Naïveté

This day was certainly different already. First & foremost, Kenny was at my bus stop. Of course, his death had pulled him here in the first place, but he still could have gone across town to go hang out with his friend. I do enjoy the fact that Kenny would have rather stayed to chat with me, but it was a little unusual for him to want to do anything relative to anything that even came close to my name, unless I was the only person there was to talk to.

But, now that I think a little bit about it, Kenny & I are fairly close friends. In this instance, I don't need to say that he & Butters are close friends. Around Kenny, I don't need to force myself to act like Butters - that usual happiness just comes right along with his presence. It's been like that since about the time the gang - consisting of Cartman, Stan & Kyle, really - had kicked me out of the group when Kenny "permanently died." Of course, as per usual, he came back, but it was when he came back that we started to actually hang out a bit more. That was when I began to realize I felt a little differently towards him than I did for everybody else. But, it was a good different. About that time, Kenny didn't have to try to make me smile, and the more we hung out, the more I began to realize exactly what it was that I was feeling for him, which overall had confused me a little at first. Well, rather, it was more confusing for Butters than for me.

Around the time that I was in the fourth grade with the other boys, Butters had adapted a little crush on one of the Raisins' girls when we had all gone to Raisins to try to cheer Stan up. I think the main reason that Butters had adapted this crush was because she was pretty, and, hey, even I will admit that she was pretty. In fact, she was almost gorgeous. But, I think the only reason Butters "fell" for her was because I had adapted a girl crush on her. Well, you know what a girl crush is, right? If "you" exist, that is. But, either way, a "girl crush" is when a girl starts to have feelings for another girl - not like lesbian feelings, but, just, like, they find the girl to be sort of a role model for them. That's what a girl crush is - just the idolization of another woman by a woman. And that is exactly what I had developed for Lexus. But, Butters was straight - like my parents had tried to raise me to be. They tried to raise me so I could like girls, because they thought homosexuality was a sin against their ever-beloved God. So, Butters, trying to teach himself to be straight, developed more than a girl crush that I felt for Lexus, and ended up having a real "crush" on the Raisins' girl. But, of course, it was only one-sided, and little Butters got his heart stepped on. Inside, I was happy that it hurt so badly when she "left." It meant that he at least tried, and I had completely rejected the idea of being straight sexually. I was loving the fact that Butters' heart was trampled over by that skank of a waitress, even though it hurt me a little too, even though I didn't like her in the first place. Because that meant that I didn't like that girl. It meant that I didn't like any girl. So, while Butters was brooding over his lamenting sorrow for his loss of a "girlfriend" & being "dumped," I was overjoyed & pushing him back into the life that he could have that was actually made of something good, and thus pushed him away from those faggy goth kids. I understood where those goth kids were coming from, but they just took it to one extreme too large for me. And that was just ridiculous, because I went far enough with that already. Yet, at the time, I was also brooding with Butters. Not at the loss of his "girlfriend," but of the fact that I would have to come to accept that I didn't like women, that I wanted be part of the women.

I had always known I had wanted to be a girl, and widely accepted that (which eventually lead to Marjorine & all of her glorious fun adventures, and my whole cross-dressing escapade that lead up afterwards, along with growing my hair out). I had also known that I didn't liked girls, just wanted to be a part of them. But I hadn't come to accept that I still liked a part of humanity at all until Kenny came back about to me afterward. He was the true thing that led me to the realization of my taking to men instead of women. And now, it had become something I shared with Butters.

Think of Butters as homoflexible, per say.

His flexibility on the matter, however, was stuck to him because of my fear of my parents. Surely, my father would no longer mind my homosexuality if it was counter-acted by my role as Butters, who "still liked women," even if it was just a fraction of an emotion towards the female counter half of our society.

Perhaps I am simply overanalyzing my parents' wishes for me, and are therefore forcing them into my theatrical role of Butters Stotch to play those wishes out. Maybe if I told them I - not Butters - were a complete homosexual they would still love me. Maybe they would accept me, even if they did just ground me for a little while.

