Most things solve themselves… at least, that's how I always saw it. If there was a problem then I wouldn't do anything—it would all turn out fine. Fights, technical problems, school problems, family, you name it… I would never do anything. It wasn't my problem, so why should I do anything?

Then… SHE showed up. Everyone treated her like she was something so delicate, yet so interesting. She couldn't remember who she was or where she came from. She was immediately welcomed into the group… but I hadn't been welcomed like that when I was younger. Everyone thought I was something to be afraid of, just because my parents left me. "There must be something wrong with her… that's why her parents left her." Those sorts of things were the things that people whispered behind my back. That's what they concluded, but with Kairi, everyone immediately thought she was something special. No one ever thought that her world had kicked her out because of what she had done…

Things never got better… at least, I never thought so. Kairi this and Kairi that. It was always about her… How could she!? She went and changed my best friends, and then everything had to include her. She couldn't just leave us alone? How I hated her for it… for taking away Riku and Sora…

I dealt with it though. I kept my cool and acted nice around her, acted like her friend. Things would get better—they always did. But no, I could see Sora falling for her… and then even Riku seemed to be charmed by her. I couldn't deal with THAT. No, not Riku. Sora I'm fine with… he was too naïve for my taste, but NOT Riku. How dare she do that to me!

My world went upside down; I was only friends with them now. They paid less attention to me… and more to her. Things seemed to brighten though, as time passed. At the ages of fifteen and fourteen, things died down. Riku had given up, he let Sora have Kairi… and he paid more attention to me. I always figured my job was to protect my friends… most especially Riku. He seemed to have something bugging him everyday, and became less and less happy. I thought my job was to protect him from whatever was bothering him.

And then… our world fell. Riku's feelings for the islands were revealed and with Sora already on the side of Light and Kairi no where to be found, I was left in the crossroads to choose sides. But, the Darkness scared me. You never know what's going to rise from the shadows. But, I needed to be somewhere I could still do my job. Dawn. But when our world fell, I fell too. Even though my body was still there, I lost my heart and found it inside Riku, the perfect place to complete my purpose.

But… as I said before, I lost my heart. Does that mean I became a Heartless? Do I have a Nobody lurking somewhere where the Organization hasn't found her yet? Or am I just special and a Nobody was never born from the Darkness because of me. Will I ever be whole again? Will I ever find her?

Does Riku have a Nobody too? Ansem was a Heartless, and he took over Riku… so does that mean that technically, Riku lost his heart? And where we were… inside that black nothingness… was that Kingdom Hearts? Or was that inside the Darkness itself? Maybe our Nobodies are together, if they really do exist.

But what does that make me now? Am I incomplete? Or am I still whole? What a mess I'm in… and it's all Riku's fault…

No! What am I thinking? Darkness is merely a temptation that is hard to resist, and Riku merely did not possess that strength. In reality… it's… my fault. It's my job to protect him from anything that will do him harm! I have to be his conscience… no matter what.

But, what does that make him think of me? Am I ONLY his conscience, only someone to guide him when he needs help? Someone he expects to stand in the background until needed? Or does he see me as more than that, more than just something to use when in trouble? What he had said… after I had that nightmare… does that mean… does that mean that he loves me?

Ridiculous… right? I mean, we're best friends, not lovers… I have to be imagining things. Or, am I? I don't know anymore. Everything is so messed up. I almost… don't know who I am anymore. So if I don't know myself, how could I possibly know about other people? How could I judge or see the qualities in other people when I can't even see them in myself?

But you know, I wonder if that's just how it is for all people, whether that's life or not… If it is, then man, do I sound like a total idiot. Heh, I guess that even I can act like an idiot sometimes… but… DANG IT! I sound so full of myself! I'm a total idiot! Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!

Though, now that I think about it… I guess that everyone sounds like an idiot at least once in their lives… Boy, am I finding out a lot about myself today… and a lot about life too. I guess that I've just never really thought about anything like this so deeply. Maybe I thought it didn't really apply to me, like how I thought that everything would sort itself out on its own. Hmm… once again, I sound like a self-focused idiot. I guess I never realized that I had always sounded like this… I can barely stand it. How can Riku deal with this when I'm having trouble myself? That's it, from now on, I'm gonna try and be someone who's not so self-centered!

You gotta wonder… what does anyone really know about life? It's so strange. You think you know what you're doing, only to be hit in the face with a wall blocking your way, or you trip over yourself, or even over something else or someone else. You could easily be minding your own business when something so strange comes your way, catching you off guard and sending you into a never ending hole, only to end up back where you started when you finally reach the bottom… such is life. No one seems to realize this, not one person until this sort of thing happens to you.

That's how it was for us… on the island. Life was grand, not a care in the world… except schoolwork… though let's not go into that subject… but, anyway, life was great on the islands. We did whatever we wanted for the most part; and as for me, as long as I stayed away from my foster family, I was perfectly fine. Then… the Darkness hit us. Heh, no one saw that one coming… but, you know? It seemed life as we knew it had just disappeared, and that the Darkness was a bad thing. I don't think that anyone's really thought that… despite everything, the Darkness actually did us a favor.

We made new friends, we helped with the saving of the worlds, we all grew stronger, we all found ourselves over time, we understood our path, we understood that life was never going to be easy, we found that no matter what happened we would be able to conquer any obstacles in our path, I found that I loved Riku… and I'm discovering things about myself that I never dreamed possible!

Maybe the Darkness isn't such a scary thing. Riku and I have accepted it inside our hearts, and even the worlds are made of both light and dark. It's just… misunderstood, I guess… If people grew to understand it more, then the worlds wouldn't have to live in fear anymore.

Yeah, the Darkness isn't so scary, nor is it always evil… In the end, I have a lot to thank the Darkness for… even Ansem! So, I guess…

Thank you, Ansem.

…oh, and I still hate you Kairi…

~Saiyoku~