Gah, A/N at the end :P
Disclaimer: I don't own, kthnxbaiz
***
Consume My Mind, Chapter Eight – The Guilty Ones
"Wendla??" Melchior nodded. "And Moritz?!"
"I know, I know! It's not right, yet…I love them both." His head lay on the table between them dejectedly.
"Well, why do you like Wendla?" Ernst's question was curious, yet spoken softly, as if he was afraid to ask the question.
Melchior sat back on his chair and looked off into space, smiling. "She's so beautiful inside and out…Smart, gentle, honest, genuine…A woman no man can resist. A true renaissance woman, so to say."
"And Moritz?"
Laughing, Melchior leaned closer to Ernst, as if to reveal a secret. "The sex is amazing," he started and Ernst squeaked. "But really, he's just so…spontaneous? Yes, spontaneous. We could plan a date to visit the museum and end up on a boat in a lake…in Canada, or something crazy like that!" Melchior laughed out loud and Ernst smiled. "And he's so sweet…one time, for my birthday, he got me this limited edition of Goethe's Faust, my favorite novel. And you know, he's been my best friend since childhood…we can talk about anything. You know, there was this one time in high school…we ditched the last period of the day and climbed up on the roof of our school. We talked up there until twilight. And just laid there under the stars…"
Ernst sat in his seat and let the other man ramble. Moritz and the race cars. Moritz at the Cubs game. Moritz at school. Moritz directing his first play. Moritz and flowers. Moritz with his ridiculous crooked smile. Moritz and Melchior. Ernst just thought it fit, like a hand in a glove. Like salt and pepper. Moritz and Melchior.
After the other man had nothing more to say, Ernst stood up. "What? Are we leaving?"
"I have classes," Ernst smiled.
"Hey! Don't shirk your friend-duties! You're supposed to help me decide, Wendla or Moritz??"
"Oh I think you know," Ernst's smile widened and he pointed at Melchior's end of the table. After he left the coffee house, a confused Melchior looked at the spot Ernst mentioned.
Scribbled absently by Melchior was the name "Moritz," the imprints of his forefinger on the table fresh and vibrant.
***
Ernst nestled himself under his covers, the multiples layers of comforters giving him warmth. It has been almost a month since 'The Accident." With each passing day, Ernst's fondness for the blonde man grew and his mind became even more consumed with thoughts of Hanschen.
He closed his eyes and recalled a past conversation with his younger sister…
It wasn't too long ago. He was a senior about to graduate high school and she was a sophomore. Ernst recalled the day perfectly. The sun was out and the cool Spring season was leaving to make room for the hot air of Summer.
Around that time, Ernst began to notice boys. They were everywhere! Loitering in the halls, at lunch, showering in gym class…He began to think of them in terrible, different ways!
His family was amazing and unconditionally loving, but they were strict and devout Catholics. His mother as well as his father volunteered as Catholic Education Teachers at their church during their free time, his older brother was to be an ordained priest, and his sister was going to be confirmed next year. He himself was already happily confirmed, giving him more of an incentive to discard his impure thoughts. Yet, the more he was around the male persuasion, the more he could not block the thoughts from returning.
He knew he could not go one pretending anymore. After Prom, he knew he would not be able to dance or even touch another girl again. She was beautiful. Dark brown hair, an hourglass body, a kind smile, soft skin, breasts that were pressed up against his chest as they danced…He just can not help it. He liked boys.
It was a sin, he knew it all too well. But maybe. Just maybe, if his parents accepted Ernst, the real Ernst…he would not have to fret anymore. His family would always be his Number One. No matter what anyone else might think or say, if Ernst had the support of his family, that alone would give him the strength to display who he really is.
But he wanted assurance that they would accept him. He wanted to ask someone for advice, but there was no one at the time. If his friends knew, they would have most likely outcast him, leaving him alone and miserable at school. His brother – definitely not. So Ernst turned to the only person he thought he could ask for advice from: his sister.
