Disclaimer: Not mine. Phooey!

(APOV)

The rest of that night passed in a hazy blur. I know we walked back to the house. Silent, trapped in our own thoughts. I know we pasted bright, artificial smiles on our faces when we got back. Pleasantries were exchanged. We sat and made small talk. They left and I retreated to my room. It was all so…normal. Like I hadn't just been flung up and down and around on a rollercoaster of emotion.

By Saturday morning I had regained my composure. I emerged from my room, mask of happiness and contentment firmly affixed to my face. Esme and I worked together around the house, putting away our summer décor and preparing for our fall color scheme. Life goes on.

Bella finally called me on Sunday. Buoyant in manner, she rambled on about how awesome everything was, how great it was to have this chance to repeat her honeymoon now that she's been turned. After about twenty minutes of this, she picked up on my total lack of excitement. She asked me what was wrong, and suddenly I had this unstoppable urge to confess everything to her. Well not everything…but all the stuff that had happened since Jasper came.

When I was done explaining, she sighed deeply, full of sorrow.

"I think you should give him another chance," she told me.

"What?! No way. What he did, I can't even tell you how much of a violation that is!" I exclaimed, shocked that she would take Jasper's side over mine. I swear I could hear her bite her lip.

"Alice, you don't hate Edward, and he can read your mind. He knows how you feel and why. Jasper only has half that information," her argument would have been solid, had I not been successfully keeping things secret from her hubby for years. But she doesn't know that. And now I have no choice but to offer a second chance, or face having to explain my perpetual masquerade of happiness.

"I'll think about it," was all I said.

This brings me to today, sitting in my car, waiting for school to start, thinking about Jasper. Total Déjà vu. Of course, last Monday I didn't know his name. Now I know so much more, and I wish I didn't.

I could have kept my mouth shut on Friday. I could be blissfully unaware right now.

I slowly opened my car door, and got out. Each movement felt painful. I was not looking forward to today. I saw Jasper, across the parking lot, but he didn't look my way. I know he felt me. His back stiffened and his pace quickened. For a moment I was viciously happy, glad to know he was suffering as well. And then he disappeared into the building.

I walked slowly, avoiding eye contact with everyone. I spent the next two periods straining my tired brain. Trying to see what would happen if I took that leap and let Jasper back in. I knew I would have to give him some explanation for my bottled up emotions. And that, even more than the potential for him to manipulate me, was what I was afraid of. Explaining to him, or anyone, why I wasn't happy would not be easy. He might not even understand. What I've been through…it's unique. I'd thought no one could ever feel how I felt. And then...he can. Not because he experienced it, but because I did. Was I relieved to share this? Was I upset that I was no longer special? I do know that I'm confused, and I definitely don't want to make my decision today. This is why lunch will be awkward.

I, of course, sat at my regular table. I'd been here first, I get to lay claim to it. I sat there, picking apart a roll. Squashing it into little balls and flicking it away.

Jasper entered the room, and there was a collective sigh from the female population. He turned is eyes briefly to meet mine, deep wells of sadness. And then he turned away, sat at a table with some senior guys on the basketball team.

I blew out a breath and wondered why I was hurt. Did I really want him to ignore my order from Friday, and sit with me anyway? Sharp pain lanced through me, and then abruptly was cut off. I looked around the room and almost everyone had a hand to their chest.

All my self-righteous anger was suddenly back in full force. It wasn't just me whose emotions he played with. He had the power to affect the entire student body. I glared at him, trying to focus on my anger and throw it at him.

Wait. If I try to make him feel me, isn't that just as bad? I gasped quietly. Now my chest hurt again. This time from my own pain. Who am I to preach to Jasper? At least when he changed my emotions he did it to make me feel better. I just tried to use his gift to make him feel worse.

The air in the room felt heavy, and I felt hot. It seemed like everyone in the room was whispering about me. About what an awful person I was. How I had hurt him. I couldn't take it and I bolted, running out of the cafeteria, through the hallway and into the parking lot. I reached my car and hunched over beside it. I wanted to vomit, but there was nothing in my stomach. I stood there for what felt like an eternity, until I felt a hand on my shoulder, gentle.

"Alice?"

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(JPOV)

Alice and I spoke not another word to each other the rest of the evening. By unspoken agreement we returned to the house. I smiled and acted nice for the benefit of the others, but inside I was numb. Overwhelming relief was all I felt when we left their house that night, but it wasn't for long.

Peter reads me too well. Clearly I've been hanging out with Charlotte and him for too many years now. We were barely in the door of our house when he accosted me.

"What the hell happened in the woods tonight?" he demanded. I sighed, knowing that I would not be able to brush this question off with a lie. I should have told him immediately that I sensed Alice. I should never have tried to change how she felt.

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda.

"Alice and I….we had a disagreement," I started. Peter and Charlotte both opened their mouths to speak, but I stopped them. "First I need you to promise you will not tell Carlisle or Esme anything I am about to tell you," I told them firmly. They both promised, albeit hesitantly, and then I gestured for them to settle in.

It all spilled out of me. From the moment I had first seen her until the moment we returned home tonight. As I listened to myself, repeating everything I had done, I was ashamed anew. This was made even worse by shock I could feel from Peter and Charlotte. When I finished I looked down at the floor, unwilling to look them in the eye.

"I guess we'll have to work on blocking emotion, won't we?" was all Peter said. Charlotte crossed the room and hugged me.

"We still love you," she whispered in my ear.

That was all the more they said on the subject, but the next morning Peter and I were in my study, planning away. We spent all of Saturday and Sunday in Port Angeles, practicing. It took a lot of concentration, but I could begin to block emotions from larger groups of people.

Well, not exactly block, but push to the background of my mind. It became more like an annoying buzz than a shared feeling. I was by no means done working at it, but by Monday morning, I was feeling a lot better about the situation. Until I arrived a school and felt Alice.

I got out of my car and was heading toward the school, when I felt her. Everyone in that parking lot, all the teachers in the school, they were all a quiet murmur in my head. But she, she was a wail. She echoed in my brain, bouncing off my skull, pain and sadness and regret.

I wanted to turn and run to her, to ease her, but I knew that would be the worse thing I could do. Instead I steeled myself and continued into the building.

I spent the next two periods anxious and tired. It was a strain to try and block this many people for this long, but I had to try. I had to prove, to her and to myself, that I could do it.

I was worried about what would happen at lunch, but two guys from the basketball team stopped me in the hallway, asking me if I played, and if I wanted to join them for lunch. I gratefully agreed, thankful that I would have somewhere to sit.

I could feel her even before I entered the room, but when I walked through the door. I couldn't help myself. I looked at her, meeting her eyes, seeing her distrust and agony. I dragged my eyes from her haunted face and joined the other guys at the table. Despite all my hard work, I could feel how hurt and conflicted she was. In that moment, knowing that despite her instructions, she was hurt that I hadn't joined her, I lost control. The pain I had bottled up inside on Friday night was swallowing me whole and it affected the entire room. It was only a moment, but it was enough. I trapped it back inside myself, but I could feel her anger once again. It was intense, burning into me, consuming me. And then…

The self loathing was back. Like it had been last Monday, strong and aching. I heard a sound, a quiet gasp too low for anyone else to hear. I turned to look at her again, unable to resist, but she was heading out of the room, her face hidden from my searching eyes.

I want to follow her. I probably shouldn't. Half the room was watching the door she'd just barreled through; the other half was staring at me intently. I rose, still unsure, and headed out of the cafeteria.