After the Storm by tjbaby
Chapter 8: Undisclosed Desires

Author notes: Dark Edward, possibly dark Jasper, M-rated for violence and other graphic content and use of crude language. Apologies for the delay in getting this chapter out to you. Holidays got in the way. Thanks for all your patience!

My thanks to my wonderful ladies! rhenea5018 - Thanks for all that unwavering support, the kick up the proverbial behind, and that you will drop everything when I say it's ready! I love you for it! Oh yes indeedy! Thanks to KuroiBlackNightingale for your constant advice and being the grammar nazi, for being the most supportive, amusing, grammar nazi ever with all your comments and ideas, even though you have met me and know I'm incredibly insane. To VanPireNZ who puts up with my "oooh I just had an idea" moments. Thanks for all your patience honey and for resisting the urge to slam the phone down when I call. And to vampthenewblack who provides me with a constant muse and lets me know when I've hit the intended target! For letting me take one of your fabulous ideas and implementing it in one of Edward's flashbacks. Thank you so much!

"I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauties, not just the mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart."
~ Matt Bellamy, Muse

Tall, icy and impassive, smirking as he makes his way up the stairs, the vampire takes young human Jimmy with him. A brow arches in silent praise of his human as Edward looks behind him, down the stairs, listening to Jasper's way of dealing with Ashley. "The road less travelled is less travelled for a reason," he murmurs to no-one in particular, waving a hand nonchalantly.

The touch of darkness is firmly ensconced in his human, and a certain elation streams through Edward's consciousness at the thought that he and Jasper will soon be forever joined - for all of eternity. The thrill of anticipation quivers through him, Edward trembling and revelling in the glorious feeling. Barely keeping his ecstatic mood in check, he finds himself bounding up the remaining stairs - two at a time. Smug countenance emanates from him, 'Oh yes, this is indeed a happy day!' he thinks.

There is a joyousness found in his step by the time he reaches the top, one that had been missing of late. Since Bonnie's arrival, Edward had been doubting himself and his chosen path, and he had felt lost in his plans. Now it is back; the spring in his step; and it is very clear as Edward gives a single leap of joy before he turns volte-face, and breathes deeply. Gloating at his success, Edward is finally satisfied that Jasper is definitely on the path to self-destruction.

Edward knows that his history will catch up with him and that Jasper will need explanations - explanations that will not be easy to give to his lover, his human counterpart; explanations that might make his human abandon him, but his mind whispers comfortingly, 'We will cross that bridge when we get to it.' Not one to count his chickens before they hatch, nonetheless, Edward feels a certain justification in celebrating this small victory, one more successful step in his larger plan of converting Jasper.

They walk down the sun-filled hallway, one brightly optimistic, the other a little fearful. Too engrossed in his own thoughts, Edward misses the fearful attitude of Jimmy Oaks as he leads the way to Jasper's room. Opening it with a flourish, he waits for Jimmy to catch up to him. When Jimmy finally reaches his side, Edward grasps his chin, staring intently into the eyes of the enamoured stablehand. He chuckles wickedly as he sees the inner mind of the man; sees the dark, dangerous path this one is willing to walk in order to have Jasper. And he also reads his fear.

Edward's tongue tucks into the corner of his lips, a sardonic gleam in his eyes and he pushes the young man through the door, "Here Jimmy. You will get what you desire."

His thoughts exultant, he cavorts silently before following the young man into the room. As he shuts the door, he thinks ahead, 'After this, I will need to prepare Jasper for his final journey.' Edward prefers to be overly optimistic. As he stalks on silent feet towards the dark-haired stablehand, a certain whimsy is brought to his mind as Edward recalls that day - the day he had first seen Jasper Whitlock...

Treetops pierced through the haze, as fog nestled amongst the buildings and trees of the small town. The forest tips were dark and sharp against the soft and ethereal cloud; wispy vapours undulated with the lightest of breezes. Buildings loomed, stately and grey, out of the covering mist, and birds trilled their morning song, while the sun shyly hid behind the cover of cloud. The fey-like wonder of the atmosphere encouraged much introspection; voices were muted, and the peacefulness was only broken by an occasional boisterous voice here and there; voices that would gently subside into low, hushed conversation.

