Title: Blackout's and Lifeless Eye's.

Penname(s): HonoraryCullen1987

Rating: MA

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the 'Twilight' characters or any part of the saga, these belong to Stephenie Meyer. I just borrow them.

Summary: What do you do when you blackout and wake up hours later with blood stained hands?

This One Shot is submitted to the awesome 'To Kill a Cullen' One shot Contest.

Please check out the other entries here : .net/community/To_Kill_a_Cullen_Contest_Community/76759/- You know you want too.

A/N: Hi all, This is a story I've had floating around in my head but have been a little put off I know how we all love a nice Edward. Hopefully, you can get past the semi-evil Edward and enjoy the story. I worked rather hard on this so fingers crossed It goes over well. Be warned this is not a sweet story, It's about torment and hurt and not being able to live without the other half of yourself. Hopefully you will enjoy this and the ending won't be a disappointment to you all.

I sat in the cold, steel chair, my body frozen. I really couldn't remember a thing and I was still finding it extremely hard to actually believe that what these officers were telling me was true. It had to be some kind of sick, cruel joke.

She can't be dead, we hadn't long been married and she was pregnant. Jesus Christ! I need to stop saying it like that she is pregnant, she is alive, she has to be.

My wife Bella Cullen is alive. I told myself over and over in my head.

I looked down at my hands as they lay on the cold steel table, there was so much blood, it was under my nails and if I looked close enough I could have sworn I could still see it buried deep into my skin despite the fact that the officers had cleared it all away. I was freaking out, I really am just waiting for Jeremy Beadle to jump out and scare the crap outta me telling me I'd been beadled. I'm pretty sure I'd nut the fucker if that turned out to be true.

I sat there staring at my now clean skin and little goosepimples rose all over my body, I shivered as I closed my eyes, wrapping my arms tightly around my chest, I hugged myself and I must have fell asleep for a little while because what woke me up was probably the worst sight I have ever seen in my entire life and will ever see again.

Bella's dead eyes staring up from the bloodied carpet of our living room staring up at me, the expression on her face and in her eyes was enough to make my blood curdle.

I ran to the plastic bin in the corner of the room and vomited as the door to the room swung open, my stomach was empty so I just dry heaved for minutes feeling the burning sensation of acid hitting the back of my neck.

'Holy Fuck! She's dead!' my voice now coarse from my dry heaving.

I dropped to my knees next to the bin and my head flopped into my hands, and I began to cry huge fat tears, crying like you do when your five years old and you find out Santa's not real.

'Mr Cullen.... we are sorry for your loss but we need you to take a seat please' a woman officer who's name I really couldn't give a fuck to remember. 'She's dead' I mumbled to myself as I felt a cold hand wrap around my arm and help me up from the floor, my legs feeling like jelly underneath me. Silent tears now falling down my cheeks It wouldn't stop. Every time I blinked or closed my eyes I saw those once beautiful, dazzling, deep brown eyes, now cold and lifeless.

I heard a hard click, 'Officer's Smith and Michaels interviewing Mr Edward Cullen, Mr Cullen your solicitor has been called and will be here in 30 minutes, please be advised that you do not have to answer any questions until your solicitor arrives, do you understand Mr Cullen?' the chubby officer asked, 'Yes I understand my wife is dead and you fuck wits are sitting here questioning me, her fucking husband who loved her, what the fuck do you think your playing at, her killer is on the loose and your wasting time'.

I slammed my hands down hard onto the table my palms stinging 'Fucking answer me what do you think your playing at Pigs?' the two officers exchanged a look and I laughed at them.

'Fucking cunts'. 'Mr Cullen please calm down or we will have to restrain you and we would rather we didn't have to do that', I sat back and shut my mouth, fuck it I will wait for my solicitor to come and straighten this shitty mistake out so I can fucking leave and track the bastard that killed my Bella, and rip him apart slowly taking my time. Listening to him beg for mercy.

There would be no mercy for that murderer.

I sat in my chair listening to the clock ticking by slowly second by second, driving me more and more insane. I kept schtump these fuckers were worse than Laurel and fucking Hardy. I stared at them whenever they spoke or asked me a question slowly shaking my head.

A knock to the door finally broke the silence, 'Finally' I mumbled to myself, Officer Hardy stood up and walked to the door, unlocking it he greeted my solicitor Clive who can only be described as an arsehole, seriously why I used him was beyond me but Carlisle insisted he was an excellent lawyer so what the hell.

'Good evening Officers, I would like a moment alone with my client please?' he said slightly wheezy due to the extra two stone he carried around his gut.

