Story: Beautifully Broken

Author: Bellakatalina

Rating: PG

Summary: Carter/ Blair. It was an ever growing list: Her mother. Nate. Chuck. Her father. Yale. Serena. Blair Waldorf lost everything that was important to her.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl

"But there is really nothing, nothing we can do.
Love must be forgotten. Life can always start up anew."

Time to Pretend, MGMT

Her mother. Nate. Chuck. Her father. Yale.

Her mother.

For years she had tried to impress her mother. She couldn't shine quite like Serena, but she could be the prim and proper society girl. She could have the wonderfully charming boyfriend, be the intelligent student, she could do it all to make her mother proud. She loved her mother and how badly she wanted to hear the she loved her too, that she was proud of her.

Her mother was the first one in her perfect plans that she had lost. Truly she had never had her mother, but she could adapt and she could edit and it wasn't important that she didn't have her mother nor had ever had her.

Nate. Chuck. Her father. Yale.

Blair took a sip of her martini as she sat by herself in the bar. Her finger swirled around the rim of her glass as she repeated the mantra to herself.

Nate. Chuck. Her father. Yale.

Nate.

Nate had been her perfect Prince Charming. Since they were little kids, she only had eyes for Nathanial Archibald. He had been sweet and gentle. They could have made each other better. She would have been an excellent wife. She had truly loved him, and maybe some part of him loved her, but it wasn't enough.

Her plans had been wrapped around him, absorbed in him. But, she could move on. Blair reworked her plans because in spite of losing her first love she found another, and she still had her future. Things changed, but Blair could still be Blair.

The waiter brought her a new martini and quickly moved away the near empty glass. There was no need to see the drinks piling up on the bar. She was a petit girl, but he could tell by her look he shouldn't bother trying to cut her off.

Chuck. Her father. Yale.

Chuck had made her feel alive. He mad her feel beautiful. Chuck had repaired all of the damage from her mother and Nate and brought her to life. It was a gamble and it was risky, but she couldn't help falling in love with him. He hurt her. He stood her up on their romantic getaway to Tuscany. She wanted to stop feeling, but she couldn't so she played this game, they both did. She protected her heart. She couldn't say she loved him because it would hurt too much to lose him. She was scared; she was a girl in love who had already had her heart broken, but she repaired it and was ready to give it to him if he would give her his.

So she said those words. 'I love you' she said as bravely as she could and he threw them back in her face. She stayed by his side, she helped him get back what was his, but he threw it all away.

Blair was too scared now. She needed a different type of love. She needed unconditional love.

Her father. Yale.

Her father.

Harold thought her daughter was a princess. Her every success and accomplishment was never lost on him. Though her mother had never seen her potential her father had fed it. She had lost bits of him along the way: when he left for France, when she plotted against his lover. But she was his daughter, his Blair Bear and that unconditional love could not fade.

Until he saw the truth, the plotting the vengefulness, this is who she was. He couldn't look far enough to why, to see the insecurity and the vulnerability, so he left just like every one else.

But there was one thing left. There was one way she could get her mother's pride and her father's unconditional love. There was one way she could keep her future and not care about her former heart breaks:

Yale.

Yale had been her dream. She had wanted this since she was a little girl. When everything went away she had always had Yale.

But no more, everything was gone.

Serena.

There was one person who could bring her back, her sister. Serena would be the one person she would allow to console her in her misery. But the words she said would make that impossible.

I forgave everything all because I thought one day you'd grow up.

I always want to believe the best in you, Blair, but the bottom line is, betrayal's in your nature.

She couldn't dispute it. When Serena came to apologize she didn't want to hear the patronizing words because now she knew how Serena really felt about her.

It was an ever growing list:

Her mother. Nate. Chuck. Her father. Yale. Serena.

Blair had a talent of seeing what she wanted to see. She could edit and manipulate herself into believing whatever she wanted, but not anymore. Blair had nothing left. There was no way to rework her dreams. There was only one solution: give up.

It was time for her to accept defeat. She was tired of having people tell her she was special only to take it away. She was tired of loving people who were incapable of reciprocating.

Sadly, she was beautifully broken.

She didn't even hear him as he approached at sat next to her. She was caught up in thought repeating the words over and over to herself.

"Hello, beautiful." He said awakening her from her thoughts.

The word swirled in her mind. She loved that word: beautiful.

"Carter, what are you doing here?" she asked surprised by his presence.

"Buying you a drink." He said. He was forward he put his hand on her upper thigh, but all she could think of was that word. Did he mean it? Did someone still think she was beautiful?

Carter wasn't sure what he was doing here with Blair Waldorf of all people. When he saw her profile he knew how it would ruin Chuck if he got his girl, but as he approached her his heart broke a bit. She had always worn her heart on her sleeve, so it was easy to see how much she was hurting.

It was her eyes that gave her away, and he was flooding in a pool of emotions as he took her in. He didn't know what to do or say to make her feel better because he didn't even know what the problem was.

So, he ordered another round and started talking. He could tell by her body language that she didn't want to talk so he took care of the conversation. Carter told her about his travels, about exploring the world.

"It was good to get out of here. I was suffocating." He said and it grabbed her attention. "I was tired of trying to be who the UES demanded."

"So, it was that easy. You just left?" Blair asked.

Carter looked back at her. He shouldn't have said that, now she would want to escape, to runaway.

"Yes and no," he replied. "You see, I wasn't brave enough to stay and be who I wanted to be, so I left."

"But you are now?" Blair asked confused.

Carter nodded his head. He was still a rascal and he knew it. He wouldn't deny it either, but he didn't care anymore. He was back to his world and he longer bared the weight of expectations on him.

"I wish I could be like that." Blair said softly looking into her drink as if it held the answers. "Not care what people think of me."

"You can be, Blair." Carter told her as he rubbed his hand up and down on her thigh. She looked down to see the hand on her leg. Carter followed her gaze and regretted the touch. It was too intimate.

"I'm sorry, Blair." He said as he began to take his hand away.

"Don't!" she demanded as she clasped her hand on top of his in order to prevent him from moving away from her. "I want to be the new Blair." She said moving in closer toward him.

He smiled at her sincerity. She was so beautiful and so broken. How could everyone abandon her?

"And what is the new Blair like?"

"She does what she wants to, when she wants to." Blair said as she nodded her head. "No rules; no plans."

He laughed at this softly. A Blair Waldorf without a plan? Everyone in the Upper East Side knew Blair had planned her entire future out beginning with Yale.

"What about Yale?" Carter asked with a raised eyebrow and smile on his lips.

Blair's lips thinned at the mention of her dream school. But, Yale was the old Blair, so that had to be forgotten.

"I'm not going to Yale." Blair said out loud for the first time. "I didn't get in." She said as if admitting it to herself for the first time.

"I'm sorry, Blair." He said honestly. "I'm sure there is a way…"

"No." Blair interrupted him, "I'm through trying to get things that don't want me."

"So what are you going to do now?" Carter asked amused by her complete change in attitude in the last few minutes.

"I'm going to let you by me another drink, and we will see where things go from there."

Carter could help piece her back together he decided. He knew how ugly the Upper East Side was, and he knew she would crumble underneath it all, but maybe if he stayed beside her she wouldn't.

--

A/N So after Age of Dissonance I really wanted to just write something about how I thought Blair was feeling because poor girl loses everything she ever wants. Anyway, this was meant as a one shot but I enjoyed writing the Carter/Blair possibility so if you would like me to make it into a multichapter fic let me know.