In the market square, stalls opened; the normal raucous chorus of greetings replaced by mere nods to one another as people quietly finished setting up or ambled about.

Back then, Edward was a lonely man, a beautiful man, that sought only a wife, a companion, someone who would be his mate in this eternal life. The dark-haired beauty of Isabella Swan had been the closest he had come to finding that person. The appeal of her quiet demeanour, her promise of beauty upon the change, led Edward to believe that she may be the mate he long sought.

For the first time in a century, Edward had started a courting ritual to woo the young eighteen year old. As part of his ritual, Edward had stopped off at the Swan Residence to officially meet her family and to ask Isabella to accompany him to perambulate around the market. Her gentle and gracious acquiesce to his request had been pleasing as were her few comments upon their arrival and on their quiet walk around the square, but it also disturbed and concerned him. Her lack of conversation daunted him. Was Carlisle right? Was Isabella not his mate? He had held her small hand in the crook of his arm, she speaking rarely, he cogitating on the question.

Perhaps irony had a hand in it, but as he had thought those words, it was then that the lightly swirling mist had parted, and Jasper had walked into Edward's life - a tall, lanky, blond-haired person barely in his teens.

Perhaps it was the cocky, swaggering sway of his hips as he walked with his friends; or those full, pouty lips as he smoked, lips pursed around the end as he held it in between his lips; or the arch of that furrowed brow every time he took a drag; or maybe those observant blue eyes that missed nothing as they keenly took in everything around him; whatever it was, Edward had coveted him instantly.

You see, Edward was intrigued by this teen-aged boy. Those piercing eyes saw everything - except Edward. Those eyes that strayed from side to side observing all those that passed, glanced briefly over Edward's still figure, and then just as quickly, left. That had surprised Edward immensely. Those that saw the vampire did not often dismiss him, and more often than not, their gazes would often linger due to the nature of his vampire qualities. However, this boy - he had dismissed Edward at a glance.

Perhaps it was because of this that Edward coveted him, for no man likes to be overlooked. Especially when the subject in question, or rather his gaze, stopped briefly and often, not only upon the women as they walked by, but would also sneak glances at the men; the curve of their male posteriors measuring up in the blond man's thoughts, ranging from 'Nice' to 'Good Lord, I wouldn't let him touch me with a barge pole' to 'Oh, if only my hands could be on those'; with the added full flux of emotions as they ranged from lustful to guilty and back again. Obviously, the boy was interested, not only in the fairer sex, but in his own.

However - and it was this that mesmerised Edward - not a single trace of those emotions crossed his face... that beautiful smiling face, but Edward could hear his thoughts and strangely enough, feel the accompanying emotions. Interesting. Edward was intrigued indeed.

He had instantly identified that the boy's scent was definitely masculine; all musk, testosterone and tart, and it tickled Edward's scent buds. Eyes closed, he took an indiscernible breath, revelled in the essence that was...

"Jasper Whitlock, at your service."

Edward's eyes snapped open at the young man's voice. Low and melodic, with a true Southern twang, and Edward revelled in the smooth, easy gait of his rhythmic cadences. Beautiful.

Nevertheless, the words had not been directed at Edward.

His eyes narrowed, Edward observed the young man as he offered his arm to a matronly woman; focusing on the easy movement, indicative of years of practice in that motion. Edward's conclusion? Whomever Jasper Whitlock was; he was a gentleman, born and raised.

A touch at Edward's elbow and he turned, reminded of his companion. Pinning a gracious smile upon his face, he replaced her warm hand in the crook of his elbow and they resumed their walk around the square. All the while Edward is acutely aware of the blond teen and his friends. He had the boy's name and Edward found himself trying it often in his mind. Jasper Whitlock. Jasper Whitlock. Jasper Whitlock.