He sat down in the chair next to me as the officers left the room. I just stared at the backs of their heads as they left us alone. Except the CCTV camera that is.

'Edward I have spoken to Carlisle before I left the office and he is concerned.... he said you cant, don't remember what happened and well without you knowing what happened earlier this evening. I'm afraid there really isn't much we will have to use as a plea for not guilty' he took a deep wheezy breath.

'Clive I wouldn't kill Bella I fucking loved her, I would rather rip my own heart out and give it to her than let her die. So, I know full fucking well I wouldn't kill her myself' I focused on breathing, my chest suddenly feeling heavy and constricted.

'Edward' Clive said 'I need you to be honest with me I need you to try and remember, try hard, start from the beginning of your night with Bella'.

I took a long deep breath and closed my eyes. All went black but with the darkness came Bella's lifeless eyes. Taking in a deep, shaky breath I began reliving our evening together.

'Today is our one year anniversary, we've been married for only a year and Bella wanted to celebrate, so because Bella was 6 months pregnant we stayed in and cooked a fancy meal of Mac and Cheese. I say fancy in reality it's really the only thing Bella can, could cook without burning it and she insisted on helping so Mac and Cheese it was'.

'We cooked together, we laughed together'.

'I was drinking my glass of wine while Bella sipped her club soda. She insisted that if she couldn't drink that I had to enjoy the drinking enough for both of us, she said with a playful smile on her face'.

I took a deep breath and continued 'we danced together in the living room, to her favourite song Flightless Bird, American Mouth. We danced to it on our wedding day and her face lit up when the slow music started playing, her deep brown eyes glimmering with the wetness of her silent tears as they slowly trickled down her face. I walked slowly to her and kissed them away, taking her into my arms, we swayed gently to the music her head resting on my chest and my head resting on top of hers. It was perfect'.

'We sat on the sofa after the dance, Bella kissing me and thanking me yet again for a fantastic night, I was on my fifth or sixth glass of wine I'm not really sure about that, anyway we sat there talking for hours. Bella telling me about her day teaching at forks high, I told her about my day working in the hospital with Carlisle. We ended up talking for hours about silly things'.

'When we ran out of things to say, I took to laying on Bella's lap my ear gently resting against her bump, listening to the beating of our little girl's heart and feeling the gently nudges of her movements. My smile huge across my face as Bella watched me and ran her hands through my hair'

I opened my eyes and looked over to Clive who quite honestly was so quiet if it wasn't for his wheezy breaths I'd have thought he had snuck out of the room. Jesus for once the silence helped me to get through this.

'Do you really need to know all this?' I asked cocking an eyebrow up questioningly.

'Yes Edward, hopefully it will help you remember the full evening the bit you can't remember what happened to Bella'.

I coughed and cleared my throat, still feeling really sore. I was handed a crappy plastic cup of water by Clive and took a sip, feeling the ice cold water hit the back of my throat. It helped ease the soreness.

The Bitterness was still there, along with the emptyness of my heart.

'We made love, Bella kept running her hands through my hair and she knew how it drove me crazy after a while I just couldn't keep my hands off her, we kissed and I took her slowly and gently on the living room floor. It was sweet and tender and filled with love, I really didn't want it to end when I was inside of her it was like we were one person, moments like those with Bella made me feel like my heart would explode with all the love I had for her.'

I sucked in a deep, quivering breath. 'She fell asleep in my arms, still naked and slightly sweaty but smelling so fantastic after our love making. I lifted her up from the floor and carried her up the stairs to our bedroom. I lay her down on the bed and I buried my nose into her luscious brown hair and closed my eyes'.

I stared at the white walls of the little room, 'Then I woke up in our bed with blood all over me and my hands coated in it, I felt sick looking at it. Not as sick as I felt when I looked to Bella's side of the bed and realised she wasn't there. The panic set it then and I couldn't breath, my heart was beating a million beats a minute and I felt dizzy. I swung my body off of the and ran down the stairs following the droplets of blood down the stairs, I looked down the hallway to the living room and saw that the blood got worse the closer I got to the white door. I tried to move quicker but my body felt like it was in slow motion and I felt like I was fighting to just keep walking forward. I had to help Bella, she must have accidentally hurt herself but there was too much blood for an accident, there was too much blood'.

