Warning: This story contains mentions of suicide and gives the impression of main character death, as well as allusions to one-sided love between boys. It is also written from the first person POV, and Naruto is OOC. Manga spoilers through chapter 440.
The End
Im sick of this. Im so very tired of not being enough for anybody, when I give them everything of me. I have been working my whole life to be acknowledged, to be worthy of love, but no matter what I do, I will never be more than I am now, and I dont want to be. Not anymore.
I thought I was in love with Sakura. She says that she loves me, but I cant believe her, not when her kisses are forced, and she looks at me with resignation. I think she wants to be in love with me, I really do, and I know she cares about me, but not enough. She will never give all of herself to me the way I was prepared to for her. I cant live like this, and its not fair to allow her to continue the charade shes trying to make herself believe. She deserves better.
Kakashi-sensei? I was never his favorite. Sure, I amused him at times, and I think he likes me to some degree, but Im not Sasuke, and Kakashi doesnt need me.
I have helped people. Konohamaru looks up to me, but he has his own friends, and were not really close. Neji must respect me to a point, but he still acts superior to me, and I suppose he is. Gaara I understand Gaara. Were the same, but Gaara never tried to be more than his monster. He shut himself off early. Now I think he was right. I wish I had allowed those hated words to sink in, I wish I hadnt tried so hard to pretend the words didnt hurt, or try to prove them wrong. There was never any point. I am still alone.
Iruka-sensei cares about me. I know he does, but he has new students to teach, and he has no time for me. Thats okay, though, I want him to be happy and to help others as much as he helped me. I cant be selfish.
Tsunade? She is Hokage. She feels something for me, but she acts so cold. I dont know why she can seem so nice one minute, and then the next, its like she doesnt even know me. I miss Jiraiya. Even so, he was never reliable. He didnt have time for me either. I was a burden on him, and though he didnt complain much, and Im sure I made him happy at times, he didnt need me.
Then theres Sasuke. My first friend. Now that I have lived a bit longer, now that hes been away for so long and I have begun a relationship with Sakura, I have come to realize that for all these years, I have been in love with Uchiha Sasuke. I always admired him, and hated that he never seemed to appreciate all that he had. Everyone liked him, but you know, I think he was just as alone as me. Somehow I always knew that. We were alike. We were friends, but again, I wasnt enough. I tried so hard to make him stay. To keep him from leaving me, us, everyone, but it was never enough. I could never keep Sasuke, not when I cared so much more for him than he did for me. He would never accept my help, and if he wouldnt believe he needed me, then why would he stay? What I had to offer was nothing in comparison to power and revenge. I was nothing to him in the long run.
So, here I am with this stupid scroll that I have filled so full with my bitter words of self-pity. Its pathetic. Im pathetic. Im sitting on the carving of the fourth Hokage. I dont want to me think of my father. He wouldnt be proud of me like I am now. I know he believed I would change the world, but I cant. Ive already given too much of myself. My father died for the village. I wish my death would be a heros death. I- I just. I dont know. I dont even know why Im writing this. It doesnt help; it just makes me see how much of a dobe I really am.
I know my lifes not that bad. I am acknowledged by quite a few people now, and I have precious people, but I just want to be someones most precious person. If I stayed here, maybe I would become that, but I dont want to live with false hope anymore. Im so tired of living my life based on the hope that one day I will be happy. What is happiness anyway? I dont think anyone is ever truly happy with their life, but if theyre not, why do they act like it?
I have finally had enough. Its time. I wish I was stronger. Wait- no, I dont. I want this to end. Please let this ache inside die along with my body. The final hope I will allow myself, is the hope that the Kyuubi will not prevent me from taking the last step. I dont want to be here anymore. Im sorry everyone. So sorry if what I am going to do will cause you pain, but I am finally going to be selfish, and in the end, my absence wont really matter. You will move on, and that is one of the things that hurts the most. I would have liked to have been so important to one person, just one person, that they would have not been able to go on without me. Stupid wish, I know. I just Never mind. Goodbye.
A/N:
I have been reading fanfiction for years and have wanted to try writing my own tales; unfortunately, I was never able to get a single chapter out. Id always type up all these story notes, and then my plot bunnies would turn vicious and point out plot holes. Scary beasts
This oneshot is completely different from anything Ive ever attempted before. Im a fluff-loving girl. Sure a little angst is okay, but I better have a happy ending, Buster!
Anyway, a few nights ago, real life had me down, and I needed to get some of my own frustrations out. What always makes me feel better? Naruto - and yaoi! - so I had a little therapy session in the form of this fic. Sadly, yaoi, at least more than the brief mention of Narutos mushy feelings for Sasuke, did not fit into this story. *shakes head in dismay* Still, this sad little oneshot ironically made me feel better, and I hope it does the same for someone else.
Well, with any luck, this has broken me out of writers block, and I will be able to post more in the future with lots of happy boy love. ;)
EDIT: Just wanted to add that I don't believe suicide is ever the best course of action. If you are seriously considering suicide, please talk to someone. You ARE necessary.