Edward silently observed them as he and Bella strolled around the square, occasional glances thrown towards the three young men, knowing they would never be aware of them, and he noted every one of their movements, their mannerisms and most of all, their thoughts.

Suddenly, Edward groaned, the sound inaudible to human ears, as he caught sight of the man's tongue snaking out to swipe along his lower lip; the moisture that lingered had invited Edward to taste. The move reminded him of Carlisle, and for a moment, Edward almost tasted Carlisle upon his lips. He pushed the thought down firmly. Carlisle was not his any more. 'But... you recall how he tastes,' goaded his traitorous mind. Oh yes, indeed he can recall Carlisle's taste, but this man? This Jasper? He would taste infinitely better. Edward was sure of it.

He stared long and hard at the man. The tilt of his lips as Jasper smiled, engaging his companions in conversation; his long legs as they strode purposefully, and as Jasper turned, the curls that swung around his face and brushed against his nape; all of it mesmerising and enthralling to one Edward Cullen, and it forever obliterated any thought of Isabella Swan being his mate.

In a single instance, Edward Masen Cullen had made his plans to secure one Jasper Whitlock to be his - for eternity. He could not wait to get home.

"Carlisle! Esme!" Calling out as he entered their house, he quickly hung up his coat and waited for them to appear.

"Edward?" Two voices in symphonic harmony answered his call. Within a fraction of a second, they were standing before him. He looked at the two of them, their happiness with one another apparent, despite the anxiety currently showing on their faces.

"I found him," he said, intently watching their expressions and listening to the thoughts that flew through their minds. Their thoughts varied; Esme's was concerned while Carlisle's sad and happy.

"Him?"

Grinning at their anxious faces, he held them in suspense for a moment before he said with a finality, "My mate."

"Him?" "But I thought Isabella..." Their voices chorused and he laughed gaily, sheer happiness radiating from him.

"Everyone else pales in comparison to this boy! Certainly no Isabella Swan would hold a candle to Jasper Whitlock."

Esme looked carefully at him before she asked, "Edward, a boy?"

"I stood in front of his home this afternoon. In fact, for a good number of hours." Turning to the woman, he smiled the warmest smile they had seen on his face in a long while. "He is beautiful Esme," his voice was soft. "You will love him, as I do. His name is Jasper and he is the one I want. I know it. He is The One." Joyous emotion filled Edward as he turned to gaze out the window. Unnoticed, the other two exchanged brief, concerned glances, before Carlisle stepped forward.

"Edward, are you sure? You said a boy. Is he quite young then?"

"Oh yes, Carlisle, I am sure," the dreamy look upon the boy's face was almost beatific in its glory. "He is everything I would want in my mate."

It had taken the combined efforts of Carlisle and Esme to convince Edward that he had to wait. Wait until Jasper was old enough to be turned. Until then he would have to bide his time.

It was then that Edward's plans had ceased to be solely his, and had become THEIRS.

With a final flourish, Edward finishes tying the ties on Jimmy, and he pats the man on the head, taking note of the anxiety and fright emanating out of the dark-haired man's eyes.

"Oh yes, that's it Jimmy. Feel the fear." He slides a slim hand down the side of the young man's smooth unblemished face. "You'll fear more than me when my Jasper is turned. You'll like him even more then, I'm sure." The longing in Edward's voice is apparent as he says, "I have been waiting such a long time. A very long time. He is The One. My love, my heart. And you, Jimmy, will have much to fear. He will be the true force to reckon with."

Cupping his sweet face, Edward holds the man's gaze as he intones lowly, "When Jasper finally joins me, on this side, you will be the first thing he sees. You see, you're my little present to him." Revelling in the man's wide eyes, full of fear, Edward smiles, the cold pleasantness stark upon his face. "And Jimmy?" Edward waits for the man's eyes to meet his again before running his tongue ominously, sinuously, along the man's bottom lip, right below the gag he had placed between Jimmy's lips. The muffled noise excites Edward and he breathes deeply, tasting the terror, the timidity, exulting in it. It's time. Leering gleefully at the boy before him, Edward gives him one final lash with his tongue up the side of his cheek before he turns and leaves.

