone anymore, either. I felt whole, like nothing was missing from my life. Nate was my best friend and I had you and Serena, even though I was never really close with her. My nights were filled with women and my days were spent getting high with Nate. And then everything changed. You remember the night, but you don't understand that night was a turning point for me.
You were beautiful. It was striking and I couldn't believe I had never seen it before. Of course, I had noticed you were beautiful. I had wanted you from the very second I saw you when we were little children. But, as always, Nathanial beat me to it, and you seemed happy with him. He was what you wanted, always. I didn't want to ruin your level of perfection, your happiness. You were always so put together, so perfect. I admired you for it. For what I was never able to accomplish, no matter how hard I tried. You were something that I could never have. The one thing Chuck Bass could never buy or win or manipulate into having by dropping his name. That night I saw who you were. Who you truly were. And for the first time I saw something that I wanted but couldn't have. Of course, I took it anyway, but you were not truly mine that night. You were his. And the guilt that I felt killed me. But there was something else too. Something that, no matter how far I ran from it, I couldn't help but feel it. I tried to make myself believe it wasn't true. For the first time, I felt whole. Like nothing was missing. You completed a part of me that had been broken for such a long time. I didn't know it then, but I definitely knew it when you told me you loved me at my father's funeral. In that moment, I knew I could have had you. You could have been mine. But, I left you. You understand that I did it for you. I would only bring you down. I would ruin your perfection, your happiness. And now, no matter what games we play with each other, I need to tell you everything. You know most of it, but there are weights that you must bear when you know who Chuck Bass truly is.
I am Chuck Bass. This name can sum up a lot of things, which I am assumed to be. This name can get me into almost any hotel, restaurant, or store that I want. This name is all that I am, but only to other people. I say this only because I don't know who I am. Maybe saying my name will help me understand that I am a Bass, and this is who I'm supposed to be. I am not a lover. I don't know what love is, but I feel it. I feel it for you. I don't know how to say it. I never have. No one has ever told me they love me. Until you. You are the exception in my life. You are the one thing that always defies my parameters. Somehow, even though I hurt you, you love me. I don't understand it because I don't understand love. I am not the best for you, the smartest or the handsomest, or even the richest. I can't be your knight in shining armor. I am not a fighter. I am weak and I am a coward. I run from what I feel. I run from what others feel for me. I am not someone who fights for what he wants. I can't because I know that I will fail. Because everyone is better for you than I am. There is no one here who can compare to your level of perfection. Especially me. I can tell you the things I have done. The people I've slept with. But let's take it from an even perspective. I know you slept with my uncle. Normally, something like that would kill me. No matter how unfaithful I ever was to you, I never expected you to do that to me, no matter how hard it was. You were always there for me, and it's only now that I see you had no choice. I forgive you. I know it would have been too hard for you to tell me. And now I have to tell you something. I hope you are as forgiving as I am for you. I slept with Vanessa. It wasn't something I enjoyed doing, but the emptiness was clawing at me and you and Nate were making a fool of me for the last time. I pretended she was you, just like you told me to. That's all I ever do. And as you hate Vanessa, I hate my uncle. In any game, we would be even. But this isn't a game. I started it, but I'm finishing it now. I don't know what this love means, but I won't be like my father and push those who I love away from me. I need to try to tell you what this love means for me.
I love the way you wear a headband every day, how it makes you the queen. It's your crown, as you deserve it. I love the way you twirl that ruby ring on your finger every day when you're nervous. I love the way you fight back against me. I love the way that you don't give up and you always try to match me when I plan and plot. I love the way you know what you want and do anything to get it. I love the way you and Serena fight and make up yet you still love each other. I love the way you didn't want to be mine. I love the way you let loose. I love the way you look when you sleep. I love the way you make love to me. I love the way you smell like flowers and my cologne, even when we aren't together. I love the way you look in your clothes. I love the way you look in my clothes. I love the way you are smart and powerful. I love the way your hair falls around your face and your curls are always so perfect. I love the way your ruby lips always look and the way they part and scream my name. I love your porcelain skin. I love the way you insult me, yet don't mean it. I love how you don't fight fair. I love the way you smile. I love the way you are so passionate about what you want and who you love. I love when you dress up. I love when you try to impress me. I love the way you laugh in the summer. I love the smell of your hair. I love your chocolate eyes and everything they tell me every day. I love the way you look in the morning, when you wake up. I love that you are my best friend. I love how you make me feel like I'm home. I love that you're holding my child. I love the way you love me. And I love you too.
