A/N: This was for the "And Hilarity Ensues" at the Challenge forum on . Thanks to ThySilverDoe for the prompts: Narcissa Malfoy, Sirius Black, and the prompt "card". It didn't really turn out very funny, but oh well.
It was a cold and windy London evening as Sirius came thundering down the stairs in his usual teenage boy manner.
"Mother, do you know where my red jumper is? I can't find it in my room," he spoke loudly, since he knew his mother was most likely in the tea room. He passed the mirror in the hallway and paused to grin at his reflection.
"Yes, Sirius. I just threw it out this morning." He heard from behind the door. He pushed the door open, revealing his mother as she stood over the house-elf as he carefully set the table for tea.
"You what?!" Sirius gaped at her. "Why did you throw it away?"
"You will keep your tone down when you speak to me. I had Kreacher throw it out because it was simply horrendous. Oh, that gawdy Griffindor red and that disgusting lion on the front? Are you trying to shame the line of your forefathers—"
"I don't bloody care about my forefathers! I bought that jumper with my own pocket money, Mother! You can't just go around throwing my things away!"
"Sirius Black! You are sixteen years old, and you will not argue with me! As long as you live in this house, you will follow the rules of the Black family."
"Yeah? Well maybe I just won't live in this house any longer!"
"You are the setting such a horrible example for your younger brother! Thank Merlin he didn't come out like you! What is the matter with you?" She screeched in that particular Walburga Black tone.
"Mother, if you don't quit doing this like this, I swear, I will run—" Sirius' yell was cut short by the sound of the doorbell ringing.
"Oh! They're here, of course. Cygnus and Druella are never late for tea," Walburga's voice went from screaming to pleasant in a matter of seconds as she quickly brushed her robes down and told Kreacher to open the door.
"Great. Uncle Cyg and Aunt Cruel are here," Sirius muttered. Their family usually had tea with his mother's brother every few months, and it was always awkard and irritating to Sirius. His mother reached out with a sharp smack on his arm and he stared at her.
"You will not call them that, you brute. Fix your hair otherwise I'll shave it! Tell your brother to come down and have tea with us," she whispered fiercly. "And put on that black jumper with the silver etching! I will not have you looking like a hooligan in front of my brother's family!"
"Whatever, mum. You're so grand," Sirius growled out sarcastically, ducking to miss another smack. He hated this. This family, this lifestyle. And most of all, he hated that his mother threw out his favorite jumper.
An hour later, they were sitting at the tea table, having "pleasant conversation". Or at least, the adults—his parents, aunt and uncle were. Regulus was pinching and laughing with their annoying cousin, Bellatrix, under the table.
Narcissa sat with her hands in her lap and stared at her parents, as if trying to pretend she were as old as them.
As if she even understands what they're talking about, Sirius thought angrily. Sitting at the table with his family was practically torture, and since Narcissa went to school with him, he was particuarly annoyed with her. Stupid slytherin. Bet she's banging that Lucius arse— Sirius was thinking when his mother broke his line of thoughts.
"Sirius, will you take your brother and cousins to the living room while your aunt, uncle and I talk in the drawing room?" His mother said nicely with an underlying hint of ice in her voice.
"Sure, mum, of course! Anything for you!" Sirius spoke in his most sarcastic voice while rolling his eyes and scooting his chair back. The other kids followed him out of the room and just as they were leaving, Sirius heard his uncle speak menacingly behind his back.
"What an unmannered griffindor. I don't know how you're dealing with him, Walburga."
Sirius rolled his eyes and flopped down on the white couch in the living room, watching as his brother entertained Bellatrix with his exploding snap cards. Merlin, that girl was freaky. At 18, she was honestly the most unnapproachable, insane girls he had ever met.
He turned and saw Narcissa sitting down gracefully on the leather chair next to the fire and decided to mess with her.
"Hey Narcissa, I heard you had a crush on that freak—Malfoy."
He practically heard her neck pop as she looked over at him in surprise. Normally, Sirius never talked to his cousins during their visits, and if he did, it was normally to tell them to pass the butter or some such talk.
"Lucius is not a freak. He's ten times better than you," she smirked.
"Right. And what's so great about him that makes him ten times better?"
"He's a slytherin, first off. And he's way smarter, amazing at Quidditch, good-looking…and rich," she said lightly, fingering the ribbon on her dress.
"Great. You're another golddigger," Sirius grinned. "Bet you're mum will just love that match. Or is she the reason you even started liking Malfoy? Merlin knows that 11 is young to have such a serious crush."
"A what?! What did you just call me? What does that even mean?" She glared at him, the term 'golddigger' sounding unfamiliar and vulgar.
"Nevermind. It's a muggle word. You wouldn't understand."
"Oh right, I forgot you were a bloodtraitor. Hanging around those disgusting griffindors, like Potter and that shabby boy, Lupin. There is something seriously wrong with that boy. Ugh!" She shuddered.
"And they're a hundred times better than you," Sirius stated simply.
"We'll see. When I get married, I'll send you my wedding card. You'll be jealous of me, being Mrs. Malfoy."
"Oh, I wouldn't plan your wedding menu just yet, Narcissa. Rumor is that your little boyfriend is friends with Snotnose Snape and that band of… what are they calling themselves? Deatheaters? Merlin, talk about morbid. He just may kill himself before he ever decides to commit."
"You, Sirius Black, are the worst possible scum on Earth!" She crossed her arms and got up, going towards the drawing room. "I hope you never get married! Don't ever talk to me, again!"
The rest of the night was quite awkward for the both of them.