As he makes his way outside towards the stables, the memory of his first sighting of Jasper makes Edward realise just how much he really coveted his human, right from the start. The dismissiveness of his human in their first encounter served to make Jasper that little bit more enticing to Edward. Call it the thrill of the chase, but it made Edward want him that fractionally bit more. Bella was too compliant, too accommodating and Edward knew without a doubt, that Jasper would make his life more complex, more difficult, and infinitely, that much more passionate.

Edward deliberates as he paces forward, wondering aloud, "Jasper needs to come out of this alive and intact. He needs to be whole... for me. I need him to match what I am. For he is not yet the man, the man he is looking for, is looking for."

Just like Edward was not the man Carlisle had been looking for... five years before he found Jasper...

"I can't believe you brought her here! Did I not please you enough?! Was I not enough for you? Is that it?"

"Edward..."

"I can't believe you Carlisle! We were happy! We didn't need her! You loved me! We shared ourselves... Entirely!" The words exploded from him as he expostulated the merits of their relationship. "We didn't need another person!"

"Esme is... special, Edward."

"You told me I was special Carlisle!"

"You were Edward! You still are! It's just... she's... she is the One."

His laugh was derisive. "And I'm not." Edward turned away from the man he thought had been his mate. The man who was now lost to his coercions because of the NEW vampire. His rage was uncontrollable. "I'm just someone you decided to turn to this woe-begotten life because you were lonely; because you needed to get your kicks in when you could. Dammit Carlisle, I thought we had something! I let you fuck me!" Angrily, he pushes the other man away as Carlisle lay a hand on his shoulder. "Don't touch me. You've been with her. I can smell her on you."

He slammed the door as he made his way out of the house he had once called home. Out of the house, out of his maker's life. Truly, he had thought he had loved Carlisle. They had been together since Edward had been turned. He had tried to quell all his natural tendencies in order to be with Carlisle. But when Carlisle had brought Esme Platt home, a vampire like them, he knew.

He had known in an instant.

Fleeing that home, any home that housed Carlisle, had pained Edward greatly. He had spent some time travelling and wandering around, searching for anything or anyone that would replace what he had lost. Becoming a traditional vampire had been his thumbing-his-nose gesture at Carlisle and Esme for leaving him, for not wanting him.

But he had not cared for the nomadic lifestyle, for a life on the frayed edges, and it was when he found himself sucking life out of another man in a dark alleyway alone, that he had cursed at his stupidity. Returning to the fold did not cost him his pride. Instead, it had garnered him his family and a chance to have a mate.

Edward winces as he slams the door of the stables, recalling the similar slamming of the door as he had made his way out - out of the house, out of his maker's life. Hanging his head in remembered remorse, he reminds himself that it was eventually resolved. Eventually. But it had taken some time, and it is with a heavy heart that Edward recalls just how many incidents along the way occurred before it had been resolved. Just like when Esme came to visit and tried to convince him...

"Edward Cullen." Her voice was firm, but polite. He noted her beauty and grace seemed to have grown exponentially now that she and Carlisle were confirmed mates. Her brilliant red eyes mocked him.

"Masen, it's Edward Masen now." He had not pointed out that he didn't feel like he could refer to himself as Cullen any longer. The thought alone left a bitter taste in his mouth. His voice cold and unwelcoming, he spat out, "What are you doing here Esme?"

"I wanted to see you." Her tone was plaintive and it irked him.

"No Esme. I don't want you here."

She moved towards him quickly, causing him to move, to stand opposite her in the room. Esme turned too, continued to walk towards him, and yet again, he moved.

Her eyes gleamed. "We could have it all Edward. You just need to come home..."