I love you, Blair. I would never be able to live without you. I don't want to live without you. I need you. I only stepped down from the ledge because I couldn't bear to hurt you any more than I already had. You are my everything. I have never told anyone this much about myself because I was afraid they wouldn't accept me for who I am. I am still afraid that you won't accept who I am, because what is there to love in me? And I'm scared, Blair. I told you this, last summer, when you asked what I was so scared of. Now I can tell you the answer to that question. I was scared of you seeing the real me. Why? Because once you saw the real me I thought you wouldn't want me anymore. Now you know everything about me. I hope you can still love me the way I love you. I don't expect you to love me. That would be selfish, even for me. I only expect you to tell me the truth. Like I have told you.
But maybe, just maybe, I'm not Chuck Bass. In the literal sense, I am. But to you, I'm just Chuck. It doesn't matter to you what my last name is. All the weight that falls on my shoulders with that last name are gone whenever I'm with you. I'm just Chuck. I may be a better person when I'm around you. I may not drink as much, or womanize. I may be faithful and I may be happy for the first time in my life. We're Chuck and Blair. Blair and Chuck. And it doesn't matter what we're supposed to be, or who other people want us to be, or who other people think we are. We are us. And we're free from our world when we're together. And when we're together, I see what I can be. What I should be for you. And it's all possible. When I looked in your eyes and you said you loved me, I saw it. I saw how you saw me. How I would be. How I should be. Back then, I was scared. I ran from you because I was afraid of how you felt for me and how I felt for you, and how I was going to hurt you. But now, I see that I can be something else. I can be someone who doesn't hurt you. And now I'm going to be.
Now you can choose between Nate and me. Or anyone else for that matter. All I want is for you to be happy. Please tell me when you know what you want. I hope you make the right choice. The right choice for you. Because, often, the choice isn't yours. I want you to choose what you want for once. Only you know what you want. I love you and all I want is your happiness. It's the only thing that matters to me anymore.
I love you.
Chuck
Blair had read the note so many times, yet she couldn't help but read those last few lines over and over. Chuck loved her. She couldn't believe that Chuck had written this monumental letter. She couldn't believe that she had been chosen as having the honor of Chuck's life story. Of his only truth. This letter must have been extremely hard for him to write; yet Blair hadn't seen one trace of emotion flicker across Chuck's face as he wrote this. She credited this to his inability to show true emotions. She didn't understand how he had chosen her to know all of this. She didn't feel worthy. The whole night and the letter felt like a dream. She carried it with her everywhere. If she left it somewhere, it wouldn't be real any more. She needed to know it was true. Because it was all that mattered anymore. This was Chuck's truth. It was everything he had ever wanted to tell her, all in one letter.
And she couldn't help but be jealous of Vanessa. She knew it was wrong because she had slept with Chuck's uncle and never told him, but it seemed as though Chuck was now the more truthful of the two. Blair hated herself for never telling him about it. He had told her, and he had forgiven her, even though she had been untruthful to him. Blair was mystified as to the real reason he would do this. Usually, he would be extremely mad, furious with her. She had abandoned him in his time of need, yet he had just forgiven her. Maybe, just maybe, he was done with the games, done with the agony, done with the pain. Maybe he just wanted everything to be simple. Like Blair wanted everything to be simple.
Blair wished she knew how to face him now. It wasn't as if she didn't know where Chuck was. Gossip Girl continued to report that he was out and about, only with a slight change: he wasn't drinking, he was always alone, and wherever he went he always sat for a long time with no apparent purpose except just being. Blair had saved the one picture that had been posted of him on Gossip Girl. In the picture, he was sitting on a park bench alone, staring out at the lake in Central Park. Blair recognized the spot immediately. It was her favorite spot by the pond. She had gone there to feed the ducks since she was seven. It was also the spot where she had kissed Nate when they had gotten back together. How Chuck had known this was her favorite spot, Blair wasn't sure. But she was more concerned with how he looked. Chuck was dressed very oddly: dark-washed jeans with Italian loafers, a white button-down shirt, a sportscoat, and a navy peacoat. But odder than his clothes, was his posture. He was leaning back against the bench with his arms spread across the back of it, a faint smile on his face.
Blair was worried about him, but at the same time, she knew this was good for him. For the first time, he wasn't running. It was as if he was waiting, just being and waiting for Blair to find him. Now, she seemed to be the less worthy of the two. She wanted to be worthy of Chuck's honesty, of his love. She would be eventually. But for now, she needed to fix what she had left broken for so long. She needed to make this choice for once and for all. All Chuck wanted was her happiness and she was going to give it to him. She was going to make her choice, and then it would be over.