Oh yes, but the way, those last two sentences were for shit & giggles, as it is highly doubted my parents would ever do that. But, aren't parents supposed to love you? Like, an unconditional love that overwhelms all obstacles - you know, because blood is thicker than water? Well, when they told you that, they lied. Love isn't unconditional - it always ends sometime, doesn't it? And a parent's love for their child wears thin eventually, usually right along with their patience. Furthermore, I'm sure your parents are the same as well. I mean, if "you" have parents that is. For all I know, you could be an asexually reproduced organism from outer space or something, or something relative to Kyle XY. But if not, than you probably can relate to what I'm saying. I know Kenny can relate at least. His parents are practically none-existent. But if they are there, they are probably screaming at him or each other, or even beating him as my parents to on the occasion to me.

But I digress - as you can tell by now, I get off topic so easily. I would much rather dabble on the subject of Kenny than my parents, so, without further ado, back to Kenny.

By this point in time, Kenny has taken to leaning on my shoulder. He's taller than me by quite a few inches, so when I look at him, I have to look upward at a higher degree now that he's closer. The fact of having to crane my neck slightly to look at him was slightly irking, but it was nice having Kenny so close.

Originally, I think we were talking about Kenny's death last night (which was slightly uncomfortable for me to talk about), but now we've managed to get onto the subject of school, of which we are both dreading going to, while somehow passing through the most zany subjects like football versus football (soccer, we Americans call it), aliens, and homework. Why or how we got to those subjects from the former I will probably never know, but Kenny is definitely one of those people you can easily talk to. Well, at least, he seems to be for me. It does baffle me, though, how we seem to stumble across all these rather… debatable topics & stories that most randomly appear that rarely ever connect to each other & enjoy talking about them. But, between us, it's just how it goes (or, as Kenny put it, "that's just how we roll").

But soon, other kids start to arrive, who give Kenny and I strange looks. Well, they are mostly aimed at Kenny, as every single one of them knows that he doesn't live on this side of town. In a town as small as this one, everyone knows everyone & their mother.

Kenny doesn't seem to mind the stares - or maybe he just doesn't notice them. It's odd, though, he hasn't put his hood back up yet, which is quite unusual. Kenny loves to hideaway in his hood - maybe it's a comfort thing, but, lately, Ken doesn't wear his hood much around me. Which, personally, I like: I much prefer being able to clearly hear (and see) him, even though I do understand his usually muffled cries over his parka hood, but, occasionally, trying to decipher his words can become a somewhat annoying & troublesome feat of its own while trying to continue to formulate your own response to carry on the conversation & look like you didn't have to give his words too much thoughts to figure out what they were. Multitasking is fun & all, but that's just bullshit.

Judging by the crowd, the bus will probably be here relatively shortly to take us to the foundation of our lives - the ever-dreaded, most disgusting place on earth - public school. As soon as I think that, though, I begin to hear the clattering of our bus in the distance as the bus driver speedily rumbles over potholes that I believe have been there since I have been alive - and quite possibly even longer than that. The fact that the bus is here not only fills me with dread for the daily ritual of the bus ride to school, but it also adds a sense of loathing depression for the rest of the day. I sigh aloud as I wonder if I am just stuck in Groundhog Day or something relative to the sort, and, yes, you better know what Groundhog Day is, because it was most possibly one of the best movies of all time. But in case you haven't seen it - seeing as you really are probably an alien from outer-space with no parents & can just somehow see into my mind - it was a movie from back in 1993. It was basically about a weather reporter who seems to be living the same day - which also happens to be the worst day of his life - over & over… and over again. I think it happened once in a very similar concept in that one show on the CW - Supernatural. I'm sure you know it, or have at least heard of it. It was in the episode "Mystery Spot," in which Dead kept dying in the most unusual ways - and, oh, yes, every time he died, the day started over again for Sam. By the end of the episode, Dean had died maybe a hundred times and, speaking of dying, not only have I gone off on a tangent that is so far from my original topic, but that original topic was Kenny. How dare I! Really.