Tired of evading her, Edward stopped and laughed derisively. "Don't be a silly girl, Esme Platt. You took him. You took him from me. Why would you want to share him? To create the family you long for? I do not wish for a replacement mother."

Her eyes troubled, she stared at him long and hard before she said quietly, "But that's the thing Edward..."

Her thoughts were easy to pick up and repulsed, he turned away. "No." Answering her, his voice was blunt, flat. "I will not do that to Carlisle." Nor to me, he added silently. Edward would not lower himself to be part of what would essentially be a spare wheel to their twosome.

"But he's there Edward. He's already on that road." She was impassioned in her tone, pleading for him to understand. "He followed you, WE followed you on that road. We're here Edward. We want you to know that. I will not be your mother any more than Carlisle can be your father."

"No Esme! You cannot just change. Not just like that." Evading her, he shifted once more, angling to place as much space as possible between them. Her eyes followed him.

"Why not Edward? You did."

Edward's thoughts had spun wildly in his head. Her intense mothering instincts would never be curbed, and Carlisle would never be solely his again. Coercion and manipulation would be out of the question and Edward would not succumb to anything that was not in his control. Enraged, he slammed his palm upon the desk, the wood splintering easily under the force of his hand and lied. "Because this is a monstrous life! This is what Carlisle got away from! This is what he did not want any of us to go through and here I am." Edward could sense Carlisle nearby, near enough to hear the thoughts of the man he had once called lover, his thoughts calling out to Edward. Disregarding the pleas, Edward turned towards Esme, his arm gesticulating angrily towards the man he knew was on the other side of the door. "I chose it in spite of him! Because of him! I am like this... because of you! Because of Carlisle!"

He stopped and when he spoke again his voice was heart-wrenching in its whisper-quiet tone. "Because neither of you want me."

"Oh Edward! That's not true!" Esme dashed to his side, holding his arm and when he looked down into her face, her anxious eyes forced him to look away. Emotions came bubbling to the surface as he recalled the way he felt when he learned of Carlisle turning Esme. The sinking feeling of being discarded, like the bodies they had enjoyed and shared together.

"Isn't it?" he scoffed quietly. "Tell me, would you have willingly joined, knowing that Carlisle and I were engaged in sinful acts? Tell me that Esme!" He backed her into a wall and he braced his palms on either side of her face. His voice was menacingly soft, "You would have willingly lain with Carlisle after finding out that he has already spent thirty years with a man? A man? A man that he sodomised and who sodomised him? Would you have done that?" She shrank away from him. "Would you have shared yourself with the both of us? Whored yourself to the both of us? Lain with this?" Pushing his body against hers, he thrust his leg between her, grabbing her wrists and forcing them above her head. He repeated his question, more forcefully this time. "Would you?!" At her silence he softly intoned, "I didn't think so." He gazed hard into her frightened eyes before pushing off the wall.

"Stay away from me. Both of you."

Edward muses as he gathers the things he wants to take back up to the house. Poor Esme. There had been angry words exchanged, and many moments where he had been vindictive and cruel to the person who is now, for all intents and purposes, his mother. For many years, they had posed as brother and sister as he could not bring himself to be Carlisle's child or ward. Finally, Esme had convinced him to let her mother him and he became the child in her eyes. His maker however, still remained in his mind, his maker and not so much his father. They had spent far too many years as companions for that to change overnight.

As he drops them into a small pile on the straw strewn ground, the stirrups clanging musically together, Edward is drawn once more into yet another memory... a memory of a different night long ago...

Fire crackled in the hearth, and the notes of the pianoforte resonated in the stillness of the room. It was the troubled thoughts of the pale man reclined upon the chaise longue nearby that gave Edward pause.

Listen to the beautiful way he plays. The purity, the innocence. He is so young. I should have not changed him. Mayhap I am selfish for turning this man into my companion? I did not even give him a choice. Nor have I given him a choice to leave.

He paused abruptly. "Do not feel remorse, Carlisle."

Guiltily, the amber eyes met his as Carlisle looked up at him. "Edward," he began, but Edward stopped him.