They were in her huge green closet, the only light coming in was from a crack in the door, allowing the daylight to pour into the otherwise dark closet. Their parents weren't going to be home until later that day, but they wanted to be extra cautious. Time was of the essence, though, and the conversation would be quick and brief.
Ernst did not want to prolong the conversation, so he went straight to the point. No use in sugar-coating it, she would know eventually. "I think I like boys...like you like boys."
His sister's eyes widened slightly and after a moment, she hung her head. "Ernst…"
"Hil*, what is it? I'm trying to ask you something important."
"I don't…I mean…I like girls, like you're supposed to like girls."
"What?"
"I guess we're both going to hell," his sister laughed derisively.
"Hil! Please don't say that. I think, if we tell Mama and Papa, they wi-"
"NO!" She interrupted him, "We can't tell them! They will kill us Ernst! Even worse…they will…hate us." She started to tear up, eyes welling with unshed tears. "I don't want Mama and Papa hating us." He remembered that, at that moment, he felt like crying too. But he had to be strong, for both of them.
Ernst hugged his little sister tightly, letting her sob on his chest. "We mustn't tell them, Ernst…no…"
"I know."
"But what do we do?" She gazed up with her piercing hazel eyes, "How do we carry on…like we are? We weren't made right, were we?" She ducked her head again, despondent.
"God just wants to test us, Hil. That must be it…From now on, we have to try, really try, to expel these thoughts. It is not right…"
"So we keep pretending?"
"It's not pretending-"
"What if I find someone I truly, truly love? And she was a woman? Or for you, and he was a man? What then?"
Ernst was quiet.
"If, in the future, that happened to me…I would keep them close to me…Maybe even marry her. If I love her, I think I would marry her. I don't know if Mama or Papa would ever approve, but I will be older. And freer. I would marry her."
"Then you're stronger than me, sister. I would be much too afraid," Ernst laughed and his sister joined him, the closet filling with giggles.
Ernst's reverie had ended and he came back to present-time. It was thundering outside, and he knew rain was about to pour over the great city of Chicago. "Love," Ernst whispered quietly to himself, dozing off to sleep.
***
She went on about how the weather was much too gloomy for her pleasure, how her pedicure was awfully done, and drowned him with useless talk about useless subjects. Hanschen was as bored as ever. It was his second date (this week only!) with yet another woman his parents matched for him. They were all the same. No taste, no flavor. No soft voice, no sweet smiles.
Hanschen looked out the window of the restaurant. Women always bored him to the point of exhaustion and he couldn't stand to even look at them after that point. The sky was dark, and it was raining. City lights were blurred as rain poured over the town mercilessly and Hanschen thought it was beautiful. Not because he loved the rain, but because of the grey, grey clouds.
***
* - 'Hil' is Ernst's nickname for his sister, whose full name (in this story xP) is Hildegard. I think it means "the strength of a fortress" or something…XD hehe
ALSO…SO, SO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING IN MONTHS. LOL. I wrote the next chapters in my journal, but it's a bitch reading from it and typing -___- my poor back…
ALSO(x2?), I didn't know school would be such a bitchhh after coming back from Winter Holidays, sooo my bad! Hehe *justification*
I LOVE this chapter! I think it's because there's some Wendla-Melchior-Moritz sidestory, a little bit of Ernst's past, and Hanschen's thoughts. It's a good combo, don't you think?? Kinda short though :O
Mannn, poor Hanschen, it's been a month…wonder what's happened? Haha next chapter will be more Hanschen-centered, hopefully you guys will like it! :)
Well, review review, PLEASE! *puppy dog faceeeee*
P.S. If you guys like reading Yaoi (slashy/ boy-boy) webcomics, there's a badass one called "Starfighter" by HamletMachine.
GO READ IT! I totally suggest and endorse it (free advertising for them, no one sue me!) The story/plot is still developing, but the art is GORGEOUS and the plot looks interesting. The smex scenes are hella STEAMY too hahahaha DO IT.