I blink myself out of reverie of Supernatural & Groundhog Day related things & look up to Kenny. The bus stops just in front of us & he has the most quizzical look on his face as he looks at me. I can feel my cheeks flush a little in embarrassment, but I smile at him brightly. I asked him what's wrong & he just shakes his head, giving a little chuckle. "Nothin'," he says in that odd drawl of his, a little smile on his lips. He then looks back up from the ground & ushers me forward to get on the bus, saying we better get on the evil yellow vehicle before the bus driver (yes, the same one we've had since elementary school) yells at us to "get our puny asses on the bus." Which, you know, she probably would.

I start to make my way to my usual seat on the bus. My seat is right across from Clyde - who I easily spot from his own seat. I most normally sit across from Clyde on the bus & we'll talk if he doesn't have his MP3 lodged into his ears. Which, he usually does, but he'll take one out to talk to me most of the time. Clyde's a good kid - no, no; he's a great kid! But, his friends are rather… persnickety, should I say? Quite vulgar as well. Craig, for instance, and who happens to be leaning on his shoulder right now, is quite the… artistic one. He has a knack of flipping the bird, even if he likes you. Around Tweek & Clyde, though, he seems to be a bit more restful than if he is alone. If he's alone, you just don't want to piss him off, so, it's best when you find him around Clyde or Tweek. Speaking of Tweek - I see him now. He's peering over the edge of his own seat just behind Clyde & Craig's, being twitchy as usual. He's probably trying to get Craig's attention or something, but Craig appears to be either ignoring him or listening to his music as well - I can't quite tell right now. Eventually, Tweek might give up or Craig with just give him his usual answer - the middle finger - and then he'll stop & sit back.

From when Tweek was little up until now, he had calmed down quite a bit. He still has minor ticks now & again, but they are more or less far & few between nowadays. He is a lot less paranoid than he used to be, and has become… rather optimistic as of late, for whatever reason. I think it's from all the years he has hung out with Clyde, Token & Craig. And, Token is probably hanging out with Red right now. They usually sit together on the bus anyway, but Token's bus stop is next.

I finally take my seat - and, if today could get any weirder, it just did, because Kenny just sat down next to me. I look up at him, and he looks down at me with a, "What?" I merely shake my head at him, keeping my eyes on his own blue ones. "Nothin'," I say very simply. Clyde, from across the bus, looks over at me, raising his eyebrows. Kenny doesn't notice because he facing me with his back to Clyde, but I do. I shrug back at him, and he shakes his head with a smile on his lips, looking forward once again. I smile too, then look back to Kenny, who takes a glance over his shoulder quickly, then back to me. He raises an eyebrow at me, and I smile, laugh & shake my head at his notion.

I sit back in the seat & look at Kenny once more. "So, why'd you sit with me, Ken?"

He blinks at me. "Why not?" I squint at him, having no idea what he meant by that. He just laughs. "Just felt like it, I guess."

"You just felt like what?" Wendy asks from behind us - leaning over the seat. Wendy's like an older sister to me - a definite role model for most of the girls. She's definitely a political stand-up, though, but it's to be respected in her that she stands up for what she believes in. Not only is she smart, though, she's gorgeous. She's definitely one of the most popular girls in school.

"Doing your mom, Wends," Bebe adds from beside her, and she & a few others laugh. Kenny grins at Wendy, who glares backward at Bebe. Turning back around, she looks at Kenny & I. "Doing what - that isn't my mom?"

Kenny gave a hearty laugh. "Well, aside from doing your mom, I meant doing Buttercup here." If it was possible to choke on air, that'd be me.

"Gosh, Kenny, you're so funny." Wendy says sarcastically, but she smiles anyway, before turning to me with a wink. I blush & say, "H - he meant sitting with me! Sitting with me on the bus!"

Wendy laughs and sits back in the seat next to Bebe, who scoffs. "Sure he did," she says.