"It's not wrong. You are not my father. You are my maker. There is a distinct difference. Besides which, the age you were changed was 23, and although you try to portray one that is older, I still consider you only one year older than myself."

I am several centuries older than you, Edward. Carlisle's fingers toyed with the piping upon the upholstery.

"Then you can spend a lot of time teaching me what you know. History is best told by one who has actually experienced it." Troubled, Carlisle frowned at him.

You can spin it all you want, it's still unnatural Edward. I spent many years reconciling this life with myself. Now I have foisted it upon you.

In reply, Edward shook his head and smiled deprecatingly before replacing his hands upon the instrument before him. He began to play the newest piece by a new composer, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart for his maker, friend and companion. Thus starting many nights of quiet contemplation between the two.

It had been many years since he had thought of his life with Carlisle. Thirty years of a good life with a preacher's son, parading as companions, but enjoying one another in the dark recesses of their various homes. Then her arrival and Edward had pointedly removed himself, not wishing to embark on what would be essentially a solitary life whilst being a third wheel. That and he had not wanted to be mothered. By the time, he had returned, Esme and Carlisle had been firmly ensconced in one another and in the lifestyle that she had persuaded Carlisle to embark upon. A lifestyle that was full of dark and debauchery a la Sade. It had been this that had eventually drawn Edward back into the folds of the Cullen family. Many years of posing as Esme's brother had also convinced him of her inherently passionate nature to love and care for those she considered family. And many years of listening and observing the impassioned couplings that took place in the most unexpected places.

It was because of these observed couplings that Edward was looking forward to the beginnings of a life with his own mate, with a family that loved and encouraged all facets of the darker side of life.

Edward stares at the small pile of equipment at his feet and smiles. "It will be a fantastic life."

Remorse. Guilt. Two feelings that assuage one Jasper Whitlock as he removes himself from the presence of the dead man in his dining room.

Haltingly, he stumbles through the hall, retching as he goes. Dark, malevolent feelings run white-hot through his body; mixing with the guilt, the remorse and a side helping of terror; a culmination of feelings that have been building within since Bonnie's death.

Now, with one single act of cold hearted, not-about-Edward act, the culpability and contrition that arise just about bring Jasper to his knees. Shaking, he stares at his trembling hands, the hands that just minutes ago killed a man.

... White-hot anger flooding Jasper's form, taking pleasure in the white-faced pallor of the man as he stares wide-eyed in fear. "You need to learn some manners, Ashley Jameson." ...

Jasper collapses against a wall, leaning his forehead against the coldness in an effort to rid himself of the hot surge of ill feeling inside him. Swallowing hard, tasting the acrid flavour of his stomach's contents as they threaten to leave him; he pounds his clenched fist against the wall before him, agonised at the feelings, weeping as he turns and sinks back against the wall.

In a desperate bid to rid himself of this sizeable amount of guilt that seems insurmountable within, Jasper shuts his eyes tightly.

... Limbs entwined, watching as his hand glides down her bare thigh...

... "Sugar, you needn't have dressed up to receive me"...

... his hand slipping down to Bonnie's throat beneath her pale white face; squeezing her neck tightly as his eyes hold Edward's, the shivers as Edward slides one hand down to cup his sac...

He grits his teeth hard, leaning his head back, trying to close off his feelings and to forget. But it is to no avail. The images that flash behind his lids are vivid in colour, harrowing in their detail, each picture striking at his conscience.

... the bittersweet taste of her blood as his tongue lingers over Edward's...

... "I - I - I like you Jasper..." Succumbing to the intense exploration of his mouth, Jimmy's tongue sliding against his...

... his hand over her mouth and nose, feeling Bonnie writhing as she fights for air. Magnificent...

... Jimmy's fingers; coarse and hurried; sliding over the material of his shirt, up his forearms, Jimmy inching his way slowly up his body. Incredible...

... Edward's fingers; slim and sensual; bidding entrance to his eager body, inching their way inside him. Heaven...

