Wow! I can't believe people actually read this crap! Thank you!~So now someone's going to act out all of the items on the list...muahaha....
A Certain Person by the name of Miri was busy annoying the hell out of Ed. Then, the Authoress was bored of writing that, simply because it was too easy, and came down in person on a beam of holy pink light. Said Authoress cursed fluently at the Holy Lights people for replacing the green slide with pink. She cut their wages. They were not happy.
"Hi, Jessie!" said Miri, and hugged the Authoress. The Authoress grumbled for a little, patted her head and said, "You're a good kid." In the meanwhile, Ed had run away. Pink lights did not bode well for ANYONE.
"Miri, I'm writing a fic about annoying Roy, and since I can't use myself, or an alternate version of myself(1), I need you to do it."
Miri looked troubled. "But, I'm already in FMA-verse, and I can't annoy two people well at once. I'll need to abandon annoying Ed."
The Authoress saw the wisdom of this statement, and pondered. Then, she said, "Screw it, bring Tasha. We'll give her the list and see what happens. She's been moldering away for a while."
And so, Tasha was brought from her dusty corner of the Anne of Green Gables fanfiction, and agreed to the terms. She was last seen cackling evilly and looking over a piece of paper with glee.
1) Call him a wet match, the most obvious slur.
Tasha was granted the teleportation power for the duration of the fic, and transported herself into Roy's office. He stared at a small, Japanese girl who had suddenly appeared in his office. She grinned widely, and said,
"Geez, what's a wet match like you doing in an office like this?" And she threw a bucket of water over him, teleporting herself to the safe house.
Roy sat there for a few seconds in a stupor. Then in a volume that was heard all over Central, he yelled,
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!"
2) Post posters all around Central talking about the play, "The Useless wet Match! Starring Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist!"
"Look, the bucket was a nice touch, but try not to overdo it this time." The Authoress paused.
"Actually, overdo it. For the lulz." Tasha saluted and walked off on her merry way to make the Colonel's life hell.
After ten hours, twenty five minutes and seven seconds, the posters were made, put up, admired, and laughed about.
It took Roy two seconds to know who did it.
He walked to the safe house (A.K.A Ed and Al's house) and pounded on the door, yelling, "IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU, FULLMETAL SHRIMP, GIVE ME THE GIRL SO THAT-" And at once, Ed had opened the window, jumped out and planted a fist in the general direction of the Colonel's shoes in one smooth movement.
"HOW DARE YOU CALL ME SO SMALL THAT I CAN LIVE ON A GRAIN OF SAND!"
The fighting continued for a little while, and then it was ended by Tasha herself. Knowing that if she stepped outside, she would be screwed, she instead threw an authentic Mary Sue through the window. Roy and Ed killed her violently, and then forgot completely what they were fighting about. They shook hands with each other, and Roy walked halfway to his house before remembering why he had gone in the first place.
3) Make him join an Edward Elric fan club.
"Hey, Roy," Tasha kicked the door open and sat menacingly on his floor. "I need to ask you a question."
"42," answered Roy immediately.
"Wrong. 51. But anyways, I need you to go join an Edward Elric fanclub." She said. She then hovered in the air around two feet off the ground, still in a cross-legged position.
"And what if I say no?" He asked warily.
She grinned, and was about to light his finished paperwork on fire. Then she frowned, whipped out a piece of paper, and swore. She tucked the paper back into her pocket and said, "I am a nearly omnipotent being with the power to levitate and teleport. You. Do Not. Want. To. Fuck. With. Me."
Roy shivered, and he quickly found a group of the Resembool Rangers, who were busy trying to convert some Kitty Patrolers(2). He joined them, and soon became President.
4) Tell Ed about it.
Tasha spoke into her communicator, "One to beam up." She was bashed over the head for obscure Star Trek references and was beamed to the Elric's temporary apartment. She grinned evilly. Then she walked into the living room and by the power of Deus ex Machina, found Ed reading a book without Al near him. She whispered something in his ear, and he bolted upright, threw the book across the room and jumped out the window.
Sighing, Tasha moved to pick up the book, and then she translocated to Hawkeye's apartment.
5) Tell Riza.
"Hey, Riz-" Tasha called. She was interrupted with a gun to the head.
"Tell me who you are, how you got in here, and-oh, wait. Sorry, Tasha." The gun was brought back, and the Authoress concentrated hard on a new hat. She got a derby(3).
"Damn you, I need my Yankees hat!" she plucked a cap out of the air and sighed happily. Then she realized that she was wasting space with these sentences.
Tasha glared at the Authoress and her new cap before going back to Hawkeye.
"Hey, Riza. Do you know that Roy's joined the Edward Elric fan club?"
She quickly beamed to Roy's office and hid behind a curtain. She watched while the Colonel sighed, yawned, and complained through his paperwork. Then the door burst open and two irate blonds strode down the aisle and started yelling at the Flame Alchemist.
Tasha stepped out from behind the curtain and passed popcorn to Havoc, Fury, Breda and Falman. While they watched the epic argument, which involved Roy being thrown out the window and shot at, they thanked the Authoress for thinking up this particular item on the list. She threw them more popcorn, and then marveled at her creation.
shanksXbrookfan6, Kamati27, colorfulquirkcutieanimefan, peaceofmindalchemist: Thanks for the favorite! It's much appreciated! Cool pen names!
1) Sorry guys, Dem does this as well. Much as I want to do this as an alter form, I can't use it.
2) Kitty Patrolers- Alphonse Elric fanclub. I realized he didn't have one...
3) If anyone at ALL gets this reference, then...I'll use your OC in the story with your permission!