'I took slow steps forward my body felt like it was falling apart, I felt warm moisture under my right foot and when I looked down, I saw that I had stood in a pile of her blood it covering my bare foot with redness. I fought back the need to be sick right there and then and carried on towards the living room door, the light was off I could tell that much. As I finally reached the door, I pushed my hand against the white wood. The door slowly swung open and it was so dark, I reached blindly on the wall for the light switch. My fingers found it, automatically flipped it on'.

I closed my eyes and took deep breaths, with every breath my heart felt like it was breaking and ripping apart at the seam's it was painful, I wanted it to stop I started to wish myself dead, I knew I'd kill myself there was no way I could live without Bella.

She was everything to me.

'Sorry this is hard' I apologised to Clive, he just sat there and nodded. His pen hovering over his pad he had apparently been taking notes.

I decided to explain the horrific scene that lay before me in the living room, I could remember it so clearly. I started numbly 'She lay lifeless on the floor, her body twisted slightly towards the door, her head was pointed right towards me. Her eyes were wide open and they were no longer warm and loving. They looked terrified and she looked as if she had been scared to death, she looked in pain'.

I clamped my hands into fists in my lap, my knuckles straining under the pressure and I took the pain out on myself. 'She had her one hand clutched to her stomach and her other hand was stretched out towards the doorway...... towards me'.

'I walked over to her body half expecting to wake up in my bed at any moment and this would have been a horrible nightmare, it wasn't. I knelt beside her body, I touched her blood stained cheek, she felt so cold. I pulled my hand away in reflex it was horrible, she was normally so warm and loving this wasn't Bella, My Bella was gone this was just flesh and bones. I hugged her body to me and cried like a little baby over her'.

I wanted my Bella back.

'I couldn't move I was frozen to her I couldn't let her lifeless body go, it was as if waiting here meant that Bella wouldn't actually be gone, If I just held onto her long enough I could magically bring her back to life'.

Clive's pen dragged across the paper and the scratching sound made me feel sick again, everything about tonight and right now was making me sick. She can't be dead how can I go on.

'That's when the police started banging on the door, that's when the sirens started blaring, that's when I heard the door crash open, that's when I heard the stomps of numerous police footwear heading right towards me and I instinctively clutched Bella tighter to me'.

'They were gonna try and take her away from me, she couldn't leave if she did I would be lost without her forever. I clutched her to me tighter as the police pointed their guns at me and surrounded us'.

'Step away from the woman, stand up and put your hands on the back of your head' I heard one of the officers shout but I ignored them I held her closer to me 'She's my wife I screamed to them from the top of my lungs, each time they just kept shouting Sir step away from the body or we will have to use force'. I felt a knee in my back as my hands were pulled away from Bella and round to my back, cold metal cuffs were being slapped onto my wrists tightly, it hurt. I screamed at them, I kicked and shouted at them this was my wife and they was trying to seperate me from her'.

They didn't even know her name. I did.

'I was eventually dragged away from her and pushed forcefully into the back of one of the squad cars.

I waited as one of the officers sat in the front of the car waiting with me. We both watched as the medical crew went in and checked Bella over, after what seemed like forever a coroner van pulled up and my heart felt like it had ripped apart permenantly now, this meant that she really was dead. Forever gone.

They rolled a black bag on a trolley into our home and after staring at the closed door, It opened. The coroner's bag was no longer empty it had a Bella shaped body in it and I screamed and shouted as they rolled her body away from me and into the black van. The officer said something to me but I ignored him and just sat in the back of the cruiser sobbing hysterically. How can life change so dramatically in less than 24 hours?'

I sat in silence for a little while, tears silently running down my face, Clive just sat and waited for me to continue.

'That's when they bought me here and that's all I remember I was asleep, someone must have broken in and killed Bella, they must have. They made it look like I did, they set me up. I don't know why but they did they are obviously fucked in the head! I wouldn't fucking murder my own wife, for fuck sake she was six months pregnant you would have to be fucking warped in the head to do that!' I shouted at Clive he didn't flinch he just sat there in his chair and took my abuse.

'Edward you had blood on your hands, how would they have done that without waking you up. Listen Edward, I'm sorry but your family has already been informed, you have been arrested for the murder of Bella Cullen and her unborn, sorry.... your, unborn child. I really don't think that we can get you off for this, maybe we could plea Insanity and you could spend your sentence in a hospital rather than a prison, do you understand what I'm saying, Edward?'

When I woke up I was cuffed to a hospital bed, Carlisle was sitting next to my bed as well as a uniformed officer. 'Edward' Carlisle said his face full of concern as he stood up from his chair, 'Are you feeling okay? you blacked out son' his face pale and his eyes looked heartbroken but still worried like a father's worry.