Relations with a man; murdering a woman; the fault lies in him, he is sure of it. The barrage of images hit his conscience hard and Jasper braces himself against the wall, fingers grasping uselessly at the roughened wall. As more pictures flow through his mind, Jasper whimpers; crying silently; helplessly bound in the recesses of his mind as he travels through each memory in excruciating detail.

... "Let us explore all avenues open to us!" Watching as Edward extravagantly extends his arms wide, spinning madly in a circle before stopping to extend his hand to Jasper ...

... Edward's bare chest... the open fastening at the top of Edward's pants... Edward's pants on the ground...

... "You would be incredible, but do you know what would make it more magnificent in my eyes? ...

... He peers down. The whiteness of bone stares back at him. He commends himself, feeling rather pleased, "Good slice."

... Edward standing in front Jasper... finger under Jasper's chin, the look in Edward's eyes before he sighs. "Oh Jasper, at the darkest moment comes the light."

... Ashley's face blank and staring up at him...

... holding Bella's head by her hair, he drops it in and stands by as the flesh melts in the searing heat...

"No! No! No!" Tightly, Jasper grasps his hair in his fists, desperate to rid his mind of the images; nonetheless they continue to barrel through and mix in his mind and he can only cringe and weep...

... "Did you enjoy your meal?" ...

... Edward's pants open and hanging loosely on his lean hips...

... "Her blood was delicious."...

... the thudding sound of the man's inert body hitting the floor...

... Edward dragging Jasper to his feet. "Show me."...

... his hands sliding to cup Ashley's face, the feel of the slack jawed man's clammy skin against his warm palms, the feeling reverberating through his hands as the man's neck cracked and snapped ...

... "If your heart lies in that direction then I'd like to be in the race." ...

... Naked Edward jogging to the water's edge, firm buttocks shining in the light ...

... "Did you like eating her?"...

His eyes finally open; wide and haunted. "What have I done?" he whispers brokenly. Hugging his arms around his stomach, he curls into himself; bent over double as large, dry, heaving sobs wrack his body. Horrified mortification flows through him; he has killed two people within the space of several days, disposed of bodies in ways that are beyond anyone's imagination.

He weeps uncontrollably.

They were two people that actually did mean something to him once upon a time. Aghast at his actions, his thoughts, with his insides tearing he slides down the wall, limbs splayed as he hits the floor. Uncaring, the tears well and spill down his cheeks. He sinks further onto the floor, his lower lip trembling in his despair. He killed a man - with his bare hands. He killed a woman. A woman! He presses his clenched fists hard against his eyes. Oh dear Lord, forgive me!

Unforgivable. Murderer. The words reverberate in his head, their ringing tones growing in volume in his head. Murderer. Unforgivable. Murderer.

"Oh God Almighty, how will my Edward accept me now?" he cries despairingly, his words loud in the seemingly empty house.

In the stables, Edward waits, listening to the recriminations that flow through Jasper's mind. A small part of him worries his plan is going to fail. Jasper is falling apart and Edward has been planning this for such a long time that he vehemently hopes this is not a sign that Jasper is not up to the task of being Edward's mate. His heart wrenches as he hears Jasper's thoughts cry out, 'This is wrong!'

Wishing to appease the fright and anxiety that is coursing through Jasper; his heart aching at the pain in his human's mind and chafing at the fear that attempts to claw its way through him, Edward whispers, "No Jasper, it's not wrong. Please, it's not wrong. This is so right!"

Edward's own mind agrees, but they know Jasper cannot hear them.

Caught in the maelstrom of despair and anxiety; on the knife edge of insanity; Jasper's thoughts are wildly agitated; raging turbulence and unrestrained.

