In this installment of this fic, I made Roy slightly OOC and tortured him immensely. I have no regrets. BY THE WAY: the contest is closed. Sacalow, peaceofmindalchemist, ARiN, iTorchic, and tinytokirarabbit, you've WON. [okay, yes, admittidly they were only included because they were the ONLY ONES WHO REMOTELY TRIED. By the way, please correct me if I forgot you]. You have to comment or PM me before Christmas (preferably) to let me know what your character looks like, that you accept, you are an awesome writer, etc. Thank you and enjoy. P.S, if you wanted to know why I was gone so long, two words- Midterm. Exams. We start prepping early. *shudder*

1) Set fire to the paperwork he just finished.

"Paperwork, paperwork, go away, please…HAH!" Roy said, signing the very last document in the inbox. He placed it smugly in the 'out' box and walked outside of his office, whistling and innocent. Well, as innocent as Roy can be. The Authoress points out that he's Roy.

Tasha, of course, used the plot device to sneak into his office, deeming it necessary to sneak instead of walking through the wall-but then, that would've been too damn easy.

And so, the paperwork met a tragic end. It held valiantly against the flames for .3298 seconds before crumpling into dirty grey ashes.

All done before Roy's horrified eyes.

While some people might think that weird that he had gone out of the office and then materialized when going back in, the Authoress must digress; she is a shitty writer and this is a crackfic. End of discussion.

2) Blame spontaneous combustion. See if he cries.

"Wow, look!" said Tasha gleefully. "Spontaneous combustion! I thought that it only happens in movies."

Roy lowered his head into his hands, wondering just how many hours he was going to be forced to spend to make up for the work he just lost. He felt his shoulders shake and bend from the strain and he completely broke down, sobbing.

Because the papers she had burned was the petition for a "Be Führer for a Day!"

3) Find every girl that he's ever gone out with and tell them he's actually gay for Hughes.

"Oh. Shit."

There was no way in hell that she was going to do this. The reason?

The Authoress had compiled a gigantic list of all the girls he had ever gone out with. Since he went out with a different girl every month, and he hasn't been single for more than 5 months since he was 17, plus he started dating when he was 14…

He was getting around town, that was certain. And Tasha needed an army. A frickin' army.

She proceeded to round up all of the men whose girlfriends were stolen by Mustang.

-----

When she and the men who'd accompanied her had rounded up all of the girls, they were herded into the main courtyard of HQ. Stepping up on a makeshift stage of three tomato crates piled on top of each other, she took out a megaphone and said,

"You all know Roy Mustang."

There was a pause as cat-calls, booing, and snarky comments erupted from the crowd.

"Well, just to let you know; he's actually gay for Hughes. He was screwing. Over. All. Of. You.

4) Give them his address and phone number.

"He lives XXXX XXX XXXX and his phone number is XXXX XXXX. May you go in peace."

5) Bring Hughes back to life and tell him this news.

Tasha ascended the hill where a Lieutenant Colonel was buried. She reached the top and turned to the white-gloved mouse beside her.

"So you've got the Disney Magic©, right?"

"You betcha!" said the mouse cheerily.

"Do you really talk like that or is it a habit?" she asked, curious.

Mickey Mouse shivered and looked over his shoulder.

"If we don't, we are…taken. The ones who are taken are given back…but something's not quite right with them." he whispered.

Tasha tried her best not to laugh at it, even though the Mouse was in earnest and he was in fetal position, muttering, "Please, no…I'll be happy…you betcha…you betcha…oh boy…"

The Mouse was snapped out of it and using the extremely potent Disney Magic©, he called up Hughes into the exact flesh-blood-replica of his body that the Mouse had made beforehand. Waving goodbye to Mickey, Tasha quickly clicked off a round of camera tape to make sure she had good ghost pictures to send home.

------

"Wow! I never knew that people used cameras like that anymore!" said Hughes happily. "You're a girl after my own heart!" He proceeded to pound Tasha on the back while guffawing and bragging about his family.

"Wait-Hughes-" she gasped between the thumping, "That-really-hurts!-"

6) Watch with interest at what happens.

After Tasha told Hughes of Roy's (fake) feelings, she ran. Far away. Not too far that she couldn't hear Hughes' shout of pure rage.

Since the events that had taken place were numerous and slightly abstracted, I will refer to a newspaper article that never got published due to a slightly irate Flame Alchemist. Well. Maybe that was an understatement.

"…and in other news, the Flame Alchemist was assaulted today by a horde of shrieking females, all of which were pretty and insane. This reporter has reliable news that the girls had laid traps in his apartment and in his office, heading him off in a pincer movement that made him fully susceptible to the army's foot soldiers. Half were led by Tasha, a fourteen year old girl who denies having been with Colonel Mustang. The other half was led by an unknown man, thought to be Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes, though of course he cannot be, since he is dead.

"The traps at his apartment were marvelously constructed; they involved pulley systems, levers, buckets of water and lots of bicarbonate soda and vinegar. The resulting explosion blew out the apartment block and created a runny foam to splatter everywhere in a two-mile radius. In the two mile radius, Roy Mustang was seen shaking violently because his gloves were soggy. From the start, he was absolutely defenseless. The girls swarmed out of his apartment and ran towards him, rather melodramatically since he was in a square. From the other side, a wave of other girls, led by the as-yet unidentified man, broke through and surrounded him.

"The girl, Tasha, and the man, joined somewhere by a First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, stared him down. What was said could not be conveyed since my source was laughing too hard and could not tell me what happened. Judging from what happened later, the exchange was significantly trying for Colonel Mustang, since he was seen in his office a few days later pounding his head on his desk and muttering "I'm not gay-I'm not gay-I'm not gay-"

"This reporter believes that the man leading the second half of the army thought that Mustang was…erm…'gay' for him."

Tasha cackled with mirth as she posted the article to the Authoress. This, she believed, was her best act yet.

Hughes----

"Goodbye," he whispered softly into his little girl's hair. She stirred and murmured in her sleep, grinning.

Hughes smiled sadly and turned to the window.

All that is left is an open window with curtains blowing, and a stray feather landing on a girl's cheek.

Sorry for the last bit. Hughes was only meant to appear in this chapter.

ARiN-Thank. God. I love you. You know Hetalia. There is hope in the world. When I read your reviews I thought, "Screw exams, this has to get out there." MARUKAITE CHIKYUU! ORE IGIRISU! AAH HITOFUDEDE MIERU SUBARASHII SEKAII! *hummms this part* IGIRISU! (England's version |D)

Half Human Homunculi- *is in utter shock someone is laughing that hard*

iTorchic- She sounds cool. Yes, you can.

Peaceofmindalchemist- *hugs* THANK YOU.

Sonar-Thanks, you're awesome.