"He did! Honest!" I pout & turn around. Bebe's a nice girl, but she takes things to a very sexual level. She's one of those girls who, if you're her friend, she'll grope you from behind to compare boob sizes. She's even done it to me before - quite a few times, actually. She hasn't change much since elementary school when I first became friends with her & the other girls. She was like the other half of the package to Wendy.

"I'm sorry, Ken," I say, looking at him with an apologetic pout. "They're just a little over-protective."

Kenny smiles in turn. "That's cool - I like over-protective parents." I - and surely everyone else does - assume that that meant that he likes his girlfriend's parents as over-protective.

"I heard that!" Wendy says. "Now stay away from my daughter, you sex fiend."

"Wendy!" I shout, turning back around, completely embarrassed.

"Oh, honey," Bebe says, rolling her eyes. "You know how your father is." I blush. Kenny laughs.

Wendy sits up in her seat & pokes my cheek. "Now, use protection, honey," she jokes. Kenny wiggles his eyebrows like he does at usual innuendos.

"Yes, sir," he says, winking at me.

"That's ma'am to you, numb nuts," she laughs, and Kenny does too. I can't get over my embarrassment to laugh.

"Come on, you two," Bebe says, sitting up with a pout in my direction. "You're the poor girl!" At that, Wendy eases off, sitting back in her seat while crossing her arms over her chest & giving Kenny a joking death-glare. I sigh & turn around, mouthing an apology to Kenny, who just grins in response to it, telling me that it's fine.

The bus hit's a pothole & then the engine dies out slowly, and we come to a stop. This is Token's stop, and he gets on the bus & makes his way to the back to sit next to Red, as usual. The whole bus is uniform, really. Except for Kenny today, but that's because he died last night in my side of town. Next would be his usual stop, with Kyle, Stan & Cartman.

I sit back in my seat & sigh softly, closing my eyes. I can feel Kenny snap his head in my direction, as if he was going to ask what was wrong. "Just a weird day," I tell him, telling him not to worry about it. He chuckles softly.

"It's South Park, what do you expect?" I shrug lightly. What don't I expect of this place? Everything happens in South Park, so what won't go down? But I guess that's how everyone sees the world, don't they? With the 'why me's & the 'how come the world is so cruel to only me's & whole boatload of 'me, me, me.' It's a little sickening really, but I guess it's just human tendency to think the rest of the world is plotting their demise behind their backs.

"I guess that makes sense. But today just seems a little more unusual that… usual, you know?" I ask, looking up at him. He just looks at me, a little confused. I shake my head. "Nevermind then."

"Okay?" He says, his little drawl rolling over his words. He slumps down in the seat as well as the bus engine slows once again until we come to a halt in front of the gang's bus stop. The doors open & Kenny slumps down in the seat even further - his knees up on the seat in front of us & head almost touching the bottom of the seat. I chuckle at him. "What are you doing?" I ask, giggling. He looks at me from the corner of his eye.

"Hiding."

"From?" I ask, grinning.

"Cartman." And - speak of the Devil himself (no, not Satan or Damien, they're different) - the bus tilts to one side just a little. Cartman must have stepped onto the bus.

"Move it, fat ass!" I hear, and I can easily place it as Kyle.

"Ay! I'm goin', you fuckin' Jew!" Kenny slumps down in his seat some more. I can hear Kyle fuming from my seat with Ken, but Kyle doesn't retort, because the bus driver snaps at him this time & gets him to temporarily shut up, and then tells him to "sit his ass up front." He does so, then crosses his arms, grunts & stares out the window. Kyle & Stan make their way to the seat in front of us & turn around to look at me, Stan resting one elbow on the back of their seat.

"Hey, Butters. Do you know where Kenny is?" Kyle asks, but kind-of quietly, as if asking it were a secret. I lift my finger & point downward, and both boys follow my gaze. Kenny half-waves up at them exasperatedly, his ever-sarcastic smile on his lips. "Dude, where were you?"