Edward's emotions churn within as he sits , listening to the endless tide of thoughts streaming from Jasper, 'I can't! I can't do this! I'm a murderer! I killed a man today. I killed a woman! A woman! I'm going to hell to burn forever! Oh God, I'm going to lose Edward. Edward will never accept this. He's a vampire, but he won't want me - not like this! I can't lose him. If he thinks for a moment I killed for no reason, I will lose him. And I can't. I will not tell him. Yes, that is how I will deal with it. I won't tell him. I'll- I'll hide the body. I'll get rid of him... Like I did before! Oh fucking God, I'm going to hell! Oh god, I can't even do that! Fuck! Edward can read my damn mind! Fuck!'

As his human figuratively screams at him, Edward's emotions feel conflicted and even he winces at the vehemence behind Jasper's words. Shadows creep up on the walls of the stable, as cackling laughter floats upon the mild breeze and Edward grips the stall door tightly, leaving his imprint in the wood as he knows exactly where the laughter is coming from.

"Be strong Jasper." Edward pleads softly in the emptiness of the stables. "Please."

Bowing his head as the laughter turns to screams, to pleas of "No! Please no! Please stop!" Edward feels the guilt welling inside him. Is this the damage he has wrought upon his beloved man?

'No,' answers Edward's mind firmly. 'The boy is up to the task, and you know it, I know it, and more importantly, he knows it. He will go through with it because if nothing else, the guilt, the fear, will consume him and he will follow us to the ends of the earth if need be. The death of Ashley is only another nail in his proverbial coffin.'

Ashamed of doubting himself, Edward hangs his head and breathes deeply, turning his thoughts to the future, to their future. Yes, his mind is right. This is the chosen path. This, Jasper will succeed at. Edward has known that since he first saw him.

Jasper gazes up at the ceiling, leaning his arms on his knees and holds his fists tightly as he loses himself in his thoughts; willing himself to deal with this; wondering if there would there be any justification that would make him still acceptable in his vampire's eyes. 'I can't lose him. If he thinks for a moment I killed without a reason, I will lose him. I will lose him! And I-I-I can't!'

The thought of losing Edward makes him shudder and he recalls what it was like when he had mistakenly thought that Edward had left. Panic momentarily drives him, heart beating rapidly in staccato beats, his breathing knifing into him in short, sharp gasps as he remembers what it was like without Edward.

"I can't," he says finally. "I can't go through that. Not like that," and the agonised frown upon his face eases as Jasper forces himself to take a deep breath. "No. Yes," he corrects himself, grit and determination roughening his voice. "I can do this. For Edward. For me. For us." He straightens up, draws a deep, wavering, breath. He refuses to cave in to the overwhelming panic that is crashing upon him.

A loud, cackling laugh reverberates around the foyer, the sound echoing off the walls. Jasper shuts his eyes tightly, waiting, willing for it to stop, but its volume only increases, the sound shrill and piercing. He claps his hands over his ears, but he can still hear it. Finally, he cracks.

"Stop it!" he screams, slamming his palms to the floor, "Stop it! Stop it!" Gasping, he sits in the sudden silence, then the maniacal laughter starts once more. As well as that voice...

"Murderer..." it whispers sibilantly.

The voice clamours in his head and he frustratedly grips his hair as it repeats, "Murderer... Murderer..." and Jasper hugs his arms tight around his stomach, curling into himself; and he lies upon the floor as his tears fall and heaving sobs wrack his body.

'Stop.' His mind's voice is clear, forceful and adamant. Strangely, to Jasper's tired and befuddled mind, it sounds like his lover's voice. "Edward?" he whimpers hopefully, but it is not Edward that answers. 'You know who I am, Jasper. I have always been here for you.' He closes his eyes, searching his mind.

"Alice? Mom? Is that you?"

The voice cuts him off. 'No Jasper.... Come now. You know me. I've been here all this time.' This time the voice is mocking.

Jasper rocks silently as the voice continues to taunt him and the shadows around him grow longer, unnoticed by the tormented creature locked in the dark realms of his mind.

I hope you enjoyed a little insight to Edward's past... Hands up who is interested in a "prequel" of sorts of AtS based on what you've read of Edward's past? TJ