Cuddy woke up, once again, to the comforting warmth around her. The warm body in her arms felt so right that it scared her. Quickly extricating herself, she climbed off the couch without disturbing the soundly sleeping Remy. Glancing at the younger woman, Cuddy realized she needed to clear her head.
Heading towards the kitchen, Cuddy let the issues wash over her. She rubbed her neck, taut with tension. What was she going to do? She had no plan, no ideas, and no clue what to do. It was obvious regression, but to an extreme she had never seen. Her first instinct, medically, was to call House. However, she wouldn't subject Remy to that until she had to.
Pulling her laptop from its case, she sat down at the table and began to work. Trying to stay both distracted and productive, she focused on work. Checking mail, overlooking details, anything she could micromanage from afar. She even checked in with House's staff, making sure that if she did need him he would be free. Realizing her mind was back to Dr. Hadley, she switched over to the internet and started to research.
An hour and a half later, she was left with more questions than she had started with. Sighing, she headed to the fridge searching for something caffeinated. She normally avoided sugary things, soda included, but she always kept some around. This was one of those times she didn't mind breaking her own standards. Gulping the chilled liquid, she questioned if she was the best person to be taking care of Thirteen.
Deciding to check on her guest, of sorts, she headed back towards the living room. Her stomach dropped the minute she saw her unoccupied couch. Panic set in and she cursed herself for being gone so long. This was exactly why she shouldn't be in charge. She had no idea what the full situation would entail.
Attempting to calm herself, she thought about the situation from Remy's point of view. Where would she go? She hadn't cried out so she assumed the girl was calm. The bathroom? Cuddy checked the closest one, but it was empty. Maybe she had been looking for her. Cuddy headed back to her bedroom to see. It was empty as well.
Cuddy's panic set in fully. What if she had left? What if someone found her that didn't understand? Grabbing her phone of the nightstand, she took a deep breath, ready to call in House and the others. She couldn't leave her out their unprotected. There were too many people out there that could hurt her.
Hesitating on the last number, she caught the sound of childlike giggling. It was coming from somewhere inside her home. Sighing relieved, she turned the phone off. Standing to her feet, Cuddy followed the cheerful noises down the hall. Hesitating outside one particular door, she could feel her stomach turning.
'Not that room' she thought. The one room in her home she refused to enter. She couldn't. It wasn't like her to avoid, but that room was different. It was her literal and proverbial closet of skeletons, holding all her hopes and fears. Everything that mattered was represented in that room.
Having once been her office, it still held associations to med-school and the career and accomplishments that followed. Using it as a nursery had seemed practical, due to proximity to her own room. It still held the bitter taste of failure. No babe had ever slept inside the carefully made crib or played with hand-selected toys.
However, failure was not all it held. It held the sensations of a languished kiss. A moment so dear to her, that it shook her very core. This was the room that moment had started in, her undoing. Broken from her sorrow with a new life breathed back into her, only to be stolen away as well.
Pushing the slivered door open the rest of the way, her eyes fell on to the form of the junior internist, playing with a small white rabbit. Fingering his floppy ears the way she liked, Remy smiled down at the soft toy. A strangled noise escaped Cuddy's throat, before should could grasp control.
Remy looked up at Cuddy, curiously. Memories of what that room represented were gone with most of the others. She smiled affectionately at Cuddy. When the smile was hesitantly returned, it was enough for her innocent mind. She went back to her rabbit and continued playing.
"Remy, you should have told me you were awake. I got very worried when I thought you were missing," Cuddy said, breaking the eerie silence. Taking a shaky step forward, she entered the room.
"Sorry mama, I looked for you, but you were working," Remy explained, as Cuddy sat down next to her. Looking at Cuddy, she gauged whether she was in trouble or not.
"Its okay sweetie," Cuddy promised, feeling the girl's worry. "Just so you know, I'm never too busy for you, Okay?" She stroked her fingers loosely through the Remy's hair, soothing any discomfort with the simple move.
Crawling as close as she could be into Cuddy's lap, Remy smiled up at her. "What am I going to do with you?" Cuddy teased, hugging the girl around the waist. She knew things wouldn't always be this simple, but right now, simplicity was perfection. "Who do you have there?" Cuddy asked, nudging her chin in the direction of the rabbit.
"It's Mr. Rabbit," Remy said, confidently. Picking him up, she moved him closer for Cuddy to see.
"Oh," Cuddy said, smiling down on her. "Does that make you Alice?" she asked, tickling Remy's sides.
Giggling, the girl squirmed in Cuddy's grasp, never hard enough to escape. As her giggles softened, she looked at Cuddy in true Alice fashion with a curious gaze upon her face, "Mama?"
Cuddy froze at the seriousness of the girl's tone. She wasn't able to read her, as well as she could her older counterpart. "Yes honey?" she asked, nervousness etching her tone.
"Who does all this stuff belong to?" Remy asked, with an innocence only children can muster. Staring wide-eyed at her anointed mother, she had no concept of the severity she'd just dove into.
Cuddy's eyes closed in pain, trying to block it out. She could get through this, she told herself. After months of denial and deception, lies to herself and others, it was time to face the truth. "They belonged to a little girl that I was going to take care of," Cuddy answered simply.
"How come you were gonna take care of her? Was she your baby?" Remy asked. She turned her body to face Cuddy's, unconsciously sensing the other woman's unease. Hugging the rabbit close against her stomach, she waited patiently.
"No she wasn't' mine, but her mommy didn't think she would be able to take care of her. When she realized how much she loved her little girl, that all changed," Cuddy answered truthfully, smiling sadly. Tears welled in her eyes and she hoped that there weren't many questions left.
"My mommy couldn't take care of me either," Remy said, having flashes of her original childhood. "She was too sick," she said sadly, looking away ashamed. Her supposed unconditional source of comfort and support, had never been able to provide.
"Well," Cuddy said, drawing her into a warm hug, "Maybe that's why we ended up together." She could feel Remy nod against her shoulder, and tears seep into her shirt. Placing a hand on the back of the girls head, she pulled her closer, offering any support she could.