'Dad, Bella's dead, I can't remember what happened, I, I, I.... I just remember feeling really angry at some point in the middle of the night, I felt like I could rip someone apart I don't know why but I needed something to drink so I walked down to the kitchen. I sat in the kitchen drinking a beer, I don't remember anything else... I mean I must have blacked out or something I can't remember anything, except waking up and finding Bella dead, fucking dead dad! How the fuck am I supposed to go on I can hardily breath without her. It hurt's she was my life Carlisle, she was my Everything! Everything fucking little thing!'

The officer cleared his throat and spoke to my father, ignoring me 'Dr. Cullen how is his health? Both Mentally and Physically?' He spoke as if I wasn't fucking in the room like a fucking two year old. 'Edward should be fine but I recommend he stays here in the care of the hospital for a few days to ensure his physical health and mental health are stable before being moved'.

Carlisle gave me a look and then turned back to the officer, clearing his throat he said 'He's too unstable to go to prison it would be under my professional recommendation that he be put into care in a mental institution, feel free to ask the opinion of any of the other doctor's at the hospital if you wish. But I will stand up in front of the judge to state that Edward should not be put in prison, he is a risk to himself and others'.

The officer nodded and left the room, another uniformed officer taking stand outside of my room. Probably to make sure Carlisle didn't try to break me out of here.

'What the fuck dad!?' I yelled at him now we were alone.

'Edward I'm worried about you, what happened to you and Bella is serious I think you need proper medical attention and I do believe you when you say you blacked out and can't remember anything. It sounds to me son like you suffered from a rage black out and this can't go without treatment. In such a hostile environment as a prison, you might end up hurting someone or yourself' his face was sincere and I didn't think I could die anymore on the inside than I did in that moment.

'Dad I need your help.' I said quietly as he sat next to my bed, 'I.... I can't live without Bella, it hurts too much and if I do suffer from these rage blackout's and it turns out that I fucking killed her then........ that would be a million times worse. I can't live without her and I definitely don't want to take another breath if I was the one who killed her. I mean fuck she's dead, we were making love less than 24 hours ago dad we were gonna have a baby, a life, a little family of our own, we just bought a fucking house.'

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes I said 'Dad I need you to help me kill myself, I can't live without her and I can't live with myself for what I've done to her'.

He was quiet, the room was too quiet, outside you could hear the mumbles of doctor's talking to patients, families consoling each other, nurse's rushing around. But inside this room it was eerily quiet. 'Dad?'

'Edward do you know what your asking me to do?' his eyes were moist and he looked heartbroken by my request but honestly I would never ask this of him, but I was under arrest and either way I was gonna be spending a long, long time behind bars for Bella's murder. I knew it.

I nodded at him and mumbled 'Please Dad?'.

'Jesus Edward, I don't know, your asking me to help you die, I understand your in pain but Esme wouldn't want this and what about Alice, Rosalie, Jasper, Emmett, ME! you gonna leave us all behind to suffer without both you and Bella. I could lose my medical license as well. Not to mention the fact that I will have to live with the fact that I helped my own son kill himself'.

His hands shook as he took another deep breath 'Edward I love you son'.

He walked out of the room and left me lying on the bed still tightly cuffed to the metal frame of the bed, the silence continued in my room and no-one entered for what seemed like a century. I stared at the ceiling of the room and thought of what my life was going to be like now without Bella and living with the horror of what I have done.

Carlisle walked back into the room, his hands placed firmly in his pockets, 'Edward I'm going to give you something to h,h,h,help you, I have already cleared this with the officer outside'.

He pulled his hand out of his pocket and held a small syringe in his hand filled with clear liquid, he took a deep breath and with shaky hands he pulled the little green cap off of the end and pushed the syringe into my IV.

He looked me in the eyes 'Are you sure?' he whispered under his breath.

'Yes' I said my voice breaking at the end 'I'm sure'.

He shook his head and pushed the clear liquid into my IV.

'I'm sorry son, so,so, so sorry, What have I done' he said his voice crackly and tears slipping from his icy blue eyes, I took his hand in mine and silently thanked him for my painless release from what would have sure been a very painful existence without Bella.

I felt sleepy, my eyes grew more heavier by the minute, my hand loosened around Carlisle's, I closed my eyes for the last time.

Blackness engulfed me and I saw Bella's eyes again, lifeless. My breathing slowed and my heartbeat became shallow as I felt my last breaths empty out of my body.

'Goodnight Edward' Carlisle said as he placed a kiss on my forehead.

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