"Yeah, man. You didn't come over last night - it was just Kyle & I then." Stan asked, giving a little wave of his hand that hung over the back of the seat that motioned between himself & Kyle.

"Ah," Kenny chortled, sitting up a little more in his seat. "Sorry, guys. I kinda died last night…"

"Ah." Both of the boys in front of us said in unison, but Kyle continues. "So why didn't you come to the bus stop this morning?" Kenny shrugged, half-looking at me.

"Didn't wanna go that far."

"That far? Where were you?" Stan asked, lifting an eyebrow at his friend.

"I was with Buttercup here," Kenny atones, pointing at me. I look at him blankly, almost in question, but I turn my gaze back to Kyle & Stan, who have also turned their sights upon me - as well as Kenny. Kyle nods vaguely in response.

Stan opens his mouth to continue & say something, but then we hear Cartman yelling from the front of the bus - something that sounds like he's calling the bus driver a "dirty Jew-loving cunt licker." Basically, all attention was turned toward him. Even Clyde took out his earphones - it's a miracle! - to see what Cartman had gotten himself into.

As soon as Cartman yells that, though, the bus driver slams the brakes, and we all almost hit the back of the seat in front of us when she does. She turns around & stands up, then grabs Cartman by the collar of his shirt. We don't exactly hear what she has to say, but it must've been something real nasty for her to have gone so quite like she did. No one makes a sound, even in the back of the bus - everyone wants to know what Cartman did now.

She turns, Cartman in hand, and opens the doors to the bus, and literally kicks him down the stairs to the ground, to which he pulls a rather Craig-like move - he turns around and flips her off when his ass hits the concrete. "Fuck you faggots! I'm going home!" She rolls her eyes & closes the doors in his face, then sits back down & we continue on our way, with a pissed-off little fat-ass turning in the other direction to go home. Of course, he'll be to school in a few hours, maybe even earlier than that.

At first, the bus is quiet. And then, Kenny bursts into laughter. Craig follows, and then everybody joins in. Even the bus driver seemed to sneak in a few giggles of delight with herself. The whole bus is just roaring with laughter, and as it slowly dies down, we all return back to our usual conversations with each other. Just another day, it seems.

- - -

When we arrived at school, Kenny was first off the bus, even though we were sitting toward the back of the bus. I don't know how he did it exactly, but he did it. He sad he had "somewhere to be."

Inwardly, I was jealous & suspicious of what he was doing. He was most likely meeting someone - he had a fancy of doing that - and for that, I was jealous. Not only because that someone wasn't me, but because he had someone who was willing to wait for him. Of course, I had friends who would do that, but it wasn't the same, really, when you thought about it.

Because best friends & boyfriends are different.

Or at least, that's what Kyle told me once, but we won't exactly get into that right now.

Instead, I head off to class as I usually do, but before we go to class, most of the students hang out in the cafeteria until some of the teachers come around to tell us we have to go. Of course, I stay close to Wendy & Bebe - the boys won't usually bother me much if I hang around them, because most of the boys like them, or just refuse to get near the large cluster of girls that are chatting about things that boys won't usually want to hear, unless, of course, you're me. I, in fact, join in on the conversations.

The conversations with the girls are always fun. Of course, there's plenty of teasing & plenty of compliments too, and we always have a good time together. All of the girls' parents are really nice as well. They seem to understand my predicament & have yet to tell my parents, and even, on the occasion, some of their families invite me to spend the night - of course, my parents always decline because they believe one of the girls would take my virginity or something odd like that. Parents - I mean, really?

But, nonetheless, I love hanging out with the girls. They're all so sweet.

As we pass a few of the boys in the hallway, though, a few boys glare in my direction, past Wendy & Bebe. I can hear them make snide remarks & one of the boys grabs his junk & thrusts into his hand. I frown & look away, leaving the boys to chuckle at me, my friends not having even taken notice or taken action to do anything if they did. Inside, I feel terrible.

Outside I smile.